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TOP 10 THINGS TO DO BEFORE GRADUATION

SATIRE

by SCOTT GOLDBERG

The Terrapin Times Staff Writer

                   As another crop of Maryland students inches closer towards graduation, we here at The Terrapin Times hope that you enjoyed your stay.  There are a few things that we hope you accomplished during your academic careers, and I have assembled a "Top Ten To Do" list which every student at this University should complete before your tenure at College Park comes to an end. 

10) Go swimming in the fountain.  There are plenty of variations for this activity.  Although clothing is optional, it is frowned upon.

 9) Hook up with at least three people who lived on your floor freshman year.  This is a test of stamina.  Some of us completed this requirement before classes even began, but some have a long way to go.  Kissing the requisite number of people is acceptable, but sex is encouraged.

 8) Sustain yourself on Danny's for an entire month.  If you can survive this, then you've earned your degree. Mmmm, rat.

 7) Urinate in the following two places: first, indoors and not in a bathroom; second, on a sheep.  If any property is destroyed or people become irritated, just blame it on alcohol, even if you're not drunk.  If the police show up, run.

 6) Spend a night drinking at Town Hall.  The socially inept probably think this is where the City of College Park government is located.  However this nearby liquor store with in-house bar is a favorite drinking establishment of the “townies,” where hope is washed down with a cold bottle of National Bohemian and where dreams die almost as fast as brain cells.

 5) Skip class for a week.  Trust me, you won't miss anything.  However, if there are classes you must attend during the week, this is what you should do: sit in the back of the room, and if someone raises their hand to ask a question while the professor’s back is turned, yell as loud as you can "YO, OVER HERE!"

 4) Mouth off to a sorority girl.  There can be nothing more entertaining in life than chewing out a girl who walks around with Greek letters sewed on to her backside and goes out at night with her friends to dive bars, all of them dressed in black pants and headbands.  Comments can be made following the nightly "they better not give me problems with my ID, this is MY bar."

 3) Be someone’s bully.  This time-honored high school practice never found its way on to the contemporary college campus.  It's about time smart kids had their books knocked out of their hands while walking to class and trays full of food smacked to the ground for the whole dining hall to see.

 2) Date your hottie TA.  If you haven't done this already, you're in the minority.  They want to date students, because that's one less paper to grade.  If you're hesitant, just be confident and say the secret code line.  If you're a guy: "I'd like to discuss some extra credit (wink) in your office.  I'll bring my personal palm pilot and we'll see how much I can put in your grade book."  For girls: "I would like to sleep with you."

 1) Find a Parking Code Enforcement Officer (parking ticket guy).  Follow this person until he or she beings issuing a ticket.  After seeing this, make threatening comments as the ticket is being written.  Suggested themes of verbal assault are: homicide, eating their first born, kidnapping their spouses, or mocking their choice of career.  However, the preferred method of harassment is to wait until the ticket has been placed on the windshield and as the parking ticket guy starts to walk away, take the ticket, yell at the parking ticket guy, rip it up and throw the scraps on the ground.  Scamper off with pride.

 Here's to the winter class of 2003. Graduate with the knowledge that after completing this checklist, you have fully prepared yourself to handle anything the cold, cruel world will throw at you.

Editor's Note: The Terrapin Times does not condone violence or threats of violence to anyone especially the fine people 

employed by the Department of Campus Parking, or whatever their name is this month. Nor does it condone or suggest

pre-marital sexual relations, especially in an attempt to receive better grades.