The worst part about watching movies in the theaters, especially crappy ones like the Blair Witch, is that if you have to go to the bathroom...there's no stop button.  So, what do you do?  Do you risk that the only GOOD two minutes of the movie will occur while you're answering the call of nature, or do you bear it out, only to come to the bitter conclusion that you SHOULD have left?  Well, we don't want to have that happen!

So Swift Demon Productions Offers You:

A "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: The Director’s Cut " Intermission

or

"#118's Dream Sequence" aka "Enter: Extra Pretty One-Winged Angel of Love and Beauty, Sophiaroth!"

Disclaimer:  This is what boredom creates.  Really bad omakes for destro-fics.  If you read this...you're really brave.  This is in no way a rip-off of "Sailor Pretty Soldier Barret" by Ellcrys on The Northern Crater.  Really.  The original Sofia-Roth was created by Hell Kitty, and I have permission to RP her.  ^_^  #118 was created by me (before I even knew there was a Sofia-Roth...), and all FF7 & FF8 characters are copyright Squaresoft..

No, this does not follow the Traditional Director's Cut universe.  It's got a bit of a different spin on the characters.

Warning: Moomba#5 has a potty mouth.  ^^;

*Commence*

It was a happy nice day in the happy nice place called Midgar.  The smog was acidic, thick and sky-obscuring, but it didn't matter.  Because everyone was really happy!  Really, really, really happy!  And you know who the happiest of all these happy people was?  Why, it was Sephiroth Clone #118 the most beautiful and caring woman to ever grace the Planet with her goddess-like presence.

She sat in the cafe full of happy people, drinking an extremely tasty latte, and reading a fashion magazine.  Of course, NONE of the people in the magazine were anywhere CLOSE to being as beautiful as she was.  She yawned, and flipped another page.

"The problem with being the undisputed most beautiful and powerful woman on the Planet," she remarked, "is that it's really boring.  No one would dare challenge me."  She turned another page in her magazine.  "I really wish something would happen."

"Yo, extra pretty honey!" a voice said, and she turned to see a Moomba walking on its hind legs over to her table.  He was wearing an ugly orange and blue pin-striped suit, a wide tie, a gray hat with a huge yellow feather.  A gold fang glinted in his mouth, matching the gold chain around his neck.  He sat down across from her, and put a freshly lit cigarette in his mouth.  "Where you been, hoe, I've been looking everyf*ckingwhere for you, yo."

#118 raised her eyebrow in a bishoujo manner.  "And who, are you?"

He smacked a heavy paw down on the table.  "Whatcha mean, who am I, hoe?  I'm Moomba#5, the most handsome and smoothest muthaf*ckin playa in the known world!"

She raised her nose.  "You certainly can't be that important, because I've never heard of you."

He smacked the other heavy paw down on the table.  "I'm not just the most handsome and smoothest playa in the f*cking known world, hoe!  I'm also a f*cking magical mascot, yo!  That's why I'm here, hoe, to tell you of your destiny and shit, yo."

She checked her watch.  "Well, Mr. Moomba, I've got a few minutes, so I suppose I can do my good deed of the day and humor you."

"Hoe, you call me #5 or else I bust a cap in your pretty ass, yo!" He snapped.  "Now, you are a f*cking Extra Pretty Defender of the Planet or some shit like that, yo, and I'm here to get you all started in the business, yo.  So you're like my bitch, yo, and I'm your pimp, yo.  So you better do what I says, bitch, or I'll kick your sorry ass to the curb!"

She hmphed in a dainty manner.  "How rude.  Your offensive manner, and proficient use of profanity suggests a lack in your own vocabulary.  Clearly you are incapable of expressing yourself in an intelligent manner.  But, what can one expect from such a primitive creature."

Moomba#5's mouth dropped open and his cigarette fell out and hit the floor.  "What's this shit, yo?  No one told me you were a f*ckin smart hoe!"

She hrmphed.  "Well, of course *I'm* intelligent.  I had to be.  Do you have any idea what it's like being a female Sephiroth clone?  If you thought those stupid regular clones got teased at school..."

"Yo, hoe, that ain't my problem!" he yelled.  "Now you gots to show me some R-I-S-P-E-K-T!"

"You spelled 'respect' incorrectly," she informed him.  "It's 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T'."

"Who the f*ck you think you are, Aretha F*ckin'Franklin, bitch?"  He growled.  "Don't you go correcting my spelling, hoe!"

"Did you come here to swear at me and waste my time, or do you have some actual purpose for putting your hairy paws all over my table?"  She frowned.  "Your constant slamming and thumping has upset my latte.  I hope you're going to clean that up and get me another one."

He spat out a materia.  "Pick that up, bitch!"

"No, it was in your mouth," she told him.  "And I've *heard* how dirty it is!"

"Pick up the Goddamn materia and raise to the f*cking sky and say your magic words, right now, hoe!"

"What magic words?  And I'm not touching that materia till you clean it off!"

"Shit!  You raise it to the sky, and say, 'Oh Great Planet, grant me your power so I can protect you.' "

"That's so below my level of drama."

"So just say something that sounds like it, yo!  Shit, bitch, Aeris didn't give me this trouble."

Her eyebrow raised.  "Did you say 'Aeris'?"

"Yeah, shit, bitch, Aeris," he nodded.  "She's so sweet and caring.  She just did what she was told.  Snapped right f*cking to it when I told her that Jenova-reBirth was up to something."

She grabbed a napkin and wrapped it around the materia.  "That Aeris will NOT steal the spotlight from me again!  I'll defeat Jenova-reBirth all on my own."  She held the materia up, grimacing as a trial of moombadrool soaked into the napkin.  "Now what were those words again?"

*Scene Shift*

Deep in the lair of Jenova...actually it was the storage room of a Gap in the local mall...  But anyway, it was serving the purpose of a lair for Jenova.

"Clone #121!" her head barked from inside its Gap handbag.  "Have you brought me the key to conquering the world?"

The Plum-cloaked figure nodded.  Plum is in this season you see, and Jenova likes to try and keep up with the fashions.  "Here you are, Great Mother of Fashion."  The clone dumped the body of Tifa Lockehart on the table.  "Are you sure that this will help you gain control of the fashion world?  Tifa spent her whole life in slut shorts and a Cloud-beater."

Jenova joined the other three clones in the hearty laughter that followed #122's joke.  Cloud-beater.  Ha ha.  Funny.  Er, continuing on...

"I cannot hope to take the fashion world by storm in a mutated alien body that lacks a head, now can I?"  She prodded Tifa with a tentacle.  "Now, prepare, for I shall become the beautiful young maiden before you."

"Oh Great Mother...?"

"Yes, #229?"

"After you become the wearer of the impossibly-large-busted sack of skin before us...can #666 and I battle it out to the death for the right to exist?"

"I shall think about it."  Jenova went very still.  Tifa sat up.  "Hee hee hee!  It worked!  Now I can take over the Fashion World, and through it...all of the Planet!"

"Excuse me, Great Mother?"

"Yes, #007?"

"But...um...what about those people that don't read fashion magazines...um, how are you going to crush them?"

"Don't be stupid, #007.  Who doesn't read fashion magazines?"

A light snapped on, and a girl with brown hair and big green eyes stood in the spotlight in a pink and red magical girl outfit, complete with matching pink hair bow, and a magical staff.  "Fashion magazines lower young girls' self-esteem and promote unrealistic views of beauty and the world."

"Who the hell are you?" Jenova-Tifa asked.

"Um, Great Mother, that's Aeris Gainsborough," #122 told her.  "How can you NOT recognize her?"

"The villain can never recognize the magical girl," #229 explained.  "It's a law."

"I'm Extra Holy Defender of the Planet, Cetra-Flower-Girl Aeris!" the girl announced.  "And you're going to pay for bringing Tifa back simply because you think her large breasts will make you a super-model!"

"Um..."  Jenova-Tifa looked around innocently.  "But I *am* Tifa.  Really."

"You can't fool me, I know you're Jenova possessing Tifa."

"Well...either way you won't fight me, foolish Cetra!"

Aeris blinked.  "Um...why not?"

Jenova-Tifa blinked.  "Cuz...I'm Tifa...you're best friend?"

Aeris laughed.  "I always hated Tifa's guts.  That bitch was happy when I died.  She wanted Extra Delusional Defender of the Planet, Mercenary Kamen Cloud all to herself."

"Either, way, now you're finished, Cetra Girl!"  Jenova-Tifa hands blazed with chi energy.

"Um, Great Mother?" #007 asked.  "Wasn't that just a cheap special move that Square gave Tifa in Erhgiez?"

"Hyuk, yuk, yuk!" A girl chortled.  "You're the one who's finished, Jenova!"  Another light flashed on and a girl in a ninja-themed magical girl costume stepped into the stoplight.  "Extra Worldly Defender of the Planet, Ninja Materia-Hunter Yuffie is here!"

Jenova-Tifa groaned.  "How many of you are there?"

"Well, the two of us," Yuffie said, "plus our magical mascots."

Jenova-Tifa's eyebrow raised.  "Magical Mascots?"

"Sure," Yuffie pointed to the cross between a lion and a wolf.  "I believe you know my mascot, Red XIII!"

"And I'm Aeris's mascot," added the stuffed cat on the mog.

"How are we doing, Cait Sith?" Aeris asked.

"Oh Great, Aeris.  Um, but it'd be good if you actually started to fight her, okay?" Cait Sith asked.  "You think you could do that?"

Aeris and Yuffie nodded.  "Great.  Nanaki and I are gonna go get a burger now."  The two magical mascots walked out.

The clones looked at each other.  "That sounds like a good idea."  They followed, leaving Jenova-Tifa facing Aeris and Yuffie alone.

Jenova-Tifa laughed.  "You won't stand a chance...for I have my super-summon form!  Tiamet!"  Her body warped and twisting, forming the summon creature, Tiamat.

Aeris looked at Yuffie.  "Um, I don't think we're prepared for this."

A third spotlight clicked on.  A girl with a black fuku, white tube-top and black suspenders, belt, and knee high boots stepped into it.  Her black trench-coat swirled impressively around her.  "Never fear, Extra Pretty Defender of the Planet, One-Winged Angel of Love and Beauty, Sophiaroth, is here!"

"And her fine pimpin' mascot," a Moomba added, "Moomba#5 is in the house, yo!  Get ready to f*cking meet ya maker, bitch!"

Jenova-Tiamat laughed.  "You think you can fight me?"

Sophiaroth laughed.  "Ha ha ha!  [Fallen Angel]!"

Jenova-Tiamat easily deflected the spell.  "You can only harm me with another summon creature form.  Ha ha ha!"

"Ordinarily that would be a problem," a voice said, and a moody bishounen stepped out of the shadows, "but today you must have accessorized to raise your luck, ladies."

They turned to see Squall Leonhart.

"Hey, get out of here, FF8 character," Yuffie yelled.  "We don't want your kind!"

Squall glared at her.  "You moron, it's me, Sephiroth."

"Um..."  Aeris bit her lip, "but you really look like Squall Leonhart..."

Yuffie nodded.  "Yeah...you don't look like Sephiroth at all."

Sophiaroth paused.  "Could it be that the rumor that Squall Leonhart is the reincarnation of the Great Master is true?"

Sephiroth-Squall nodded.  "You want these cards?  Or not?  Conventional spells aren't going to work on Jenova-Tiamat."

"But there's only two of them..." protested Aeris.

"And why should we trust FF8-based magic?" Yuffie added.  "You're not the real Sephiroth anyway, he's, like, dead."

Sephiroth-Squall handed a card to Aeris.  "This is Siren's card.  Mostly healing and removing status effects.  You'll have to just serve as back up."

Aeris looked at the card.  "You're not going to stab me again, are you?"

He shrugged.  "Maybe some other time."  He handed the other card to Sophiaroth.  "It's up to you, #118, this is Shiva's card."

She took it.  "Hmm...thanks, I suppose."

"Uh...yeah...whatever or something," he muttered.

"Sephiroth!"  Jenova-Tiamat roared.  "You ungrateful wretch, I'm going to kill you!  Dark Flare!"

"No!" Sophiaroth yelled.  "Leave him alone!"

Yuffie blinked.  "Clones must have weird attachments to the original or something..."

"Shit, bitch, you just signed your death certificate," Moomba#5 laughed.  "You pissed off my magical hoe!"

Aeris and Sophiaroth raised their GF cards.  Siren appeared, and Shiva burst out of a column of ice.

"Shit!"  Moomba#5's shades fell off, and his mouth dropped open.  "Nakedness!  YAY!"

"Did I forget to mention that to them?" Sephiroth-Squall asked.  "Ooops, my bad."

"Sephiroth, you bad mutha...they gonna kick your ass when they're through with that f*ckin Jenova, yo!" Mooma#5 warned him.

"[Silent Voice]!" Aeris-Siren cried, and hit Jenova-Tiamat with an attack, and a silence effect.

"...!" Jenova-Tiamat roared, mutely.

"Kiss your ass goodbye, Jenova," Sephiroth-Squall snickered.

"Heh, nice knowing you, hoe!" Moomba#5 added.

"[Ultima Dust]!" Sophiaroth-Shive declared, and a wave of ice hit Jenova-Tiamat, followed by the explosive power of an Ultima blast.

"I didn't know Shiva could do that," Yuffie admitted.

"She couldn't," Sephiroth-Squall shrugged, "I added it to the card.  Cost half of Riona's gained AP but hey, screw her, this is more important, right?"

"...!!" Jenova-Tiamat cried, silently, and the Tiamat form faded away, to leave just a wounded Jenova-Tifa behind.  "You bitch!  You broke one of my nails!" Jenova-Tifa exclaimed and burst into tears.  "I'm gonna get you Defenders of the Planet for this, just as soon as I get back from finding a manicurist!"  She raced out the back door.

Shiva and Siren faded away to reveal Sophiaroth and Aeris.

"All right!" Yuffie cheered.  "We did it!"

Aeris blinked.  "We?"

Sophiaroth glared at Yuffie.  "What's this 'we' business?  You didn't do anything."

Yuffie gluped.  "Hey, what does it matter?  Victory goes to the Defenders of the Planet!"

"Hm." Sephiroth-Squall nodded.  "But Jenova-Tifa will be back.  She's going to try to get revenge on you for breaking her nail."

"Yeah, hoes, ya better be ready for an attack at anytime," Moomba#5 added.

"Now you're just being paranoid," Aeris told him.  "We'll stop her just like we did this time.  Come on, Yuffie, let's go and tell our magical mascots about our latest victory."

"Yeah, maybe they'll buy us a burger or something," Yuffie nodded.  "Or at least a chocolate shake.  See you around, Sophiaroth."

Sophiaroth blinked.  "That's it?"  Moomba#5 nodded.  "Well, that means there's only one thing left to do."  She grabbed Sephiroth-Squall by the arm.  "You're going to buy me a victory latte!"

*Scene Shift*

Deep within the bowels of the mall...

"Damn, you #007, have you no sense of style?  You can't file my nails to sharpened talons!"

"Ulp...forgive me, Great Mother..."

"I swear I'm going to make those little magical girl freaks pay for this!"

"Uh, Great Mother?"

"What is it *now*, #229?"

"I was just wondering when #666 and I get to fight to the death to decide who has the right to exist..."

"Argh!  I'm surrounded by morons!"

*Fin*

Dec 6th 1999