Legal stuff:
FFVII characters/likenesses are copy right of Squaresoft, and are used without
permission.
Sephiroth Clones #118, and #445 are kinda original characters, at least in the
personality aspect.  Sephiroth Clone #662 was created by WB so it's "his"
character, and is used with permission.
 

Warning:
Uh, yeah this is a very messed up fic, and should not be read by ANYONE.
If you are easily offended, or you have no sense of humor stop reading right
now.  BECAUSE IT JUST GETS STRANGER.  A LOT of liberties were taken with the
plot and characters: those were intentional.  Anything else you might find funny
was intentional too  ^_^

FINALLY!  It's done!  Sorry about the long stretch between Disc 2 and Disc 3.
 
****

{The Northern Crater.  Cait Sith, Tifa, Barret, and Yuffie are setting up
decorations and such for the party.  Or as much as you can set up for a party in
a crater.  Cloud is supervising, and practicing his speech about how easily he
defeated everyone.}
Cloud: And because you are all such easily duped morons it was not hard for me
to fool you into thinking I was not evil.
Cait Sith: {hangs up a streamer} Oh that was simply wonderful Cloud!
Cloud: Why thank you Cait Sith.  I like you best.
Tifa: {stands there unable to move} My clothes are too tight!
Barret: D'oh!  Why es we workin' for dis spiky-haired boy anyway?
Yuffie: I'm not.  I'm just hoping to steal all of the materia and run off when
no one's looking.
Cloud: And most of all, I shall enjoy most of all seeing you, Sephiroth, die as
a pitiful mortal!
Cait Sith: Oh beautiful!  {claps}  Beautiful!

****

{Aeris, Sephiroth Clone #445, Red XIII, Cid, and Vincent Valentine (who we have
reasons to suspect is being possessed by Sephiroth) are sitting on the Highwind making
plans to go to Northern Crater to try and stop Cloud.}
"Vincent": We should just kill him.
Red XIII: But then Meteor will still come.
Aeris: Not if I summon Holy!
"Vincent": NO!!  Holy must not be summoned.  If it is summoned I cannot become a
God instead of Cloud!
Cid: What the #%#@!% is up with you, Vincent?
"Vincent": Um, ". . ."
Aeris:  Sephy-chaaaaaan!!!!
#445: {cringing}  Please don't call me that, Aeris!
Aeris: {giggle}  Sorry Sephy-chan!
#445: What do you want?
Aeris: After we kill the bad man {My friend Dreamer says this all the time.
"Kill the bad man!"} can we get married?!
#445: Um...uh...gosh, Aeris, we're both so young...
Cid:  Marry her you *#@*$&#@*$!  Be a %#&*@&$-ing man!
#445:  Uh...
Aeris: Oh please, Sephy-chan?!
#445:  Isn't the guy supposed to ask the girl?
Red XIII: Then ask her.
#445: Aeris, will you marry me?
Aeris: OF COURSE SEPHY-CHAN!!!!
#445: Hey wait a minute...did I just...and she just...and oh...SHIT!!
"Vincent": This is all well and good, but now we must go kill Cloud.  Come on
fools! I mean fellow heroes.
{"Vincent" begins to climb down the rope ladder to the crater below.}
Red XIII: I feel that Vincent is acting rather odd, Cid.
Cid: Yeah, no ^*#*(#&$(*@#&$(%(*&#@$(*& @(#$&, Red.  You notice that that
&@*#$&(*#@&$ Sephiroth Clone is acting #@($*)@#(*$ odd too?
Red XIII: {Looks over to where Aeris is squeezing the life out of, er hugging
#445.}  Yes.  He's not acting even remotely like Sephiroth.  But...Vincent is.  I wonder if it is
possible that Sephiroth has possessed Vincent.
Cid: Naaaaaaaaaaw...
Red XIII: Ah, you're right.  That would just be too silly.
Cid: Let's get this ^&*^(*^&(*& show on the ^&*(^$&$&^% road!
#445: Aeris you have to let go of me so I can climb down the ladder!
Aeris: Tee hee hee!
{Sephiroth Clone #118 and #662 creep out from the shadows of the Highwind.}
#118:  There is nothing I hate more than having a bit part.  My beauty and skill
is being wasted in this story.
#662: Let's go join up with Cloud.
#118: No, better yet, let's double-cross everyone and become Gods.
#662: Okay.  Can I be a naked god?
#118: Not around me.
{They exit, planning to double-cross everyone and become Gods just in case you
missed that.}

****

(Meanwhile in the Northern Crater Cloud was continuing his decorating and party
preparations.  Of course he'd heard somewhere that singing helped the job go faster so he was
singing.)
Cloud: "If you wanna be my lover, first you gotta get with my friends!  Taking
is so easy, friendship never ends!"
Cait Sith: That was beautiful, Cloud!
Yuffie:  You're like such a suck up, Cait.  Like oh fer shure.
Cait Sith: Yes but by sucking up my pathetic life can go on for a just little
while longer.
(Tifa, Barret, Yuffie, and have been tied up with Streamers.}
Cloud: Look you guys are just swell and everything but I only really need one
evil sick-kick/comedy relief around, and well, Cait Sith just pours on the
compliments and helps build my pitifully low self-esteem up to a God-like
status.  So I'm just going to kill you guys with all my other enemies.  But
thanks for helping me before and no hard feelings, okay?
Barret: I knows you wuz bad news the moment I saw ya, Spike-head!
Cloud: {blushing and doing the 'gay wave' at Barret} Oh, Barret, you
flatterer...but no!  I won't be changing my mind about this!
Yuffie: Like, Sephiroth's gonna come and, like, kick your butt, Cloud, like fer
shure and no doubt!
{Tifa says nothing because she's been dead for hours.  The lack of oxygen to her
brain caused by her tight clothes did her in.}
Cloud: Now I have to go and-
{There is a growl...actually it's more of a gurgle.}
Cloud: Oh, coming, Mommy!  {Cloud rushes over to where Jenova's Head is sitting
in a Ziploc baggie.}  How's Mommy feeling?  Are you hungry, Mommy?  Do you want Cloud to
feed you, Mommy?
Jenova's Head: No you, moron!  I want you to get me out of this bag!  Put me in
a fish bowl or something!  And for Godsake keep my body away from that fissure that leads to
the Lifestream!
Cloud: {looks over to see Jenova's body wandering out blindly and stumbling very
close to the opening of a fissure that leads to the Lifestream} Oh, pooh!  Get away from that
fissure, Mommy!  Cait!  Stop Mom's body from falling into that fissure!
{Cait Sith cast SLOW...it actually works, and Cloud makes it in time to stop
Jenova's body from falling into the fissure.  Cloud then rushes around trying to find a fishbowl or
some other suitable thing to put Jenova's head in.}
Cloud: Mommy!  How about the punch bowl?
Jenova's head: Anywhere but this damn Ziploc baggie!
{Cloud dumps the Ziploc bag into the punch bowl and quickly adds some water for
Jenova's Head to float in.}
Cloud: Is that better, Mommy?
Jenova's Head: Much better.  Now stop calling me 'Mommy', you pathetic failure.
Cloud: Yes, at once, Mommy!
Jenova's Head: {sighs} What a screw-up.
Cloud: Cait!  Let's get into our party outfits!

****

{Aeris, Sephiroth Clone #445, Red XIII, Cid, and Vincent Valentine (who we still
have reasons to suspect is being possessed by Sephiroth) come into the Crater where Cloud is
having his party.  Of course since they took the long and drawn out path they've arrived
fashionably late.  Rufus, the Turks, Scarlet, Hojo, and what's his name...the guy with the funny
laugh are already dancing to bad 'dance music' from Cloud's personal connection.  Cait Sith is
bouncing around with a drink tray and wearing a pair of sunglasses and a bright pink bow tie.}
Cait Sith: Oh, how nice to see you!  Have a Margarita!
Sephiroth Clone #445: Thanks I don't mind if I-
Cait Sith: I'm sorry, but ShinRa regulations don't allow anyone under the age of
21 to drink.  I'll have to see some id.
Cid: Enough of these pansy @$$ drinks!  Where's the &$#@*$&(*@#&$(@ real stuff?!
Red XIII: We didn't come here to drink.  We came here to stop Cloud.
"Vincent": *Kill* Cloud, you fool!  We're going to _kill_ him!
Cid: %*#()@$*)(#@*$! Relax, Vincent!  Have a ^&^%&*^*&^*&^%$&$&%*%()@@-ing beer!
Aeris: Come on, Sephy-chan!  Let's dance!  {Aeris grabs #445 and drags him out
on the dance floor.}
#445: But I can't dance!
Cid: Get the ^&**%$#@$^*&#@^$ out there and %&%*&#^$*^@ dance!  Be a &$*(#@$(-
ing man!
"Vincent": Come, odd Dog-cat-unknown creature-
Red XIII: I'm Nanaki.
"Vincent": Let us go and kill Cloud.
Red XIII: I'm noticing a very violent undertone to your voice, Vincent.  Is
there anything you'd like to talk about?
"Vincent": Um... ". . ."
{"Vincent" sees Cloud.}
"Vincent": AHA!  CLOUD!  MY IDIOTIC LITTLE BROTHER!  DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU
COULD EVER HOPE TO DEFEAT ME?!
Cloud: {squeak} Don't hurt me Mr. Scary Bishounen Freak Man.  I'll do whatever
you want!
Jenova's Head: Cloud, don't be a wuss!
Hojo: Yeah, son, be a man!
Cid: You %#(@)$&ing sure said it, Hojo!  I couldn't have ^%@&%!~^@%~^%ing said
it better myself!
Hojo: Hey, wait, isn't that that Turk, Vincent Valentine who continually wants
to kick my sorry behind?
"Vincent": No not now, father, I'm planning to kill my brother!
Red XIII: But Vincent I didn't realize you had a brother!
{Aeris and #445 look back.}
Aeris: Wait...isn't Cloud your brother, Sephy-chan?
#445: I'm Sephiroth Clone #445.
Aeris: Meaning my Sephy-chan took over Vincent's body?!
#445: Yah, he was probably scared and knew you wouldn't go near Vincent.  He's
pretty smart.
Aeris: {bursts into tears}  ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN LOVING THE WRONG SEPHY-CHAN!
{She runs towards "Vincent"}  Oh, Seeeeeeeephiiiiiiiiiiiiii-chaaaaaaaaan!!!!
"Vincent": Oh, shit...
{Aeris clutches a hold of  "Vincent".  Cue the weird flashy screen effect.}
Vincent: Eh?  What is going on here?
Aeris: Oh, Sephy-chan!  I WUV you!
Cloud: No!  Everyone has to pay attention to me!  I'm better than Sephiroth! Pay
attention to me!  MEEEEEEE!
Cait Sith: I'm noticing a lot of family problems here.  {He bounces over on his
big ol' mog}  Now, many of you may not know this, but I have a degree in psychology.  Perhaps
I can help.
Rufus: I know that voice...who are you, Cait Sith?
Cait Sith: Rufus, you're a moron.  Think who isn't here?!
Vincent: Lucrecia?
Cid: That ^&*^&*%^ horny guy who runs the ^*(&^(*&(*& whorehouse in the ^&%%^$$$
wall market?
Aeris: My Sephy-chan?
Yuffie: My Dad, Lord Gudo?
Cloud: That Nude Sephiroth Clone?
Hojo: That scary female Sephiroth clone?
#445: Cloud?
{Hojo whacks #445 upside the head with his clip-board}
Hojo: Cloud's right there, you little dolt!
#445: Ouch!  Okay...um...the butt ugly monster that Hojo claims is my mother?
{Hojo hits him again}
Hojo: Jenova's right there!
#445: Well...okay...um...
Red XIII: Reeve, maybe?
#445: Zack!  Zack's not here!
Everyone else except for Cait Sith: Who's Zack?!
Rufus: It's you Reeve, isn't it?
Cloud: Oh, Reeve, you big silly, you!
Cait Sith: No, you idiot, it's me, your best friend, Zack!
Cloud: Zack...oh yeah!  Hi Zack, how you been?  Aren't you dead?
Zack: No, I was reincarnated into this stuffed cat's body!  Pretty niffy, ne?
Cloud: Oh, Zack!  No wonder Cait Sith was so swell to me!  You always said such
nice things to me, Zack!
Zack: Cloud, it's just wrong to destroy the world with a Meteor.  Won't you
listen to reason?
Cloud: {begins to cry} But, Zack, all I want is for people to realize that I'm
cooler than Sephiroth!  All I ever heard from my Dad was 'why can't you be more like your
big brother, Sephiroth'?  (Cloud cries}
Zack: {gestures to some chairs} Everyone sit down.  We're going to have a big
group therapy session and get our lives back on track.  {everyone sits.  Well, except for
Jenova's head. It just sorta floats} Now, say hi to the group and say what your reasons for
being here are. Cloud, you can go first, okay?
Cloud: {wipes at his eyes with a pink lacy handkerchief} Well, {sniffle}, all my
life I've always been compared to my big brother, Sephiroth.  Even after he was dead, my
Dad started making all these clones of him.  He never made any clones of me.  I just feel so
inadequate! I hate you Sephiroth!  I want to destroy you and everyone else with a big
Meteor!
Zack: There, there, it's all right, Cloud.  Let's hear from Sephiroth next,
okay?  Sephiroth?
{They look at Vincent who looks confused.  So they all look around at one
another}
Red XIII: Where did Sephiroth go?
Zack: Um...we'll come back to him.  Let's go to you next, Hojo.
Hojo: I just want to leave my mark in the field of mad scientists.  So I do
crazy things to try to shock everyone and make them remember who I was.  But that's not enough these
days.  So I wanted my children to be really famous too.  Sephiroth was cut down in the prime
of his life, what father wouldn't try to bring him back?  I had no idea my single-minded
pursuit was harming the well-being of Cloud, though.
#445: Didn't you say you loved Cloud more?
Hojo: Hey, I was stoned at the time.  You can't actually believe anything I say.
#445: You said you didn't love Sephiroth.
Hojo: Hey, the odds made it look like Cloud was going to come out on top, I went
with the kid who'd win.
#445: You really hurt Sephiroth's feelings.  Sephiroth is upset and feels
abandoned.
Zack: I'm sorry, young man, are you Sephiroth?
#445: No, I'm Sephiroth Clone #445, but we are all one with the Master.
Sephiroth says he  never asked you to try to bring him back, Hojo.
Hojo: Aw, look, I love both of my children equally.  I'm really sorry that I
tried to make Cloud follow in Sephiroth's footsteps.  If Cloud wants to be a Kabuki Dancer
then it's his own choice, right?
Cloud: Oh, Dad, you mean it?!
Hojo: Sure, I can always make another kid from the spare parts I've got in the
lab.
#445: Sephiroth feels that is very sick and disturbed.  Oh, and he's really
sorry he tried to kill you, Zack.
Zack: Water under the bridge.  Now, if Cloud and Sephiroth are satisfied and
Hojo is done we can move on to the next person.
Hojo: Screw you all!  I'll go through with the Meteor summoning myself!
{Vincent shoots Hojo in the head.  Hojo dies.}
Vincent: That was for Lucrecia.
Cloud: Dude, wasn't the last time for Lucrecia?
Vincent: Oh...that's for making me this monster.
Cloud: Dude, you can do better than that.
Vincent: Fine.  That was for the remark about making another kid from the spare
parts in the lab.  It really offended me.  Satisfied?
Cloud: Very.
Zack: Jenova, let's go to you.  What do you want?
Jenova: To kill your miserable planet!
Zack: Jenova, isn't that you body falling into that fissure that leads to the
Lifestream?
{A splash is heard}
Jenova: DAAAAAAMN!!!!
#445: {picks Jenova's head up and drop kicks it into the fissure.  A second
splash is heard.}  Sephiroth felt there was no point in keeping the head around, and he was annoyed
with her anyway.
Zack: Okay, then, um...what do you want, Aeris?
Aeris: To summon Holy and save the world so I can marry my Sephy-chan!
#455: Sephiroth wishes me to turn pale and gurgle now.
Zack: Uh...okay, great.  But your long-term plans, Aeris?
Aeris: To sell flowers and raise all of our bishounen childern, right Sephy-
chan?!
#445: Sephiroth wishes to tell you that he regretfully cannot marry you because
he is dead.  But he instructs me to let you know that if you stop acting like a complete
psycho I'll marry you.
Aeris: Oh...okay.  {grabs his hand}
Zack: Great!  This is going so well!  Now, is there anyone else who would like
to tell us what they want from this session?
Cid: I want a $*@#&$(*-ing beer!
Red XIII: I would like to return to the Cosmo Canyon and go back to my duties.
Zack: That's swell, guys!  Great job!  You'll all superstars!
Yuffie: I WANT SOME MATERIA!!!!
Vincent: I want...we all know what I want, right?
{Everyone nods}
Vincent: Okay, in that case there's no reason for me to say it again.
Rufus: I want to...be a Kabuki dancer!
Cloud: {shocked gasp} You too?!
Rufus: Yes!  I've always wanted to be a Kabuki dancer!
Cloud: I love wearing woman's clothes...what's your reason?
Rufus: I...am...gay.
Cloud: {grabs him by the hands} It's okay!  I am too!
#445: This is so...sick.  But I always knew there was something wrong with you,
Cloud!
Scarlet: I want to run ShinRa!
Rufus: Go ahead.
Reno: Then we are joining the kabuki troupe.
Rude: Yes.  We refuse to work for Scarlet.
Elena: Then I'll be head Turk!
Scarlet: GIRL POWER!!
Elena: YEAH, PREACH IT LOUD SISTA!!!
{Elena and Scarlet slap each hi-fives}
Zack: Oh, I'm just so happy this is all working out!  So, I think that's
everyone, right?
{A hysterically evil laugh emits from the darkness.}
Female Voice: Not quite...
#445: #118!!!!  OH DEAR GOD NO!!!!!
{#118 face faults and runs out}
#118: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR ME TO TAUNT YOU SOME MORE FROM THE SHADOWS BEFORE YOU ANNOUNCE WHO I AM!!!!
#445: I don't want you doing anything to me!  You're sick and twisted and
totally screwed-up!  You disgust me!
#662: Hey, don't forget about meeeee!
Rufus, Elena, Yuffie, and Scarlet: WOW!!!!
Aeris: EEEEEK!!!!  It's that nasty naked Sephiroth Clone!
#445: Aeris...shouldn't you be drooling like the other girls?  I mean, you do
like Sephiroth, don't you?
Aeris: I like you so much Sephy-chan!  But I don't like THAT Sephy-chan!  He's a
nudist!  And I was raised a good Cetra girl!
#118: ENOUGH!  Now #662 and I shall destroy you all!
Zack: Oh, dear...{bounces forward on the mog} I see I have two more patients.
Please sit down and we'll discuss your problems.
{#118 looks down at him}
#118: Zacky-kins?  Issat you in that wittle toy kitty's body?
Zack: Yes, indeedy!
#118: {grabs the stuffed cat and hugs it} Oh Zack!  I've missed you so!
#445: Aeris...I'm scared...
Aeris: {pats him on the shoulder} It's okay, Sephy-chan, it's going to be all
right.  I'll summon Holy and everything will be okay.  Would you like Aeris to make
everything all better?
#445: {nods}
Aeris: {pat pat}  UM...BIG @$$ WHITE MAGIC BLAST!!!!
{Holy hath been summonthed.  The Meteor is vanquished and stuff.  There beeth a
big ol' explosion and the fireworks are seen all over the world}
Aeris: {smiling} There!  No more big nasty Meteor!
#662: Are we Gods yet?
#118: {hugging Zack} Oh, Zack!  Let's get married!
Zack: Sure!
Cloud: {sobs}  This ending is just so happy!  No one died!
Vincent: That's not true, Cloud.  Hojo died about two or three times, and
Jenova's dead too.  And Tifa's dead.  Besides, no one's seen That Fat Guy With The Annoying Laugh
and Barret for a while.
Cloud: {clings to Vincent} But all that doesn't matter!
Vincent: Eeeeh?  What's this?  Remove yourself from me at once Cloud!  Not all
of us Bishounen guys swing that way!
Cloud: {wipes at his eyes with the lacy handkerchief} No?  Oh pooh!
Rufus: It's okay, Cloud!  We have to practice our Kabuki routine!
Cloud: Right on!

****

There ends the beauteous Pre-Apocalyptic Meteor  Party.  But to leave it there
would be wrong!

****

Epilouge:

Cloud, Rufus, Reno and Rude's Kabuki troupe became a fabulous success, and they
often were asked to perform their special "How The World Was Saved" musical number.

Scarlet and Elena took over ShinRa in true feminist fashion and it changed from
a World-controlling Electrical company to a World-Controlling cosmetics company.

Zack and #118 married.  They didn't have any children, but they're in the
process of trying to adopt.

#662 later joined Cloud's Kabuki troupe.  Someone had to play Sephiroth after
all.  His nudity was a big hit with the female audience members.

Yuffie returned home with the party's materia that she stole when they weren't
looking.

Red XIII went back to the Cosmo Canyon.

Vincent found some nice girl who didn't mind the cold touch of a claw on a hot
night to make him an honest bishounen.

Barret and that Fat Guy were never heard from.  It's assumed that they either
formed their own Kabuki troupe or that they were killed by some miscellaneous low-leveled
monster.

Hojo and Jenova bickered back and forth about how best to try to destroy the
world from the Lifestream.  At least until Lucrecia beat them both up.

Aeris and Sephiroth #445 married after he finished university.  They're
expecting their first child and he's been cast in a major motion picture.

Sephiroth, the great master bishounen himself, was pretty pleased with how his
clone had made out and frequently stopped by to visit his brother Cloud by possessing #445.
It's just something that Aeris has come to expect.

Of course the people at Squaresoft don't want you to know that this is the way
FFVII really was supposed to be.  They want you to think it was some really serious game that
focused on Life and Death and Love and Illusion and Reality and stuff like that.  So as soon as
they saw this pitch from the FFVII writers they quickly fired them and got some other jerks to
write it.

   Oh well we can always hope they'll get it right next time...