A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, and she does
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority
One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."
Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again!"
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, "I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages." "Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in three times a week."
Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
A man is on a train and is carrying three babies. The lady sitting next to him asks, "Are they your babies?" The man lowers his head and says, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process told him he needed to enter a password. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try to shock his spouse a little. When the computer asked for a password, he typed in "penis." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied, "Please enter another password. Not long enough."
Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
The main difference between men and women is that women need a reason to have sex, and men just need a place.
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"