Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen; just vending machines.
My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.