Midwife Dilemma
I posted this on one of the forums that I joined a while back and am curious as to what opinions I would get from those who know me and read my blog. Please leave a comment if you have anything to contribute.
We have quite a midwife dilemma over here and I really need some help with it. Any and all opinions are gratefully appreciated and I'm happy to clarify anything that my Swiss-chese-brain makes a mess of the first time through.
I always knew I wanted my next birth to be at home with a midwife, so DH and I started looking for someone even before we started TTC. Shortly after we saw the double lines, I was able to contact an English-speaking midwife from Germany who lives here in Istanbul, although close to 1 1/2 hours away, give or take depending on traffic. So far, she is the only English-speaking midwife we've been able to find here--we'll call her Midwife A. After meeting with her and her doula partner, we thought that everything was going great and that we had found the perfect team. A week before starting childbirth classes (publicly offered classes by the midwife/doula team), Midwife A tells us that she has come under scrutiny for a homebirth that she didn't actually attend (got there too late, but did put in a stitch or two) and now is afraid to attend homebirths at all. She is not a Turkish citizen, which makes it illegal for her to attend births here, so she does have a realistic fear of prosecution, jail time, and possible deportation. Having worked with many illegal midwives for years, I understand her fears and wouldn't want to put her life and livelihood in jeopardy. She recommended that I contact another midwife from the US who would be willing to come to Turkiye and help us out.
So that's what I did, I checked out Midwife B's website, liked what I saw, emailed her, talked to her on the phone while we were in the US, sent her my "records" (been doing my own prenatal care as the doctors aren't worth a wooden nickel over here), and have been making plans to have her come and stay with us until baby is earthside. Since I have started corresponding with Midwife B, she has sold her house and is planning to move out of the US, which doesn't really change much of the situation, but does increase our out-of-pocket expenses for her travel costs to and from Turkiye.
So we get home Saturday from a quickie trip to the US and I find a voice mail on my phone and an email in my inbox from Midwife A, who after attending the big Midwifery Today conference in Germany, is pumped back up and full of moral support for homebirth, even when it's illegal. She feels terrible for telling me a few months ago that she couldn't help us, and I knew at the time that she felt terrible. She obviously loves what she does and is quite good at it. Now she says that she has worked through her personal fears about being "out on a limb" without a safety net and is willing and able to help us with the homebirth situation, should we want to do that. She knows that we have been in touch with Midwife B and have been making tentative plans with her.
DH and I have talked about it and we are in a total quandry as to what to do. Although I feel that I could realistically do this on my own (complete UC) and had actually planned it that way until getting in touch with Midwife B, I think that it's important to have someone there for DH and DD (13 yo). DD has actually seen more natural births than DH has, just for the reason that she has been with me at all times involved with midwives and the homebirth communities as she was growing up. I tried talking to DH and explaining to him what his role as a "doula" would be, but I think I confused him more than anything. He has never been with a laboring woman and doesn't understand "Laborland" and how to behave when the woman is there. I can see him being very distracting to me, although not intentionally, and there's really no way to train him for this role with what I need ahead of time.
So now we have come full circle and then some--from not being able to find a midwife, to finding one, to losing her, to finding another, and now having to choose between two. No wonder I'm so confused.
Pros and Cons, Midwife A
* trust issues, if she quit us once, she may quit us again (big trust issue for me)
* she's local
* no travel expenses, no one staying in my home
* not as experienced as Midwife B
* familiar with the Turkish healthcare system and has a sort-of back up doc who is homebirth-friendly
* very much a "hands-off" type of midwife (that's a pro for me)
Pros and Cons, Midwife B
* travel expenses are major part of "fee"
* not local, may not get here before babe arrives or may have to extend trip if babe is "overdue"
* lots of experience, including waterbirth, twins, and breeches
* not as familiar with Turkish healthcare system, no back up doc, will have to chance it with ER in case of complications
* more hands-on than Midwife A
* would stay in our home and I would feel like I have to entertain
Complete UC
* I'm fine with it, for the most part, but DH is unexperienced in human labor and delivery (his experience is with dogs, cats, and horses), and I would really welcome some female support
* no expenses for midwife
* will have to chance the ER if complications or if stitches needed
* DH may lose patience with me (rub here, not there, higher lower, you know how it is)
* no one to explain things to DD if she gets scared (although she has so much faith in natural birth and in me that it's awe inspiring!)
Help me, folks. What do I do? I'm so torn on the whole thing and going in three different directions in equal amounts. I'm 25 weeks now, so I have some time, albeit not a whole lot, and will need to give both midwives a decision within the next couple of weeks. I've searched my head and my heart, and they've both come up empty for an answer. I had thought that by writing this all out I would most likely see which way I am truly leaning, but that hasn't happened.
