THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: The Director’s Cut
Act Three: The Berserker-Rage-Omnislash-Type Conclusion!
Disclaimer: The Blair Witch Project is a legitimate movie, sad isn't it? Can you believe that people actually were scared by that piece of home-video crap? There are morons who actually argue that IT'S REAL! Don't use this fic for money unless you're giving me a cut...and paying the legal fees for the copyright infringements. Sephiroth Clones #118 and #445 were created by me. #662 was created by Jonathan "WB" Gray. All FF7 & FF8 characters are copyright Squaresoft. Other characters belong to whoever I "borrowed" them from.
Warning: If you seriously go into this and don't know what to expect by now, then I imagine you must also believe the Blair Witch is real. Go make yourself useful and take a hike in the woods of Maryland... If you're lucky you can get in on the hype for the BWP sequel... *shudder*
***
Recap: what you do when you want to save the rest of your Cherry Bomb Blast Jolt.
What happened? How the hell should I know? I block these things from my memory as soon as they're posted. You think I want people to know I'm capable of this kind of stuff? They'd never leave me alone!
***
{It's dark...as it usually is at night. Squall Leonhart and #662 cling to their blankets in the tent as #118 talks in her sleep. She must be having some dream because she keeps spouting off magical girl-esque nonsense (for full details of such nonsense see the Intermission!). Sounds are coming from outside the tent.}
Squall: Hold me! I'm scared!
#662: It's just the wind...
Voice: Okay, now cut open the tent, #112, and we'll grab them.
Voice: Booyah! Booyah!
Voice: AH! CRASH BANDICOOT? SHOOT HIM!
Voice: Booyah- Boo---ack!
Voice: Sweet Unholy Mother Jenova...did you see the look in that crazy bandicoot's eyes?
Voice: Not to mention he's got a face in his teeth...
#662: Okay, maybe it's not just the wind.
Squall: Go and see what it is.
#662: ...You appear to be having an onset of character-slip, Squall. I'm the nudist; you're the reluctant angsting hero boy.
Squall: But I'm scared! What if it's Edea, the Icicle Witch? Or the Northern Crater Jenova?
#662: Don't be a moron. The Northern Crater Jenova is just a STORY. Stories can't hurt you.
Squall: C'mon, rock-paper-scissors; loser has to go see what's causing the noises.
#662: If it will shut you up, ya big baby...
***
(Outside the tent, Sephiroth clones #122, #007, #229, #112, and #777 are standing around.)
#112: What are you doing, #229?
#229: I'm putting these little piles of rocks here so #666 will know we were here.
#007: What a good idea.
#777: Hello.
#229: Who are you?
#777: I am Sephiroth Clone #777. I'm making a cameo in this scene to promote the Final Fantasy: Fated take-off series, Playing the Fate Game. Come and read it and BOW TO ME BECAUSE I AM YOUR [G_O_D].
#007: If you'd like to prove you're a God...I'll take the job to lose to you in an Ultra Match.
#122: Shut up, you guys. (he grabs a stick) Now, #112, you open the tent and we'll hit them over the heads so we can take them back to Jenova. (The others nod.) Okay, one...two...(#112 pulls open the tent and the clones jump on Squall and #662. #777 carefully picks up #118.)
#777: I claim this female for my own twisted purposes!
#229: Cut the crap and let's get back to the Crater...
#112: Yeah, I'm freezing my left tentacle off here!
#777: ...spoilsports...
***
(Meanwhile, Sephiroth and Moomba#5 have proceeded up to the mountain, and have reached the abandoned Giga's Cabin...)
Sephiroth: Let's look in there.
Moomba#5: Shit, you crazy, foo?! Ain't you ever seen that movie where those kids get lost in the woods?
Sephiroth: I only watch quality movies...like The Prophecy.
Moomba#5: Shit, that was a freakin' good movie, yo!
Sephiroth: And the Evil Dead Trilogy.
Moomba#5: You know it, bitch, and don't forget Mall Rats and Dogma.
Sephiroth: (he goes very still and becomes unpossessed) And Pikachu's Vacation....
Moomba#5: What? What did you say, bitch? Did you just say you like Pikachu?!
#445: (nods) and...Batman Beyond!
Moomba#5: ...You ain't my fine smack-laying down master pimp Sephiroth!
#445: No, I'm #445. Batman Beyond is cool, Moomba#5. You should watch it.
Moomba#5: Look, if you want me to go up that cliff with you...you gonna have to stop advertising for the WB network.
#445: But I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel as much as any teenager.
Moomba#5: I told you to stop it with that shit, yo!
(Suddenly the door of the cabin creaks open and HOJO walks out...)
Hojo: HEE HA HOOOOOOO! I see I have two new specimens. (He peers at #445) Oh, a Sephiroth Clone. Which one are you?
#445: Hello Mr. Travelodge! How are you?
Hojo: GAAAAAAAAAH! #445! (trembles in fear) The Chosen ONE!
#445: I am?
Hojo: uh...(checks his clipboard) At the moment, yes.
#445: What does that mean, Mr. Radisson?
Hojo: PROFESSOR HOJO, moron! I'll have my newest clones take care of you, #445. #987 and #988, get them!
(Two clones...who don't look anything like Sephiroth stumble out. In fact, they look suspiciously like Mike and Heather from that Blair Witch Fiasco (con-artists).)
Mike(#987): Josh....Josh....Talk to me...buddy...
#445: BY THE BLACK MATERIA! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, HOJO?!!
Hojo: Hey, you got my name right...
#445: Oh, oops. Sorry about that.
Hojo: Nevermind. I've found the ultimate evil...the OVER-HYPED BAD ACTING STAR OF A THE WORST PIECE OF CRAP THAT WAS FORCED ON THE MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC OF SUMMER 1999!!!!!
#445: (gasps) Five exclaimation marks? Truly the mark of an disturbed mind.
Moomba#5: Don't rip of Prachett, yo!
#445: Oh, sorry.
Heather(#988): I'm so scared....I'm so sorry...I'm sorry to my Mom...and to Josh's mom and Mike's mom...because it is my fault...I'm so scared...
Moomba#5: SHIT! Her bad monologue is sucking out all my energy, yo! Do sumthin', #445!
#445: What can I do, yo? Mike's ultimate act of stupidly running around in the woods at night when there's strange shit going on has almost paralyzed me...
Moomba#5: SHIT! Where's that hoe, Squall? He could do SUMTHIN, yo!
(A young man walks in)
Guy: Hi, did someone call for me?
Moomba#5: ...You're not Squall Leonhart.
Guy: Hey, this isn't ImproParty.
#445: Who are you?
Guy: ...Squall. Didn't you call for me?
#445: *looks around* I'm sorry, I don't have anything to drink right now.
Squall: Well... I might as well help you. You are in trouble, right?
#445: Look, pal, we appreciate you coming all the way over here...but I don't think you can help us at all...You'd better scram before Heather and Mike use their bad acting skillz on you.
Squall: ...Hmm...actors, you say? (He hands a piece of paper to Heather and Mike). This here is a problem for you to solve, guys.
Heather: "If three kids go out into the woods and none of them can work a compass or read a map, nor has even the most basic understanding of what to do when you're out in the woods..."
Mike: "And are complete idiots who deserve to be slaughtered by the Blair Witch..."
Heather: "...and after three days don't come back..."
Mike: "...Who died first?"
Heather: Um...well let's let "x" be the kid who died and then we um...factor in the IQ of the other two and...GNYAAAHHH! (her head explodes)
Mike: And then we subtract the amount of supplies they had and...ARGHH!!! (his head explodes)
Hojo: (gasps) Your genius is far beyond my own twisted psyche's comprehension, Mr. Squall. I must run away now. Because I have to go and set up another trap for the Chosen One and his Kitty to walk right into. (he runs away)
#445: Wow, it IS true!
Squall: What is?
#445: MATH is evil.
Squall: No, math is simply misunderstood.
#445: Well, thanks for saving us and stuff, yo.
Squall: Not a problem.
#445: Any suggestions about where we can find our friends?
Squall: All evidence would point to the Northern Crater and Jenova.
#445: But how do we beat Jenova?
Squall: Oh, you'll probably channel Sephiroth again.
#445: ...How do you know about that?
Squall: Sore wa... *he vanishes* ...himitsu desu!
#445: Creepy.
Moomba#5: You heard the man, and a fine-lookin man at that...I should get him to man-whore for me, yo! Channel Sephiroth, #445, yo!
#445: Well...I've never really TRIED to do it before...It just tends to happen.
Moomba#5: Well we can't be waiting for it to just happen. We need it to happen NOW. So channel, yo!
#445: But I don't know how.
Moomba#5: Channel 'fore I break my foot off in your ass, yo!
#445: ...Um, since you put it that way... (he closes his eyes and tries to concentrate)
Moomba#5: That's bettah. (he blinks) And I'm not a goddamn kitty! I'm Moomba#5, the finest muthaf*ckin' playah alive!
#445: Could you please be quiet? I'm trying to concentrate...
Moomba#5: ...sorry.
***
(IN the crater...Squall Leonhart has been strapped down to table and Edea is standing above him.)
Squall: ...
Edea: Hah hah hah. Now I will create the Avatar for Sephiroth...and *I* shall rule the world, not stupid Jenova. (she presses a button and Squall goes really still...but since he's always kinda like that it's harder to tell.)
Sephiroth: I'd hardly call Evil Dead 2 a movie of its own. It was basically a remake of Evil Dead 1. However, the Evil Dead parody in Idle Hands did amuse me. Even if Idle Hands was a God-awful movie...(he sees Edea) You're not Moomba#5. Who are you, bitch?
Edea: It's worked! ...I think. Ha! Sephiroth, I am your new Mistress, Edea the wicked witch of Galbadia!
Sephiroth: Say what? You trippin, hoe? Sephiroth don't work for nobody. I am no witch's bitch. YOU work for ME.
Edea: I don't think so.
Sephiroth: You negate to realize the amount of smack I could lay down on your head, witch.
Edea: ...The prophecy never spoke of these sort of behavioral problems...
Sephiroth: Did you see The Prophecy? That was a freakin good movie, yo! Squall Leonhart was in #3, you know...
***
(In a dungeonious area of the final dungeon.)
#118: (wakes up) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
#662: What is it?
#118: I just dreamed I was a magical pretty defender of the Planet and Moomba#5 was my pimpin mascot...(she bursts into tears) I feel so DIRTY.
#662: ...Well, if it helps...they took away my fig leaf...
#118: Oh my GOD...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!
***
(Meanwhile #445 is trying to channel Sephiroth)
Moomba#5: Well, we got somebody named Alex Elder, somebody named Kamui, and somebody named Masturo.
#445: My head hurts. This isn't going to work.
Moomba#5: One more time, hoe! And get it right, yo!
#445: All right...(he closes his eyes and concentrates...and opens them again).
Moomba#5: You get him?
#445: Get who?
Moomba#5: Sephiroth, dumbass!
#445: What about him?
Moomba#5: (growls) Look, hoe, are you or are you not Sephiroth now?
#445: In a manner of speaking.
Moomba#5: That bettah be a yes, hoe. Now, les go lay some smack down.
***
(Later. Moomba#5 and #445 (who is Sephiroth "in a manner of speaking") have reached the crater, and are proceeding to look for the other clones and Squall.)
#445: So, um, Nanaki, the rest of the party is being held hostage, right? But who is it that's holding them hostage? Jenova-Sephiroth or the Other?
Moomba#5: Whatcoo talkin bout, boy?
#445: Well, I get the feeling I've been gone a while, so a recap of what happened during the time I returned to the Lifestream would be much appreciated.
Moomba#5: Look, hoe, we was attacked by Hojo and some bad actors and then some guy came and gave the bad actors a math problem and their heads exploded and then we set off to go save those bitches that got captured from Jenova and Edea, yo.
#445: So...the Other's name is Edea?
Moomba#5: Yes, bitch, Edea the Icicle witch, yo!
#445: I just thought Its name was simply "The Other".
Moomba#5: Shut your mouth, hoe, unless you got sumthang helpful to say, yo!
#445: But did Edea completely take over Inno's body?
Moomba#5: No, hoe, that was Ultimicia, yo.
#445: Who?
Moomba#5: Nevermind, yo. It's FF8 stuff, yo.
#445: FF8? What's that? Some kind of drink?
Moomba#5: Look, Sephiroth, are you trying to piss me off?
#445: No.
Moomba#5: Then stop acting like a dumbass 'fore I kick your ass to the curb!
#445: Um, okay.
Moomba#5: So we at the crater, yo! So where's all those bitches?
#445: Perhaps they're in the Forgotten Capital. You know, summoning Holy or something. Say, where's Cloud?
Moomba#5: Who?
#445: I was just with Cloud a moment ago in the Lifestream. Where'd he go?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At this point I got writer's block and my friend, Chris, offered to finish the story. Yes, the "Sephiroth" is supposed to be Gabriel from FF:Fated, but Chris has no idea what that is. So anything that follows is all his fault.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris write some stuff from here...NO! from now on
its my game babe.....HAHAHAHAHAHA I say what I do, and I say we all ......Have
big American party!!! Everyone disco dancing, look robot dancing....
"achem"
"Christopher Walken": hello ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to introduce a true tale of horror, from one of the masters of gothic literature. Imagine yourself lost in the woods, a tiger-pimp, several hundred clones of a one-winged angel, a brooding anti-hero , several minor characters from varoius japanese video games and several college students working for 11 bucks and a box of macaroni and their own weight in vacuum bags . You and your band are alone, in the dark...scared, at a crater, tied up...scared....
"Sephiroth": hey Gabriel, is that you? wait a minute whats with your hair....
"Christopher walken": aaaahhhh? errrr? crap,(speaking into watch) scrap the mission we have been found out!
(pulls face off, to reveal Tom Cruise!)
"Sephiroth": Jerry? what you doing here, you haven't phoned me back since my death in '97
"Tom": Sorry Babe, the world just isn't into the whole demi-god thing anymore.(ladder lowers and he accends into the sky on a helicopter.)Byyyyyyyyyyye......
"Sephiroth": Well I wouldn't care so much had I not lost all that money in cock fights...."Supernova"....(the sky fills with flame and the helicopter blows up in a "John Woo" styled explosion) hey! what this Jerry must have dropped it...kimera...chimera...screw it, it must be some kind of new candy.(puts in pocket for a snack later)
"Edea": who was that?
"Sephiroth": My agent, he got me a starring role in a video game and one episode of "Friends", I played Monicas date to the prom.
"Edea": I think Matt LeBlanc is a hottie.
"Sephiroth": the guy from that baseball-monkey movie....he smells funny
"Edea": riiiiiight......
***
(back in the dungeon)
"THUMP!!"( something crashes into the roof of the dungeon, creating a escape hole)
"Squall":what the hell was that?
"118": it's a body, it looks familiar...shit its Nicole Kidmans husband!!!
"Squall": wait it's a mask...who is under this thing?
"Both": Old Man Peterson from the Amusement park!!!
"118": hehehehehehe
"662": does everyone have a Tom Cruise mask? well I am keeping this one to sell on E-bay.
"Squall": well lets find out where this came from.
"662": how?
"Squall":we just follow the debris to the crater...I mean to where ever it goes to..hehe
"118": how did you know that? have you been reading ahead?
"Squall":....Nooooooo....hehe
"662": ok, but I need something to cover myself...oh look a kitty.
***
"Moomba#5": Well we're here, bitchiroth
"445": don't call me that, it is Dave, I decided from now on I am Dave.....Thomas, yes Dave Thomas.
"Moomba#5": shut up before I make you my drug runner of watermelons.
"445": sorry, I’ll be good
"Moomba#5": shit, who dat whore? I could get up too 300 dollars fo her
"Edea": wat choo say? this ass ain't for sale
"Sephiroth": Not for that price...step into my office Tony the tiger
"Moomba#5": cut that Tony shit, befor I bust a cap in your ass...Foo!
"Edea": Why do you all talk like that whenever the Muppet is around, and if you’re a one-winged angel, wouldn't you just fly in circles??
"Moomba#5": .....Muppet....my life is a lie......"sob"...
"Sephiroth":Did you just make fun of my wing??
(enter squall,118,and 662)
"662": Hey who’s the muppet?
"Moomba#5": ...
"Squall": Hey, this guys stealing my catch phrase.
"118": what catch phrase?
"Squall": ...
"662": ...
"Squall": yeah, that
(enter clone 777, alone and glowing)
"777": HELLO, WE THOUGHT YOU HAD BEEN TAKEN AWAY 662.AND YOU HAVE FOUND 445
"662": we???
"777": Through the power of the Joining we(#122, #007, #229, #112, and #777) have become one, all our knowledge and power have become one, the power to destroy the world is ours...We are now truly god .
(Sephiroth stabs the group of one)
"Sephiroth": No one likes a show off.
***
(At this point , Chris, the new god of this world, takes a count of all the characters.
pimp-tiger:yep
ice witch: got her
squall: ...
one true sephiroth: yes
clones: too damn many...to concentrate, head bursting...aaauughh.....".SPLAT"!!!!)
***
"Edea": Did anyone else hear a "splat" a minute ago?
(As the world begins to end with no god to run it, a space-time
vortex opens sucking all of the worlds people into it, sending them into
their dead gods subconscious mind....)
"ring-ring"
"ring-ring"
"445":....hello?....no I don't open the store today, no
its 662's turn, I have a game at 2, ok, ok , I’ll open, just promise me
you be there by 12, ok, FINE bye.
Clones
A film by Chris Coates
***
"Moomba#5": youse guys open?
"445": Momba, what did i tell you and your partner about dealing in front of the store?
"Moomba": what choo talkin bout, we ain't dealin'
"777": you guys got anything?
"Moomba": yeah, what choo want?
"445": Mooba, get out fo here!
"Moomba": see this here shit, silent squall were not welcome.
"Squall": ...
***
Splat!(as another part of the demi-gods brain implodes
creating another backwards-ass universe...)
Squall: my name is Squall, and I am a slave...but things weren't always like this..
I had a job, and a girlfriend...Rinoa...but that all changed
after I was hired to retrieve a book...the siefernomicom ex seed, an old
text with spells that could revive an ancient witch....first it came for
Rinoa, then for me...it got into my hand and made it go bad..So I cut it
off at the wrist with a gunblade....then the witch came....BIG TIME...and
brought me to this place........near as I can figure the year is 1500 ad,
and I am being dragged to my death.
Squall Leonheart
.vs.
The Army of Darkness
Splat!(here we go again, I promise this will be the last one...maybe....if you are good and bring me cupcakes)
Sugar, spice and the DNA of a one winged angel...these were the ingredients
used to create the perfect sephiroth clones....but professor Vincent accidentally
added an extra ingredient....black mana...thus the sephi-puff girls, sweety
and snuggles were born...using there ultra super powers , saffron, sweetie
and snuggles , have dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces
of evil....
The city of Gardenseed
A quiet little town ...where its local inhabitants enjoy various activities...but
no so much as from his ominous volcano top lair....the evil....MOJO HOJO!!!
MOJO HOJO: hahahaha I have finally found the sephipuff
girls weakness...the black mana!!!
Meanwhile at the garden oaks kindergarten school, its nap time and the teacher Mistress Edea is enjoying a good book...
Suddenly a loud boom wake the children as Mojo hojo dressed in an exo-suit blasts thru the wall
Mojo: hahahahaha I have found you girls, my enemies, my nemeses, people I hate and down right despise to the point of not being friends!
Saffon: mojo hojo what are you up to this time?
Snuggles: I’m scared
Sweety: quit being such a baby
Snuggles: "whimper"
Mojo: with this large giant robot of great size and tallness, I will crush you girls
Mistress Edea: I don’t know who you are, but it is currently nap time and you are upsetting the children, if you want to talk to the girls come back after nap time
Mojo: fine then!! I will wait outside
… 5 minutes later
Mojo: is nap time over yet?
Mistress Edea: no in 2 minutes
30 seconds later
Mojo: is it..
Mistress edae: NO!
….
The demi god, who did not die but in fact just had a brain freeze due to an extra large pina colada slurpee, regains conciousness and sets everything right…well almost..
….
Josh: how did I get into this house? I had better call for help….HELP…. HELP, ….MIKE,….HEATHER
And I will go wait in the basement….whoa that was close I almost hit my head on this beam if I was going any faster I could have been knocked out.
Meanwhile: Heather and Mike are outside the house
Heather : Josh where are you??
Mike: yeah where are ya man? You check up stairs, I’ll
check down.
Josh: Mike be careful, theres a low beam….
"thump"
Josh: that’s gotta hurt, here man I’ll help you up, lean into this corner.
Heather: Josh, Mike where are you…..I am coming downstairs
"Thump"
as for Squall, the Sephiroth clones and the witch, well
that’s a whole nother story…..
THE END(thank god)
To be continued(oh no) in "Book of Shadows"(fear its coming)