The Politically Correct Holiday Party
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel
that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Over eaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restroom s. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll
get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The Witch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director