HUMOR AND ENTERTAINMENT

Satire and Cartoons

NIH: COLLEGE STUDENTS IMMUNE TO STIs, PREGNANCY

SATIRE

by NATHAN BURCHFIEL

The Terrapin Times Layout Editor

            The National Institute of Health (NIH) released findings last month showing a link between college admission and immunity to sexually related health problems.

            The study, which tracked thousands of college students from around the nation during their college careers, discovered what the NIH describes as an “inherent connection” between the human immune system and university acceptance letters.

            “We’re looking into the possibility that the paper used for admission letters is the key,” explained Ryan McSlutzen, a representative for the NIH.  He continued, “We’re not sure exactly why it happens, but it definitely does.”

            The report comes as a great relief for college students across the country.  By being admitted to college, a student almost immediately becomes immune to all Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), from syphilis to gonorrhea to the HIV virus.  Female students were also found to be completely infertile, ruling out the possibility of pregnancy.

            “Basically,” McSlutzen explained, “students should feel free to explore their sexuality through all forms of intercourse without worry, as long as it is promiscuous, unprotected and generally freaky.”  McSlutzen referred specifically to the University of Maryland to emphasize his point.  “Hell, you could even booty call the ‘Stride of Pride’ girl from the University of Maryland, College Park and not have to worry about wrapping up your business.”

            Abstinence and safe sex advocates around the country have begun to fall apart at the seams since the findings were released.  One representative from Americans for Abstinence who asked to remain anonymous offered that, “You can’t really argue with the NIH.  They’re never really wrong, so why even bother anymore?”

            As churches and other moral institutions gradually decide that any form of sexual relations outside of marriage are morally acceptable, students gain more freedom to “express” their “sexual liberation” from the oppression of stupid old people.

            “Since sex is the only way to have fun in college,” concluded McSlutzen, “and since no one has moral qualms about anything anymore, we don’t really anticipate anyone to continue being a nerdy prude.  Why would anyone want to cherish sexual relations for their spouse?  What losers.”  

COLLEGE PARK:

THE TWO TOWERS

SATIRE

by ROBERT GARNER

The Terrapin Times Staff Writer

The housing crisis at the University of Maryland that is pushing students into converted triples and temporary housing at 
the University Inn has many sophomores and juniors wondering where they’ll be living next year. Since UMD is essentially 
forcing people off campus, students have to find alternative housing. But where do the people go who yearn to experience 
again the dorm lifestyles they’ll be leaving behind? Back to their parents’ basements from whence they came? No!

The answer? College Park Towers, the two stately buildings on Knox Road and Hartwick Road, which have stood there 
longer than all but the oldest and crinkliest residents can remember. One resident believed that the two towers have 
watched over College Park for untold generations. Eons ago, when the first amino acids came together to form the first 
protein, they were there, proudly overlooking the beginnings of life on this planet. These aging buildings are the perfect
place for exiled University of Maryland students to take up residence.

These apartment buildings give off collegiate dormitory vibes to any who enter them. North Campus residents will 
recognize the six floors as similar to the high-rises they once lived in. The lead piping and asbestos insulation will 
make any South Campus resident feel right at home. 

The dingy, smelly hallways will be familiar to all former on-campus residents. Furthermore, coat after coat of 
lead paint on top of cold, emotionless concrete walls make the College Park Towers perfect places to avoid the radioactive
fallout of a dirty bomb.

Bathrooms in the College Park Towers apartments are reminiscent of the communal restrooms in on-campus dorms. 
Unlike campus bathrooms, the towers’ bathrooms do not have the luxury of regular cleanings. The “extreme bathrooms,” as 
some refer to them, also offer the same lack of privacy as those on campus: some are missing the doors that most people 
consider integral components to any complete restroom.

The Towers’ services and conveniences are an attractive blend between the apartments of North Campus and the row 
houses of South Campus.

Similar to campus housing, residents build strong relationships with the building service staff. Aris Kirimlis 
gave the low-down on the high-rises to The Terrapin Times. Kirimlis, a junior biology and chemistry major who lives in 
the towers, enjoys the company of the exterminators who frequent his building. “They’re really fun to talk to, even if 
you don’t know whether they’re coming for the roaches or the renters.” 

Kirimlis also gets along well with the cockroaches that live in his pantry. “They pitch in for rent sometimes,”
he said, “but the bastards never do dishes.”

Renting a room in the College Park Towers will also show others how affluent you are. Kirimlis and his roommate 
pay $1,500 monthly for rent, which equates to $13,500 for an entire school year. 

The on-campus equivalent for similar facilities is $4,800. This follows the Dick Hug fiscal policy: paying twice 
as much for half the service makes you look four times as good!

For the more adventurous, the towers are an excellent place to live life on the edge of a switchblade. Although 
recent procedural switches have cracked down on crime (when interviewed, several potential offenders said that since they 
now must sign in upon entering the building, their ability to commit crime is severely limited), the fights, car thefts and
stabbings are the only things available to draw thrill-seekers to the apartment buildings. For example, the pilot light 
in Kirimlis’ gas stove is broken. Every time he wants to cook something up, he has to let the gas fill the room and light 
it with a match. Heart pumping, mile-a-minute action!

You may ask yourself, “Why, given what The Terrapin Times knows about the College Park Towers apartments, they 
suggest I’d pick them?” Simple. You’ll soon have no choice. So, get ready to take advantage of all they have to offer.