Disclaimer: I don't own any of the people in here (except for Megan) or the HHGTTG reference. Or anything else, for that matter. If there was a plot, I might own that, but there isn't, so it's really a moot point.
AN: If you don't enjoy drumline/tuba bashing, leave now. 'Cause trust me, it can get pretty ugly. *g* Also, many thanks go out to...Christina, Kristy, and Kim the Idea Girl, for their scads of input (and Kristy's death threats). And Melissa, simply because I enjoy being told how wonderful I am. ^-^ Join my band group at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/bandwriters! Please! Reviews are my best friends, and many bonus points go to those who can catch the Hitchhiker's Guide reference.
Minh-Bao, one of the Poodles' drum majors, came into the band room, ready to put in another day of practice. Surprisingly, neither Erica nor Melissa, the other two drum majors, was there. She shrugged, figuring that they were just running a bit late, and headed out to the field to set up the field markers.
When she got out to the field, it was equally deserted. The only thing out there was a note, sitting on top of the podium. It read:
To whom it may concern:
I've kidnapped all your freshmen, as well as two of your drum majors. There isn't any chance of getting them back, so don't even try. I don't want money (although it's not like you guys have any, being a high school band), and I don't want instruments (especially not those crappy dented sousaphones that get broken all the time). All I want is the freshmen and the drum majors; I won't kidnap anyone else. Really. I promise.
"That's weird," Minh-Bao said to no one in particular. "Why would someone kidnap Melissa, Erica, and the freshmen? Especially the freshmen?" She figured that she'd better inform the section leaders, so she went back to the band room.
When she got back, she grabbed all the section leaders she could find and dragged them all into the flag closet. Basically, it was DeeDee, Shelly, Dennis (aka the sax nazi), Becki, Mel, Sherri, Joey, Crystal, Rachel, Mandy, and Shadow, plus Minh-Bao, all squeezed into a little closet with a lot of colorguard flags.
"Why are we in the flag closet?" Shadow asked.
"Because someone kidnapped Erica, Melissa, and the freshmen," Minh-Bao told everyone.
The section leaders gave a collective gasp.
"But why?" asked Shelly. "Why wouldn't they kidnap the section leaders, too?"
"You want to be kidnapped?" That was Dennis.
"Well, no, but it makes more sense to take the section leaders."
An argument broke out amongst the section leaders over why they weren't picked.
"Quiet, everybody!" Minh-Bao shouted. "So, what are we going to do about this?"
"We'll have to rescue them," Mel pointed out. "One-fourth of our band is freshmen. We can't compete with that many holes."
The rest of the people agreed with Mel.
"Okay, who should rescue them?"
"It shouldn't be a section leader," said Mandy, "in case something happens to them. What we need is a sophomore."
"Megan!" exclaimed several of the section leaders simultaneously, naming the sophomore they most wanted to get rid of. (Actually, Megan was second, but the first person on their list couldn't be as easily replaced as the flutist.)
"Why me?" Megan asked when they informed her of her task.
"Because you're 'special'," Dennis said.
"Gee, thanks," she said sarcastically. "Okay, I'll do it, but I'll probably miss band tonight."
"No problem," Minh-Bao told her. "You'd better get busy, though."
"Cool beans." Megan, glad for any excuse to get out of band, headed off to her Secret Lair.
Grabbing a large fluorescent orange forged hall pass (oh, like it's hard to forge one of those suckers), she went off to the freshman wing. She stopped in front of locker 42, one of the many lockers not in use for various reasons or another, and put in the combination, 24-42-24. Instead of opening into a regular locker, the special combination led to a secret passageway. Megan walked in, closed the door behind her, and entered her Secret Lair.
The Secret Lair, although it *was* secret, wasn't really anything more that a closet. In fact, the Secret Passageway that led to the Secret Lair went all the way back to the band room. This meant that the Secret Lair was right behind Mr. Mullins's office, a fact Megan found useful for eavesdropping on top-secret Band Director Stuff. It held a computer that was permanently connected to FanFiction.Net (or, when FF.N was down, to FictionAlley.Org), a cool chair, and various other stuff, including a colorguard flag and a dented sousaphone bell that she used as a basketball hoop for various crumpled papers.
Megan sat down and started reading Draco Sinister for the thousandth time till she remembered that she had a job to do. "Drat," she muttered. "I was just getting to the part where Draco wears leather, too. Okay, so who would want to kidnap two drum majors and all the freshmen?"
She thought for a second. "Hmm...possibly a rival band, but we don't have any rival bands. Columbia only competes in parade marching, Red Bud doesn't compete at all, and Gibault doesn't even have a marching band. So who could it be?" She decided to go do some investigating and hunt for evidence and/or witnesses.
As Megan left her Secret Lair through yet another Secret Entrance, she decided to go to algebra and Spanish. She figured that this might be wise, as she had skipped all her morning classes.
"Hey," she said to all the band members around her as she slid into her desk just before the tardy bell. "Did any of you see the missing freshmen or drum majors today?"
"No, why?" asked Betsy.
Megan shrugged. "I was just wondering. Anybody else?"
Kim, Derek, and Matt shook their heads. Back in the back of the room, though, the guys were all trying not to look at Alex, who, as usual, was completely ignoring everything.
Somehow, she thought, I get this feeling that the drum line members back there know something I don't. That's not a good thing.
The drum line hadn't been speaking to Megan ever since she accidentally started bashing them in chemistry one day, completely forgetting that there were drummers present. This hadn't bothered her in the least before, because the drummers tended to freak her out, but now she regretted it.
Okay, so she could've gone straight to the source (aka Alex), but she didn't exactly trust anybody who acted and looked like they could've been Draco Malfoy's long-lost twin. Plus, she wasn't really on speaking terms with most of the tuba section, for no particular reason.
This obviously left Megan in a bit of a pickle, but her last name was German for pickle, so it was all cool. Except for the fact that they had a competition in three days and a football game in two, and two drum majors were missing. That wasn't cool.
Well, she thought resignedly, I guess I'll just have to try talking to Alex. Maybe I'll be even unluckier than I already am and accidentally call him Draco. That might make things interesting.
"Hey, Alex?" Megan said, trying not to let her dislike for the blonde tuba player show.
"Yeah?"
"I was wondering, did you see Erica, Melissa, or the freshmen today?"
He thought for a moment. "No, I don't think so."
"Are you sure?" She could tell that he was hiding something.
"Yeah."
"Okay, thanks."
"He's lying," Kim whispered.
"I guessed. But why?"
"Maybe he knows where everybody is," Betsy suggested.
"Or maybe he's the one who kidnapped everybody," said Derek.
"Yeah, Starkey, I'm sure that's it," Megan drawled sarcastically as the bell rang. "He kidnapped all the freshmen and two drum majors for absolutely no reason. Sure, whatever." She rolled her eyes.
"Hey, you never know. He could've been bribed by one of the rival bands."
"Starkey, we don't have any rival bands, remember?"
"How do you know?"
Megan barely restrained herself from beating him with her really big algebra book.
Instead of going to Spanish, like a buena chica, she headed back to her Secret Lair to contemplate the situation.
Investigation-Day One, she wrote in a notebook.
Dead ends everywhere. The freshmen, Melissa, and Erica have vanished without a trace. Nobody's seen them, nobody has any idea where they could be or who kidnapped them. Well, almost nobody-I think Alex knows, but he ain't tellin'. Stupid tubas.
Megan paused for a moment to think, then started writing again.
Something about all of this seems vaguely familiar, like a sense of déjà vu. I can't help but notice, though, that there's almost a pattern. Except for Erica, everyone who got kidnapped is all in their first year of doing whatever. The freshmen are completely new at this, and this is Melissa's first year of drum majoring. Erica's in her second year, though, so it doesn't make sense. Unless, of course, Erica isn't in the pattern, for some odd reason or another.
She put her pen down, idly playing darts with some used reeds and a picture of the drum line and tubas. Megan did this till the bell rang, then went to the always-fun All-District chorus practice.
"Hi, everybody!" she exclaimed cheerfully.
"Why are you so cheerful?" Jason asked.
Megan shrugged. "I don't know."
"Did you figure it out yet?" asked Dennis the sax nazi.
"I have some ideas, but I think someone knows where they are. He won't say anything, though."
"Who is it?" Shadow wanted to know.
"One of your section members, actually."
"Which instrument?"
"Tuba."
"Alex knows?"
"It certainly sounded like he was lying to me during algebra."
"Weird."
"How'd you know it was Alex?" That was Elizabeth, a senior baritone player and president of the chorus.
"There's only three tubas. Luke's a freshman and Scott never knows anything."
"What will you do now?"
"I might try following him," Megan decided.
"You just want to stalk him again," Dennis accused her.
"Uh, no, I just want to find the missing people so we don't fail miserably at the competition Saturday."
"Maybe," Elizabeth said slowly, "Jamie kidnapped them."
"Because he's sick and perverted? Or because he's getting revenge on us for firing him?"
"I don't know; I hadn't figured that part out yet."
"May I have your attention please," a voice suddenly said over the intercom. "Band practice tonight has been canceled. Thank you."
All the band members in the room (Elizabeth, Rosie, Megan, Shadow, Smurf, Matt, and Dennis) cheered.
"Did you hear that announcement?" someone asked, opening the door a crack to stick their head in.
"Oh, hey, Breanna," Megan greeted her. "Yeah, band's canceled."
"Okay, thanks."
"Anyway," she continued, "I'm going to go bug Alex's locker." As Megan walked out of the room, she heard a loud scream from the general direction of the band room. She quickly ran in there, only to find books scattered everywhere.
"Oh, no," she groaned, looking to see who the books belonged to. "Not another one."
"Another what?" asked Kim, who was apparently walking by the band room as well.
"Drum major missing," Megan replied. "These are Minh-Bao's books."
"Are they?" Kim had an odd look on her face. "Well, I've gotta go. See you later." She quietly snuck off.
"Yeah, bye." Megan sat down for a second to think about everything.
"What happened here?"
Megan looked up, only to see Mr. Mullins, their band director, come into the room. "Oh, hey, Mr. M. How's it going?"
"As well as it can be, considering that I have who knows how many holes and one drum major."
"I'd revise the number of drum majors, if I were you," she advised him.
"Why?" the band director asked suspiciously.
"Well, umm...you kinda don't have any."
"What happened to Minh-Bao?"
"Same thing that happened to Melissa and Erica, I guess. That's what it looks like to me. Not, of course, that I'm an expert or anything." She walked out of the band room, bugs in hand, and went to Alex's locker.
As she had guessed, the lock was set (he seemed like the type of person who would do that). Megan stuck the tiny microphones all over everything, and, just for the heck of it, stole his tuba beret. This, she put on her head, figuring it gave her a cool secret agent-type look. (Actually, she didn't care how she looked; she just thought it was a nifty hat.) Then, she went back to the Secret Lair and set up the recording equipment.
Since Minh-Bao was missing, now it was even more important to find out who was behind this and where the missing people were. They might've been able to somehow manage with one drum major, but all three were now gone.
Oh, look, a pair of boots, Megan thought, seeing some drum major's boots in one corner of the Lair. That's odd. Oh, well. She put them on. Surprisingly enough, they fit her perfectly. Cool. Now I've just got a little ensemble going on, don't I. Oh, right, I'm supposed to be looking for the freshmen and the drum majors.
Sighing annoyedly, Megan left the Secret Lair and went down to the gym, where cast members were working on building the set for the play.
"Hi, everybody!" she greeted everybody. Only a few people looked up and muttered something like, "Hi, Megan." Or maybe it was "Oh, no, not her again." She wasn't sure.
"Whose hat did you steal?" Christina asked.
"What? Oh, that hat. It's cool, isn't it?"
"Sure, Megan. Whatever you say. It doesn't go with the boots, though."
Megan shrugged. "Hey, I like it." She suddenly remembered why she had come down there. "Do you want to help me find the freshmen and Erica and Melissa?"
"Of course. Can Kristy come, too?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Your hat's retarded," Kristy told her.
"Thanks. It takes after its original owner."
"Oh my God. You're obsessed," said Christina, realizing whose hat it really was.
"No," Megan said defensively, "I was just bugging his locker and decided to steal his hat, 'cause I like tuba hats. They're much cooler than our shakos."
"And why were you bugging it in the first place, if you're not obsessed?"
"Because he knows something about the freshmen and drum majors. Oh, by the way, Minh-Bao's gone now."
"Really?"
"Yeah; I don't think it's the same person, though. There wasn't a note. Besides, they said that they wouldn't kidnap anyone else."
"What, you're going to believe a kidnapper?"
"Sure. Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping in Waterloo?"
"Yeah, his mom woke him up. Please, that's so old."
"How many times does a tuba laugh at a joke?"
"I don't know."
"Three-once when you tell it, once when you explain it to him, and once when he finally gets it."
"Very funny."
"It's true, though."
"Can we leave now?" That was Kristy.
"That might be a good idea."
As the three sophomores walked out of the gym, Kim ran up to them.
"Can I come too?" she asked.
"Yeah. Hey, where should we go first?" Megan wondered.
"Uh, I thought you knew," said Christina.
"No, that's why we're just going to start looking."
"Cool."
They started with the south end of the school and the gym. Megan would've liked to have searched the boys' locker room, where the soccer team was changing for their game, but the others wouldn't let her.
The chemistry and Home Ec. (sorry, Consumer Sciences) rooms were empty, as were the guidance office, the weight room, and the entire senior wing. The band room, which had been Christina's guess, also appeared to be deserted.
They had, in fact, searched almost the entire school when Megan remembered something. "The bomb shelter!" she exclaimed.
"We have a bomb shelter?" Christina asked.
"Yeah, it was dug back during the Cold War, when they were afraid that the evil Soviet Communists would drop a nuclear bomb on Waterloo."
"Where is it?" Kim wondered.
Megan thought for a second. "I think it's down by the library."
So, the foursome walked down to the library.
"There's no entrance," Kristy said.
"Sure there is," Megan said confidently.
"No, there isn't," Christina told her.
She lifted up part of the hideous orange rug in front of the library doors, revealing a trapdoor. "You were saying?"
Christina stuck her tongue out at her. "Since you're so smart, how do you open it?"
"Try using the handle." Megan grabbed the handle and pulled. It creaked open, revealing a dark and dusty staircase filled with spiderwebs.
"Ewwwww," Christina and Kristy chorused.
"Okay, fine, I'll go first." Megan walked down the stairs, followed by Kim, then Christina and Kristy.
At the bottom of the stairs was a large concrete bunker-type room, which held the freshmen and two of the missing drum majors.
"You came to rescue us!" Melissa exclaimed. "Yay! I'm so happy!"
"We did?" Megan asked sarcastically.
Melissa rolled her eyes. "No, I just enjoy being tied up in a bomb shelter."
"Oh, okay. Have fun." Megan turned around, acting like she was going to leave.
"But would you mind untying me before you go?"
"Why? I thought you said you liked it. Something about the tight ropes and lack of circulation being a turn-on, wasn't it?"
Kim went over and untied Melissa, mostly to stop the banter from getting R-rated.
"Thanks," she told Kim.
"So, who kidnapped you?" Megan asked.
"I bet it was Alex," Kim interrupted.
"No, it was Minh-Bao," Kristy insisted.
"No, Megan did it," Christina argued.
"I did not!" Megan exclaimed indignantly.
"I did it," said someone in the back of the room. She walked over to where they were all standing. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"Erica!" Kim gasped. "It was you?"
"I knew it all along," Megan lied. "Her motives were obvious."
"No, you didn't," Christina whispered loudly.
"Yeah, I did. She kidnapped Melissa and Minh-Bao and the freshmen because...umm..." Megan scrambled frantically for a semi-plausible reason. "She wants to take over the world!"
"No," Erica said quite calmly. "I just wanted lots of power. Power! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!"
"But you're the head drum major," Kristy pointed out. "And a senior."
"Oops. I guess I hadn't thought about that." Erica looked somewhat sheepish. "So what's this about Minh-Bao missing? I didn't kidnap her."
"Aha!" Megan exclaimed. "I told you it was someone else. Let's see...the tubas and drumline did it! Wait...no, that might actually involve thinking..."
"The tubas and drumline helped me," Erica offered helpfully. "So they didn't do it, either."
The aforementioned sections, minus the freshmen, were quietly standing in the corner, apparently amusing themselves with a pair of orange and black-striped drumsticks, a tuba beret, and several helium-filled balloons. (Don't ask.) Noticeably absent were the two girls in the battery, simply because they had better things to do.
"Hey," said Megan, having an Idea. "Since we found you, will you let Melissa and the freshmen go?"
Erica shrugged. "Sure, whatever. I guess I don't really need them anymore, because I apparently have power, regardless."
"Yay!" exclaimed the two flute-playing Katies simultaneously. The rest of the freshmen made similar comments.
Everybody (again, excluding the drumline and tubas) glared at the freshmen, who had apparently decided to start talking again.
"Well," said Christina, "I think we should all go look for Minh-Bao."
"Good idea," Megan agreed. "I wonder if they know anything?" She indicated the helium-inhaling band members.
"I'll ask," Erica decided. "I'm good at communicating with lower life-forms."
"Because you are one," Megan muttered under her breath. Luckily, nobody appeared to have noticed this little comment.
"All right," Erica said, speaking slowly and clearly. "Do any of you know what happened to Minh-Bao?"
The drumline and tubas conferred amongst themselves for a moment.
"Nobody's seen her," Alex finally said in an extremely squeaky, high-pitched voice as everybody tried to keep from laughing. "We'll help look, though."
"No, that's okay," Erica said in between snickers. "We need you to...err..."
"Follow the Yellow Brick Road," Megan whispered loudly.
"Stay here and guard the freshmen," she said, ignoring Megan.
Meanwhile, Alex had finally noticed that Megan was still wearing his beret. "Hey! I want my hat back!" he squeaked indignantly, sending the three sophomore girls into a fit of giggles.
"What hat?" Megan said innocently. "I don't own a Munchkin hat."
"My sexy tuba hat! You know, the one you're wearing right now?" (Unfortunately, the helium still hadn't worn off, so Alex was still speaking in a soprano voice.)
"This hat?" Megan had almost forgotten about the beret she wore, but she wasn't about to give it back. "I don't have any idea what you're talking about," she lied. "I found it in the band room. It doesn't have a name on it, so as far as I'm concerned, it's mine." She grinned evilly as everybody else just stood there.
"What about Minh-Bao?" Melissa asked finally.
"Oh, right. Hey, where'd Kim go?" Megan wondered.
The trombonist had apparently wandered off sometime during Megan and Alex's hat argument.
"I'm sure we'll find her eventually," Melissa said.
"It's just Kim," said Kristy. "She'll be fine, unless she's attacked by insane tubas."
"Okay, whatever. Let's get going, then."
"Can I come, too?" asked Sami, a freshman pit member.
Megan shrugged. "Why not? After all, we need someone to take Kim's place. You'll do."
That having been settled, Megan, Melissa, Christina, Kristy, and Sami left the bomb shelter and started wandering through the halls again.
"Where could she be?" Christina wondered. "I thought we searched, like, the whole school earlier."
"Who, Kim?" Sami asked.
"No, Minh-Bao," Megan informed her. "She was kidnapped, too, but not by Erica."
"Oh. Did you try the band room?"
"Yeah, we peeked in there."
"But did you check all the weird places, like Mullins's office and the tuba cases?"
"Actually, no."
"Let's go check it out," Melissa suggested.
"Tuba cases?" Christina asked as they were walking.
Sami shrugged. "Hey, you never know."
"That's probably where they keep their helium supply," Megan joked.
"It's locked," said Kristy as they stopped in front of the dark band room.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," muttered Megan, borrowing a Breanna expression.
"I have a key," Melissa said, taking out her key and unlocking the door.
"The perks of being a drum major," Sami sighed.
"It still looks deserted," Christina pointed out.
Megan shrugged. "Oh, well, let's check anyway." She opened the tuba cases. "Nope, not in here."
They searched the band room from top to bottom, but didn't find Minh-Bao anywhere.
"The only place we haven't checked is that flag closet," said Melissa.
"I'll open it," Christina volunteered.
She opened the door, and inside the flag closet were a bunch of flags, several Pixy Stix tubes, some field markers, a deck of Uno cards, Kim, Breanna, and a tied-up Minh-Bao.
"Uno!" Kim exclaimed, oblivious to what was going on.
"Hey, Kim," said Breanna, "we have visitors."
"Oh, hi," Kim said innocently. "Do you want to play Uno?"
"No, thanks," Megan said politely. "I'd appreciate it if you'd untie Minh-Bao, though."
"Why?"
"Because I said so," Melissa interrupted.
Kim stuck her tongue out at Melissa as Megan tried to think of a reason.
"Because I know your deepest, darkest secret," Megan lied.
"Do you?"
"Oh, yeah. It's quite obvious, really. You're-"
Kim ran over and untied Minh-Bao.
Hmm, Megan thought, storing this plan for future use. I can't help but wonder if I was right. I won't ask, though.
"So," she said aloud. "Why'd you kidnap Minh-Bao?"
"I felt like it," said Kim. "Plus I wanted to get back at her for tormenting me."
"I do not torment you!" Minh-Bao exclaimed indignantly. "Oh, wait, I do. Sorry."
"I went along with it because Kim asked me to help her," Breanna told them. "And because I didn't have anything to do once they canceled band practice."
"So," Kristy said. "Who wants to go find some Pixy Stix?"
"Ooohh...sugar..." Megan needed a sugar boost after her day of detective work. "Hey! Let's all go to my Secret Lair! I think I have some in there. If not, we can order pizza."
"You have a Secret Lair?" Christina asked. "Cool. I want one!"
"Me, too," added Kim.
"If Erica's evil, why doesn't she have a Secret Lair?" Breanna wondered.
Megan shrugged. "I don't know. Here, follow me."
They all went off to her Secret Lair, barely fitting in the small closet.
"Aha! I knew I had Pixy Stix!" Megan exclaimed, digging a bag out of the sousaphone bell.
Meanwhile, Melissa used her cell phone to order pizza. "Do you deliver pizza to Secret Lairs?" she asked. "Yes? Okay, cool. Yeah. Uh-huh."
The doorbell, which nobody had known about till that moment, rang.
"That was fast. Okay. Bye."
Since Kim had kidnapped Minh-Bao, it was only fair to make her pay for the three pizzas. At least, that was everybody's opinion.
"Pizza and Pixy Stix," said Sami. "That's quite a combination."
"You have a problem with it, freshman?"
"No, I was just saying that it was...umm...interesting."
"Good answer."
"Do you think we'll win on Saturday?" Megan asked Melissa.
"You never know," she replied. "There's a pretty good chance. Especially since we have all three drum majors again."
"What was up with Erica, anyway?" Christina wondered.
"Who knows. She can get weird sometimes."
"Life can get weird sometimes," Megan pointed out.
"Megan, you can get weird sometimes," Kristy said.
Everybody agreed.
"Gee, thanks," she said sarcastically. "That's the last time I invite you guys to my Secret Lair."
"Fine. Oh, and lose the hat."
"Okay." Megan took off the beret and traded it for her Bahamas hat.
"No, not that hat either."
"Why not?"
"Because you look stoned."
"Or like you've been sniffing helium," added Christina. "Just like the tubas."
"I want my sexy tuba hat!" Megan exclaimed in a squeaky voice, imitating Alex.
"What?" Breanna had, unfortunately, missed that part.
"Oh, nothing."
The party continued for a few more hours. Megan stayed afterwards to clean up, then left through the flag closet entrance of her Secret Lair. They did, after all, have practice bright and early the next day, as always.
"Drat," she muttered under her breath, realizing this. "I knew I should've let Erica keep them longer. But no, I had to rescue everybody. Now we have band tomorrow morning."
On her way out, she tripped over some unconscious tuba players, who had apparently collapsed due to a helium overdose.
The End (in case you were wondering)
***