Legal stuff:
FFVII characters/likenesses are copy right of Squaresoft, and are used without permission.
Sephiroth Clones #31, #118, and #445 are kinda original characters, at least in the personality
aspect.  Sephiroth Clone #662 was created by WB so it's "his" character, and is used with
permission.
 

Warning:
Uh, yeah this is a very messed up fic, and should not be read by ANYONE.
If you are easily offended, or you have no sense of humor stop reading right now.  A LOT of
liberties were taken with the plot and characters: those were intentional.  Anything
else you might find funny was intentional too  ^_^
 

Once upon a time, there was an this mercenary named Cloud Strife, and his
um...associates Tifa Lockheart and Barret Wallace.  All useless characters that were put here
simply for comedic relief.  In fact, Tifa and Barret aren't even in this part.
Anyway, There was this other "evil" guy named Sephiroth {No
last name given}.  He had a bunch of clones for some reason.  Just because...well he
could I guess.  Now here we have four such aforementioned clones.  #31, #118, #445,
and #662.  Let's listen in on their conversation as they make their way back to ShinRa
Headquarters.

#662: If I want to walk around in my birthday suit it should be allowed.  You're born
naked, and you die naked.  Well you do if you plan it right.
#31: *sigh* Why am I always the one that has to look after you faulty clones.
#118: I'm so pretty.  I'm so cute.  Aren't I?  Aren't I?
#445: So isn't a bad thing if we all walk together?  I mean won't someone notice that we
all look almost exactly the same?
{All the clones look at each other.  #31 is the oldest looking about 30, and #118 is
female.  #662 is...well #662 is just #662.  #445 seems to be shorter and younger than the
rest.}
#31: That's why #118 has to wear the skirt, and you have to dress up like some preppy
boarding school punk.
#445: Really?  I thought it was just cuz you guys like to bug me!
#31: Yes, well that too.
#662: I want to wear the skirt one time.
{everyone ignores him}
#118: I think it makes him look hot.
#445: Ahhh!!!!  You stay away from me or I'll...I'll...
#118: You'll what?
#445: Call the cops!
#31: Oh for crying out loud, #445.  You're a clone...
#118: Yeah.  So, I repeat: you'll what?
#445: I guess I'll just stand here and gawk like a weapon-less idiot.
#662: A ha ha ha!
{#31 slugs #445 on the head with the hilt of his sword.}
#31: You're a disgrace to the Master, #445.
#445: Oww...{rubs his head} when do I get to have a sword? Even #662 has one!
#31: When you're old enough.
#445: But...but...#662 has one!  I'm more stable than he is!
#31: Yes, well it has nothing to do with stability.  You're still a little punk.
#118: A hot little punk...merroowww...
#455: It's not fair!  Why did I have to be grown cell by cell at normal development rates?!
Why couldn't I be like you, #31, and have been created in two weeks!
#31: Because the Master wanted to see if you would turn out the same.  He's settling a
curiosity of his.
#662: A ha ha ha!  #445 is a science experiment!
#118: And we're not?
#662: A ha ha ha!  But #445 is the only one who has to age at a regular rate!  A ha ha ha!
#445: It's not fair #31!!!!!
{#31 whacks #445 again}
#31: Stop whining you little punk.  All right, now listen all of you.  We will separate and
return to ShinRa alone.  That way we draw less attention to ourselves.  Any questions?
#445: When do I stop having to dress like this?  {he gestures to his "school uniform"
which is gray pants, and a white shirt with a black tie and gray jacket.}
#31: #445 that question is off topic.  You have to dress like that until you are old enough
to dress like the rest of us.  Now are there any serious questions?
#662: Yes.  When do I get to wear the skirt?
#31: *sigh*  I must get a different task from the Master.
{They walk off leaving #118 and #445.}
#118: Now are you sure you can find your way back #445?
#445: Yeeessss....
#118: Are you sure?  Because you can hold my hand and I'll take you back if you like.
#445: Get away from meeeee!!!!!
#118: Come on, #445!  Shouldn't you protect me?  I'm just a harmless girl!
#445{backs away}: You're not HARMLESS!!!!!!
#118: Come on #445!  Just this once!!!!
{He slams into someone, and falls on top of them.  A basket of flowers flies up in the air
and lands in his lap.}
Girl: Ugh, could you get off me?
#445: Uh oh...{he scrambles up.}  Are you all right, miss?
{A brown-haired girl is sitting on the ground.  She has green eyes, and her hair is in a
braid.  A large pink bow is tied around the top of the braid.  She's wearing a pink dress,
brown boots, and a red jacket.}
Girl: Oh dear...my flowers.
{#445 looks around then hesitantly offers her a hand to help get up. He then stares
stupidly at her for a minute}
Girl: Oh you caught them!  Thank you!
{#445 stares blankly, not sure what to do next.  (Let me explain, the clones don't often
interact with anyone outside of other clones and ShinRa scientists so they have limited
social skills.)}
#445: Well...uh...your flowers are....nice.
Girl: They're for sale.  I'm a flower girl, {blush} but then you probably already guessed
that.  My name is Aeris Gainsborough.
#445{thinks}: What's a flower girl?  {aloud} That's..uh...nice.  I'm sorry I knocked you
over.
Aeris: No harm done.
#445: Uh...how much are your flowers?
Aeris: Oh, a Gil each.
#445{digs in his pocket, and pulls out a few Gil}: I'd like one.
{Aeris gives him a flower.  He gives her the Gil.  #118 glares at him from across the
street.}
{#445 horrified look}
Aeris: For your girlfriend?  {she counts}  Oh you've given me too much.{<--- sweet,
honest Aeris}
#445: A girlfriend?  What? {<--- stupid clone(good character notes)}
Aeris: Here.  It's only one Gil.
#445: Uh...you keep it.  I don't really need it.  They just give it to me in case I need to
bribe someone like a public official, or a judge, or a politician.  Politicians are the more
expensive.  One time I heard that-
Aeris{laughs}: You're so funny!
#445: Uh...okay.
{#118 glares at Aeris}
Aeris: Uh...right.  But really, this is too much for a flower.
#445: Well...I knocked you down didn't I?  This is so you don't tell anyone.
Aeris: Oh, now I'm being bribed?
#445: Uh...okay.
Aeris: And why would you want to bribe a simple flower girl?
#445: You ask too many questions.  {#118 glares at him from across the street.}  I'm
sorry Miss but I really have to go...I need to get home now.
Aeris: Wait!  I don't know your name!
{#445 stops right at the street}
#445: Bye miss Aeris!
{He runs through traffic and vanishes down the street.}
Aeris: What a strange kid...

****

{We cut back to #445 who is now inside ShinRa HQ.  Floor #69 the Science Wing.}
#445: #31 said you wanted to see me, Mr. Hojo?
Hojo: PROFESSOR Hojo!!!! PROFESSOR!!!!
#445: ...er right.
Hojo: #118 tells me that you interacted in an unauthorized way with a Flower Girl today.
#445: ...uh....
Hojo: Don't lie to me, you little punk!  Did you or didn't you?!
#445: I did sir.
{Hojo hits him upside the head with a clipboard.}
Hojo: YOU IDIOT!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL THE TRUTH!!!!
#445: Whaaaaat?!  You mean I'm in trouble for telling the truth?!
Hojo: Ah!  You faulty clone!  {hits him repetitively with the clipboard}  I've done
everything to make you a proper lying, evil psychopath and nothing works!
#445: ow ow ow ow ow
Hojo: I see I will have to use electroshock therapy on you.
#445: !!!!
{Hojo attaches shockers to #445's bangs.}
#445: I'm sorry Mr. Hilton!  I won't do it again!
Hojo:  PROFESSOR HOJO!!!!! PROFESSOR YOU IDIOT!!!!
{Hojo turns on the electroshock therapy machine.  #455 vibrates as electricity shoots
through him.}
#445: ow ow ow ow ow..ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!
Hojo: Really.  You shouldn't make me do this to you.  *sigh*
#445: ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!  ow ow ow ow ow
Hojo: Honestly.  I haven't had this much trouble since the original Sephiroth...
#445: ow ow oZAAAAAAAAAAAAAPw ow ow
{Hojo turns off the electroshock machine}
#445{as he smokes slightly}:  No mom I don't wanna go to school today....can we stay at
the HoJo we when go to Disneyland...?
Hojo: PROFESSOR!!!!! I AM PROFESSOR HOJO!!!!  {hits #445 repetitively with his
clipboard.}  OH YOU USELESS THING!!!!  {grabs #445 by the hair and tosses him in a
funny looking machine}  I see it's time to give you a Mako treatment.
#445{groggily}: Toast is just fine with me...
Hojo: oh you STUPID STUPID LITTLE PUNK SPECIMEN!
#445: Can we get room service Mom?  I don't feel so good...gnuyh...
Hojo: GRRR...{kicks #445 and grabs a phone}  Hello?  #31?  Go get me a Specimen to
experiment on!  What?  I DON'T CARE!!! GO GET ME A STRAY CAT OR
SOMETHING TO MUTATE!!!  JEEZ!!!!  You think you clones would show some
loyalty to your creator!!!!
#445: Mom...?  Mom...are you listening to me?
Hojo: Oh ho ho!  So you want to see your "Mom" do you?
#445: Mom...?
{Hojo picks him up by the hair and sticks his face against a view plate on a containment
chamber.  #445 stares stupidly into it.}
#445: HOLY- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!!!
Hojo: Ha ha.  That is JENOVA.
#445: DAMN! THAT'S ONE UGLEEEEEEEEEEEE THING!!!!!
{The phone rings.  Hojo answers it.}
Hojo: WHAT?!  WELL GO GET THE GIRL!!!!
#445: HOLY GOD!  I mean DAMN it's UGLY!!!
Hojo: You there!
#445: ...?
Hojo: I have a job for you!
#445: ...?
Hojo{holds a picture}: Go find this girl!

****

{#445 walks around the street looking for the girl in the photo that Hojo gave him.}
#445: Now Mr. Best Western said if I find this girl he won't hook me up to the shock
machine again today...
{He walks into someone.}
Aeris: Ouch!  {she looks up.}  You again!
#445: Are you all right?
Aeris: We've got to stop meeting this way!
#445: Oh!  It's you!  I didn't see...uh sorry.
Aeris: Most people are too busy to.
#445: People are very busy.  I've noticed that.  They're always rushing about from one
place to another.
Aeris: That's a good observation.
#445: I do a lot of observing.
Aeris: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
#445: My what?
Aeris: Your name, silly!  What do they call you?
#445: Usually the "little punk".  Or Seph-
Aeris{laughing}: Stephan?  That's nice.
#445: Uh...okay. {<-- confused clone reply}
Aeris: Well, it was very nice to meet you, Stephen.  {she looks at him.}  So you're in
training to become a SOLDIER?
#445{uncomfortable}: What makes you say that?
Aeris: Well, that is a ShinRa Academy uniform, isn't it?
#445: I dunno.  I just wear it because they tell me too.
{Aeris laughs a little.}
Aeris: Well, I'd better be going. It was nice to meet you.  Good luck at the Academy,
Stephen.
#445:...
{Aeris walks off.  #445 looks down at the picture and realizes it's of Aeris.}
#445: Oh SHIT!!!!  HEY AERIS!!!!!!!!  WAIT UP A SECOND!!!!!
{He follows her.}

****

{Aeris is talking to a Blond-haired jerk we all know as Cloud.  (Hey I never said I was
following the plot EXACTLY as it happened did I?  WELL DID I?)}
Aeris: What happened here?
Cloud: {DROOL}  Ehehehe.....
{#445 watches from behind a whatever those things are you hide behind to spy on
people}
#445: Hey...I know that guy...could it be...?  NAH!!!!!  No way!
Aeris: Are you all right sir?
Cloud: {DROOL}  Ehehehe...
Aeris: Uh...yeah right.  Would you like to buy a flower?
Cloud: {DROOL}
Aeris: {scared look}: Momma warned me that men like you were out there!  {smacks
Cloud upside the head with her flower basket and runs away}
{Aeris runs by where #445 is hiding so he grabs her.}
Aeris: HEY!!!! Let me go!!!
{Aeris kicks #445}
#445: Owowowowow!  I dunno what's worse this or the electroshock!
Aeris: HELP ME!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
#445: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  SOMEONE'S GONNA HEAR YOU!!!!!
{#118 walks over.}
#118: Hello darling.  Having trouble?
#445: AHHHHHHHHH!...no waitaminute...I'm {shudder, sick look} glad to see you!
#118: I know.  You missed me, didn't you honey?
#445: Uh...no.  Help me get this girl to be quiet!
#118: Whatsamatter?  She doesn't like it when you play rough?  merrooooorrrr...you can
play as rough as you like with me...mrrrrrrrrroww...
Aeris: What are you, a cat?!
445: AHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SICKO!!!!!  YOU'RE LIKE MY
SISTER OR SOMETHING!!!!!
#118: Come give your big sister a kiss!
#445: NO WAY!!!!!   {runs off with Aeris bouncing slung over his shoulder.}
#118: *giggle*  Well if you're going to play hard to get...{runs after him}
#445: Can't you see I've got someone slung over my shoulder?!  {Aeris kicks him and
beats on his back.}
Aeris: LET ME GOOOOOOOO!!!
#118: Oh honey!  You've been seeing someone else!  I'm so hurt!  {She clings to his arm}
After all we've meant to each other!
#445: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GET YOUR @#$!ing hands off me!!!!!
{They disappear around the corner, and everyone stares after them for a while.   Then
they sigh, shrug their shoulders, and go back to whatever they were doing.  (Stuff like this
always happens in Midgar I guess).}
 

****

{Back in the ShinRa building.}
Hojo: Very good, #445.  You have brought me a subject experiment on!  Because  of
your good job I will only use half as much electricity in your next Shock Therapy.
#445: Oh thank you, Mr. Ritz!
Hojo:  HOJO!!!!! PROFESSOR HOJO YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!   {hits #445 repetitively upside
the head.}
#445: Hey!  ow! ow!  {screen does that annoying flash thing.  #445 stands really still.
Note he is now possessed by Sephiroth so we'll call him that.}
Hojo: Eh?  What's this?
Sephiroth:  Ha ha ha...soon I will merge with the Lifestream and become a God!
Hojo: Eh?
Sephiroth: Where is the Black Materia?  I must find the Black Materia!
Hojo: Now jes a minute...if you think this is going to get you out of electroshock therapy-
Sephiroth: You dare insult me?!  I am Sephiroth!
Hojo: Yes, yes you are.  {rolls his eyes}  Now come here my little specimen...{gets out
the electrode-thingies}
Sephiroth: I AM NOT YOUR SPECIMEN!!!! I AM SEPHIROTH AND I AM ALL
POWERFUL AND- eh?  What are you doing?
{Hojo attaches the electrode to #445's bangs.   (Yes, Aeris is mutely watching the whole
thing, okay?  What's she gonna do?  She's in one of those big clear tubes...y'know...)}
Hojo: {turns on the electricity} Disobedient specimen!
Sephiroth: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...You'll pay for this Hojo!  {Flashy screen effect...(what is
up with that anyway?)  A masamune (the proper term for Sephiroth's long sword as I've
been told) materializes in his hand (just because that's the way it happens in the game)
and he puts the sword through Hojo (gotta practice for the Forgotten Capital scene near
the end of Disc One I guess).}
Aeris: {bangs on the wall of the tube (does anyone really know a better name for them?
They are tubes as far as I can tell).}  Hey!  Let me out!  Let me out!  {(Once
again...events do not follow the game exactly.)}
Sephiroth: Who are you?
Aeris: I'm Aeris, an Ancient.
Sephiroth: Hmmm...{thinks about the long, lonely search for the Black Materia}.  What
the hell, sure. {lets Aeris out}
Aeris: Thanks.  Where are you going now?
Sephiroth: Why, to kill everyone in this building.  And I guess I will kill you too!  Ha ha
ha!
Aeris: No!  I don't want to die this early in the game!  Heck, I don't want to die at all!
{she begins to hit him over the head with a chair, cue weird screen flash again.  Note now
he is unpossessed or de-possessed or whatever the correct term is}
#445:  ouch!  Hey!  That hurts!  Knock it off, lady!  Whad I ever do to you?
Aeris: You were going to kill me!
#445: Was not!
Aeris: Were too!
#445: Not!
Aeris: Too!
#445: Uh...Was too!
Aeris: Were not!
#445: I know I told you I wasn't.  {he trips over Hojo's body}  Hey, who killed Professor
Hojo?
Aeris: You did!
#445: I DID NOT!
Aeris: YOU DID TOO!
#445: I did-  Hey, wait didn't we just do this?
Aeris: Yeah...but YOU DID TOO!!!!
#445: Well...um...and now I'm going to um...go find the others and um...{stares off into
space}
Aeris: Kill everyone in this building?
#445: Ah...what the hell,  sure.  Sounds like fun.  Wanna help?
Aeris: Okay.
#445: Heh heh.  Cool-  {weird screen effect.  #445 goes really still again.  Note:
possessed?  repossessed?}
Aeris: Uh...are you okay?
Sephiroth: I'll be much better once I get the Black Materia.
Aeris: Oh this Black Materia?  {pulls out the Black Materia}
Sephiroth: Where did you get that?!
Aeris: I was going to use it to destroy the world.
Sephiroth: I think I'm in love.
Aeris:  Kidding!  Hee hee!  {girlish giggle}  Tricked you!
Sephiroth: Goddammit!  You can die like everyone else!
Aeris: Oh, you're so childish!  Fine, have the silly materia.
Sephiroth: ha ha ha!  Thanks!  Now I can summon Meteor, destroy the world, become a
god..etc, etc, etc..!!
Aeris: Oh good.  So I can go home now.
Sephiroth: Uh...no you can't!  You're coming with me!  You can help me destroy the
world!
Aeris: Why?
Sephiroth: Because...um....it'll be fun!
Aeris: Okay.  It's not like I have anything better to do.
Sephiroth: Cool.  Let's go.
Aeris: Aren't you going to kill everyone in the building first?
Sephiroth: No, the clones can do that.
Aeris: Okay.
{They leave.}