Tuesday Turmoil Results for January 16, 2001
from the Portland Civic Arena in Portland, ME
The show opens to show a bright orange pick up truck with a utility cap pulling up to behind the Portland Civic Arena, in Portland Maine. The camera pans in to the door of the truck which is reveals the crest of the city of Portland while reflective white letters on the side of the truck reveal the words "Animal Control"
The two men wearing flannel shirts and bright orange hunting caps get out of the truck and begin routing around the back.
Man #1: OK, Tom, where are they?
Man #2: Hold your horses, I am sure they will be here.
Tom: You had better hope so, because I could be home clicking back and forth between "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and The Nature Channel. Hey Dave, how much did he say they were gonna pay us?
Dave: 50 bucks a piece. (pointing) Oh, look! Here they come!
Dave points off in the distance, where four headlights are approaching their position. At first it appears that the headlights belong to two different vehicles, but then two of the headlights split apart from one another, revealing three vehicles.
One is immediately recognizable as Trashcan Man's trash hauler. After a moment, Miyagawa comes into view on one of the other vehicles, which appears to be little more than a recycled moped. Finally, PCW Television Champion Bang Davenport pulls up on his trusty tractor, making the gathering of Asylum members complete.
The two animal control workers approach Bang Davenport. Trashcan Man exits the trash truck and lights up a smoke. Miyagawa seems to be unstrapping a pizza carrier "hot bag" from the back of his moped.
Dave: Ok, we are here like you asked.
Bang: Well golllly, you sure is! And here are your brand new 50 dolla bills.
Bang rips the bills in half and hands each man a half of a 50. The two workers look confused and dismayed by this turn of events.
Bang: You can have the other half of each bill once the deeds are done. Don't worry, I doubt they can be too much of a bother for a coupla trained pro-fessionals like yourselves!
Bang, Trashcan Man and Miyagawa share a laugh then make their way into the back of the arena.
Tom looks at Dave, while Dave springs into action. Dave pulls a catpoll out of the back of the truck and hands it to Tom who is still staring down at his half of a 50 when the screen fades to black.
The normal burning and ruined city opening promo for Turmoil begins. No, wait, that is actual CNN footage of the Volcano in East Java.
The screen goes black again, then the normal burning and ruined city opening promo for Turmoil begins. Wrestlers/Personalities highlighted are The Blood Brothers, PCW newcomer The Chat King, Reporter Tiffany Jacobs, Trashcan Man, Lackostress and PCW World Champion The Reverend Jon Hull.
The scene shifts to the inside of the Portland Civic Arena in Portland, Maine as pyros shoot off from the ring posts and entryway. The predominantly flannel wearing crowd is in a frenzy as the camera whips around the arena focusing in on several members of the crowd. First is a man wearing an Bad Battio T-shirt, who is being beaten up by several fans in the crowd. A fan wearing an Allen Richards T-shirt comes over to help him, but is also the recipient of the crowd's rage. Then the camera focuses in on possibly the only good looking woman in all of Maine. Unfortunately, that image is shattered when she smiles to reveal a missing front tooth. Finally, the camera stops on former PCW wrestler Jason Chase who is holding up a sign which reads "Will suck (digitized) for money."
Dave Kern: Hello everyone and welcome to Primetime Championship Wrestling's Tuesday Turmoil. I am Dave Kern and along
Steven Smith: (interrupting; anxiously) Dave! Jeff!! Lend me $20!
Jeff: Jesus, Steven, Dave didn't even finish the opening and you are already cramming your pro-homo-promos down our throats.
Steven: Actually, I want to cram my (bleep) down Jason Chase's throat
Dave: (interrupting) Steven, I say this as a friend. Get help. I mean, being a flaming faggot with little or no use to the rest of the world is one thing, but you have crossed the line
Suddenly the arena goes dark and a really, really low budget laser show begins. The theme from the old Dr. Who television series begins blaring over the PA system in mono.
Dave: That is the President of Primetime Championship Wrestling's Professor Herbert D. Dorkiman's music! He's be held captive by Jon Kano for more than a month and hasn't been heard from.
Jeff: Damn it! Can't Kano do anything right? I thought Kano had him tied up and we would never see his pale, scrawny, bucktoothed ass again!
Steven: Wait, that's NOT PHD!
The camera focuses in on entryway, where a pale, scrawny, woman with buckteeth, long, greasy blonde hair and a bad complexion emerges from the tunnel with her hands held high. A spot lot illuminates the entryway to reveal it is Noreen Gorfinberger, PHD's longtime "girlfriend."
Noreen is wearing a 11 sizes two large for her referee's shirt and a pair of white, cotton sweat pants. Her arms are rised high to as she proudly displays the Vulcan "Live Long and Prosper Sign" the patented symbol of Professor Herbert D. Dorkiman.
Once again the camera scans the crowd and spots someone holding a sign which reads "Free PHD, Fry Mumia" sign.
Noreen makes her way to the ring and slides under the bottom rope. She attempts to climb one of the turnbuckles to allow the crowd to get a better view of her, which causes most of the men in the crowd to recoil in fear and disgust, but fortunately for those with sight, she slips off of the first row and falls on her rump in the middle of the ring, much to the delight of the non-Star Trek watching, non-D&D playing world.
Noreen picks her self up and pulls herself, dusts herself off then signals for the production crew to cut the music. Noreen then calls for someone to toss her a microphone from ringside. Ring announcer Clay Clayborne tosses her a microphone, which she fails to catch. A large thump is heard and the squeal of microphone feedback radiates throughout the arena much the the "delight" of the crowd.
Jeff: Ya know, if we wanted to kill the ratings at the beginning of this show we could have ran with a Bad Battio vs Allen Richards matchup.
Dave: (whispering) Uh I believe Fusion's card begins with a clash between those two.
Jeff: Phantom BookerBooking genius my ass
Dave: Shhhh! She's about to speak.
Noreen: Hellooooo Portland Maine!
The crowd shows little or no reaction.
Noreen: I'm Noreen Gorfinberger and I am the special referee in tonight's match between the Ultimate Warlmonger and Jon Kano-oat multply 16.41 and 137.89 without a calculator. I just want to say, that Jon Kano, I know you are holding my fuzzy-love wooky of love Professor Herbert D. Dorkiman captive, but despite that fact, I will call tonight's match right down the middle.
The crowd still shows no reaction. The camera scans to crowd to show several people getting up to head to the bathrooms or concession areas.
Now, Mr. Kano, depsite the fact that your sloping forehead denotes stupidity and a weak gene pull, it doesn't mean you are an unreasonable man. I mean, even Dr. Jane Goodall was able to reason with gorillas, and your cranial capacity must at least 68% of that of a Silverback, so I think we can strike up some kind of a deal.
So I propose this: Clay Clayborne, of you would.
Ring announcer Clay Clayborne comes to the holding some poster boards. He hands them through the ropes to Noreen.
Noreen: Now, I have taken the time to generate pictures detailing my proposal Mr. Kano, since I am not sure you have accumulated enough of a working vocabulary to understand this deal if it is presented verbally.
Noreen holds up the first sign which shows her beloved PHD's buck toothed, horn-rimmed glasses wearing head
Before she can continue "Come and get me" by Jay-Z hits the PA system out of the back storms Jon Kano.
Jeff: I never thought I'd say this, but thank God Jon Kano is here.
Kano begins to storm down the ramp then stops himself. He drops points up at Noreen, then pulls a microphone.
Kano: Noreen, Noreen, every geek's dream, do everyone a favor out here and shut that nasty ass, crater face up!
The crowd popsyes for Kano. Really.
Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been joined at our announce position by Argyle. Argyle, thanks for dropping by for this unexpected visit.
Argyle: Anytime Dave. Kano Rocks!
There is a thud of headphones being thrown down.
The camera shifts to the announce table, where Argyle is shown stepping over the guard rail into the crowd.
Dave: Argyle? Where are you going?
Argyle pauses, then picks up the headphones, putting the microphone portion to close to his mouth.
Argyle: I just felt like showing up so I could say "Kano Rocks!"
Argyle throws down the headphones once again and steps over the guard rail into the crowd.
Meanwhile, the crowd is dying down from Kano's stinging verbal assault on Noreen.
Kano: I mean, you are so ugly that your mother
The crowd suddenly pops.
Noreen: If I were you, Kano, I would look behind you.
Kano: (sarcastically) I am SURE I am falling for that old
Kano's words are cut short by a clubbing salami blow to the back of the head via the massive, openly homosexual Ultimate Warlord. UW then kicks Kano towards the ring.
The lights go out momentarily, then the weapons-filled cage is illuminated by floodlights as it is lowered onto the ring. The rest of the arena remains in complete darkness.
Jeff and Dave in unison: Steven, get your hand off my knee!
Steven: (sighing) You guys are no fun.
As the cage lowers further, Noreen, clad in a loose-fitting referee shirt, shields her light sensitive eyes from the spotlights illuminating in the ring. The harsh spotlights illuminate and accentuate her acne ridden face.
Jeff: I don't care what hole Kano has PHD buried in, he's in Club Med compared to coming home to that!
Meanwhile, the Ultimate Warlord pauses and begins licking the sides of the giant salami. Then, after a few sexually tense moments, bites the tip off the top of the salami.
Dave: Ouch!!!
Jeff: (bursting out) Jesus Christ! No wonder we are having shows in Portland, Maine instead of Chicago.
Steven: Ooooh that is sooooo hot!
Kano uses this opportunity to regain his composure and head into the ring. He is beckoning The Ultimate Warlord to follow.
Dave: Kano is looking pretty calm and collected in there.
Jeff: I don't think he's looked up yet at some of the weapons strapped on to the side of that cage.
Steven: You said strap on!
Jeff: No, Steven, I said "strapped on", but I'm sure you will find a few strap-ons attached to the wall of that cage to keep you happy when we are done.
Dave: I feel ill. Why wasn't this match a dark match? We don't have to call those.
The Ultimate Warlord comes to the ringside area but does not enter.
The cage finally hits the floor, and the lights come back on. Noreen stands timidly in the corner of the ring, and Kano stands in the middle, facing the door with his arms crossed and his left foot tapping. The Ultimate Warlord circles the cage, testing the wall.
Jeff: I think it would be in everyone's interests if Steven gave a description of the weapons hanging off the side of the cage.
Dave: Agreed. I don't want to start vomiting half way through if I try.
Steven: Well, it's a who's who of Adultshop.com products first, on the left, we have
Jeff: Stop right there, I don't want to know.
The Ultimate Warlord steps through the door, which is closed and locked behind him by Speedy Riggs.
Dave: So what are the rules of this match?
Jeff: We have Noreen inside to make the count in the event of a pinfall, and Riggs outside to open the door if one of them wants to get out.
Dave: If I were Kano, I'd be trying to get out the door as soon as possible!
Steven: We all have to come out sometime.
Jeff: That comment can be taken one of two ways and both of them are nasty.
The Ultimate Warlord grabs a riding crop from the side of the cage and circles Kano, whacking the riding crop on the palm of his hand. Kano looks around for a weapon, and spies a long cord with some round beads attached to it. UW lunges at Kano, but Kano rolls under him and grabs the cord.
Dave: If they are what I think they are, I hope they aren't used already.
Jeff: Oh please The only Benoit I want to see is Chris.
UW lunges again at Kano, but Kano uses his weight advantage to avoid the behemouth. Kano springs up behind UW and wraps the cord around his neck, sticks a knee into his back and pulls.
Jeff: Oh look, UW's face is getting to be as pink as his outfit!
Kano tightens the bead-laden cord further. UW's arms drop. Kano lets go of the cord, and UW falls to the mat with a thud. Kano puts his boot on UW's chest and orders Noreen to make the count....1....2UW gets an arm up. As Kano jawjacks Noreen for a slow count, UW sits up and unwraps the cord from his neck and puts it into his breast pocket.
Steven: He's saving them for later!
Dave: What is he saving them for?
Jeff: (interrupting) DON'T ANSWER THAT!
Kano looks around the cage, and wrings his hands in disgust at not being able to find any "regular" weapons. Suddenly, his eyes widen and a grin crosses his face as he spots a pipe, about 2 feet long, with handcuffs attached to each end. Kano grabs the implement, and as UW gets to his feet, Kano swings the pipe, catching him under the ear. UW goes down hard. Kano drags him by the feet towards the bottom rope, and drapes one leg over. Kano secures one set of handcuffs around each ankle, ensuring that UW is stuck to the bottom rope. Kano stomps UW a few times to wake him up, then punches the air to rev up the crowd. Kano pulls out a set of rubber gloves from his tights and puts them on, then proceeds to detach the weapons from the side of the cage, one by one, and throw them on top of the struggling UW. With all four of the cage walls swept clean of weapons, Kano turns his attention to Noreen, and beckons for her to come out of the corner and make the count. Kano kicks a few of the weapons off UW and stomps him a few times to put him out again, then puts a boot in the middle of his chest. Kano orders Noreen to drop and make the count, then faces towards the crowd with his arms raised high.. Noreen drops and counts..12.then gets to her feet and locks a Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Kano! Kano struggles briefly but is put down with the debilatating hold. Noreen drapes one of UW's arms over Kano, then counts 1.2.3!
Winner: The Ultimate Warlord 4:30
Dave: The Ultimate Warlord wins his first match in PCW against Kano!
Jeff: Typical Ultimate Warlord match all offence by his opponent.
Dave: Typical ending to a Kano match screwed over by management!
Steven: Noreen isn't management.
Kano gets up and is incensed. Noreen backs away and begs off as Kano approaches.
Kano grabs Noreen by the hair and looks out to the crowd for their approval. The crowd pops, giving Kano all the justification he needs.
Kano: (screaming) NO MERCY!!!
Suddenly "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers hits the PA system and out of the back sprints PHD's former Think Tank Stablemate and current PCW Continental Champion Alan Kriegman with the continental title belt around his waist.
Kriegman sprints towards the ring, as Referee Speedy Riggs opens the door. Kano drops Noreen and turns to face Kriegman as he slips through the door of the cage and beneath the ropes.
Kano charges Kriegman with a clothesline, but Kriegman ducks. The two men bounce off the ropes on opposite sides of the ring. Kriegman drops to his belly while Kano skips over him and heads to the ropes on the otherside.
Steven: Did you see that skip over? Kano and The members of the Ream Team have atleast one thing in common and if you ask me, Kano hides his homosexual tendancies behind a mask of aggression and disregard for authority.
Jeff: Thank you Dr. Ruth!
Kriegman gets to his feet as Kano bounces off the ropes. Kano charges in with a running lariat, but AK hooks his arm and nails him with an Irish Whip. AK holds Kano's arm in some kind of rarely used arm hold.
The crowd begins to boo as The Phantom Booker, wearing a pair of jeans, a PIC T-shirt and his face covered by a stocking, sprints down the aisle.
AK looks up at the TPB, but continues to keep Kano immobilized by tightening up on his arm lock submission hold. Noreen is hopping from foot to foot behind Kriegman egging him on.
The Phantom Booker enters the ring. AK looks up at him with a skeptical eye. The Phantom Booker pulls out a microphone.
TPB: Alan, Alan Relax. I hate Kano as much as you do! Afterall, PHD did give me my job as head booker, after all.
AK nods in agreement. Noreen claps and hops up and down until her glasses become lopsided. AK continues to lock the hold down on Kano and he stands up, straightening out Kano's arm. He uses his head to motion to the Phantom Booker to begin kicking away at Kano's exposed and extended arm.
Dave: Now, I am no Kano fan
Jeff: (interrupting) Who is?
Steven giggles.
Dave: (huffing) As I was saying, I am no Kano fan, but to the folks at home, this may seem a little much. But you have to remember, he is holding the president of PCW against his will in an undisclosed location.
The Phantom Booker looks at Kano's extended arm and sizes it up. He uses his hand to create a target on Kano's elbow, much the way Kevin Nash does when preparing to elbow smash his opponents in the corner.
The Phantom Booker takes a step back and moves towards Kano. He rears back his foot and then suddenly turns and kicks Alan Kriegman square in the gut.
Dave: What the hell!?!?
Kriegman doubles over and TPB hits him with that all too familiar DDT he has been leveling his enemies with over the past couple of months. The completely unsuspecting Kriegman's head smashes into the mat and the momentum of the perfectly executed DDT carries Kriegman to stand straight up on his head then flip completely over. Kriegman is out cold.
Noreen backs away. TPB helps Kano to his feet.
Dave: Wait a minute, what the hell is going here?
Kano charges Noreen. She thrusts her hand out looking to lock on the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, but Kano swats her arm aside and grabs a hold of her. Meanwhile, the Phantom Booker is stomping away on Kriegman.
Kano: (screaming) No mercy!!!
Jeff: He's got that right! This segment has ran way too long!
Kano then Kanoplexes (overhead Rock Bottoms) Noreen hard to the canvas leaving her laying. Both Noreen and Kriegman are out.
Kano and the Phantom Booker high five each other. The Phantom Booker reaches down and grabs the microphone.
TPB: Well, folks, it sure is good to be here in Portland, Maine and boy do I have a treat for you all tonight! In addition to tonight's scheduled matches, I am gonna add a real dandy for you. A title match, by the way.
Dave: Whoa!!! What title will be on the line!
TPB: That's right, a title match! Allow me to introduce the participants. Hailing from Pleasantville, the PCW Continental Champion, Alan Kriegman!
Kriegman is still down.
Dave: This is bullsh!t in the biggest possible way! Someone has to take some control here!
Jeff: The Phantom Booker IS IN CONTROL!!!
TPB: And the challenging, Jon Kano!!!! Bellman, ring the bell!
The bellman hesitates for a moment, shocked by what he is hearing.
TPB: Bellman, ring the bell, before I replace you with a trained chimp who I can pay in bananas.
The bellman rings the bell.
TPB drags the motionless Noreen, who is still wearing her referee's shirt to the middle of the ring. Kano puts his foot on top of Kriegman, while TPB grabs Noreen's arm and causes it slap the mat three times.
Winner and NEW CONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Jon Kano Time: :06
The crowd is infuriated. Kano grabs the Continental Title belt and holds it high over his head. The camera focuses in on Noreen's face, which has a trickle of blood dribbling out of her nose and down through the valleys of her face where no pimples are pushing their way up through the normal parameters of her skin.
Jeff: EWWWEEEEE!!!!!!
"Quiet" from Smashing Pumpkins hits the PA system as The Phantom Booker and Kano leave the ring together.
Dave: What does this all mean? The Phantom Booker and Kano are in cahoots?!? What about Hardknocks Chris Allen's Continental title shot tonight. We have to go to commercial, hopefully we will be able to sort all of this out momentarily.
(Commercial: PCW Shanghai-ed, Sunday, January 28th, Live on Pay Per View. Call your satelitte provider or cable company to order today!)
The show reopens showing a replay of The Phantom Booker DDTing an unsuspecting Alan Kriegman, then Kano covering Kriegman in an inpromptu title match, winning the Continental title.
Dave: Ok, we are back. We have received word that Jon Kano will defend his newly won PCW Continental Belt tonight against "Hard Knocks" Chris Allen tonight!
Jeff: No matter who wins, this title will have lost all credibility.
Dave: Hopefully we can get a word with Kano or The Phantom Booker later tonight to detail the extent of their relationship.
Steven: Maybe they have given in to their carnal desires and that is the basis of their relationship.
Dave: Jeff, smack him please.
There is a smacking noise.
Steven: (whimpering) What's the matter Dave, not man enough to do it yourself.
There is a smacking noise.
Steven: Ok, proved me wrong.
Dave: Let's head to the ring!
Jeff: Woohooo!! Scourge vs Bad Battio. (sniffing the air) Aaaahhh! Smell the ratings!
(Bad Battio is already in the ring. "Lifter" by The Deftones plays as Scourge comes out with his new lady friend.)
Clay: Making his way to the ring, being accompanied by Nicole, from London, England, at a weight of 269 pounds.......SCOURGE. His opponent.......BAD BATTIO
BB stomps all over Scourge as comes in the ring. BB pulls Scourge up, whips him into the ropes, and takes him down with a clothesline. BB stomps on him some more before starting to choke him. Referee Bob Charlie makes BB break the hold. BB stomps on Scourge some more before covering, 1......2....Scourge kicks out. BB lifts Scourge up and slams him to the mat. BB then pulls Scourge back up and whips him into the corner. He comes charging in at Scourge but Scourge gets his boot up. Scourge now kicks away at BB. Scourge lifts BB in the air and hits him with a vertical suplex. Scourge covers, 1.......2.....BB kicks out. Scourge pulls BB up, but as he does, BB pokes him in the eye and gets the advantage again. BB kicks away at Scourge some more before whipping him into the ropes and powerslamming him. BB makes a cover, 1......2....Scourge kicks out. BB punches at the head of Scourge before pulling him back up. He attempts whipping him into the ropes but Scourge reverses. As BB bounces off the ropes, Nicole grabs his foot from the outside. BB stops, turns around, and starts to talk smack to Nicole on the outside. Referee Bob Charlie comes over to stop the arguing between the two of them. While the ref's back, and BB's back, is turned, Scourge comes up from behind but Bad Battio senses the attack, and suddenly whirls around and nails Scourge with a superkick. Scourge goes down. BB makes the cover.1.23!!
WINNER: Bad Battio! Tim:3:22
Dave: Bad Battio has just won in his PCW debut!
Jeff: That will teach Scourge for not cutting a promo.
Dave: Hey Jeff, who the hell is Bob Charlie?
Jeff: I dunno, I suppose a new referee.
Nicole grabs a chair and slides into the ring. BB is standing over a downed Scourge talking smack and doesn't notice Nicole winding up with the chair. Nicole proceeds to smash BB in the melon with the chair.
Jeff: Nicole has more balls than her boyfriend Scourge!
Steven: Nah, I slipped into the shower after Decimation and saw Scourge and
Dave: (interrupting, angry) Ok, THAT is ENOUGH!!!
Scourge gets to his feet and lifts up BB and sets him up for the Whiplash. Bob Charlie tries to convince Scourge to let BB go, but to no avail. Scourge sets BB up and hits him with another Whiplash, this time onto the steel chair. Nicole and Scourge talk some trash to BB as "Lifter" starts to play and they leave the ring.
Dave: So Bad Battio won the match, but lost the war.
Steven: Well, he is booked against Allen Richards on Friday, and the loser gets relegated to the PIC.
Jeff: Any word on what happens if it is a double countout?
Dave: Oh, come on, how often does that happen?
Jeff: Well, when the rest of the roster hears that the loser goes to the PIC, I am sure they will be asking the same question, if you get my drift.
Dave: Ah, gotcha. OK, I am being told that there is a disturbance outside. Let's head to the parking lot.
The scene shifts to the parking lot, where the camera is focusing on a manhole cover. The manhole cover, suddenly rises from its normal resting position and slides to the side. After a few short seconds, out pops the head of Picasso, the so-called last ninja turtle. He looks to the left, then to the right, and begins to climb out of the tunnel.
Voice from off camera: (screaming) OK, NOW!!!
Suddenly a pole with a wire loop on the end is thrust into the picture. The loop is slammed down over the hapless Picasso's head then tightened. Picasso tries to let out a scream, but the tightening loop cuts his words short.
The camera pans out to show Animal Control Officers Bob and Tom manning the other end of the pole.
Steven: Look at the way those two are manning that pole.
Jeff sighs.
The two animal control officers yank Picasso out of the hole and begin dragging the kicking and struggling jobber off towards their Animal Control Truck.
Dave: Well, that was truly bizarre.
Jeff: Dude, they are gonna neuter Picasso down at the pound!
Dave: Well, we will try to get a camera crew over there to see what is happening with Picasso in the meantime we need to get ready for our
"Zero" by the Smashing Pumpkins begins to blare over the loud speaker.
Out of the main entrance a large tractor roars it's way down to the ring.
Dave: What the hell? Bang Davenport's tractor?
The tractor cruises past the the commentators table and screeches to a halt.
Jeff: No! It's the Extreme champion, Flaymin Aymin.
Dave: He's not scheduled to be out here during this segment!
Sure enough, out of the Tractor steps out our hero- Flaymin Aymin who's wielding his infamous blow torch in one hand.
The Flaymin One steps into the ring to a thunderous roaor of approval from the fans and then after posing for upwards of 2 minutes- he begins to address the crowd.....
FA: Its soooo good to be champion!. I'm starting to feel like a veteran because I've been champ for all of a whopping FIVE days! And in those 5 days I'm yet to find someone who's capable of beating me.
Now the question on all your lips is 'Whats up with the Tractor?'.
Well being the Extreme Champ I figured I have to be transported by some extreme equipment.
That means no more limo's, no more 1960 Volkswagon Beetles and no more sitting in the back of cop cars. From now on its Tractor's, Dump Trucks and other heavy pieces of transport driven by illiterate hicks named 'Buck'.
The crowd pops.
Jeff: Gee, as if we didn't know the this group of lumberjacks would pop for that!
Flaymin Aymin: Tonight, the main reason for my being here however is to set things straight.
Now many of you people downplay The Extreme Title. Its common myth that the Extreme belt is just a piece of crap which is fought over by guys who like smacking each other with garbage cans and fire extinguishers.
However only the second part of that statement is true. You see with this Extreme Title I'm representing you- the people.
The crowd pops loudly again. A small Aymin chant begins.
Flaymin Aymin pauses for a moment, then continues.
Flaymin Aymin: This is the ultimate definition of the people's belt because it appeals to freaks, goons and hoons of all ages and sizes.
All you people who have fallen down a flight of stairs- I represent you.
And those of you who get pissed off a football game and ram the referee's head through the posts- That's extreme and thus I'm representing you.
Everyone is extreme in one way or another sometimes without even realising it.
All you fat @ssed lazy people who sit at home waiting for your pizza which is 10 minutes late and then when the pizza boy arrives you put him through your coffee table- I represent you.
All you people who have unknowingly ran into a wall or a door in an extreme manner- I represent you
Well, scratch that. I represent all of you except for Steven.
Jeff: Hahahaha!!! Steven is left out again!
Steven: The Ream Team are all the friends I need.
Flaymin Aymin: We all do stupid things and most often then not they qualify in the extreme catergory.
And what do you people have to show for your Mick Foley like hardcore incidents??
Absolutely freakin' nothing. No respect, no money and not even a damn card because the only letter your getting is the Hospital Bill.
But now ladies and gentleman your saviour has arrived.
Everytime you do something extreme you can look up to The Flaymin One and know well that i'm representing you and that without your extreme antics I wouldn't be here representing you people- The unfortunate idiots of extreme incidents.
So next time you staple your finger to your folder and next time you trip over a pair of shoes and smack your head on the hardwood floors, I want you all to remember one thing- your actions will no longer go un-noticed because I, Flaymin Aymin will represent all you accident prone and hazardous people in the greatest way possible - On TV!!!
If ever a title was going to appeal to the people it would be the Extreme Belt, which is un-offically the peoples belt because it represents all you goons out there who do stupid things and blame someone else.
My friends the next time you smash your car and go through the windscreen, remember to show the nearest police officer your widest toothless grin and mutter to them "What I just did is cool because Flaymin understands my pain"- of course there's the odd chance you'll wind up in the nut house but hey thats got nothing to do with me because i'm the extreme champ- not the Psychiatric Champ.
As I leave you all for the evening i'll remind you that on your way out of this arena, if you get trampled in the mad rush on your way to the merchandise stands to buy my t-shirts and flavoured condoms, don't become angry or enraged. I want you to stand up and smile and say " This is a good thing because now the greatest performer from the Southern Hemisphere knows exactly how I feel".
The crowd pops as Flaymin Aymin leaves the ring.
*"Zero" By The Smashing Pumkins plays once more as The Flaymin One poses with his title and then makes his way to the tractor which he slowly backs out, yet accidently goes the wrong way and crushes a small group of fans.
Dave: Oh my God!!! Flaymin Aymin has just accidentally driven into the crowd and injured several fans.
Security and medical personnel rush out to attend to the wounded.
Suddenly, some of the injured fans, remembering Flaymin's inspiring speech, stand up with the blood streaming down and their broken bones dangling -begin to wave to their hero knowing well that he now represents every person that does something stupid or extreme.
Dave: (confused) I am not quite sure what to say about what we just witnessed.
Jeff: That was one of the worst segments ever to be aired on a PCW program.
Dave: I knew I could count on your to sugar coat it for our fans. Let's head to the ring for our next match featuring a good looking newcomer, Ian Preston.
Steven: I'll say he's good looking.
Ian Preston is already in the ring.
Clay Clayborne: Already in the ring at this time........IAN PRESTON!!!!
("Hot Stuff" Donna Summers blares out over the arena as Johnny G. struts down to the ring)
Clay Clayborne: Now making his way to the ring at this time, He hails from Las Vegas, Nevada........JOHNNY G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Johhny G. charges across the ring and tries to blindside Preston but Preston dodges out of the way causing JG to run into the turnbuckles. Preston spins JG around and starts working Johnny G. over with a series of vicious right and left hand combos. Preston sends G flying across the ring into the opposite corner. G hits hard and stumbles out only to be knocked into a tailspin by a diving Ian Preston clothesline. Preston quickly hops back up to his feet and plays to the crowd. He directs his attention back to Johnny G. Preston slowly drops an elbow down onto the motionless G. Preston covers...........1.................2....G kicks out. Preston pulls G to his feet and works in a few stiff forearm shots. Preston scoop slams G , Preston quickly runs over and ascends the top rope. Preston leaps off and nails a picture perfect guillotine leg drop................1..........................2.......Johnny G gets his shoulder up. Preston locks in a tight side headlock. Johnny G works his way to his feet and delivers some elbows to Preston's midsection trying to break the hold. G lifts Preston up in a side suplex attempt but Preston keeps the lock on and rolls G into a take over. G uses a head scissor to get Preston to release. Preston kick flips out and goes for an elbow drop but Johnny G rolls out of the way. Johnny G hits an on point elbow to the forehead of Preston's face. JG picks Preston up goes for a suplex but Preston blocks and hoists Preston up into a vertical suplex. Preston dives forward delivering a pancakeplex. Preston quickly jumps up and leg drops the back of G's head. Preston rolls JG over and hooks the leg............1.....................2............JG gets his shoulder up again. Preston starts to pull Johnny G to his feet but JG drills him with a low blow. JG quickly goes for a scoop slam but Preston slips out the back door. He spins JG around and kicks him in the gut and delivers he STRAIGHT JACKET DDT!!!!! Preston covers..........1.................2..............3!!!!!
Winner Ian Preston Time 4:18
Dave: So, Ian Preston's PCW career off to a with a win over the Funk Master Johnny G.
Jeff: Look who just slipped over the guard rail!
Suddenly, Tyler runs to the ring carrying the Rising Star belt. He clocks Ian with the belt, and gives Johnny G. the 'Hostile Takeover' then sends him through the ropes to the floor. Tyler taunts Ian with the belt while standing over him, then he throws the belt down and picks Ian up and slaps him in the 'Greed is Good'. After a few moments in the hold, Tyler drops Ian to the mat and picks up his title belt. He exits the ring and returns to the back with the title raised above his head and a content smirk on his face.
Dave: Apparently, Tyler Nelson has decided Ian Preston is a potential Rising Star Title contender and made a preemptive strike.
Jeff: (yawning) Yeah, as if anyone cares about matches featuring contenders for the Rising Star title.
Dave: Well, I am sure a segment of our viewing audience cares.
Jeff: Yeah. Like Preston and Johnny G.'s mother.
Dave: Ok, we need to head to a commercial.
(Commercial: "New World Man" by Rush begins to play in the background as former PIC World Champion Nate Dumas is shown holding the PIC World Title Belt above his head. Dan Hollywood is shown defeating some nameless jobber at an old PIC show, while Clyde is shown lighting an opponent on fire at one of the first PIC shows.
Announcer: January 24, 2001The Primetime Indy Circuit rises again.and who knows what diamonds in the rough will be found. Don't miss your chance to catch a glimpse of a future PCW champion. Order your Primetime Indy Circuit Tickets today!)
Dave: Welcome back to Tuesday Turmoil. While we were at commercial, Vegita and his valet Cindy made their way to the ring and have set up camp with the microphones. Let's head to the ring.
The crowd is booing Cindy and Vegita.
Cindy: "Why don't you people just shut the hell up! (Crowd boos) We have been gone a short while and we come back and now find they have chosen Vegita's victims for the pay per view. What is this some kind of joke PCW? Zero interference and you give him 3 retards and a friend? I must say that this was a better present then the Santa's workshop fight. Yea I know he didn't win but who else made a better showing then me? I've been here long enough to realize one thing. What you fat, stinking, backwards fans here in Maine need to do is recognize the true talent of Vegita! Now let the man speak his mind and if not you just might be invited over for diner. (She chuckles and hands Vegita the mic)
Vegita: You know I think the fans here should give you a hand for dumbing that down for them. Now if you can all just put down either your beer or your sister for just a moment or two I want to speak a short while. First off welcome back me! I took some time off and I'm back better then before and ready to make you all wonder why the hell I didn't stay gone. PCW refuses to give me angles, they are probably hard at work thinking but then with a fifth grade education, and that is combined education levels, they can not come up with one decent idea so what do they do/ change it to a 4 on one handicap match. That's fine by me. But remember one thing PCW do you know who Tha Baerman is? Besides being the unlucky man alive with women he is also my friend. If you think that for one moment that he will raise a hand against me or I against him you have thought wrong. You are just trying to stir up trouble and it's not gonna work. Violator? I mean geeze come on people. Do you honestly think he will be a problem? But he is the best of the other three losers that will loose their life in the orient. Steve smith? There was an old hockey player, great defenseman that had the same name but you know something he was famous for? Putting the puck in his own net during the playoffs. That's right he messed up in the most important time of the year. This Steve Smith will be no different. The pay per view will be his playoffs and when he feels his head hitting the ground it will be his doom. Sorry Steve, nothing personal. Oh wait EVERYTHING is personal! Then there is a Janitor in the match, that's a good thing, someone has to clean up all the blood after I am done with them in the ring.
(Vegita circles the ring, mic in hand, smiling at the crowd that boos him)
Look it is as easy as this. I am the sickest sob in this place and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. I am going out of here to film some promos how I want and the rest of you will just have to suffer. You know you love it, and just for the ones that like to complain there will be a special bit of fun in there for you to read. Enjoy your pathetic lives and oh yeah, THE BLACKBEARS SUCK!
(He drops the mic and leaves the ring with Cindy in tow, the crowd booing loudly and hurling beer and other assorted foreign objects at them)
Jeff: (sarcastically) Boy I am glad I got to witness that! Thank you Vegita for conjuring up images of such stick work magicians such as Hulk Hogan, The Rock and Ric Flair during that fine, fine in ring promo.
Dave: Ok, well, we have a real treat up for you next, as the cruiserweight title is on the line in a four corners, TLC match.
Jeff: But this match is kind of a lame duck match with that whole "Kid Wonder Rumble" thing going on this Friday on Fusion.
("Glory" by Sugar Ray begins to play)
Kern: What's this?
Smith: It's the Crusierweight champion!
(Out from the back, unexpectedly, walks the PCW Crusierweight champion, Kid Wonder, along with his lovely girlfriend Amanda. They walk down the ramp and take a seat at the announce position right next to Jeff Marx.)
Kern: Ladies and gentlemen, PCW Crusierweight champion Kid Wonder has joined us at our broadcast position along with the lovely Amanda. What brings you out here?
Wonder: This next match could play a major role in my title reign. You know, the winner os this match is the last man in the "Kid Wonder Rumble".
Jeff: Hey, Amanda, I heard that you two were splitting up. If that's the case, then I'm always available.
Amanda: And I can understand why
All the guys, except for Marx, laugh
Wonder: Ooohh, dissss. Let's just get this match started.
("Dead Bodies Everywhere" by KoRn plays as Clyde comes out with the charred remains of the Crusierweight title.)
Jeff: Yes! It's DA MAN! Clyde is DA MAN! And he'll be the one that easily ends your little title reign. You gave him the title, then took it away. I hope he lights you on fire little Skiddie.
Wonder: You know Jeff, ol' "Dougie-Poo" has rights to that name.
Amanda: Not to mention rights to your mom
Everyone at the table, except for Marx, laughs again
Clay: The following is a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. Introducing first, from Hell's Kitchen, New York, at a weight of 230 pounds.......CLYDE
("Californication" by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays as Dan Hollywood comes out with Buffy Vegas)
Clay: His opponent, being accompanied to the ring by Buffy Vegas, from Hollywood, California, at a weight of 225 pounds.......DAN HOLLYWOOD
("Am I Evil?" by Metallica hits as "The Innovator" makes his way out)
Wonder: It's our little tag team wrestler that wants to be a singles star.
Dave: Brock Newbludd, 3 time Tag Team champion.
Wonder: He might be a great tag team wrestler, but look at Ryan Knox for example, great tag wrestling doesn't equal great singles wrestling.
Clay: Their opponent, from Ashland, Wisconsin, at a weight of 230 pounds, he is one half of the PCW Tag Team champions......."THE INNOVATOR" BROCK NEWBLUDD
("One Step Closer" from Linkin Park plays as Miyagawa comes out)
Clay: Finally, from Anaheim, California, at a weight of 210 pounds.......MIYAGAWA
Kern: So, is there anyone in particular you want to win this match?
Wonder: Doesn't matter to me. To be honest, I think that they'll all try to imitate me in there and all end up breaking their necks.
Steven: I'd like to see you go in there and fight.
Wonder: Why?
Steven: Cause when you move around and all.................
Wonder: Shut up you little cherry picker. Normally I'd punk you out for that but why should I waste my time when Vegita's gonna do it at Shanghaied.
They all laugh at Steven
Steven: Maybe I could warm up with you before..........
A loud slap can be heard. It's that of Amanda's hand across the face of Steven. Some whimpering can be heard as we focus in the ring. All 4 men look up and see the slip of paper reading "Last" on it. They then look back at eachother as Buzz Meacham rings the bell.
The 4 wrestlers pair off. Clyde pairs off against Miya and BN against DH. BN pounds away at DH, then tosses him from the ring. Meanwhile, Clyde is pounding away at Miya. He goes to send him into the ropes but Miya reverses sending Clyde right into BN. BN sees Clyde coming and thinks quickly. BN sends Clyde over the top rope with a back body drop. Miya and BN look at eachother, then nod their heads. On the outside, Clyde and DH slowly rise to their feet. BN and Miya wait, then go and hit the two men with a double springboard plancha. All 4 men are down on the outside. Miya is the first to get up, followed by BN as Clyde and DH remain down. Miya goes under the ring for something but, as he does, BN hits him from behind. BN is now pounding on the back of Miya. He takes Miya and whips him into the guardrail. Meanwhile, DH is back to his feet. BN turns around and is met with a standing dropkick from DH. DH stomps at BN some until Clyde gets up and hits DH from behind. Clyde then grabs a chair. He sits and waits as DH is getting up. Once DH is up, Clyde takes him down with a chair shot to the head. Clyde still holds the chair waiting for the next man to come at him. The next man comes, but Clyde's not ready for him. Miya comes from out of nowhere and kicks the chair right into Clyde's face. Miya then sets the chair up on the outside, then takes Clyde's face and repeatedly slams it into the seat of the chair. As Miya keeps on slamming Clyde's head, BN has pulled a table from out under the ring and has slid it into the ring. Just as he does that, DH gets back up and hits BN from behind. The two of them start to brawl up the ramp as Miya rolls Clyde, bloody face and all, into the ring. Miya sees the table sitting in there and sets it up in the corner. He then pulls Clyde up and places him over his shoulder. Miya charges toward the table but Clyde slides off his shoulder and pushes Miya into the table. The table doesn't break though and Miya bounces off of it and right into Clyde who takes him down with a neckbreaker. Clyde then rolls out of the ring, wipes the blood off his face, and looks under the ring apron for something.
Meanwhile, on the stage DH and BN continue brawling. A ladder sits up there waiting to be brought down. The tow men trade punches for a bit. Then DH goes to punch BN, but it's blocked. BN then kicks DH and drops him with a DDT on the stage. BN grabs the ladder sitting there and starts to come down to the ring. Meanwhile, at ringside, Clyde has grabbed another ladder from under the ring. He pulls it out and leans it up against the ring apron. BN sees this and comes running down the ramp with ladder in hand. Clyde turns around to see BN coming but can't do anything as BN drives the top of the ladder right into the ribs of Clyde. As Clyde goes down, Miya gets up in the ring. BN starts to slide the ladder into the ring but Miya does a baseball slide kick right into the ladder sending the bottom of it right into BN's face. BN and Clyde on down at ringside, DH is slowly starting to get up on the stage, and Miya is all alone in the ring. He grabs the ladder and slowly sets it up in the center of the ring. Meanwhile, on the stage, DH is up and he goes behind the curtain for a moment. When he comes back out he has a fire extinguisher in his hand. Meanwhile, still on the outside, both Clyde and BN are slowly rising to their feet. Down the ramp walks DH as both BN and Clyde roll into the ring and Miya is about half way up the ladder. Inside the ring, BN and Clyde both see Miya nearing the top and are about to knock him off when DH comes in and sprays the fire extinguisher right in their faces.
Wonder: I hear Dan Hollywood uses a fire extinguisher to make smoke in his movies
DH also sprays it into the face of Miya just as he's at the top. Miya is blinded by it and loses his balance on the ladder. He falls off and crotches the top rope before falling out of the ring. Once the exhaust clears, DH sees an opportunity and starts to climb the ladder. BN is easily able to knock him off after he only gets to the 2nd rung though. The brawl between BN and DH resumes again as Clyde sets the table up. He then rolls out of the ring, looks under the ring apron, and pulls out a singapore cane. He also slides the 2nd ladder into the ring. DH and BN keep on fighting until Clyde comes back in and hits them both in the head with the singapore cane. Clyde then stomps on both DH and BN until they roll out of the ring. Clyde tosses the singapore cane away and starts to climb the ladder. As he slowly makes his way up it, Miya gets back onto the ring apron and climbs to the top rope. Clyde doesn't see him and keeps on climbing. Miya gets up top, then measures Clyde up. He comes off the top rope and hits Clyde with a missle dropkick knocking him off the ladder. Both Miya and Clyde are down inside the ring. On the outside, both Dh and BN have gotten back up. DH kicks at BN but BN grabs his foot. BN then kicks him directly in the nuts as DH goes down in a hurry. BN rolls into the ring, then heads to the top rope. He sits and waits as Clyde starts to show some movement. BN readies himself and leaps off for the Sky Twister Press, but Clyde moves out of the way and BN ends up landing, on his ribs, right on top of the 2nd ladder. As BN grabs his ribs in pain, Clyde starts stomping away on them as Miya is back up. Miya walks over, grabs the singapore cane Clyde brought in, and slowly appraoches Clyde. Clyde sees him though and kicks him in the gut, knocking the cane out of his hand. Clyde then sets him up for a powerbomb. He gets him in the air but, mid-move, Miya turns it into a huricanrana, Clyde hangs on and ends up turning it into a pinning predicament but Miya rolls through that, grabs the feet of Clyde, and puts him in a texas cloverleaf submission. DH is back up on the outside, comes into the ring, and breaks the hold up. Elsewhere in the ring, BN has slowly gotten back up and is setting the 2nd ladder up. Bn slowly starts climbing it as DH and Miya trade lefts and rights near the ropes. Clyde gets back to his feet, measures both men up, then hits a running clothesline on both men sending all 3 men to the outside. Clyde, DH, and Miya are down on the outside and BN is at the top of the 2nd ladder inside. He looks at where he's at and sees that he can't reach the slip of paper. He then sees all 3 men starting to get up outside the ring. BN makes some kind of motion on top of the ladder, then leaps off and hits a corkscrew moonsault on Clyde, DH, and Miya from the top of the ladder all the way to the arena floor. The crowd goes crazy and starts a "PCW!" chant.
Dave: WHAT A MOVE BY THE TAG TEAM CHAMPION!
Wonder: Told you they are all gonna break their necks
All 4 men are brusied and battered on the outside of the ring, none of them on their feet after BN's crazy maneuver. After about 10 seconds, BN is the first one up and he slowly slides back into the ring. He sets the 2nd ladder up right next to the first and slowly starts to make his way up it. Clyde is the next one up on the outside, followed directly by DH. Clyde enters first and goes over to the ladder BN is on and starts climbing up it. Meanwhile, DH gets into the ring and heads toward the other ladder. Miya gets up on the outside, quickly slides into the ring, and stops DH from getting to the other ladder. Miya pounds away on DH. He then grabs his hand and goes to slam it onto the table set up in the ring, but DH blocks it, then slams Miya's head a few times onto the table. DH then goes over to the other ladder and starts to climb it. Miya quickly regains his composure and starts to climb the same ladder as DH. On the other ladder, Clyde and BN are both near the top and start to trade punches. Just when BN gets the advantage on Clyde, Clyde rakes the eys of BN. Clyde then gets to the top of the ladder and sets BN up for something.
Jeff: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Dave: Clyde's not gonna do what I think he;s gonna do
Clyde has BN in position, then executes the INFERNO FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER THROUGH A TABLE!!!! A collective "Holy shit" can be heard from the crowd, followed closely by another "PCW!" chant.
Jeff: You thought what Brock did was great, that was nothing compared to what DA MAN just did!
Dave: OH MY GOD THEY'RE BROKEN IN HALF!
Jeff: That'll be you come Friday little Kiddie.
Wonder: Don't bet on it
Clyde doesn't move around much after executing that death-defying move. He just lies on top of the broken body of BN. On the other ladder, Miya and DH are trading punches. Miya blocks a punch from DH and starts to hammer away at him. Miya hits DH with a strong right sending him flying off the ladder and straddling the top rope. DH falls onto the ring apron, then the floor. Miya is at the top of the ladder with nobody around to stop him. He reaches up and grabs the slip of paper for the win.
WINNER: Miyagawa Time: 13:13
Dave: It looks like Miyagawa will be entering last in the "Kid Wonder Rumble" on Friday.
Jeff: WRONG! Miyagawa said that if he won, he would give the prize to Clyde. So DA MAN will be the last to enter on Friday.
We hear the sound of headsets coming off. We then watch as Miyagawa stands on top of the ladder staring down the Crusierweight champ. Wonder and Miya are busy exchanging words, so Miyagawa doesn't notice the Chat King climb over the guardrail and enter the ring. The Chat King rushes over and grabs the ladder Miyagawa is standing on, causing it to tip over. Miyagawa attempts to jump to safety, but falls short, getting his foot tangled in the ropes, causing him to flip backwards while his head slams into the steel ring steps.
Dave: Oh MY GOD!!
The Chat King begins shouting at Kid Wonder and Kid Wonder just smirks, dismissing the PCW newcomer.
Dave: Oh my! We are gonna head to a commercial. When we return, Stephen Blood will be taking on HAC in a #1 Contender's Match for the PCW Continental Title. We will be right back.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Jiffy Lube, the official car care outlet of the Ream Team)
Dave: Ok, we are back. Let's head to the ring for our next match.
The lights dim as a wolf howl eminates throughout the arena.
Jeff: Jason Wulf must be looking for mates.
Dave: That howl is part of Steven Blood's entrance.
Silver lights begin to strobe as "Debonaire" by Dope blares throughout the arena. Black and white clips with only the red parts colored blare over the video screen and show clips of black wolves barking and running as Stephen, beer in hand, comes out to the ring)
Clay: Making his way to the ring, from Clevland, Ohio, at a weight of 283 pounds, he's one half of the PCW Tag Team champions......."THE NEW LEGEND" STEPHEN BLOOD
(The lights go out, and a woman's voice is heard saying "Thou Shall Be Written, Thou Shall Be Done" over and over. Then a big pyro explosion hits and "I Disappear" by Metallica goes thru the speakers as out from the back comes the Homicidal One with singapore cane in hand and Lizzy Borden by his side. As they both walk to the ring HAC lifts Lizzy to the ring apron and hands her the cane.And as HAC stands in front of Lizzy he lifts his arms in the air, and Lizzy lifts the cane in the air. As pyro in the ring explodes)
Clay: His opponent, accompanied to the ring by Lizzy Borden, at a weight of 259 pounds......."HOMICIDAL" ANTHONY CAY
SB looks at HAC for a moment, then they get it on. SB uses his size advantage to overpower HAC. He hits him with some knees to the gut, then whips him into the ropes. HAC, being the ring veteran that he is, hooks onto the ropes, then slides out. SB waits in the ring for HAC to come back in. HAC walk along the outside, grabs a chair, and tosses it in the ring.
Dave: This isn't a no disqualification match. Cay's gonna get himself disqualified.
Jeff: The sooner this match ends, the better
Referee Speedy Riggs takes the chair and slides it back out of the ring. HAC isn't real happy about it, but Riggs explains it to him and the match goes on. The two men lock up with SB getting the advantage. He whips HAC into the corner, then comes in with an elbow but HAC moves out of the way. HAC starts hit SB with some knife edge chops in the corner. He then takes SB and hip tosses him to the mat. HAC keeps a hold of the arm and locks an armbar on SB. SB quickly gets out of it and starts twisting the arm of HAC. HAC turns it around and starts to twist the arm of SB. SB gets out of it by kicking HAC in the ribs. SB then sends HAC into the rpes but HAC bounces off and comes back with a spinning heel kick to the face of SB. HAC makes a cover, 1.......2....SB kicks out. HAC pulls SB up and goes for a belly to back suplex, but SB counters and, from out of nowhere, hits a modified version of The Countdown on HAC. SB makes a cover, 1.....2...HAC gets a shoulder up.
Suddenly, Hardknocks Chris Allen rushes out of the back to ringside.
Dave: What is HCA doing here?
Jeff: More precisely, who is he attacking?
HCA is about to hit the ring, when Lizzy stops him and begins talking to him. The referee turns his attention to HCA's approach. While this conversation is going on, no one notices that one of the cameramen has climbed the ring steps. Suddenly, the cameraman drops his camera and tosses of his baseball cap, and slips through the ropes.
Dave: That is Steven Blood's tag partner Brock Newbludd!
SB pulls HAC up and suplexes him, while Newbludd heads up top. SB holds down HAC, while BN hits the Skytwister Press then quickly roles from the ring. HAC is not moving. HCA is shouting for the ref to turn around, which he does, just in time to see SB cover HAC1..2..3!!!!
WINNER: Stephen Blood Time: 5:55
Dave: So, Stephen Blood, with a little help from his tag partner Brock Newbludd, will face the winner of the tonight's Continental Title Match between Jon Kano and Hardknocks Chris Allen. Boy, did I just see Brock Newbludd and Stephen Blood cheat their way to a victory?
Jeff: Yeah, and HCA was here to lend moral support. Brock just beat him to the punch, literally.
Dave: Ok, we still have several excellent match-ups to go this evening, so let's head to the ring for our next match.
Clay Clayborne: The following match is one fall, and is for the PCW Rising Star Championship. Making his way to the ring at this time, being accompanied by Vanessa, from San Jose, California and weighing in at 275 pounds, Jason Wulf!
The lights slowly dim in the arena. Quietly "Mr. Crowly" from Ozzy starts as Wulf come out to the glow of a red light. Vanessa comes out first creeping out looking nervously from side to side carrying a large chain. Flames start to rise at the edge of the stage as she pulls on the chain and Wulf begins to come out as the music gets louder. He steps out from behind the curtain walking tall and stopping under the video screen slowly glaring and peering into the crowd. The music holds on a low note as Vanessa pulls the trench coat down and off his shoulders and as she goes for the collar, wolves are heard howling through the arena. As she reaches for Wulf's collar he grins viciously and bares his fangs. As soon as the collar comes off, flames shoot straight up and the music changes with an explosive charge to an instrumental version of "Break Stuff" from Limp Bizkit. Vanessa jumps back and moves behind Wulf as he does a Goldberg like jump slashing my arms through the air then pushing them up in the air veins popping out As he flexes. The music makes him go nuts and he spins around fangin for everyone, then bolts to the ring to pummel his opponent.
Clay Clayborne: His opponent, being accompanied to ring by Mr. Simmons, from Dallas, Texas, weighing in at 251 pounds, the C.E.O. of Greed Inc., the PCW Rising Star Champion, Tyler Nelson!
"C.R.E.A.M" by Wu Tang Clan starts to play over the arena speakers as Tyler Nelson and Mr. Simmons begin to make their way down the ramp. Tyler hands his Rising Star belt to Mr. Simmons and rolls into the ring. He cockily grins at Jason Wulf as the ref calls for the bell.
Wulf gazes coldly at Nelson, taking deep, heaving breaths, his hands clenching and unclenching as his rage begins to build. Nelson arrogantly walks over to Wulf and grins in his face, before slapping him across the chops. His laughter is cut off as Wulf quickly reaches out and grabs him by the throat. His eyes bulge as Wulf picks him up by the throat and tosses him into a turnbuckle. Wulf starts laying in lefts and rights into Nelson's midsection. Wulf slings Nelson into the opposite corner and charges in right after him, only a few steps behind. As soon Nelson hits the corner Wulf nails him with a shoulder block in the gut, crumpling Neslon over. Wulf grabs Nelson and nails a gut wrench side slam. Wulf goes for the cover 12 and Nelson kicks out. Wulf snarls as he picks Nelson up by his hair, but Nelson reaches up and grabs Wulf's head, tucks the top of his head underneath Wulf's chin, and drops down to his knees, delivering a jawbreaker and staggering Wulf back. Nelson snapmares Wulf over, grabs his arm, and drops down to his back, applying a short arm scissors. Wulf is able to drape a foot over the bottom rope and the ref forces Nelson to relinquish the hold. Both men climb to their feet and lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Wulf starts pushing Nelson back, but Nelson lifts a knee up into Wulf's gut, bending him over. He nails a couple more knee lifts, then slams an elbow across the back of Wulf's neck. Suddenly Wulf explodes on Nelson with a clothesline, knocking Nelson off his feet. He picks up Nelson and applies an arm wrench. Nelson counters by somersaulting over and applying an arm wrench of his own. He bends Wulf's arm behind him in a hammerlock position, then hoists Wulf up with his free arm and drops back with a side suplex. He covers 12 and Wulf kicks out. Nelson jumps up and gets in the ref's face, saying that it should've been a three count. Wulf stands up and wraps his arms around a surprised Nelson's waist, and delivers a German suplex, holding the bridge. The ref counts 12 and Nelson kicks out. Wulf gets up and picks Nelson up, slinging him into the ropes. Wulf catches Nelson with a tilt-a-whirl side slam and covers 12 and Nelson barely gets the shoulder up. Wulf picks up Nelson, but Nelson gets an arm up between Wulf's legs and blasts him in the lower abdominal region. Nelson then nails a DDT on Wulf and both men fall on the ground. The ref starts a 10 count 1234 Nelson starts to stir 56 Nelson slowly pushes Wulf over and drapes an arm across his chest and the ref counts 12 and Wulf gets the shoulder up. Both men slowly regain their feet, and Nelson starts laying in right hands, staggering Wulf back. He grabs Wulf's arm as Mr. Simmons hops up onto the apron with the belt and slings him into the ropes. Simmons blasts Wulf in the back of the head with the Rising Star belt, dropping Wulf like a bag of bricks. Vanessa runs over and grabs Simmons' ankles and yanks, spilling Simmons of the apron and to the concrete. Simmons gets up and Vanessa slaps him across the face. Simmons grabs Vanessa's hair and starts yelling at her as the ref climbs out, trying to separate the two managers. In the ring, Nelson picks up Wulf and slings him over his shoulders, nailing the Hostile Takeover DVD. He covers, but the ref is nowhere to be seen. He gets up and looks around for the ref. Nelson spots the ref trying to separate Vanessa and Simmons and bends over the top rope, yelling at all three. Suddenly the Reverend runs down the ramp and slides into the ring behind Nelson. He spins Nelson around, kicks him in the gut, and delivers the Exorcism! He drags Wulf over and drapes him across Nelson and rolls out of the ring as the ref is rolling back in on the other side. The ref sees the cover and counts 123!
Winner, and new Rising Star Champion, Jason Wulf!
Vanessa grabs Wulf's leg and drags him out of the ring, and helps him back up the ramp, Rising Star belt in hand. Simmons climbs into the ring, checking on Nelson. Suddenly, Franky the Mook and Dominic Demedegi charge down the ring, each holding a baseball bat. Dominic cracks his bat across Simmons' head. Franky starts laying in shots with his bat into Nelson's ribs, then picks him up and starts choking him with it. PCW security rush in and force Franky and Dominic away from the beaten men. The Italians back up the ramp, grinning and jawing at the fans.
Dave: Oh my God!!! Nelson just took a huge beating at the hands of several men. Jason Wulf scores the victory with help from the PCW World Champion, The Reverend.
Jeff: It looks like Nelson's beating isn't over.
While PCW security is busy escorting Franky and Dominic away, Ian Preston slips out from the crowd and begins firing right hand after right hand into the face of Tyler Nelson. Simmons tries to stop the carnage, but receives several stiff shots in the melon for his troubles. Satisfied with the beating, Preston takes off before security can react.
Jeff: Boy, Tyler Nelson is making friends everywhere he goes.
Wait a minute, I am being told we have more activity in the back.
Jason Wulf is shown letting out a howl of victory while Vanessa scratches his ear.
The Reverend: Listen, I have to go get ready for my title match, so remember the plan. Make sure you have my back tonight.
Vanessa (for Jason Wulf): We'll be there.
The Reverend walks off while Wulf let's out another victorious howl.
Suddenly, there is a high pitched sound, comparable to the sound a tranquilizer dart would make when fired from a tranquilizer gun.
Jason Wulf: YEEEEEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!
Wulf looks down to see a red feathered dart sticking out of his, er, hide. Wulf's eyes roll into the back of his head and he begins to fall. Vanessa looks around and sees no one and runs off screaming for help.
Suddenly, Animal Control Officers Dave and Tom appear from a concealed location, behind the ever present boxes, bins and barrels which always litter the backstage area of wrestling arenas. The two civil servants throw a net over top of Jason Wulf and drag him away.
Jeff: Cooool!!! Looks like Jason is going off to the pound for the old "snip snip" of the testi-cal-ees!
Steven: That's terrible!
Jeff: Do you think this means Vanessa will be available?
Dave: Shut up Jeff! Have you no compassion.
Jeff: Nope!
Dave: Should have figured. Ok, well, no rest for the weary. It is time to head to the ring, where Jon Kano will defend his newly won title against Chris Allen.
("Hardknock Life" by Jay-Z plays as the wrestler formerly known as Boda heads to the ring.)
Clay Clayborne: The following is for the PCW Continental championship. Introducing first
Clay is suddenly interrupted as the PCW Continental Champ Jon Kano rushes out of the back and levels the massive Allen from behind giving Kano the upperhand, for a moment. Boda then fires back with a forearm shot to the throat, stunning Kano. He grabs Kano by the hair and drags him to the ring. HCA slides into the ring and yanks a still groggy Kano with him.
HCA is on top of Kano as he enters the ring. HCA hits Kano with numerous double axehandles to the back of Kano. He then pulls Kano up, whips him into the ropes, and hits him with a big boot to the face. HCA makes a cover, 1.......2.....Kano kicks out. HCA stomps on Kano some more as he rolls out of the ring. HCA talks some trash to Kano from inside the ring while, on the outside, Kano holds his face and has a surprised look on his face.
Dave: It looks as if Kano has underestimated Chris Allen
Jeff: No matter what his name is, he'll ALWAYS be a jobber supreme
Steven: I'll try not to underestimate him if I see him later tonight *wink, wink*
Kano rolls back into the ring and challenges HCA to a test of strength. HCA looks at him, then laughs as Kano holds his hand in the air. HCA then goes along with it and grabs the hand of Kano. They then go to do the other hand but, as the hands go up, Kano pokes the eye of HCA. Kano then starts to kick away at HCA. Kano whips HCA into the ropes and tries taking him down with a clothesline but HCA won't go down. Kano runs against the ropes and tries a running clothesline, but that only staggers him some more. Kano runs against the ropes again but HCA sees it and counters with a sidewalk slam. HCA covers, 1.......2.....Kano kicks out. HCA grabs a hold of Kano and tosses him over the top rope. He then starts to pump up the crowd as Kano slowly attempts to get up on the outside. HCA goes out after him. He goes to pick him up but Kano rakes the eyes of HCA. Kano then grabs the head of HCA and throws him into the steel steps. AK keeps a hold of HCA's head and slams it into the steel steps a few times before rolling him back into the ring. Kano rolls in and starts to gouge at the eyes of HCA. Referee Buzz Meacham tells him to stop, so he does. Kano then starts to choke HCA before making a over, 1.......2....HCA kicks out with authority! Kano has another look of shock on his face as HCA rises to his feet. Kano walks over and starts to kick at him. He then tries throwing him into the ropes, but reversed by HCA. Kano bounces off the ropes and gets rocked with a big boot to the face by HCA. HCA says that it's over and lifts Kano up. He holds him up for a moment, then drops him with 3 the HARD Way. HCA hesitates for a moment before making a cover, 1.......2......Kano has his foot on the ropes. HCA can't believe it and slams his fists to the mat.
Dave: Why are these guys coming out?
Jeff: Probably to take revenge on Boda for trying to run in on Blood's match earlier, dumass.
We look to see The Blood Brothers coming down the ramp. Neither wrestler is aware of it. Inside the ring, HCA is still going to work on Kano. He's got him backed into the corner but Kano counters with yet another poke to the eye. Kano then backs HCA into the corner and chops away at his chest. He then attempts to whip him into the other corner, but HCA counters it, pulls Kano into him, then kicks him in the gut. HCA sets Kano up for another 3 the HARD Way. As he's setting Kano up, Brock Newbludd gets onto the ring apron and distracts the ref. Meanwhile, from the other side of the ring enters Stephen Blood. As HCA is about to lift Kano up, Blood kicks HCA in the gut, then hits him with the Stephenflow DDT. He slides out of the ring without Meacham seeing him. The ref is still distracted by Newbludd when, charging out from the back is HAC. He hits Newbludd from behind. Blood goes over to help him and a 2 on 1 ensues, but HAC is holding his own. Meanwhile, inside the ring, Kano is up and has pulled HCA up. He sets HCA up and hits him with The Kanoplex. Kano makes a cover, 1.......2.......3
WINNER: Jon Kano Time: 7:27
Dave: So Jon Kano, with the help of the Blood Brothers has held onto his Continental Title.
After the match, Kano grabs his Continental title and heads up the ramp. HAC has rolled Brock into the ring, but Blood hits him from behind. Blood then rolls HAC into the ring and enters himself.
Kano has stopped at the top of the ramp and is posing with his belt held high above his head, much to the displeasure of the crowd. Suddenly, Alan Kriegman appears behind him and hits him with a shot to the gnadular area.
Jeff: That's gotta hurt!
Kriegman quickly follows up by snatching up Kano and driving him to the steel ramp via the End.
Meanwhile, the Blood Brothers proceed to double team HAC until "Hardknocks" gets up and hits Blood from behind. Blood and "Hardknocks", Brock and HAC, they all fight. The brawl rages on until security comes out to break it up. HAC and "Hardknocks" stand in the ring, side by side, as "Hardknock Life" by Jay-Z plays again and The Blood Brothers are escorted to the back.
Jeff: Well, I suppose this wouldn't be the PCW if the matches ended cleanly and without a cluster.
Dave: You can say that again.
Jeff: Well, I suppose this wouldn't be the PCW if the matches ended cleanly and without a cluster.
Dave: Not literally, Numbskull. Ok, we are just about ready for our TV Title Match. Let's head to the ring.
("Danger" from Mystikal hits throughout the arena)
Clay Clayborne: Now making his way to the ring at this time....he hails from Brooklyn, New York............MR. SHOWTIME!!!!!
(A loud YEEEEEE-HAW is heard followed by the song Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Bang comes out jogging to the ring, smiling and waving to the fans. He slides under the ropes and raises both arms in the air shouting YEEE-HAWWW!)
Clay Clayborne: And his opponent he hails from Coldwater, Mississippi.....HE IS THE PCW TELIVISION CHAMPION......BANG DAVENPORT!!!!
Bang and Showtime lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Showtime quickly muscles Bang against the ropes. Showtime makes it look like his going to give a clean break but fires away on Bang with some furious knife edge chops. Showtime sends Bang flying across the ring into the ropes. Showtime charges and drives Bang to the mat with a big clothesline. Showtime methodically drops a leg drop across the throat of Bang. Showtime covers.............1...............2......Bang kicks out. Showtime pulls Bang to his feet and hoists him up on his shoulder. Showtime runs to drop Bang into a snake eyes but bang slips out the back and shoves Showtime into the corner. Showtime rings his head off of the ring post and stumbles back toward Bang right into a hangman's neck breaker. Bang makes a quick cover........1............2............3!!!! NO!! Showtime got his foot on the rope. Bang drags Showtime to his feet. Showtime has begun to juice. Blood drips from his face onto the mat. Bang hits Showtime with a few stiff uppercuts then snap mares him to the mat. Showtime flips over into an upright position. Bang quickly rebounds off the ropes and dropkicks the back of Showtime's head. Showtime rocks back as if he were knocked out. bang covers.............1...................2.............Kick out by Showtime. Bang pulls Showtime to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Showtime hangs on to the ropes, Bang charges but is back dropped over the top to the outside. Showtime slides out and starts pounding away on a hurt Bang. 1.............2...........Showtime sends Bang crashing into the guardrail..........3............4. Showtime goes to follow with a knee smash but Bang moves and Showtime flips up and over the guardrail into the crowd. The ref stops the count to try and go out and get it back into the ring. Bang pulls Showtime back over the guardrail and sends him head first into the steps. Bang grabs Showtime and slides him back into the ring. Showtime has really begun to wear the crimson mask. Bang stomps away at Showtime as he is beginning to crawl to his feet. Bang grabs Showtime and goes for a scoop slam but Showtime blocks it. He delivers a scoops slam of his own then drops in exhaustion. After a few moments both men pull themselves to their feet. Showtime goes for a big right hand but Bang blocks it and goes for one of his own but Showtime blocks it and delivers a chin breaker to Bang. Showtime pulls Bang up and goes for a powerbomb but Bang back slips out and scoops Showtime off his feet and starts pounding him. Bang gets up and goes to a corner and signals for the BANG THANG and delivers. He makes the cover.1.2.3!!!!
Winner and still PCW Television Champion: Bang Davenport Time: 6:18
Dave: So Bang Davenport comes out on top once again. Ok, we need to head to a commercial. We will be right back with Jake Douglas vs Kris Kanton. We will be right back.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Junkyard Wars)
Dave: Ok, we have been told that the Doug Troy vs Picasso match has been postponed since Picasso is no where to be found, presumably in the hands of the Portland Animal Control Authority.
Ok, for Doug Troy's reaction, let's head to the back and our man on the prowl, the Pimply Faced Intern Kid.
The camera shifts to the back where the Pimply Faced Intern Kid is standing outside of Doug Troy's dressing room.
PFIK: Ok, I am just gonna knock on this door and see what former PCW World Champion Doug Troy has to say about his match with Picasso being cancelled tonight.
PFIK knocks on DT's locker room door.
DT (from beyond the door): Come in!
PFIK is playing opens the door. In Doug Troy's dressing room, Doug is playing a test copy of 'Metal Gear Solid 2' when a loud crashing is heard. Doug pauses the game and quickly runs to the back. The camera follows Doug into the back and sees a cage. The door has been ripped off the hinges.
Doug: "Oh shit! He escaped!"
PFIK: What escaped!
DT: Get out of my way!
DT rushes from the room.
PFIK: I am not sure what is going on, but Doug Troy just left here in a hurry! Back to you guys.
Jeff: Doug Troy sucks ass. He and his little bestiality fetish have gone a little too far.
Steven: I agree! Why mess with little itty bitty koalas when there are so many well endowed horses available!
Dave: Ok, well if you two would quit yapping we can begin calling the Kanton/Douglas match, which is already in progress.
Kanton and Douglas are brawling in the center of the ring. Kanton starts to get the better of things, and drives Douglas haed into the corner. Kanton follows up with a huge clotheslines, causing Douglas to flip up and over the top rope and down to the floor of the ringside area. Kanton climbs to ropes and waits for the Douglas to get to his feet on the outside. As Douglas staggers to his feet, Kanton executes a cross body block from the top rope onto Douglas who is standing on the floor. Both men go down in a heap.
Dave: That kind of move usually hurts one man as much as the other.
Both men stagger to their feet and begin trading punches. This time Douglas gets the upperhand and drives Kanton back towards the time keeper's table. Kanton stumbles back into the timekeepers table and Douglas moves forward and delivers a viscous knife edged chop.
Then, the lights go out.
Dave: Uh oh! What's going on!
A crashing sound is heard. A moment later, the lights go back on to reveal both Douglas and Kanton lying unconscious, amidst the wreckage of the timekeeper's table. There is no attacker in sight.
Dave: OH MY GOD!! Someone or group just put Kris Kanton and Jake Douglas through a table in the ringside area.
Referee Buzz Meacham has no choice and begins to count both men out.1.234..56.7.8910.
Jeff: Neither man even moved! Both of those guys are out!
Dave: But who is the attacker?
Jeff: I dunno, and for that matter, don't really care.
Dave: Well, the show must go on, so let's head to the ring where Scott Naket and Revenant will take on Da Wize Guyz for the right to take on the Blood Brothers at the PPV.
The match kicks off with Scott Naket coming up against the culinary master, Chef. They lock up in the ring, with Naket taking Chef down with a legdrag. Chef rolls away and gets back to his feet, before locking up with Naket again, who hits him with another legdrag. Chef rolls away for the second time and stands back up again. He moves towards Naket and gets in a quick jab to Naket's jaw, before kicking him square in the gut, doubling him over, quickly the Chef smashing Naket's skull down to the mat with a speedy DDT. He covers: 1. but Naket kicks quickly out.
Naket gets up off the mat and tags in Revenant, Chef looks back to Franky, but decides to take on Revenant instead of making the tag. Chef immediately kicks Revenant with the flat of his foot, before hitting him with a round kick to the side. Revenant goes for a uppercut to the chin, but the Chef lets fly with an arm drag, throwing Revenant to the floor. Revenant quickly gets up, but Chef drives him back with a slap across the chest; Revenant goes for the uppercut again, and this time it connects, he follows up quickly with a round kick of his own. He drags Chef's legs away with a takedown, and starts to punch him on the ground, but the ref drags him off. Chef gets up and rebounds off the ropes going for a clothesline, but Revenant puts his boot up and catches Chef straight in the chest, driving him down to the mat. Revenant picks him up and grapples him in a Northern Lights Suplex, the ref counts: 1. 2. but Franky runs in and breaks it up. The ref now distracted by getting Franky out, Revenant hits Chef with a drop headbutt straight to the groin. He picks Chef back up, and goes for a sidewalk slam, but the Chef retaliates with an eye rake, distracting Revenant, he runs to tag in Franky, but Revenant clotheslines him down, blocking his route of escape. He picks Chef up and throws him over the ropes in order to get a bit of a breather.
Chef gets up off the outside mats, only to be kicked in the head by Scott Naket, before being rolled back into the ring. Revenant picks Chef up and goes for an inverted atomic drop, but Chef rolls around being Revenant, but Revenant counters Chef's counter by Snap Mereing him over his left shoulder. He grabs Chef by the neck and hits him with his special Chokeslam, named Cloaked Death, but unwittingly holds him up near Franky who blindtags himself into the ring as the Chef gets slamed to the mat, the ref sees the tag and allows him in. As Revenant looks up, he only see's Franky's foot as he Mafia Kicks him upside the head. Franky goes for the cover, but the ref is distracted getting the Chef out the ring. Suddenly, Franky is grabbed by the neck and lifted himself, this time in the centre of the ring, as Revenant hits him the Cloaked Death as well. Revenant goes for the cover, but the ref is still dealing with Chef. Revenant goes over the Chef to throw his unconscious body out the ring, but as he bends down to roll him out, the Chef hits him with a low blow, and Franky goes for the schoolboy roll-up, the ref counts: 1. 2. but Naket dropkicks Franky, making him release the move. The ref gets Naket back to his corner, and Revenant follows him, quickly tagging his partner in.
Naket hits Franky with a quick jab, and then another, but Franky slips down and sweep's Naket's legs away. Naket gets up and knees Franky in the side, before elbowing him in the centre of the back. He drops an elbow on Franky before going for the cover: 1. but Franky easily kicks out. Franky gets back up and starts hitting Naket with left and rights, but Naket gets tired of it, and spears Franky to the ground, he hooks Franky's legs up in a figure four leglock. Franky tries to break free, but cannot, so he begins to edge his way back to his own corner, where Chef seems to have regained his senses. Franky still edges closer, and the Chef reaches out his hand, but at that point Revenant runs in, and Naket breaks up the hold, Revenant smashes Franky with Go Straight To Hell, but Chef just manages to tag his falling partner's body, and runs in hitting the Filet Mignon straight away on Naket, he goes to cover, but Revenant, who still hasn't left the ring, grabs Chef by the neck and goes for another Cloaked Death, but suddenly Revenant drops to the floor, after having been struck in the back of the head by a rather nice Italian designer shoe being welded by the now hopping Franky (but only as he tries to put the shoe back on). Franky points at Naket, and Chef goes to cover him again, the ref counts: 1. 2. 3.
Winners: Da Wize Guys Time: 8:02
Dave: So, Chef and Franky the Mook will take on The Blood Brothers at Shanghai-ed for the tag team titles.
Jeff: Speaking of the Blood Brothers
Brock Newbludd and Steven Blood emerge from the back and sprint towards the ring. The two men slide into the ring and pair off with Franky and Chef respectively. A moment later, HAC and Hardknocks Chris Allen charge from the back and join the fray. The six men brawl continuously until a sea of security and referees flood the ring to restore order and separate the six men.
Dave: Well, if that doesn't set the platter for things in the days to come, nothing will. Ok, we are going to head to a commercial, but when we return, we will go to our Tampex Main Event of the Evening, where The Reverend Jon Hull will defend the PCW World Title against Lackostress and Trashcan Man. We will be right back!
(Commercial: Tampex: Soaking up red goo since before you were born)
Dave: (excitedly) OK welcome back. This just took place moments ago.
The scene shifts to the back where The Reverend Jon Hull is shown walking through the halls approaching the entryway. In the corner of the screen a graphic reads "Moments Ago"
Suddenly, there is a whipping sound, and a towel whips the PCW World Champ in the eye. Rev lets out a scream and clutches at his stinging eye. The camera pans out to reveal the towel holding culprit is Lackostress.
LoS begins hammering away on Rev until his momentum is stopped by a trashcan being smashed over his skull by Trashcan Man. Security personnel then rush in to separate the trio.
The three men continue to try to get to each other, battering PCW in the process. Finally, The Phantom Booker appears with Jon Kano flanking him. TPB pulls out a microphone.
TPB: You know, if you three guys can't play by the rules, I suppose I will have to change them. I hereby declare this match, a falls count anywhere, no disqualification match!
The Phantom Booker tosses down his mic and walks off.
The scene fades to black.
The scene reopens, to show Trashcan Man hammering Lackostress with rights hands in the back stage area. The Moments Ago graphic has been replaced by a "Live"
graphic.
Dave: Ok, we are back live, and as you just heard, this is gonna be a falls count anywhere, no disqualification match for the title.
Trashcan Man continues to pound away on LoS then sends him head first into a SUUUUURGE machine, the logo of which has been digitized out. TCM then grabs LoS again and smashes his head into the machine again, this time sending LoS's through the decorative plastic front cover of the machine. Several sodas fall out of the machine and run down LoS's back.
TCM picks up a SUUUUURGE and pops it open. He is about to gulp it down when Kid Wonder appears and snatches it away from him.
Kid Wonder: Thank you!
Kid Wonder then places a can of Shazbot Orange soda into TCM's hand and walks off.
TCM begins gulping down the artificially flavored and colored Shazbot soda, but never gets a chance to finish it, as Rev slams a steel chair down across the former sanitation worker's back causing him to spill orange soda all over the front of his already stained and soiled sanitation worker's outfit.
Dave: That'll leave a stain.
Steven: A little bit of club soda will get that out.
Rev follows up with another chair shot, this time to the skull, sending TCM down. Rev the picks up TCM and hits him with a pile driver to the concrete floor. Rev makes the cover.1.2.No! LoS makes the save. Rev gets to his feet and moves towards LoS. LoS backs away and begs off.
Suddenly the high pitched sound of a moped engine is heard. Rev looks up just in time to catch a baseball bat shot to the chin from a speeding past Miyagawa on a moped. Rev goes down like a ton of bricks. LoS makes the cover1.2.no, he barely kicks out.
LoS complaines about a slow count. LoS picks up a groggy Rev and hits him with the Vinegar Stroke! LoS makes the cover again.1..2.No!!! TCM stomps on the hand of LoS, breaking the count.
TCM picks up LoS by his hair and hits him with a scoop slam.
Jeff: Ewe! He just scoop slammed him. Who knows what LoS wear's or doesn't wear beneath that towel.
There is a moment of dead air.
Steven: What? Even I don't want to know what he is wearing under there. He just doesn't look clean.
Jeff: Yeah, and Shadowman is a picture of cleanliness, I'm sure.
Meanwhile, TCM sets up two steel chairs and picks up both Rev and LoS. He puts one man under each arm and delivers a double DDT, sending both men's heads down onto the steel chairs. TCM looks down at both men, deciding which one to cover.
Jeff: I bet this moment of indecision comes back to haunt him.
TCM decides to cover Rev1..2No! Rev barely kicks out. TCM covers LoS.1..2.No! LoS kicks out! A frustrated TCM stomps away a few times on Rev then picks up LoS. He delivers a series of knife edged chops which drive LoS back into a candy vending machine. TCM follows up by pounding LoS's head against the side of the machine 3, 4, then 5 times. Seemingly satisfied, he sets LoS and hits him with the Pyro Driver to the concrete floor. Instead of making the cover, TCM decides to climb to the top of the SUUUUURRGEE machine and go for the kill.
Dave: Leg drop or big splash?
Jeff: Uh.I say flying headbutt.
The flabby TCM has trouble pulling himself to the top of the machine, so he gets a steel chair to give him a boost. He places the steel chair in front of the machine and climbs onto the chair then boosts himself to the top of the machine. TCM then dives off the machine.
Jeff: Looking like headbutt from the way he is falling!
Dave: Look!
Rev has grabbed LoS's foot and pulls him out of the way. A sickening thud is heard as TCM's head hits the concrete floor. Rev crawls over and makes the cover.1..2.No! Somehow, someway, TCM kicks out. Rev picks TCM up and signals for The Exorcism. He puts him up, but mid move, LoS hits him with a double axe handle across the back, sending Rev head first into a nearby table.
LoS sees TCM is nearly out, so goes for a cheap cover.1no, TCM kicks out. LoS locks on a camel clutch type submission manuever. TCM holds his arm up to fight the hold. The ref is asking if he wants to quit. TCM says no. LoS continues to lock on the hold. TCM won't quit. The ref forces LoS to break the hold.
LoS is frustrated. He picks up TCM and sets him up for the Vinegar Stroke. Then, mustering up one last burst of energy, Rev rushes forward and crotch smacks LoS, simutaneously rolling him up.1.2.3!!!!
Winner and still PCW Champion: Reverend Jon Hull Time: 11:18
Dave: Wow!! A clean finish! The Reverend retains the World Title by the skin of his teeth
Jeff: More like by the softness of Lackostress's nuts.
Dave: Well it was no DQ!
Jeff: Shouldn't that be my line.
Dave: Ok we are out of time. For the entire PCW Broadcast Team, I am Dave Kern. We will see you on Friday from New Foundland Canada. Good night everyone!
The show closes as referee Speedy Riggs holds The Reverend's hand high in victory. In the background we see Doug Troy's last remaining Koala sniffing around the opening in LoS's towel causing it to recoil and run back into DT's locker room and into its cage, as the show fades to black.