PCW Tuesday Turmoil Results for March 13th, 2001
Live from the Core States Spectrum in Philadelphia, PA
The show fades in from black to show PCW's top cruiserweight contender, Fallen, running through the backstage area of the arena, looking over his shoulder towards the camera as the theme from the movie "Jaws" plays in the background. The sound of labored breathing can be heard coming from behind the camera, leading us to believe we are viewing the scene through someone else's eyes, as opposed to from the view of a camera.
A complete look of fear covers Fallen's face as he sprints through the backstage area, constantly looking back at whoever is following him. He darts left, and ducks through a doorway, into a cluttered hallway, full of janitorial equipment.
The breathing of the pursuer gets faster and the music grows faster. Fallen looks back on last time, and trips over a mop, falling to the floor.
The music continues to speed up.
The prone Fallen looks back at the camera, puts his hand up in front of his face and lets out a scream.which is abruptly halted, along with the music, as the scene cuts abruptly to black.
The usual opening for Tuesday Turmoil depicting PCW wrestlers in action faded into the backdrop of a ruined and burning city begins. Wrestlers highlighted are Lord Crom Griffin Dagoth, JJ, Chris Allen, The Can-Am Connection and "The Mack" Ed Novak.
The scene shifts to the inside of the arena at the jam packed Corestates Spectrum as pyros shoot off from the ceiling ring posts and entry way and "Refugee" from U2 pounds out of the PA system.
Cameras begin zooming around the arena, taking samples of the crowd. The first stop on the camera is on an overweight woman, with teased up bleach-blonde and the letter A embroidered on her shirt holding up a sign which reads "Doug Troy is a (digitally blurred)"
The second person lucky enough to catch a few moments of air time is non-other then Philadelphia's own DJ Jazzy Jeff who is holding up a sign which reads "I made Wil Smith the man he is today."
The camera begins to pan away, but DJ Jazzy Jeff runs back into the scene and flips his sign around. The back of the sign reads "Visit my shoe shine stand on 5th and Locust."
Finally the camera comes to rest on a Dikembe Mutumbo, Allen Iverson and Tyrone Hill of the Philadelphia 76ers. Mutumbo is holding up a sign which reads "Chris Allen, Chris Sloboda, Boda, whateverI still dunked on his ass."
The scene then shifts to the announce table where the three tenors of PCW are waiting to call tonight's action.
Dave Kern: Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of PCW Tuesday Turmoil. I am Dave Kern and alongside me are the "Amigos of Announce" Jeff Marx and Steven Smith. We are coming to you live
Jeff: (interrupting) Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!! Hold up! The "Amigos of Announce?" Have you been moonlighting as the dialogue writer for Barney the gay, purple dinosaur?
Steven: (quickly) Barney's gay? I thought he was genderless?
Dave: Would you two just shut up! I apologize to all our younger viewers at home for Jeff's comments about Barney. Tonight on Turmoil we have perhaps one of the wildest in the history of PCW on the docket for tonight as massive tornado tag match featuring representatives of all of the top stables in PCW will take part.
Jeff: Well, if DAMN's in it, that can't be true.
Dave: (sighing) Ok, we are ready to head to the ring for our first match of the evening, so lets send it up to Clay Clayborne.
"Zero" by Smashing Pumpkins hits the PA system as Flaymin Aymin makes his way to the ring.
Clay: Making his way to the ring residing from Sydney, Australia and weighing in at 245 lbs. Flaymin Aymin!
"Come out and play" by the Offspring hits the PA and out walks Jack Davis.
Clay: And his opponent from the Combat Zone, weighing in at 285 lbs., Jack Davis!
(Both men are in the ring and lock up. Davis being the bigger man throws FA into the turnbuckle with ease. He follows up on him with several elbows to the side of FA's head. He pulls FA out and irish whips him to the opposite turnbuckle. FA hits with such force that he falls to the mat face first on impact. He cringes in pain on the mat. JD moves in methodically. FA pulls JD's legs right out from under him. He holds onto the right leg and attempts to wrap around it with a figure four leg lock. JD blocks it and kicks FA through the second rope and onto the outside. JD rolls outside as well to follow pursuit. 1JD attempts to irish whip FA into the ring steps.2.FA reverses it sending JD into the steps head first.3.FA follows up by slamming JD's head into the steps repeatedly.4..5.FA jumps on the guardrail then turns and lands a missile dropkick to JD's chest.6.JD is down on the outside.7.Aymin rolls under the ropes beating the count.8.JD is up.9.He barely slides under the ropes to beat the count.
Jeff: Jack Davis kinda sucks. How did he make it into PCW.
Dave: I heard he came highly recommended.
Jeff: From who, CCW?
Dave: Who you kidding. A guy like Davis would rule CCW.
FA continues to kick at a dazed JD. He pulls JD up to his feet and sends him into the ropes. FA ducks behind JD and wraps his arms around attempting a german suplex. He can't lift JD up. JD swings his elbows at FA wildly landing twice. FA falls backwards. JD runs to the ropes on the other side, giving himself some momentum. FA does a backwards roll to his feet. JD attempts a running lariat, FA ducks, again wraps his arms around JD and this time hauls the big man up and over into a german suplex. FA with a pin. 12JD barely kicks out! FA is right back to work on JD. JD swings a desperate clothesline attempt, FA ducks, kicks JD in the gut and hit him with Ground Zero! FA goes for the pin. 123!
Winner: Flaymin Aymin Time: 3:56
Dave: So Flaymin Aymin shows why he is the #1 Contender for the TV Belt with an impressive win over newcomer Jack Davis.
Jeff: Hell, even JJ could look impressive against Davis.
Dave: Well, let's not get carried away.
Jeff: Did you just make a joke?
Dave: No. I was dead serious.
The sound of Jeff laughing can be heard in the background.
Dave: We are going to head to a commercial. We'll be right back.
(Commercial: PCW Spring Fling, April 8th, 2001, Live and only on Pay Per View. Call your local cable company or satellite provider to order today!)
The scene fades Trashcan Man and Bang arriving backstage. As they walk along the corridor, Bang ducks into the toilets to take a leak, while TCM continues on his way to their dressing room.
TCM's eyes almost pop out of his head when his path is blocked by a gorgeous looking curvy blonde. She is wearing a cropped white tank top with black rubber hot pants and matching knee length boots.
BLONDE: "Wow! Trashcan Man! I love you so much, you're so manly and macho. I just love how gravelly your voice is when you sing karaoke."
TCM: "Um...thanks."
When Trashy's eyes finally scan far enough up the blonde's body to get to her face, he notices something unusual about her. She is wearing a black face mask, covering the area around her eyes and the bridge of her nose.
TCM: "Hey, what's up with the mask? You haven't been horribly burned or something, have you? Why, if that Clyde's attacked another one of my fans, I swear I'll..."
BLONDE: "Oh no, it's nothing like that. It's just that I'm also a huge fan of the Super Duper Masked Jobber Queen as well, so I thought if I dressed like her she might give me an autograph."
TCM: "Oh....right."
The blonde moves closer in to TCM, rubbing her hand on his chest.
BLONDE: "I don't like her as much as I like you though. Trashy...I feel kinda silly asking you this....but could I have an autograph?"
TCM: "Sure!"
TCM pulls a slip of paper from his pocket, and writes his signature on it.He also adds his hotel room number to the bottom, and hands it to the blonde. The girl giggles, but then hesitates.
TCM: "What's wrong?"
BLONDE: "Well...I'm really grateful and all....but I didn't want you to sign THAT."
TCM looks at her in confusion.
BLONDE: "I want you to sign THESE!"
The girl pulls her crop top up over her head to reveal a huge pair of...'Media censored' stickers covering her breasts. As TCM takes a step back, he is waffled in the back of the head by a barbed-wire covered chair which closely resembles the infamous BOB. As TCM falls to the ground, we see BOB move further into the shot, being wielded not by Ed Novak, but by PCW Continental champion Dan Hollywood. The blonde girl pulls her mask off to reveal Buffy Vegas. Dan steps over the fallen TCM.
DH: "So you think you're a survivor, TCM? Only you and the cockroaches left when Armageddon hits, right? Well, that may be so, but Armageddon's gonna come BEFORE you ever get your hands on my Continental belt. And until Armageddon, the cockroaches aren't safe, and you sure as hell aren't safe from Media. If you're stupid enough to show up on Friday, don't be surprised if we CANCEL your ass!"
Buffy throws her mask down on TCM's fallen body, and Hollywood puts his arm round her as they walk off with BOB
Dave: (disgusted) Did you see that?! Trashcan Man just got leveled by the Continental Champion Dan Hollywood! Despicable!
Jeff: (disgusted) Did you see that?! Buffy Vegas just teased nippage and didn't deliver! Completely unacceptable!
Steven: (disgusted) Did you see that?! I have absolutely nothing to add here!
Dave sighs.
Dave: Let's head to the ring for our next match of the evening.
Clay: Already in the ring at this time, standing at 6 feet 10 inches tall and weighing 295 lbs., Jack McGriff!
(McGriff turns and raises his arms above his head.)
Clay: And his opponent.
(The lights dim as a heartbeat is heard...on the PCWTron, a blue cardiagram line beats with the heart...then it fades into a flashing mantage of Slade's logo and highlights as the heartbeat fades into the beginning of Sweet Dreams. Then with the beat of the music huge pyros go off and then settle into large electric blue flames on both sides of the ramp and Slade steps out pausing and posing for a moment between the blue flames as they die down. The music continues as the lights are brought back up and Slade makes his way down to the ring.)
Clay: Hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada, Slade!
(Slade steps into the ring but is immediately met by several forearms to the back of the head from McGriff. JM clubs Slade down to the mat. He picks Slade up but sends him back to the mat with a snap suplex. JM pulls Slade up again, but sends him down again with a huge Sambo suplex.
Dave: A Sambo suplex!
Jeff: What the hell is a Sambo suplex?
Dave: (basfully) I'm not really sure.
McrGriff with the cover. 12.Slade easily kicks out. McGriff back on the attack. He pulls Slade up and begins to punch away at him. Slade answers back with a big chop across the chest of JM. JM responds with a heavy right hand that sends Slade back to the mat. JM picks Slade up and sends him into the ropes and meets him with a big boot to the face. He pulls Slade up and sends him into the turnbuckle. JM climbs to the second turnbuckle and begins to hammer away at Slade. 1,2,3,4.Slade nails a low blow on McGriff.
Jeff: When you are overmatched by a big guy like McGriff, its always a good idea to go downstairs to keep a big guy "honest."
Steven: Agreed. Boca went down low on me and made and honest man of me.
Jeff: You're a jackass.
McGriff falls off of the second rope and to the mat in pain. Slade climbs up to the second rope and tries to hit a knee drop. JM moves out of the way last second. Slade clutches his knee in pain. JM, still grimacing from the low blow, moves in for the kill on Slade. He grabs both of Slade's legs and locks him in a sharpshooter. Slade is in agony and he reaches for the ropes. He pulls McGriff with him as he crawls to the nearest ropes. He's almost there. Almost. He lunges with all that he has left and reaches the bottom rope. The ref calls for JM to break the hold. JM obliges. Slade pulls himself back to his feet with the ropes. He turns to be met by a stiff right hand from JM. Followed by another and another. JM irish whips Slade to the opposite of the ring, Slade bounces back with a wild diving lariat that connects hard on JM sending him to the mat. Both men are down. 123456Both start to move to their knees7McGriff is almost up as Slade again supports himself with the ropes8McGriff is up ending the count. He charges at Slade who back body drops JM over the top rope and onto the floor. Slade steps outside the ring. They are close to the announcer table.
Dave: Whoa!
Jeff: Fire in the hole!
Slade whips JM into the announcers table and clotheslines him over it.
Jeff, Steven, and Dave jump to safety.
Slade keeps in pursuit over the announcers table.
Jeff: Someone grab me a can of Raid!
The ref is out to try to talk them back into the ring. Slade ignores him. Slade is laying in some heavy rights to JM's jaw. The ref gives up and slides back into the ring to begin the count. 12Slade picks JM up into a Manhattan drop3JM is down on the outside4Slade pulls JM back up5He tries to whip him into the ring post, but JM reverses it sending Slade in face first6Both men are down again7Slade is slowly back up8Slade slides under the ropes stopping the count as JM gets up to his feet. Slade is on the apron outside of the ropes. He charges at JM and hits a jumping, swinging ddt! He pulls JM up and slides him back under the ropes. Both men are in the ring now. JM gets to his feet and tries to rush Slade but is met with a Spinebuster! Slade pulls JM up to his feet and attempts to whip him into the ropes, but JM reverses. He ducks down for a back body drop too soon and is caught with The Sweet Dreams. He follows up by snapping on THE SLADE STRETCH in the middle of the ring. The ref is down to check on JM.
Dave: Look at the intensity on McGriff's face! I've never seen anyone stay in the Slade Stretch this long without tapping out!
Steven: My Boca can go for hours with getting tapped out.
Jeff: Jackass
McGriff screams out in pain.then finally taps out.
Winner: Slade Time: 6:02
Dave: So Slade continues his winning ways with a victory over Jack McGriff, but guys, I think you'd have to agree McGriff is a good looking addition to the PCW locker room.
Jeff: Eh.he's ok.
Steven: I don't think he's handsome at all, and I believe I am the person best qualified to judge.
Dave sighs.
Jeff screams out in frustration.
Dave: We are going to head to a commercial. When we return, we will head to the ring where Cereal Killer will take on Doc Shock. We'll be right back.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Shazbot Orange Soda. Shazbot: The official soft drink of PCW.)
The show reopens as PCW Cruiserweight Champion Jake Keeton heading towards a Shazbot vending machine with the gleaming cruiserweight title belt around his waist.
Suddenly, the theme from the movie Jaws begins to play. Keeton looks around nervously for a moment, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled dollar bill and attempts to place into the automatic changer.
The music begins to speed up, while Keeton fidgets with the bill, which the machine apparently does not wish to change.
Keeton: Dag nabbit! Damn machine!
Keeton kicks the machine out of frustration, as the music continues to build. Keeton looks around again, then straightens out the dollar bill. He places the bill in the machine, and finally the machine accepts the bill. Keeton greedily rubs his hands together as the camera focuses directly onto the Shazbot Orange button. Keeton presses the button.
The music has now built to its crescendo. Keeton begins to reach down for the frosty can of Shazbot, which the camera moves in to get a close up of. Suddenly there is a scrappy noise behind Keeton, prompting the Five Star Five member to whirl around.
Keeton's face contorts in horror and he lets out a scream as a dark shadow darkens the entire picture. Suddenly, the scene becomes jumbled, and the sounds of a brief struggle are heard.
After about three seconds, the scene becomes clear again and Keeton is shown, lying on the floor, unconscious. The camera pans from Keeton's motionless form to the Shazbot machine, where the can of Shazbot is still sitting it the exit reciptical.
Voice from off camera: Mmmmmmmm!
An extremely fat hand reaches into the picture and grabs the can of Shazbot. The hand almost "presents" the can of Shazbot to the camera, allowing all the viewers at home to clearly view the can's label. After a moment, another exceptionally obese hand comes into the picture and pops the tab.
The can is then carried towards the camera, then out of the scene. A sound that could only be described as chugging can be heard. After about five seconds of chugging, the sounds stops.
Voice from off camera: (satisfied) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Then, suddenly, a thunderous belch, unlike any belch , any man, on any continent has ever heard is unleashed.
Off camera: BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The scene pans back over to the unmoving Keeton with the focus on the PCW Cruiserweight Title belt around his waste. The blubbery hand reaches into the picture and snatches the belt from around the cruiserweight champion's waist.
Voice from off camera: Mine!!!
The belt is lifted off camera and there is the sound of someone, or something, shuffle away.
The scene then shifts to a stunned announce team at ringside.
Jeff: What the hell was that?!?
Dave: I dunno but someone has been systematically stalking and injuring all of the top cruiserweights in PCW, now this person has stolen the cruiserweight title belt! We are going to send our Sandy Wong to the back to try to figure out what is going on. For now, we are going to send it up to Cal for our next match of the evening.
Clay: Already in the ring from Edinburgh, Scotland, weighing 282 lbs. Cerial Killer!
("Meaning of Life" by Disturbed plays over the PA system as the lights go dim, and electric explosions are seen from the ring entrance. Doc Shock begins to make his way toward the ring.)
Clay: His opponent from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, weighing in at 221 lbs., and represents Death Row, Doc Shock!
(Doc Shock is in the ring and charges after Cerial Killer but is met by a big boot to the face. Shock collapses on the mat from the blow. Shock starts to stand back up but very warily as CK springs off the ropes and nails a running bulldog on DS. CK covers. 12Doc Shock barely kicks out.
Dave: Cereal Killer almost made quick work of Doc Shock with that running bulldog.
Jeff: Not quick enough for my taste. Someone get Doc Shock out of there.
DS starts to attempt to brawl his way out of the trouble he's in with CK, but his punches don't seem to have much effect. DS attempts to perform a Russian leg sweep on CK, but is elbowed in the side of the head by CK. CK pulls DS up into suplex position. He holds DS up in the air and then finally drops him, perfectly executing the stalling suplex. Shock tries to worm his way out of the ring, but is caught by CK before he can make it out. CK pulls DS back in and sends him into the turnbuckle. He follows through, crushing DS' body. DS lays limply in the turnbuckle but CK helps hold him up. CK places DS on the top rope, follows him up and hits a belly to belly suplex from the top rope! CK back up on the top rope. He measures the beaten DS up and goes for a diving head butt. DS just barely moves out of the way. Both men begin to struggle to their feet. DS is up first and charges at CK who kicks him in the gut and nails the Snap-Crackle-Pop (Crucifix DDT) on DS! He pulls DS close to the turnbuckle and climbs to the top. He leaps off and nails THE FRUIT LOOPED! CK with the cover. 1...23!
Winner: Cerial Killer Time: 3:08
Dave: So Cerial Killer defeats Doc Shock easily.
Jeff: LOOK!!!
Suddenly, Carl Cash hops over the guardrail and slides into the ring. He is carrying a cloth sack emblazoned with a dollar sign on it with him. Cereal Killer is facing away from the position Cash entered from so he doesn't notice him.
Dave: Look out!
Cash twirls the bag around, which obviously has some heavy objects in it. Cereal Killer turns around just in time to catch a sack shot in the face from Cash. Cereal Killer drops like Dick Van Allen in those old Stop, Drop and Roll movies, except he does roll. He just lies there.
Dave: OH MY GOD!!!
Jeff: I haven't seen a sack shot like that since Big Gooey Sac was in PCW.
Dave: Let's not even discuss him.
Steven: He I wonder if he's working anywhere?
Jeff: Yeah, he's wrestling for Five Star Wrestling.
The three announcers begin cracking up.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Cash celebrates over the fallen body of Cereal Killer. He turns the money bag upside down over Cereal Killer's motionless body and out fall dozens of rolls of quarters.
The fans boo. DJ Jazzy Jeff hops the guardrail and attempts to grab at the quarters, but PCW security grab him before he can get his sticky paws on even a single roll.
Jeff: (sniffing the air, sarcastically) Smell them ratings!
Dave: Hopefully security can get things under control while we head to a commercial. We'll be right back.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Clorox Bleach. Clorox Bleach: The official hair dye of wrestling)
Dave: Welcome back to Turmoil. We have a bit of bad news, as paramedics had to be called to cart awat Cereal Killer, after he took that blow from a sack full of quarters by Carl Cash.
Jeff: It's a tough business. Sometimes injuries happen.
Dave: (argumentative) But when they happen like that, it's completely unacceptable.
Jeff: Says you.
Dave: (sighing, disgusted) Let's to the ring for our next match of the evening, so lets send it up to Clay Clayborne.
("Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana hits as the team of AJ, Jay, and Mike, The Storm Brothers, come out.)
Clay: The following is a triangle tag team match. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 635 pounds, AJ, Jay, and "Amazing" Mike Storm.......THE STORM BROTHERS
("Killing in the Name" by RATM hits the speakers as the trio of Death Row comes out)
Clay: Their opponents, at a combined weight of 766 pounds, Intoxicator, Doc Shock, and Death.......DEATH ROW
("My Own Prison" hits as Spawn comes out)
Clay: And their opponents, first, from Death Valley, at a weight of 300 pounds......."THE PHENOM" SPAWN
("Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen hits as TRiP and Kaoblivion come out with Brown Sugar)
Clay: His tag team partners, being accompanied to the ring by the PCW T&A champion Brown Sugar, at a combined weight of 519 pounds.......TRIP and KAOBLIVION
DS and Kao are the two men that start the match off. The two men look at eachother before locking up. DS wrenches the arm of Kao, but Kao quickly gets out of it with a hard chop to the chest of DS immediately taking him down. DS holds his chest, then crawls over to his corner and tags in Intox. Intox reluctantly comes in against Kao and locks up with him. They're locked up for all of 3 seconds before Kao just pushes Intox to the mat. Kao then gets all over Intox as he's down. He backs him into his own corner and tags in Spawn.
Dave: Kaoblivion, TriP and Spawn look to be working well together in there.
Jeff: This match sucks. Wake me when there is some real talent in there, like DA MAN, Clyde!
Spawn and Kao double-team on the unfortunate Death Row member. They pull the battered man up and send him into the other corner. Intox starts staggering out as Kao grabs Spawn. Kao whips Spawn towards the corner. Spawn charges towards Intox with a full head of speed. Intox, in a last ditch effort, hits Spawn with a drop toe hold dropping his face onto the bottom turnbuckle. As Intox gets up, AMS reaches over and tags himself in. Intox stares at AMS as he comes in and locks a camel clutch on Spawn. Spawn easily grabs the ropes and AMS gets off of him. Once AMS gets up, Intox spins him around and starts yelling at him. AMS, having heard enough, kicks Intox, then drops him with a DDT right onto Spawn's groin as he's rolling over. AMS then pulls Intox up and tosses him out of the ring. AMS tags in Jay.
Jay and AMS set Spawn up on the middle turnbuckle. Both men then go up there with him and come off with a huge superplex. Jay covers Spawn as AMS leaves the ring, 1......2.....TRiP in to break it up.
Dave: Did you see that Superplex executed by Mike and Jay Storm?
Jeff: Do I look like Mr. Magoo?
Jay stomps on Spawn some as referee Bob Charlie escorts TRiP back to his corner. Jay pulls Spawn up and goes to send him into the ropes, but Spawn reverses. Jay bounces off the ropes and AJ makes a blind tag in. Spawn tries catching Jay with a clothesline, but he ducks it. Brown Sugar then grabs Jay's ankle as he bounces off the ropes again. Jay turns around and says something to her. In the meantime, Spawn charges at Jay, but Jay sees him and hits him with a big back body drop over the top rope. Brown Sugar quickly runs away nearly missing being crushed by the 300 pound Spawn.
Dave: Brown Sugar was nearly turned into Brown Glucose by Spawn.
Jeff: I'd like to spawn with Brown Sugar.
Dave: Who wouldn't?
Steven: Me!
Spawn lays outside the ring slow to get up. DS and Death from Death Row run over and start attacking him. Jay leaves the ring and goes after DS and Death. Kao hops off the apron and helps in the attack of DS and Death. AMS also heads over there and a 3 on 2 against two of the Death Row members ensues. As you can guess, DS and Death end up getting beat down.
Jeff: Death Row is on beatdown row, ladies and gentlmen.
Inside the ring, Intox has rolled back in. He starts to come up behind AJ inside the ring. TRiP has also entered the ring and is lining up AJ. TRiP comes forward and goes to hit AJ with Magically Delicious, but AJ ducks and TRiP makes solid contact with the jaw of Intox knocking him out instantly. TRiP turns around to face AJ but AJ kicks him, then tosses him from the ring. AJ then looks down at the knocked out Intox. He pulls Intox up and hits him with a sit out powerbomb leading right into THE EYE OF THE STORM. Kao and TRiP try getting in to break the bone crushing hold, but Jay and AMS stop them.
Intox taps out inside the ring.
WINNERS: The Storm Brothers Time: 8:42
Dave: So the Storm Brothers score a victory in the City of Brotherly Love.
Steven: Last night I found out first hand why they call it the City of Brotherly Lovewell not first hand, more like first
Dave: (interrupting) We get the picture!
Jeff: I didn't. Must be that mental block my mind throws up every time Steven speaks.
Steven: Huh? What do you mean.
Jeff: (ignoring Steven, singing) Lucy in the sky, with diamonds! Lucy in the sky with diamonds!!
Dave: (sighing) We are gonna keep it right here and head to the ring for our next match of the evening.
Jeff: (fakely) YEAH!!! JJ is in this match!!! He friggin' rules, as all the fans at home will see.
Dave: I am sure there is a certain segment of our viewing audience who tune in just to see JJ and his zany antics in the ring.
Jeff: Yeah, like his mom and his boyfriend.
Dave: Don't spread rumors about JJ, Jeff.
Jeff: Come on. You know JJ is spreading his ass the way you spread margarine on your Thomas' English Muffin in the morning.
Steven: Ooooo.Margarine will cause a nasty rash if used as a lubricant. KY Jelly is much safer and makes for better gliding action.
Jeff: (freaking out) GLIDING ACTION!?!? What the f.
Dave: (interrupting, taking control) WHOA!!!! Looky there! We have to send it up to Clay right now!
The lights in the arena go out, and silver dollar signs flash all over, "Da Rockwilder" by Method man and Redman blares over the loud speakers and Carl Cash walks out from the back.
Clay Clayborne: Now making his way to the ring at this time. He weighs in at 250 pounds and hails from Flint, Michigan.....CARL CASH!!!!
"Da Bomb" by The Bucketheads blasts over the sound system. JJ enters doing a robot like dance to the music towards the left of the stage. He heads back right, still doing the robot dance, then stops in the center and walks down the ramp, smiling at the audience. He stops right in front of the ring, looks back at the entranceway, then looks at the ring and smiles. He then slides under the bottom rope into the ring. He leaps to his feet, comes to the center of the ring and starts doing the Macarena, then stops in the middle of his dance and gets a "what the hell?" kind of look on his face.
Clay Clayborne: His opponent, he hails from Wutdahell, Idaho........JJ!!!!!!!!
Steven: Yah, JJ!!! JJ is now my favorite wrestler in PCW!!
JJ and Carl Cash circle on another then move in and lock horns. Cash takes advantage and drives JJ back into the corner. Cash pulls away as if he is going to give a clean break the suddenly starts delivering a series of quick jabs to JJ. Cash finishes the combo with a big right hand that rocks JJ back. Cash grabs JJ and delivers a huge hip toss to the center of the ring. JJ bounces of the mat then grabs at his back riving in pain. Cash moves in for the kill. Cash stomps JJ with a few well placed boots. Cash picks JJ up and whips him into the ropes...Cash drills JJ to the mat with a big lariat. Cash measures JJ up and drops a pinpoint elbow, Carl Cash covers................1.....................2.........JJ kicks out. Cash pulls JJ to his feet and deposits him over the top rope to the floor. Carl Cash steps through the ropes and goes onto the floor where JJ is pulling himself to his feet using the ring apron. Carl Cash grabs JJ and sends him crashing into the steel guardrail. JJ slouches down resting with his upper body on the guardrail. Carl Cash climbs back onto the apron.....Cash leaps off with a double axe handle but JJ moves causing Cash to nail the steel guardrail. JJ grabs Cash and sends him crashing into the steel ring steps head first. JJ grabs Cash and holds him against the steel ring post. JJ winds up and let's go a vicious right hand.......DING!!!
The Crowd: OOOOOOOH!
Kern: OOH, Carl Cash moved!!
JJ hops around frantically trying to shake the pain out of his hand.
Steven: JJ! Over here! Let me kiss it all better!
Carl Cash grabs JJ and tosses him back into the ring. Cash enters the ring and clubs JJ with a forearm. JJ stumbles away still shaking and grabbing at his hand. Carl Cash grabs JJ and hoists him up on his shoulder....running powerslam....1......2.....JJ kicks out! Carl Cash pulls JJ to his feet and goes to press JJ up but JJ slides out the back door and kicks Carl Cash low. Cash doubles over right into the grip of a JJ ddt. JJ covers..........1..................2...........Carl Cash kicks out at 2 and a half. JJ quickly climbs to the top rope and perches as he waits for Cash to get to his feet.......JJ leaps into the air with a high cross body............1..........................2............Carl Cash kicks out. JJ quickly gets up and runs to the ropes and springboards off the middle ropes delivering a back elbow drop onto Carl Cash. JJ covers..............1................2.........kick out by Cash.
Dave: JJ just can't put Cash away.
Jeff: I bet it Cash wanted to put something away in JJ, he'd let him.
Steven giggles.
JJ pulls Cash to his feet. JJ sends Cash into the corner. JJ charges in at Cash but Cash catches JJ and shoots him into the air, JJ comes crashing down face first onto the top turnbuckle. Cash walks off shaking the cobwebs from JJ's offensive attack then turns his attention back to JJ. Cash picks JJ up and sits him up on the top rope. Cash climbs to the second rope. Cash hooks JJ in for a super northern lights suplex.
Jeff: LOOK!
The camera shifts to the entryway, where former PCW wrestler LeShawn Spade has sprinted out of the back.
Dave: What's he doing here!?!
Cash goes for the move but JJ counters it into a hurricane DDT off the top! JJ crawls over and drapes his arm over Cash...........1................2..........Spade jumps up on the apron and distracts the ref. JJ squeals in protest.
The ref goes over and begins quarrelling with Spade. At the same time, PCW newcomer Scott "The Show Stoppa" Hunta exits the crowd on the opposite side of the ring. JJ fails to notice Hunta as he gets up to get the attention of the referee.
Hunta hops up onto the arpon, grabs the top rope, springing up to it then off of it, towards JJ and delivers a picture perfect springboard bulldog. JJ's head smashes into the mat with a sickening thud.
Steven: Hey! They're cheating!!
The ref is still in a heated debate with LeShawn Spade. Hunta flips JJ to his back and draps Cash's arm over top of JJ, then he slides out of the ring.
LeShawn Spade stops protesting and hops off of the apron. The ref turns around, and notices Cash covering JJ and counts..1..2.3!!!
Winner: Carl Cash Time: 6:06
Steven: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Jeff: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!
Dave: So Carl Cash wins what has turned out to be a tainted victory here tonight over JJ.
The camera shifts to the ring where LeShawn Spade and Scott Hunta are helping Carl Cash to his feet and out of the ring.
Dave: Are we looking at a new power group forming in PCW?
Jeff: Those three guys are all talented wrestlers, so if that's the case, the rest of PCW had better watch their backs.
Dave: Agreed. We need to head to a commercial. We'll be right back!
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Spam. Spam: The official advertising method of crappy feds everywhere.)
Dave: Welcome back to Turmoil. We are about to head to the ring for our next match of the evening, so lets send it up to the ring.
"The Way I Am" from Eminem blasts over the arena as Joe Cross and partner Chris Metal make their way down tot he ring.)
Clay Clayborne: Now making their way to the ring, Chris Metal and "Smoking" Joe Cross.
Dave: I thought Chris Metal had requested to be called Twisted Metal.
Jeff: I dunno, but internet fans are calling this impressive tag team the "Iron Cross." These guys may not have a heck of a lot in common, but they certainly have been effective in the ring.
The Rock Wilda" from Method Man/Redman hit over the arena as Myst and Justin Sane make their way to the ring.
Clay Clayborne: Their opponents now making their way to the ring, Myst and Justin Sane.
Metal and Myst start things off. Myst locks up with metal. Chris metal gets the advantage, he drives Myst back into the corner. Metal rears back and nails Myst with a stiff knife edge chop. Myst retaliates with a right hand. Metal fires in two hard knife edge chops that knock Myst up into the air and landing across the ropes. Metal steps back and delivers a hard kick to the back of Myst that lifts him off the ropes and back to the mat. Chris Metal whips Myst into his teams corner. Myst bounces out of the corner in a daze only to be drilled with a running lariat that drops him to the mat. Chris Metal quickly tags Joe Cross in. Cross gets in and goes to the second rope. Metal picks Myst up and delivers a back breaker as Cross comes off with a leg drop. Joe Cross covers.......1................2.........Myst gets his shoulder up! Joe Cross pulls Myst to his feet and delivers a scoop slam. Cross goes for an elbow drop but Myst rolls out of harms way. Myst begins to crawl to his teams corner. Cross gets to his feet and runs over to stop Myst but gets there to late as Myst tags in Justin Sane. Justin Sane comes in like a house of fire. Sane drills Cross with a big right hand that drops Joe Cross to the mat. Chris Metal runs in to put a halt to Sane's offense but is nailed by a kick to the gut followed by a ddt. Chris metal rolls back out to his corner. Sane gets to his feet and Cross tries to blindside him with a clothesline but Sane sidesteps and delivers a drop toe hold. Sane quickly moves up and slaps on a cross face submission hold.
Dave: Justin Sane adding a new move to his arsenal.
Jeff: Well, when your 0-5, you got try some different things.
Joe Cross gets in the ropes to break the hold. Justin Sane locks in an arm bar and pulls Cross back to his teams corner. Sane tags in Myst. Myst ascends to the top rope and drops down with a double axe handle to Cross arm. Cross stumbles away shaking his arm in pain. Myst quickly captalizes with a big dropkick that drops Cross to the mat. Joe Cross rolls out of the ring to the floor. Cross stands dazed a bit trying to recover. Myst climbs to the top turnbuckle to drop onto Cross but Chris metal runs up behind Myst and pushes him off the top....Myst lands hard midsection first on the guardrail.
The Crowd: Ooooooooooh!
Metal leaps off the ring apron and crahses down onto Myst's back with a leg drop!
Dave: OH MY GOD!!!
The Crowd: PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!!
Cross and Metal pull Myst off the guardrail and hold him against the ring apron and begin double teaming Myst with shots. Justin Sane quickly hops off the apron and blind sides Chris Metal with a big right hand. Chris Metal stumbles and falls head first into the steel ring steps. Justin Sane captalizes and begins reigning down on Metal with heavy right hands. Joe Cross runs behind Sane and delivers a low flying drop kick to the back of Sane's head, Sane flies forward and smashes off the steel steps.
Dave: Jesus, this match is brutal.
Jeff: It's great, ain't it!
Cross goes back to Myst but Myst welcomes him with an eye poke. Myst grabs Cross and tosses him back into the ring. Myst pulls himself onto the top rope. Myst signals to the crowd and that he is going to go for a spectacular move but suddenly Chris Metal shakes the top rope. myst drops down and is hung out to dry on the top turnbuckle. Chris Metal gets on the apron and Cross comes over and tags him in. Both men go to the second rope...................DOUBLE SUPERPLEX!!!! Metal covers Myst...................1.......................2...........................3!!!!
Winners: The Iron Cross (Metal and Cross) Time: 6:33
Dave: So Cross and Metal continue to roll. The unfortunate thing is they aren't even in the tag team tournament.
Jeff: I smell a three-way for Spring Fling.
Steven: I smell a three way between me, JJ and Boca TONIGHT!!!
Two loud, meaty smacks are heard followed my audible sobbing.
Dave: (sighing) We're going to head to a commercial. When we return, we'll be right back.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by Old Country Buffet and don't forget, nothing washes down plates, and plates of food than ice cold Shazbot.)
Dave: Welcome back to Turmoil.
Jeff: When did we resign Old Country Buffet as a sponsor. I thought we dumped them when we fired
Dave: (interrupting) a wrestler who we will not name, because he now under contract with another Fed Wars federation. We are going to head to the ring where Chet King and his cronies the West Sidaz will take on the PCW World Tag Team Champions The Blood Brothers and Duzza.
Jeff: Who did the Blood Brothers piss off to get stuck with Duzza as a partner?
Dave: (sighing) Let's head to the ring.
("Welcome Back My Friends" hits as the team of Da Westsidaz and the Homestead Extreme champion Chet King come out along with Daisy.)
Clay: The following is a 6-man tag team match. Introducing first, being accompanied to the ring by Daisy, at a combined weight of 625 pounds.......DA WESTSIDAZ and the PCW Homestead Extreme champion.......CHET KING "THE CHAT KING"
("Come With Me" by Puffy hits as Duzza comes out with Brittany)
Clay: And their opponents, first, being accompanied to the ring by Brittany, from Harlem, New York, at a weight of 232 pounds.......DUZZA
("Search and Destroy" from Metallica hits as The PCW Tag Team champions come out)
Clay: And his tag team partners, at a combined weight of 513 pounds, they are the current PCW Tag Team champions, Brock Newbludd and Stephen Blood.......THE BLOOD BROTHERS
SC and Duzza start things off. The two men go to lock up, but SC kicks him in the gut, then starts going to work on Duzza. SC backs Duzza up into the corner. SC with a few stiff chops to the chest of Duzza. Duzza gets pissed off with this, grabs SC, and tosses him into the corner. Duzza starts to pound away on SC in the corner, then he tags in BN. Duzza pulls SC out of the corner as BN heads up top. BN flies off and hits SC with a missile dropkick. Duzza exits the ring as BN goes after SC. SC crawls back and tags in Riptah.
Riptah and BN are now the legal men. They lock up. BN applies a wristlock on Riptah. Riptah counters his way out of it with a hammerlock onto BN. BN with an elbow to the chin of Riptah breaking the hold. BN hits Riptah with a few knife-edge chops backing him into the ropes. BN whips Riptah into the ropes and catches him with a tilt-a-whirl slam. BN makes a cover, 1......2....Riptah kicks out. BN pulls Riptah up, pulls him over to the corner, and tags in SB. SB grabs hold of Riptah and sends him into the ropes. When Riptah bounces off, CK makes a blind tag in. SB catches Riptah with a spinebuster, then starts pounding on his head. In the corner of his eye, he catches CK. CK springs off the top rope and hits SB with a springboard missile dropkick. CK covers SB, 1.....2....SB kicks out.
CK starts to hammer away on SB. He pulls one half of the tag champs up and pushes him into the corner. CK starts to kick away at SB. He goes to whip him into the other corner, but SB reverses. SB charges at CK as he goes into the corner, but CK gets his boot up. As SB staggers back, CK hops onto the middle turnbuckle. He comes off for an axehandle smash, but SB catches him. SB goes for a belly to belly suplex, but CK remains on his feet. He picks SB up and hits him with an inverted atomic drop. CK then goes to kick SB, but Blood catches Chet's foot. Chet turns this bad situation into a good one with an enziguri onto SB. CK makes a cover, 1.....2...BN breaks it up. CK pulls SB over to his corner and tags in Riptah.
Dave: A fine display of wrestling by the Extreme champ.
Jeff: That's the HOMESTEAD Extreme champ! Get it right you putz.
Riptah goes to the top rope as CK pulls SB up. CK whips him into the ropes and takes him down with a drop toehold. Riptah then comes off the top rope and drops a big elbow across the back of SB's head. Riptah makes a cover, 1.....2....BN and Duzza both come in to break it up. They continue to stomp on Riptah until referee Buzz Meacham stops them. With Buzz busy getting Duzza and BN out of the ring, CK and SC come in and, along with Riptah, triple-team SB. his goes on for a few moments until Buzz turns around and CK and SC leave the ring. Riptah pulls SB up and sends him into the corner. Riptah with a couple chops to SB's chest before tagging CK back in.
CK sets SB up on the top turnbuckle. He then goes up there with him. He says a couple things to the booing crowd, then goes for a top rope huricanrana, but SB blocks it and CK crashes down to the mat. SB heads up to the top in preparation for The Viscious Cycle seeing as how CK is down, but SC yanks SB's leg from out of under him. SB crotches the top turnbuckle, then falls down to the mat. CK, seeing as how he's in his own corner, tags in SC.
Dave: King and Da West Sidaz are working well together.
SC quickly comes in and begins hammering away at SB. SC pulls him up and sends him into the ropes. He tries catching him with a clothesline but SB ducks it. SC tries catching him with another, but it's ducked once again. SC then tries catching SB with a back body drop as he bounces back, but SB sees it from a mile away and catches SC with a desperation STEPHENFLOW DDT!!! Both men lay there for a few seconds before SB rolls over and drapes an arm over SC, 1......2....Riptah runs in and breaks it up.
Dave: LOOK!!!
The camera shifts to the entryway as TriP begins to rush out of the back.
Jeff: What is he doing out here?!
Both men are down and hurting. They are slowly making their way to their respective corners. SC is the first to get to his corner, but before he can tag Riptah, TRIP yanks Riptah off the apron, causing him to hit his face on the apron.
Chet King moves over to attack TRIP, but TRIP sprints out into the crowd . King starts to pursue, but then decides against it.
Riptah climbs up to the apron and SC tags in Riptah. Riptah tries to stop SB from tagging in, but he's too wobbly from whacking his jaw on the apron, so SB is able to tag in BN just before Riptah can get to him.
Riptah comes at BN, but BN catches him and begins hammering on the Westsida. CK runs into the ring but Duzza stops him. SB and SC are both up and a pier six brawl ensues. Duzza and SC are the first to leave the ring, followed by SB and CK. Inside the ring, BN continues beating up Riptah. Outside the ring, SB and CK exchange punches. Also, Duzza is getting the best of SC. he goes to whip him but SC reverses and Duzza crashes hard into the steel steps. SC rolls back into the ring. BN goes to whip Riptah, but Riptah reverses and sends BN into the ropes. Riptah catches BN, lifts him up, then SC comes along and they hit BN with the WESTSIDE BUSTAH!!! Outside the ring, SB hits CK with a STEPHENFLOW DDT on the arena floor. He tries to come in as Riptah covers BN, but SC holds him off, 1.......2.......3
WINNERS: Da Westsidaz and Chet King
Dave: So Da West Sidaz and the President of PCW come up with the victory over The Blood Brothers and Duzza. Guys, do you think Da Westsidaz are heading into the Media Fold
Jeff: NahKing can keep buying them off for $200, a box of jiffy corn bread, a One Liter Bottle of Thunderbird.
Dave: (shocked) That came off as kind of racist.
Jeff: Did I ever mention that my birth mother is none other than singer/actress Mabel King, who portrayed "Momma" on the popular 70's sitcom "What's Happenin!"? So, needless to say, I understand the plight of brothers such as Da Westsidaz and Duzza.
Dave: (enraged) First of all, that is f^cking bullsh!t, because your mother is locked away in jail because of her obsession with Doug Troy.
The Kid from Jerry Maguire: Psst, Dave.You said f^cking bullsh!t.
Dave: (still enraged) Hey Ray, I went to the zoo todayand do you know what I saw?
The Kid from Jerry Maguire: The elephants?
Dave: NopeAll the animals were DEAD!!! D-E-A-D DEAD!!!! And do you know why?
The is audible sobbing.
The kid from Jerry Maguire (not crying): It's OK Steven.
Steven: (sobbing) But all the animals are dead.
Jeff: For once I'll be the voice of reason and mercifully send this to a commercial.
(Commercial: PCW is brought to you by the United Negro College Fund. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but wasting cherry cheesecake should be punishable by death.)
Dave: (still sounding miffed, mumbling) Mabel King.(no longer mumbling) Welcome back to Turmoil. We are ready to head to the ring for our next match. Let's send it up to Clay Clayborne.
("Welcome Back My Friends" hits as Kano and HCA come out)
Clay: Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 647 pounds, Jon Kano and "Hardknocks" Chris Allen.THE MEDIA MOGULS
("One Step Closer" by Linkin Park hits as the team of Miyagawa and Phoenix come out.)
Clay: And their opponents, at a combined weight of 436 pounds.......MIYAGAWA and PHOENIX
Miya and HCA start out. HCA, knowing he has the strength advantage, goes right after Miya. Miya sees HCA coming at him and avoids him. He ends up getting behind HCA and locking him in a waistlock. HCA goes for a back elbow on Miya, but Miya ducks it and HCA spins around. Miya starts ramming his shoulder into the ribs of HCA while holding on to him. Miya then tries to pick up the big man, but to no avail. HCA laughs at the attempts of Miya, lifts the little man up, and suplexes him. HCA makes a cover, 1.....2...Miya kicks out. HCA walks to his corner and tags in Kano. At the same time, Miya crawls to his corner and tags in Phoenix.
Kano and Phoenix stare eachother down, then lock up. Kano gets Phoenix in a hammerlock, but Phoenix immediately countrs with a snap mare takeover, followed by a stiff kick to the back of Kano's head.
Jeff: Kano might ROCK, but that kick sure ROCKED him.
Dave: Wonderfully put Jeff
Kano falls back after the blow. Once Kano hits the mat, Phoenix drops a legdrop across his throat, then covers, 1......2....Kano kicks out. Phoenix pulls Kano up and goes to send him into the ropes, Kano reverses, Phoenix goes into the ropes. When Phoenix goes to bounce off, HCA hits him with a hard knee to the back. Phoenix quickly winces in pain before turning towards HCA. HCA hops off the apron. Phoenix turns around in time to catch a running lariat that sends Phoenix over the top rope and onto the arena floor. Kano walks over towards Miya and taunts him drawing him into the ring. Miya tries getting to Kano inside the ring, but referee Speedy Riggs won't allow it. While that goes on inside the ring, HCA goes to work on Phoenix outside the ring. HCA picks Phoenix up and drops him across his throat on the guardrail. HCA then lifts Phoenix up onto his big shoulder and rams him, face first, into the ringpost. Phoenix's forehead is split open as HCA rolls him back into the ring. Miya exits the ring as Kano covers, 1......2...Phoenix puts his foot on the bottom rope. Kano slams his fists onto the mat before tagging HCA in.
Dave: That Phoenix is one tough customer.
Jeff: (coughing) Jobber!!
HCA and Kano both grab Phoenix and whip him hard into the corner. HCA then grabs Kano and whips him towards Phoenix, but Phoenix gets his boot up. Phoenix charges at the staggered Kano, but Kano regroups enough to catch Phoenix with a powerslam. HCA then runs at the downed Phoenix and hits him with a giant splash crushing his ribs. HCA makes a cover, 1......2....Miya in to break it up. HCA stomps on Phoenix some, then lifts him up high in the air. He briefly holds him up with one hand so he can point at Miya, then hits Phoenix with The DropOff! HCA makes a cover, 1......2....Miya in to break it up again. HCA looks over at Kano who signals for Allen to finish him. HCA takes his merry time pulls Phoenix up. He then lifts Phoenix high in the air. He holds him up there for a while, showboating for the crowd. This gives Phoenix all the time he needs to wiggle free, get behind HCA, hit him with a hard knee to the back, then dropping him with a reverse DDT.
The fans burst out into a chorus of boos as "The Mack" Ed Novak jukes and jives his way to the ring, with a gold record in his hand.
Dave: (disgusted) Oh, what is he doing out here?
Steven: I dunno, but I love the way he is frosting his hair these days. Note to self: Get the name of Novak's hairdresser!
Kano gets upset in his corner while Miya gets the crowd into it from his. Speedy Riggs begins counting both men down as they lie there in pain. Speedy gets to 5 before either man moves. HCA is the first to tag in Kano at 8. Phoenix makes the hot tag to Miyagawa.
Miya comes in and Kano stops dead in his tracks. He then goes back at Miya with a punch, but Miya blocks it, then begins going to work on the former Rising Star, TV, and Continental champion. Miya wails away at Kano before sending him into the ropes and dropping him with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Phoenix and HCA are in the ring still. Phoenix charges at HCA, but HCA sends him over the top rope and crashing hard onto the floor. HCA leaves the ring as Miya stomps away at Kano. Miya, seeing as how he's got a lot of momentum, goes after HCA. He tries punching HCA once he gets on the ring apron, but "The Mack" Ed Novak hops up on the ring apron and smashes his gold record over the skull of Miyagawa.
Dave: How could the ref not see that!?!?!
Jeff: LOOK!
The scene shifts away from the in ring action, where the referee is shown staring out into the crowd. The camera follows his gaze to show a girl, who has lifted her shirt, but all the good parts have been digitally blurred.
Jeff: (freaking out) You fans at home are missing some finely shaped, cherry red tipped mams. Sucks to be you!
The fans begin to boo as PCW security comes over and covers up the girl.
Miya staggers back right into Kano as he gets up. Kano kicks Miya, then hits him with the KANOPLEX!!! HCA keeps Phoenix out of the ring as Kano covers Miya, 1.......2.........3
WINNERS: The Media Moguls
Dave: (disgusted) That's a load of crap. Novak just cost Miyagawa and Phoenix that match.
Jeff: (fixating) Nippage!!! I saw some serious nippage!!!
Dave: Jesus, you act like you have never seen a woman's breasts before.
Jeff: Well, not as often as you do.
Dave: (satisfied) I'm glad you can admit who the real lady killer on our announce team is.
Jeff: Well, if you consider still breast feeding of your mother being a "lady killer" then I suppose you are the lady killer here.
Dave: (disgusted) I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response. We need to send it away to a commercial.
Dave's words are cut off by the sounds of "Welcome Back My Friends" from Emerson, Lake and Palmer suddenly hitting the airwaves.
Dave: What is this!?! A visit from Media isn't on my format!
Jeff: As if they have to clear the schedule with you, first.
The camera heads to the top of the ramp as the CEO of PCW Tyler Nelson heads from the back, followed by two men wearing business suits and bright orange ties.
Dave: What in the world?
Jeff: What is UP with those ties?
Steven: I think they are a bold fashion statement.
Jeff: I rest my case.
Nelson and the two orange tie wearing men come down to ringside amidst the boos of the crowd. The three men head up the ring steps and enter the ring. Nelson paces around the ring a bit, then pulls out a microphone.
Nelson: That's fine, all you union loving jackasses. Boo me all you want. Just keep buying those tickets so you can exercise your right freedom of speech.
The crowd's displeasure grows more vocal.
Nelson: The men you see behind me are from our friends at Shazbot Orange Soda. They have a few things to say, so treat them with the same respect you would treat your mother with.well, that's if you douche bags knew who your real mother's were.
The crowd erupts into an obscenity laced tyrade.
Security rushes out from the back to stop fans from rushing the ring.
Jeff: I know who my mother is!
Dave: I don't think it's a good idea to piss off the Philadelphia fans. These are the same fans that threw snowballs at Santa Claus during an Eagles game and threw batteries at Lonnie Smith when he took away Greg Luzinski's starting job.
Jeff: Did you just mention Greg Luzinski? What decade is this?
Nelson hands the microphone to one of the Shazbot guys. He is a bespecaled, squirrelly looking man of about 40 years old. He straightens his orange tie, and pushes his glasses onto the bridge of his nose.
Shazbot Guy #1: Hello PCW fans!
The fans respond by booing the Media ally.
Shazbot Guy #1: As you know, PCW and Shazbot have had a long standing relationship, since Kid Wonder defeated three other men in a ladder match to make Shazbot, the world's tastiest soft drink the official soft drink of PCW back at PCW Alliances.
The crowd pops at the mention of the teen idol, Kid Wonder.
Shazbot Guy #1: And that is why I am out here tonight. Since Kid Wonder resigned from PCW, Shazbot, though we are the official soft drink of PCW, we no longer have an active spokes person. So, we have decided to name a new spokes person.
Dave: Who's it gonna be?
Jeff: Who cares!
Shazbot Guy #1: So, after discussing things with Mr. Nelson, he has declared the PCW Cruiserweight belt VACANT!
Dave: WHOA!!!! I bet Jake Keeton can't be happy to hear that.
Jeff: Jake Keeton doesn't seem to be in a position to voice much opposition to the idea after what happened earlier tonight.
Shazbot Guy #1: (continuing) and from here on out it will be known as the Shazbot Cruiserweight Title!
The fans vocally voice their displeasure with that statement.
Shazbot Guy #1: This Friday on Fusion, the Farm Brawl will be for the Shazbot Cruiserweight Belt, and our new spokes person will be revealed at that time.
The fans begin to grow restless.
The Crowd: BORING!!! BORING!!! BORING!!!
Shazbot Guy#1 hands the microphone back to Tyler Nelson.
Nelson: Now, as for Friday. Flaymin Aymin, you have earned a right to challenge for my PCW Television Title. Well, Aymin, forget about that dream, because this Friday, your ass is gonna be CANCELLED!
"Welcome Back My Friends" from Emerson, Lake and Palmer hits the PA system as Nelson and the two Shazbot guys leave the ring.
Dave: We were cNext up we have two Hardcore Legends going at it as "Y2W" Pat Walsh makes his PCW debut against "The Mack" Ed Novak.
Jeff: Walsh is a self proclaimed Hardcore Legend, "The Mack" has proven that he is THE Hardcore Legend, plus he has "it", baby!
Steven: Ultimate Warlord will always be a Hardcore Legend in my eyes
.Jeff: I think you are mistaken, that's UW's spooge in your eyes.
Dave: That's enough spooge talk, lets head to the ring.
Clay: The following contest is NO DQ, Falls Count Anywhere. Introducing first, he is a member of Media, "The Mack" Ed Novak
.("Return of the Mack" hits the PA and Novak walks out onto the stage and thrust Bob into the air as the fans jeer in disapproval.)
Clay: And his opponent.....
(Clayborne's words are cut short as Pat Walsh comes flying through the curtain and nails Novak with a stiff shot across the back with his Singapore cane. Novak goes down and drops Bob, Walsh picks Bob up and thrust it into the air much like Novak did just a few moments earlier. The fans erupt with cheers for the newcomer as he cracks Novak across the skull. Blood trickles from the forehead of "The Mack" as Walsh pulls him to his feet and sends him right back down with a double arm DDT.
Dave: Well this match has certainly gotten off to a quick start.
Walsh follows up by kicking Novak right in the face then dropping an elbow to the small of the back. Walsh grabs Novak by the arm and begins to drag him to the backstage area as the camera follows close behind.)
Jeff: Where the hell are they going, this one is bloody already.
Steven: I hope they don't go into the showers, Boca is waiting on me with a tube of KY Jelly...the official lubricant of PCW.
Jeff: One more and I'll bitch slap you out of your chair.
Dave: No, let me.
(Walsh has drug Novak to the concession stands and begin to choke him with a Media T-shirt, but Novak struggles to his feet with the shirt wrapped around his throat and Walsh still choking him and snap mares Walsh onto a box of Fedwars.org pins.
Dave: Oooooooo! Fed Wars pins. That had to sting!
Walsh pulls himself up out of the box with some of the pins sticking out of his legs and back and goes for a clothesline but Novak ducks and catches him with a reverse neck breaker. Novak lifts Walsh and drops him throat first across the edge of the concession stand. Novak reaches down and grabs Walsh by the hair but Walsh punches him in the gut, and again. Novak goes down to one knee and both men are now at eye level and begin to exchange shots. Walsh gets the upper hand in the slugfest and makes it to his feet but not for long as Novak nails him with a low blow. Novak begins to drag Walsh over towards a large plate glass window in the front of the arena thatleads out to the street.)
Dave: He wouldn't!
Jeff: Oh yeah, he certainly would.
(Novak whips Walsh towards the glass but Walsh hangs on and both men go crashing though the window and out onto the street.)
Dave: OH MY GOD!!!
CROWD: PCW! PCW! PCW!
(Both men lie on the street in a bloody mess as the fans go crazy inside and outside the arena. Walsh begins to slowly pull himself to his feet and Novak grabs onto his pants to help pull himself up as well. Walsh attempts to kick him off but Novak grabs a handful of the glass shards and throws it into the face of "Y2W". The two bloody and almost blind men begin to brawl around to the side of the arena where two dumpsters sit. Walsh out of desperation whips Novak into one of the dumpster and Novak crashes into the cold steel. Walsh staggers over to Novak who hits him with another low blow. Novak stands up and lifts the lid to the dumpster, but Walsh hammers him in the back of the head. Novak grabs onto the front of the dumpster but the lid comes crashing down across his fingers and a sickening crunch is heard.)
Dave: Eww! Someone just slammed the lid on that dumpster and crushed Ed Novak;s fingers.
Jeff: Oh no! Look who it was!
(Trashcan Man steps from around the side of the dumpster and clotheslines Novak almost out of his boots. Walsh takes a breather as TCM lays waste to Novak but the breather doesn't last long as PCW President Chet King, Commissioner Dan Hollywood, and John Kano comes flying out a side door from the arena. King and Hollywood begin to double team TCM as Kano puts the boots to Walsh.)
Jeff: Media is taking it to Trashcan Man and Walsh.
Dave: The numbers are too strong, it's four on two out there
.Steven: I live for those moments.
Two consecutive slaps are heard, followed by sobbing.
Dave: Sorry Steven, I just couldn't take it anymore
.Jeff: I'm not sorry.
(King and Hollywood drag a struggling TCM in front of the dumpster, but the lid comes flying open and Miyagawa dives out and immediately locks King down with Therapy. TCM has recovered and begins to repeatedly kick Dan Hollywood. TCM pulls himself up on the top of the dumpster and then pulls Hollywood up behind him.
Jeff: He wouldn't!!!
Dave: YES HE WOULD!!!
Steven: Role reversal is cool!
TCM proceeds to deliver a PYRO DRIVER off the dumpster to the concrete.
The Crowd: PCW!!!! PCW!!!! PCW!!! PCW!!!! PCW!!!!
Finally security rushes outside and begins to separate the members of Media and Asylum/Walsh. The scene focuses on security trying to pry Miyagawa off King and TCM standing over the fallen Dan Hollywood then fades back into ringside.
Dave: This match has been thrown out ladies and gentlemen. We have to head to a commercial! When we return, we will head to the ring for our Tampex Main event of the evening.
(Commercial: Tampex: The quicker picker upper)
Dave: Welcome back to Turmoil. We are set to head to the ring for our Tampex Main Event of the evening which will be of the tornado tag team variety. Let's send it up to Clay Clayborne.
Clay Clayborne: The following match is a tornado tag team match. Making their way to the ring, representing the Congregation and being accompanied to the ring by Jenna Jameson, weighing in at a combined 615 pounds, Lord Crom Griffin Dagoth and the Reverend Jon Hull!
"Spirit in the Sky" starts to play over the arena speakers as Lord Crom Griffin Dagoth and the Reverend stroll unhurriedly down the ramp, followed by Jenna Jameson. The Reverend holds the ropes for Jenna Jameson and climbs in after her. Lord Crom Griffin Dagoth climbs up to the apron and steps over the top rope.
Dave: Dagoth is really imposing in there.
Jeff: Yep. Reminds me of a my mother-in-law coming to visit.
Dave: Now THAT's definitely not a Soy Boy!
Jeff: Agreed.
Clay Clayborne: Their opponents, representing the Asylum, weighing in at a combined 518 pounds, Bang Davenport and the Trashcan Man!
"Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne blasts out over the arena speakers as Bang Davenport and Trashcan Man appear on the entranceway. Trashcan Man raises his trashcan to the sky as both men walk down the ramp. Trashcan Man sets his trashcan by the ring steps and rolls into the ring as Bang hops over the top rope.
Clay Clayborne: Making their way to the ring, representing the Five Star Five and being accompanied to the ring by Mini-Mike, weighing in at a combined 473 pounds, "Five Star" Mike Marvelous and "The Idol" Jacob Jackson, the Can Am Connection!
"Money" by Pink Floyd plays over the speakers as Jacob Jackson, Mike Marvelous, and Mini-Mike appear on the top of the ramp, Marvelous holding up a bottle of MarvelLOTION and Mini-Mike drinking a bottle of MarvelLADE. Marvelous walks down the ramp, tossing various Marvelous products to the crowd as Mini-Mike tails behind him. Beside him, Jackson struts down the ramp, smiling cockily to all the fans. Jackson and Marvelous climb into the ring.
Clay Clayborne: Their opponents, representing the Media and being accompanied to the ring by Buffy Vegas, weighing in at a combined 476 pounds, the Commissioner of Primetime Championship Wrestling and the PCW Continental Champion, "The A-list" Dan Hollywood, and the C.E.O. and PCW Television Champion, Tyler Nelson!
"Welcome Back My Friends" by Emerson, Palmer, and Lake starts to play as Tyler Nelson, Dan Hollywood, and Buffy Vegas step out onto the entranceway. As they walk down the ramp, Tyler jaws away at the fans, who scream obscenities back. They climb into the ring.
Clay Clayborne: And finally, representing DAMN, weighing in at a combined 457 pounds, Doug Troy and the PCW World Heavyweight Champion, Frisco!
"Dream a Little Dream of Me" from The Mamas and the Papas plays as Doug Troy and Frisco sprint down the ramp and slide into the ring.
The ref calls for the bell and all hell breaks loose. All ten men start brawling in the middle of the ring, and it's complete chaos.
JJ and MM have DT in the corner, both men stomping away at him. Frisco comes up behind them, grabs JJ, and slings him out of the ring. MM turns around and throws a punch, but Frisco blocks it and knocks him to the mat with a big right hand. MM rolls out of the ring, and Frisco and DT follow.
Rev is bludgeoning Bang with big right hands against the ropes. Rev backs up a couple of steps and charges, but Bang lowers a shoulder and back body drops Rev to the outside. Bang turns around to meet a big boot by Dagoth. Dagoth picks Bang up over his head in a gorilla press and launches him over the top rope, sending him back all the way to the foot of the ramp.
TN and DH are double teaming TCM. They sling him into the ropes and flip him over onto his back with a double hip toss. They each bounce off of opposite ropes and drop an elbow simultaneously onto his chest. TN covers 12 and TCM kicks out.
MM and DT are trading punches on the outside. DT tries to Irish whip MM, but he reverses it and sends DT back first into the guardrail.
Frisco is slamming JJ's head into the ring apron. He hooks an arm around JJ's waist and side suplexes him down to the concrete. He picks JJ up and turns him around, but Rev comes up behind him and hooks his head, landing a reverse DDT.
TN and DH pick TCM up and sling him into the corner. They back up into the opposite corner, and TN slings DT across the ring and into TCM. TN charges after them, but Dagoth intercepts with a big clothesline.
MM picks up DT and drops him throat first across the guardrail. He picks DT up and holds up one hand as the crowd boos. DT suddenly drops down and brings MM crashing down face first on the bottom step of the steel steps with a drop toe hold.
Rev is stomping away at Frisco's prone form. He picks Frisco up and slings him shoulder first into the ring post. He starts stalking after him but crumples from a chair shot from behind by JJ.
DH tries to slam TCM's head into the top turnbuckle, but TCM catches himself and throws a back elbow into DH's face. DH staggers back and TCM levels him with a clothesline, up and over the top rope. TCM heads over to the ropes to talk some trash on the fallen Reverend, only to have his foot grabbed from the outside by Reverend and dragged out of the ring.
Dagoth picks TN up and slings him into the ropes and delivers a powerslam. Dagoth hooks a leg 12 and TN kicks out. Dagoth picks TN up again and slings him into the ropes, but TN bounces off with a flying forearm smash, staggering the big man back. TN charges in at Dagoth, but Dagoth bends down at the last moment, and Nelson comes in too high. Dagoth takes advantage by back body dropping him over the top.
DT drags MM to his feet on the outside, but JJ nails him from behind with a double axe handle, driving him to the concrete. JJ then proceeds to begin stomping away on DT.
Trashcan Man and Reverend exchange right hands on the outside. Finally Reverend breaks the trend, and kicks TCM in the gut, and follows with a DDT to the concrete floor. Reverend goes to the Chinese announce table and grabs a chair.
Dave: The ringside area is littered with bodies!
Suddenly, Dig by Mudvayne hits. The lights turn down and strobe with each slide of the bassline.
Jeff: UH OH!!!!
The camera shifts to the entryway as Meanstreak walks out and pounds his chest.
Dave: THE MONSTER IS HERE!!
He stares forward a moment and then charges to the ring. Dagoth stands ready as Hull enters the ring with his chair. The music stops as Streak slides into the ring. He locks gazes with Dagoth and walks slowly forward. Reverend suddenly shoots to his feet and drills Meanstreak in the head with the chair. Streak stumbles back a few steps and shakes his head. He glares at the Reverend again and shakes his head. Hull steps forward again and drills him with the chair again. Meanstreak again stumbles backward. He shakes his head again and then holds his hands out, commanding Hull to strike him once more.
Dave: There is no stopping the monster! He takes the pain and asks for more!!!
The other teams continue to battle at ringside.
Hull runs forward and brings the chair down, but this time, Streak swiftly brings his fist forward, punching straight into the chair and right to Hull's face. Hull immediately hits the mat, the chair falling from his hands. Meanstreak roars and Dagoth charges at him, hitting him hard with a clothesline. Streak stumbles back and hits the ropes, sling shotting himself forward. He boots the giant in the gut and shoves him between his legs. Lifting him into the air in a powerbomb form, the beast tosses him up and jumps up straight into the air, maneuvering Dagoth's head downward and grabbing it. The monster drills Dagoth's head into the chair, executing FATES UNDOING!
Dave: OH MY GOD!!! MEANSTREAK JUST DEMOLISHED LORD CROM GRIFFIN DAGOTH!!!
The beast pounds on his chest for a moment and then roars to the crowd, who roars back in imitation. Meanstreak points to the fallen couple. He bends down and grabs Hull by the head, the crowd exploding.
"The Icon" Jacob Jackson notices Dagoth down in the ring. He slips into the ring and makes a cheap cover..1..2..3!!!!
Winners: Can-Am Connection Time: 6:22
Dave: Can-Am Connection wins a match which has been made an abortion by Meanstreak!
Jeff: LOOK!
Meanstreak lifts the Reverend up over his shoulders, he positions him in a reverse DVD and points upward.
The crowd blows explodes.
The Crowd: PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!! PCW!!!
Meanstreak then delivers the most devastating and famous finisher in Primetime Championship Wrestling, AT DEATH'S DOOR driving Hull's head right down into the chair on the mat. The Reverend doesn't move. Streak once again roars, this time running to a corner and leaping onto the turnbuckle. He jumps off it and strides over to where Dagoth is getting to his feet, looking to get a piece of Jackson. He helps him up and growls as he lifts the giant up just as he had Hull a moment ago.
The crowd explodes at Meanstreak's brute strength as he drapes the 355lb LCGD over his back.
Suddenly, Mike Marvelous hits the ring, and charges Meanstreak from behind. The Monster senses the charge and spins around, but its too late! Marvelous spears the Monster then follows with a Northern Light Suplex.
Dave: He calls that move OFF THE MARKET!!!
LCGD rolls out of the ring, as does Marvelous. Marvelous begins shouting at LCGD about "He owes him"
Meanstreak shakes his head, rises to one knee and glares out at Marvelous.
Jeff: Mike Marvelous just made Meanstreak angryand he won't like Streak when he's angry.
Dave: No he won't like Streak when he's angry! What does Marvelous mean about Dagoth owing him?
Jeff: He just saved LCGD from some serious harm! Of course he owes him!
Dave: I suppose we will find out more about this on Friday night! Right now, however, we are out of time!
Jeff: NO!! NOT NOW!!
Dave: I'm afraid so! For the entire PCW announce team, I'm Dave Kern. We'll see you Friday night from Lancaster, Pennsylvania! Good night everybody!
The scene shifts to the ring as Meanstreak climbs to his feet. The camera shifts out to Mike Marvelous and Jacob Jackson, who appears to be scolding Marvelous for getting attacking the Monster.
Finally the camera shifts back to the ring as the Beast flips out onto the apron and roars to the crowd once more. Dig hits the PA system..as the show fades to black.