Tuesday Turmoil Results for April 11, 2001
Live from the University of Miami, in Miami, FL
The show opens to a black screen. Suddenly, plain looking white words appear on the screen, followed by the deep, burly voice of a TV narrator, who reads the words allowed, apparently for those who cannot read.
Narrator: (reading the exact text, as it appears) We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for the UK-L187 Special Report.
There is the sudden sound of a new room jingle and ticker, as the scene shifts to the outside of UK-L187 Headquarters, sampling the thousands of minority protestors chanting anti-UK-L187 slogans and brandishing signs reading everything from "We Shall Overcome," to "Free Mumia" and ranging to "Cassidy-Needs-An-Ass-Beady."
After scanning the crowd a little more, showing the rage and frustration on the faces of the angry protesters, the scene slowly fades into what appears to be a darkened TV studio. After a moment, a graphic of blue letters appear on the screen reading "UK-L187 Special Report: Can't We All Just Get Along?"
After a moment on the screen, the graphic changes and the words "With Chet King" appear in the place of the old words.
The lights suddenly go up, to reveal the set of UK-L187's most popular talk show host The Chat King Chet King. The audience is full of onlookers, but their mood is not jovial, as is so often is the case with talk show audiences.
The camera focuses in on the serious looking face of The Chat King. As the "fading in mood music" stops he raises his microphone to speak.
Chet King: Hello, and welcome to this UK-L187 Special Report, "Can't We All Just Get Along." I am your host Chet King the Chat King."Now, as you may have heard or read, and most certainly have just witnessed, UK-L187 is in the midst of a sensitive misunderstanding with the the civil rights group called the NAACP, over what the group has termed as racially motivated layoffs from the production team of the popular UK-L187 cooking series title "Cooking with the Chef and Bertha Stewart."
The camera angle changes to show Chet from the right side, as a graphic of The Chef and Bertha King on the set of their television program appears in the background.
Chet King : Recently several employees were released from the crew of "Cooking with The Chef and Bertha Stewart" due to poor work performance. A majority of the workers just happened to be minorities.
The camera angle changes again to show King from a slightly different angle. This time, an unflattering picture of an African American woman appears on the screen behind him.
Chet King: NAACP Spokeswoman Angeliqua Shabazz-Smith held a press conference earlier today, to denounce UK-L187 and our esteemed owner Cecil Cassidy. Being a new program, we are going to do what other news outlets have refused to do, and show both sides of the story and show you that press conference. The following clip is Ms. Shabazz-Smith, reading what she claimed to be an internal UK-L187 memo.
The camera gets pans in tight on the frozen image of Shabazz-Smith, which suddenly bursts to life. In the lower right hand corner of the corner is a graphic, with the glowing words "Earlier Today" set upon the image of a small burning cross and the UK-L187 logo.
Angeliqua Shabazz-Smith is shown producing document with UK-L187 letterhead on it.
Shabazz-Smith: (continuing from from prior to the clip beginning to roll) In my hand is an internal, memo, which was distributed to all UK-L187 employees directly from the desk of the CEO of UK-L187 himself, Cecil Cassidy. I clearly shows the absolutely unacceptable, racist human resources policies of UK-L187.
Shabazz-Smith takes out a pair of thin-rimmed, reading glasses, and places them low on her nose. She then begins to read from the memo.
Shabazz-Smith: Those people...
Shabazz-Smith looks out to the crowd and tightens her jaw, for dramatic effect.
Shabazz-Smith: (continuing) just aren't as smart as people of Western European decent. They simply are not cut out for jobs which require decision making processes.
Several groans from those in attendance at the press conference earlier in the day can be heard. Shabazz-Smith pauses to add drama to the situation. She swallows hard, then begins to read again.
Shabazz-Smith: Let's face it, if these people are not donning football helmets, dribbling a basketball or wearing little red boxing gloves, the serve no useful purpose in today's society.
Shabazz-Smith slams down the memo on the podium and snaps off her reading glasses.
Shabazz-Smith: (infuriated) This is completely unacceptable behavior and is the precise reason why we at the NAACP have brought forth this discrimination lawsuit on behalf of of those who unjustly lost their jobs.
The scene freezes and the "Earlier Today" Logo disappears. The camera pans back over to Chet King.
Chet King: Now, you have all seen that clip of the NAACP press conference repeatedly today. In keeping with fairness, the ownership team of UK-L187 has indicated they would like to respond to these allegations, and have agreed to appear on this show to so.right after these messages from our sponsors.
(Commercial: This Chet King Special Report, "Why Can't We All Just Get Along" is brought to you by Denny's. Denny's: We've felt the sting of the NAACP.)
The scene fades back onto the set of the Chat King Show, where a serious looking Chet King is sitting on the arm of a chair, with microphone in hand.
Chet King: Welcome back to this UK-L187 Special Report "Why Can't We All Just Get Along." Ok, now as promised, it is my pleasure to introduce the CEO of UK-L187, Cecil Cassidy accompanied by the Board of Directors of UK-L187!
The spectators in the studio show their first reaction of the evening, and it is in the form of boos as "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd hits the sound system in the studio.
Suddenly, a large projector screen drops from the ceiling at the back of the set for the talk show. Chet is taken back. Suddenly, the grinding sound of an old film projector being fired up is heard and the lights dim.
The camera focuses in on a on the projector screen as a grainy black and white montage of shots begins to fill the screen.
The first clip is of Adolf Hitler standing on a balcony giving a straight-armed salute to passing German troops during WWII.
The second segment is of a group of youths that can only be described as skin heads dancing in a mosh-pit like style, while hate symbols such as the swastika and a burning crosses over lay the scene in the background.
The burning cross and swastika stay over laid and semi-transparent as scenes of the piles of dead bodies of Jewish Europeans replace the moshing Arian youths.
The booing of those in attendance then grows 20 fold. The camera suddenly shifts away from the black and white montage to a side entrance to the set as five men emerge wearing the pointy white caps, face coverings and white sheets which associated with the hate group the Ku Klux Klan.
The first man in the group, wearing a slightly more ornate robe then the rest of the group, as it is monogrammed with the letters CC, carries what appears to be a bible, while the next two in the group carry 8' high wooden crosses. The last two members carry flags bearing the Nazi symbol of hate.
The camera pans to the enraged crowd, who is getting out of their seats, shouting at the five men. Luckily, the bald headed security guard Steve and his crack security staff consisting of ex-PCW wrestlers Big J, Ricky Nakagawa, The Third Degree and The Ghost are there to stop the spectators from hitting the stage.
The obvious leader of the group, the man with the CC embroidered on his robe, points his bible out to the crowd, and begins jawing at them in an animated fashion.
Finally, Chet King lifts his microphone and attempts to defuse the situation.
Chet King: Folks, Mr. Cassidy and the UK-L187 Board of Directors are hear to explain their side of the story as is their first amendment right. Let them speak!
The crowd's ire grows for a moment before finally dying down a bit. The hooded men stand tall, as a worried and disgusted looking Chat King moves forward to the man with the CC embroidered on his robe.
Chet King: Mr. Cassidy, you asked for this special forum so you could properly voice your position on the firing of several minority employees from the "Cooking with the The Chef and Bertha Stewart" show. What do you have to say to the critiques who say the firings were racially motivated?
The man with the CC embroidered on his robes steps forward, while the others stand at attention nearby.
CC KKK Man: First of all, you spawn of a British inmate in exile, I should be addressed by my proper title, which is Grand Wizard Cassidy
Chet King grimaces.
Chet King: (semi-sarcastically) Ok, Grand Wizard Cassidy
CC KKK Man: Now, Chet, it does not take a white man to realize we fired the non-anglo employees to upgrade the efficiency of the production team working on "Cooking with the Chef."
Chet King is taken back a bit.
Chet King: Could you further explain the statement "It does not take a white man to realize..?"
CC KKK Man: Sure, as in, you do not have to possess the flesh of the most vastly superior race on earth, which would be the lily-white pigment of Europeans, to realize we dumped our racially inferior garbage aside to make room for white workers who can do a better job.
"Cecil Cassidy" suddenly juts his arm out in front of him into a WW II-style German salute, and the "Board of Directors" follow suit, once again drawing major heat from the crowd within the studio.
Chet King appears appalled.
Chet King: Those are certainly strong words
CC KKK Man: (interrupting) But not nearly as strong as the bodily stench of those lesser races which originate from the regions around the equator.
Chet King shakes his head in disbelief.
Chet King: I was under the impression you were coming here to deny the charges of racism and reiterate UK-L187's equally opportunity hiring policy!
CC KK Man: HA!!! Just the contrary, you inferior, Southern-hemisphere, dwelling bastardization of what God intended his children to be. I am here to state publically, that UK-L187's office employees are going to be pure as driven snow. All brown spots and yellow spots caused by the defecation of gene pulls within the UK-L187 will be purged and eliminated.
Chet King's jaw drops in disbelief. The ire of the crowd rises to a boiling point once again as several of those in attendance try to charge the stage, behind the surging of three Aussies in attendence.
Three Aussies: (in unison) Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!
The security officials manage to hold back the initial thrust of the charging fans, but it appears more fans are rising to their feet to try and hit the stage.
Back on stage, Chet King has headed to "safer" ground, as Cassidy shouts an assortment of racially charged comments at the crowd. Behind the two KKK/UK-L187 Board of Directors members holding the orange and white flags adorned with swastikas begin waving them in support of their leader and cause. Meanwhile the two KKK-UK-L187 members holding the wooden crosses pulls out mini-charcoal lighters, set them to flame, and then begin to light the wooden crosses on fire.
Chet King: If someone in the production department can hear me, please call the police. The situation has become uncontrollable and very dangerous.
The two men holding the wooden crosses finally have set the crosses ablaze. Meanwhile, Cassidy continues taunting the crowd, by reading from his bible.
CC KKK Man: Oscar, Chapter 22:162. So came Satan himself, black as the night, with close cropped curly hair, like that which surrounds the nether regions of God's first and chosen one, Adam.
The scene shifts to show the entire crowd is attempting to hit the stage, and are beginning to break through the rapidly deteriorating lines of the studio security crew. Finally, they crowd breaks through the line completely, and storms the stage.
Rather than sending a camera to the ensuing melee, the camera focuses on one of the burning crosses, as Cassidy's words act as the audio backdrop.
Cassidy: (in an ominous, preaching voice) Pure white is the light. Pure right is the dove, and the bringer of peace.
Suddenly, the camera shot of the burning cross becomes unstable and shaken, as if someone plowed into the cameraman.
Cassidy: (shouting over the noise caused by the scuffle around him) Pure white.
The scene and audio the abruptly and unprofessionally cuts to static for 123.4.seconds, before the screen goes to black.
Suddenly, the scene opens to the inside of the University of Miami gymnasium as PCW newcomer spears Jack McGriff on the
ramp.
Narrator: We now join your regularly scheduled UK-L187 program, already in progress.
Dave: Hello! We'd like to welcome our fans from several of our affiliates who are just joining us, as our Jack McGriff vs PCW OmeN has just gotten underway.
Jeff: Yeah, how many people are saying "Damn, why couldn't we stay away longer" when they saw the likes of OmeN and McGriff on their screen.
Dave sighs.
OmeN pulls the taller man up, and whips him hard into the crowd rail. McGriff grabs at the small of his back, before collapsing to the ground.
Dave: The much smaller OmeN is really taking it to the big man McGriff here.
Steven: No one takes it to a big man quite he way my Boca does.
Dave sighs, again.
Jeff: That's two.
OmeN slams McGriff's face a couple times into the floor. He grabs McGriff by the back of the neck and pulls him to ringside, but he doesn't roll him in the ring, instead he whips him hard intothe ring steps. McGriff gets to his knees as OmeN comes close again, and McGriff reaches up and grabs OmeN by the throat, before standing himself, several inches taller than OmeN. He lifts OmeN up by the neck and throws him to the ground in a devastating chokeslam onto the bottom half of the ring steps.
McGriff grabs OmeN and chucks him over the top rope, and into the ring. The ring bell tolls as he finally climbs in. McGriff goes for the cover.one.two. but OmeN gets the shoulder up.
Dave: Wow, I can?t believe that OmeN kicked out of that!
Jeff: Bah, Clyde could do it twice.
McGriff grabs OmeN by the dreadlocks and pulls him to his feet, before whipping him hard into the ropes, and going for a huge boot as he comes back, but OmeN dodges the impending boot, and dropkicks McGriff in the gut, doubling McGriff over, before hitting him with an Evenflow DDT onto the mat. OmeN tries to slow things down a little, by hooking McGriff up in a Boston Crab. the ref checks Jack, but he's not tapping, instead slowly pulling himself to the ropes
Steven: Will he get there?
He gets there, so the ref breaks up the hold.
Dave: OmeN should know better then to try to use a Boston Crab on such a big man.
Jeff: Well, he should, but if you believe the stuff Cassidy was saying on the Chat King's special report, we know the reason.
Dave: I am going to pretend I just didn't hear that.
McGriff and OmeN both stand again, and finally lock up properly, this time with OmeN whipping McGriff into the ropes, but McGriff charges out of the ropes, and smashes OmeN with a running lariat. He gets down and locks OmeN in a Dragon Sleeper.
Dave: Yowsa! Dragon Sleeper.
Jeff: Sleeper indeed. But I think the smell of McGriff's armpit will keep OmeN awake, which is more than can be said for me.
Steven: I'd love to smell Jack's bodily crevasses.
Dave sighs.
Jeff: That's three for those of you keeping score.
OmeN drops to the floor, and twists in the hold, slamming McGriff down with a northern lights suplex..1..2McGriff kicks out.
Dave: Did you see that! OmeN just nailed the massive Jack McGriff with a Northern Lights Suplex!
Jeff: Do I look like Mr. Magoo? Of course I saw it!
McGriff stands and shakes off the affects of the NL suplex. They pair trade amateur holds, then McGriff whips OmeN into the corner. He then follows up with a huge corner splash.
Dave: That's gotta hurt.
Jeff: Not as much as it does when you look into the mirror every morning at your homely face.
Dave: I am not going to even dignify that with a response.
McGriff elbows OmeN across the chest a few times, prior to the ref breaking it up. OmeN comes out of the corner, but McGriff charges him with a spear, which OmeN sidesteps and counters with a rolling DDT.
Dave: OmeN is technically proficient in there. Nice reversal there.
McGriff gets up quickly however, and lifts OmeN high up into the air in a gorilla press, dropping him straight into a Snake Eyes. Jack steps him up for the Assault, lifting him high up onto his shoulders, but Omen starts punching at McGriff's face, slips down in front of Jack, straight into a jawbreaker.
Dave: Again! OmeN is a slick competitor.
Jeff: A donkey who's been repeatedly kicked in the head by a horse could outwit McGriff, so let's not give OmeN too much credit.
Dave sighs.
Jeff: Four!
Dave sighs again.
Jeff: That'll be five!
OmeN climbs to the top of the nearby turnbuckle and leaps out in a moonsault, but McGriff gets the knee up, which goes straight into the gut of OmeN.
The Crowd: Oooooooo!!!!
McGriff stands again, and locks OmeN up in a sharpshooter, right in the
centre of the ring.
Dave: OmeN looks in trouble here.
Jeff (faking snoring): Sorry, come again?
OmeN seems to be withstanding the pain, and suddenly twists, and manages to
reverse McGriff's sharpshooter into his own finisher, The Offensive. The massive McGriff is smack in the centre of the ring.
Dave: For the third time tonight, OmeN has completely outclassed the bigger McGriff through reversals in the ring.
Jeff: McGriff is going to tap!!!!!
McGriff tries reaching for the ropes, but is too close to the center of the ring. He tries to fight the pain..finally he can't take it anymore and taps out!
Winner: OmeN.
Dave: So "The Modern Day Lucifer" OmeN is successful in his PCW debut, with an impressive win over Jack McGriff.
Jeff: It's hard not to look good against McGriff.
Steven: I know I would look good with McGriff pressed against me.
Dave (sighing) We need to head to a commercial. We will be right back.
Jeff: Six.
Dave: Would you shut up!
(Commercial: PCW Supremacy, Sunday, May 27th, 2001.Live and Only On Pay Per View. Call your local cable company or satellite provider to order today!)
Dave: Welcome back folks
Jeff: To the show that never ends, step inside, step inside
Dave: New career in singing Jeff?
Jeff: Not really, just you said this was a family show, so bring on the clowns!
Steven: I'm afraid of clowns
Jeff: So you are afraid of Frisco?
Dave: (sighing( I think you mean the Cruiserweights, anyway, next up the Cruiserweight battle royal The winner of which will be named the #1 Contender for the PCW Cruiserweight Title. Let's send it up to the ring for all the action.
Suddenly "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park hits and Miyagawa strides down the rampway, clutching a small bingo set he waves to the fans as he gets to
ringside, and instead of entering the ring, walks completely around it and sits
down next to the commentators, placing the bingo set on the desk, and removing
his goggles so that he can get on a headset.
Jeff: (disgusted) Great..Miyagawa is going to do commentary.
Dave: (ignoring Jeff)Welcome to the commentary booth, Miya! For a second there I thought either you or Phoenix were the first competitor.
Miyagawa: No, sorry Dave, Commissioner Naket has sent me down here to do the draw, as I won the last Cruiserweight Battle Royal.
Jeff: Ha! So you'll fix it to enter last then!
Miyagawa: Not quite; Steven here will be doing the actual drawing, and then
entrants will enter every 90 seconds now Steven, if you could draw the first number, and I shall make the announcement to the guys out the back
Steven: Dum de dum de da. First number is eleven!
"Y'all don't wanna F*ck with us" by Capone N Norega hits the arena as Short
Circuit, makes his way down to ringside.
Clay Clayborne: The following contest is the Second Cruiserweight Rumble for the NumberOne Contendership of the Homestead Cruiserweight Title the first entrant is Short Circuit!
Steven: Second number is number nine.
Circuit gets in the ring, and hands one of the belts to Clayborne, as "Country
Grammar" suddenly hits the stands, and a very pissed off looking Riptah,
clutching the other Tag Team belt, enters through the curtains and makes his way down to ringside.
Clay Clayborne: And the second entrant, the other half of Da Westsidaz Riptah!
Riptah rolls into the ring, and hands the other tag belt to Clayborne, who takes
both belts, and leaves the ring, as the ring bell tolls. Both members of Westsidaz look a little dazed, at being numbers one and two but Circuit wastes no time, and charges Riptah, spearing him to the floor Circuit starts hammering Riptah's head with his fists, slamming his head to the canvas multiple times, before finally picking him up, and whipping him into the ropes, but Riptah comes
flying out with a flying forearm, knocking both men to the floor. Riptah gets up first and waits for Circuit, before grabbing him and hitting him with a devastating DDT back to the mat he reaches over and hooks Circuit up in a sleeper.
Jeff: Ah a sleeper.
Dave: Will you please stop insulting the matches?
Jeff: I was talking about the move, dimwit.
Dave: Oh
Jeff: Ha! You believed me for a second there!
The action is back on in the ring, Circuit elbows his way out of the sleeper
hold, and rebounds off the ropes, and gets Riptah in a flying knee Riptah gets
Circuit down as well with a drop toehold.
Miyagawa: I think it's time for the next draw, Steven.
Steven: Ok dokey, it's a number 12.
Miyagawa: How's the hold Hull costume anyway?
Steven: Oh, Boca loves it often.
Dave sighs.
Jeff makes the sounds of audible vomitting.
Miyagawa picks his nose.
In the ring, Riptah has pushed Circuit to the corner, and as the crowd start
counting down, he delivers headbutts at the same time.
Crowd: 5. 4. 3 2. 1!
A claxon sounds, and "Californication" by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers hits the PA
System, and Dan Hollywood and Buffy Vegas come out to the boo's of the crowd suddenly the Westsidaz stop fighting, and slide under the bottom rope of the ring and turn up the ramp towards Dan and Buffy Buffy turns tail and flees
backstage, and Dan casually tosses his big crazy assed sunglasses off and runs
down the ramp to take on both Circuit and Riptah. The Westsidaz unfortuantly
have the huge advantage, and do a double spear on Dan, straight down to the
metal rampway. Riptah stands Dan back up, and Short Circuit hits him with a
hurricarana from a standing position, back down onto the ramp, making Dan's
forehead leak live a sieve.
Miyagawa: You know, I always love watching a Media member bleed.
Steven: Funny I always
Miyagawa (cutting him off in mid sentence): Don't say it. Honestly, Turmoil is
not the place for remarks to do with anything like that.
Dave: Ha! Finally, some backup!
Jeff: Shush Dave, Clyde will be down here soon, and Da Man will rule house!
Miyagawa: Actually, Clyde isn't in this match.
Jeff: WHAT!?
The action is back in the ring, and Circuit and Riptah have rolled Hollywood
into the ring now, and are double-teaming him in the corner, not even trying to
eliminate him. Both Westsidaz are smashing him across the chest with stinging
chops, making his chest go bright pink. Riptah lifts Hollywood up onto the
turnbuckle, and Circuit climbs up, and hits Hollywood with a head scissors
takedown from the top turnbuckle laying him out. Circuit quickly locks on the
Westsidaz Stretch, and Riptah locks an anklelock on Hollywood at the same time a few seconds pass and Dan begins tapping faster than a tap dancer on speed.
Dave: Yowsa, that looks painfull.
Jeff: Does someone want to tell the Westsidaz that they HAVE TO THROW HIM OVER THE ROPES!
Miyagawa: Shush Jeff, this is fun besides, Steven, next draw please?
Steven fumbles with the bingo machine.
Steven: Ah, number two.
Miyagawa: The question is WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!
The crowd begins to count down, as Dan is still locking in the double submission
hold, screaming in agony.
Crowd: 5 4 3 2 1!
A klaxon sounds
Jeff: What the hell is a klaxon?
"Born to Raise Hell" begins to play across the arena, and Bo Raider, steel chair in hand, sprints down to ring side, rolls into the ring, and slams the chair over the head of first Short Circuit, and then Riptah, breaking both hold's on his stablemate, Dan Hollywood.
Miyagawa: Damn. Backup still at least it's not a DAMN member.
Dan doesn't get up quickly, but Bo slams the chair into Circuit again and again,
sending him back towards a corner Riptah comes to his aid, shoulder blocking Bo from behind, but suddenly Dan gets up and grabs Riptah in a full nelson reverse suplex, dropping Riptah backwards, directly on the top of his head. Bo whips Circuit out of the corner, and Hollywood, catches him, turning around, and hooks him up in a double underarm suplex, throwing him backwards towards Raider, who in turn hits him with a strong lariat right out of the air.
Dave: OH MY GOD!
Jeff (Mocking Dave): FAMILY SHOW DAVE!
Dan grabs Riptah, and Bo grabs Circuit, and stride to opposite sides of the
ring, they turn and whip the two members of Westsidaz to each other, and using
the momentum, Dan Hollywood throws Short Circuit over the ropes, and Bo Raider throws Riptah over the ropes!
RIPTAH AND SHORT CIRCUIT ARE ELIMINATED!
Dave: So Media gets the best of Da Westsidaz there!
Jeff: As if there was ever any doubt.
Bo Raider and Dan Hollywood celebrate for a second, mocking the Westsidaz as
they're leaving until the realization suddenly kicks in or rather as Bo tries
to kick in Dan's ribcage.
Dave: WHAT?!?!
Jeff: It's the heat of battle. Every man for themselves in there.
Dave: But still
Jeff: I agree with you to a point Dave. You'd think this would have been DISCUSSED among the members or ATLEAST THE BOOKING TEAM before it went down.
Back in the ring Dan catches it, but Bo twists and slams the other boot into the side of Dan's head, sending him to the mat. Dan gets up, but gets put straight into a pulling piledriver by Bo Raider. Raider stands him back up again whips him into the ropes, Bo bends down for a back body drop, but Dan leapfrogs over the top of Bo, returns off the other side of the ring, and catches Bo in a huge bulldog. Dan grabs the chair that is lying in the ring and starts to beat Bo around the head with it, splitting him wide open as well he takes a second to wipe the blood from his eyes, but Bo slams his fist straight into Dan's crotch, snatches the chair and slams it over Dan's back. He drops the chair to the floor, and grabs Dan and hits him with THE DEFACER ON THE STEEL CHAIR!
Dave: OH MY GOD!!!
The Crowd : Oooooooooooo!!!!
Miyagawa: Steven, number quick!
Steven: Six!
The crowd count down five four three two one the klaxon sounds and "Come Home" by James hits the arena as Pete Stevens makes his way down to ringside.
Bo Raider is still trying to remove the skin from Dan Hollywood's face, and
completely ignores Stevens. Pete climbs to the top of the nearby turnbuckle,
and shouts at Bo Raider Bo turns around, and Stevens leaps off into the The
Poisoned Dagger, catching Bo and slamming him to the ground, right next to Dan. Stevens grabs Dan and lifts him up, pushing him towards the ropes, but Dan doggiedly grabs the middle rope, and refuses to let go. Stevens hammers him in the face with his right hand, before beginning to choke him on the top rope, Bo Raider has gotten up by this time and spins him around, boots him in the gut, and hits him with another DEFACER!
Dave: Bo Raider is dominating in there!
Steven: I like a dominating man, being submissive myself.
Dave sighs.
Jeff: That'll be eight, ladies and gentleman!
Dan and Bo start double teaming Stevens, Dan hits him with a drop toehold, and
Bo hits him with a legdrop across the back of the neck. Dan hooks him up in a
figure four leglock, and Bo, repeatedly hits him with leg drops across the neck
and chest.
Miyagawa: Time for another ball, Steven.
Steven: It's only been one minute ten.
Jeff: Since when do you have a problem grabbing balls?!?!?
Miyagawa: Just PICK THE BALL, STEVEN!
Steven: Alright, number 10.
Miyagawa: Five Four Three Two One, hit the music.
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park hits the arena, and the crowd go nuts,
expecting to see Phoenix.
Dave: Miya, where's Phoenix?
Miyagawa: Ten isn't his number.
There's a slight scuffle as Miya removes his headset, and puts on his goggles.
Jeff: Thank God he is leaving. He was hogging up too much of my air time.
Dave: Speaking of hogging, who was that fat chick you were talking with at the frat party last night?
Jeff: She was your mother. Tell her to stop stalking me.
Dave: (slyly) Yeah, you are one to be talking about people's moms stalking men.
Jeff: How many times do I have to tell you that my mother is
Dave: (interrupting) Mable King, who played Momma on What's Happenin'blah, blah, blah!
Miyagawa dashes over to the ring, and rolls in. He then clotheslines the hell out of and unsuspecting Bo Raider. He then completes the circle by elbowing Dan's head, causing him to break up the hold, in order to defend himself.
Dave: Miya is a fire plug in there!
Jeff: Miya is a butt plug in there!
Miya goes after Bo, while Pete goes after Dan. Stevens whips Dan into the corner, and charges in with a huge splash, but Dan gets out of the way, and Stevens just hits the empty turnbuckle. Dan follows this up with a gutwrench suplex out of the corner, before climbing to the second turnbuckle.
Dave: What's he gonna do?!?!?
Jeff: (bored) I betcha jump off!
Dan leaps off and nails Stevens with a guillotine leg drop..
Meanwhile, Miyagawa and Bo Raider are exchanging blows, when suddenly Bo hits Miya with a lucky punch and snaps the goggles right off his face.
Jeff: HA!!!
Miya growls leaps forward, and knocks Bo to the ground. He then begins biting into Bo's nose.
Jeff: (sniffing the air) Smell them ratings, baby!
Dave: Shhhhhh!!
Bo's blood spurting over his own face, and when Miya gets up, he looks
like a circus clown with huge red lips drawn on with makeup
Steven: Sometimes Boca likes me to wear lipstick.
Jeff: Hey, ever hear the one about the guy with the red ring around his.
Dave: (interrupting) YES!!!!!
Miya grabs Bo and pulls him to his feet, before kneeing him straight in
the little Bo, doubling Bo over. He then follows by hitting Bo with a double arm DDT.
However, just as suddenly Miya rolls out the ring, and goes back over to Clay Clayborne and grabs the microphone off him, and throws it in the ring.
Dave: What the heck is Miyagawa doing?
Jeff: Who knows? Who cares?
Steven: As long as no one drinks my water, I'm fine.
Jeff: No, just as long as no one drinks your water, they are fine.
Stevens hits Dan with a snap suplex quickly, then climbs to the second turnbuckle. He then leaps off with a legdrop, but Dan rolls cleanly out the way.
Hollywood is quick to move in for a leg breaker submission hold. Stevens screams out in pain.
Dave: Dan Hollywood is trying to break Pete Steven's leg!
Jeff: Yeah, now that's what I call tactics!
Miyagawa climbs back into the ring, after having thrown in two chairs (in
addition to the one that is still in there), a fire extinguisher, and several
cans of Lackostress' beer. He grabs the fire extinguisher, and slams it
straight into Bo Raider's balls and then does it again, doubling Bo over Miya
picks up the microphone and shouts into it
Miyagawa: WHAT COMES AFTER L?
The shocked crowd suddenly realise what he means and scream back "BO RAIDER!" Miya then drops his elbow straight into the back of the neck of Bo, sending him down into a crumpled heap.
Jeff: Whatever respect I had for Miyagawa, just completely evaporated.
Miya runs straight to the ropes, and springboards
off them into a backflip legdrop, but Bo has rolled well clear by the time Miya
hits the mat, ass first. Bo crouches behind Miya as he gets up, waiting for him
to turn, keeping his eyes intently keen Miya turns, and Bo spears him to the
ground, and starts pounding his huge fists into Miya's skull. Bo stands him
back up and goes for a piledriver, but changes his mind he drags Miya over to
the corner, and stands him up on the second buckle and hits Miya with a
piledriver from the second turnbuckle.
Dave: Number Steven
Steven: Does it matter? Lets say number one.
"Guilty Until Proven Innocent" hits the arena and "Amazing" Mike Storm sprints
down to ringside, and slides into the ring everyone looks at him for a second,
and then suddenly breaks off from what they were doing, and attacks him. He
stays in the ring for almost twelve seconds, before the combined might of
Miyagawa (holding an arm), Bo Raider (holding the other arm), Dan Hollywood
(holding a leg) and Pete Stevens (holding the other leg); throw him out the
ring, head first.
"AMAZING" MIKE STORM IS ELIMINATED!
Dave: That was Amazingly fast.
Jeff: With an Amazing landing.
Steven: InDEED.
Jeff: I bet that the guy who scripted this match is going to find himself laying down for the big job against Mike Storm very soon, for that stunt.
Dave: INDEED!!!!!
Jeff: Send in another clown, I'm not amused yet.
Steven: Ok guys, I've dropped all the balls.
Jeff: Did you say that your balls have dropped?
Steven: Erm isn't that my sort of jokebut seriously, just send some one from
out the back while I sort this out.
"13" by Bigwig begins to play, as Kyle Velocity speeds at quite high velocity
down to ringside, and rolls in the ring. He starts to clear house immediately,
hammering Miyagawa, then Dan, then Pete and then Bo.
Jeff: I think Kyle Velocity is on crystal meth.
Dave: I heard he has a thing for Asian chicks.
Steven: Yeah, that is common for men with small penis'.
The scene suddenly shifts to a house in Shanghai where a tired and angry editor is rewriting this monstrosity of a match.
Tired, angry and unamused match editor: HEY!!!!
The scene then shifts back to the ring
KV grabs Bo, and hits him with a front face driver straight on top of the fire extinguisher.
Dave: OH MY GOD!!!!
The Crowd: Ooooo!!!
KV quickly gets up and grabs hold of Bo too, and pushes Bo back against the ropes. Bo ducks down and uses himself as leverage to toss Pete Stevens over the ropes.
Dave: There goes The Shadow!!!
Jeff: NO!!! He landed on the apron!
Pete lands on the ring apron, and turns around unsteadily and grabs Bo Raider in a sleeper. Bo Raider then immediately drops down, allowing Pete's neck to hit he ropes. Pete gasps for air, then falls off the apron.
PETE STEVENS IS ELIMINATED!
Jeff: Hello, yes Mr President..More clowns needed you say? Right away sir!
Dave: You're not even holding a phone.
Jeff: HE SAID MORE CLOWNS! MORE CLOWNS STEVEN!
Steven: I've lost my balls!
Jeff: Just grab one of the Storm boys, they more than qualify as clowns.
"Unbelievable" by Lisa Lashes hits the arena, and AJ Storm is pushed onto the
rampway by a PCW member of staff. He looks pretty unhappy at the turn of
events, and walks slowly down to ringside.
Dave: He doesn't look thrilled.
Jeff: Would you be thrilled if you were him?
Steven: I'm still having no luck with my balls fellows
Dave and Jeff: Shut up!!!!
Our poofda announcer is suddenly shoved out of his chair by a man leaping out of the crowd. This fellow chuckles as he takes his seat as well as his headset.
Dave: What the hell?
Jeff: It's DA MAN!
Clyde: Hello all. Since Miya-jobber's apparently too lazy to finish announcing this match, it falls to your Continental Champion to save the day once again.
Dave: Or at least tread water....
Jeff: Shut up! This match may actually be tolerable now....
Steven: (Faintly) i'll get you for this....boy will i get you....
The scene quickly heads back to Shanghai where a relieved card editor senses this is where match writer A handed off the match to match writer B. The Editor leaps from his chair and begins to dance and sing.
Editor Guy: No more run on sentences, HEY! No more run on sentences, HEY!!!
Meanwhile in the ring Miyagawa is chasing AJ around the ring with the fire extinguisher. Around and around they go....finally on one of the laps Storm hurridly motions to the back.
Jeff: Now what the hell is he doing?
Clyde: I'd guess he's signaling for yet another jobber.
Sure enough, AJ's brother Jay runs down the ramp to aid his sibling.
Clyde: And I was right.
Miyagawa falls under a rain of fists from the Storm brothers.....as they hoist him up and prepare to dump him over the top Bo Raider and Dan Hollywood brawl their way over. Hollywood gains the advantage....delievering a jab....jab....jab.....a big windup....and a haymaker that misses the mark completely, whiffing a ducking Raider and instead clocking Jay Storm in the back of the head.
Jay stumbles forward, still holding Miyagawa aloft. This in turn causes AJ to be dragged forward....regaining his composure Bo Raider then shoves the pile, causing AJ, Jay, Miyagawa and Hollywood to tumble over the top!
Dave: Oh my God!
Jeff: Woo hoo! There's four less jobbers we have to worry about....
Clyde: Wouldn't bet on it....look.
On the arena floor lie the Storm brothers....Miyagawa though is hanging on by one hand, Dan Hollywood lies on the apron.
AJ STORM AND JAY STORM HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED!
Grasping, Miyagawa gets his other hand on the rope and pulls himself back over the top rope.
Jeff: Damn those Japs and their wily ways....
Someone in the world, a wrestler formerly known as Johnny Flame is offended.but only he and his mother care.
Hollywood rolls back in, as the crowd counts down once more. 5....4....3....2.....1.....and "Zero" by Smashing Pumpkins begins to play.
Steven: (Far away) no fair....i didn't grab the balls yet....
Jeff: It's Flaymin Aymin, come to run over more fans with his tractor!
Clyde: Nah, it's just Seraph.
And as Seraph makes his slow and evil march to the ring, Kyle Velocity is hammering on a still down Hollywood. Right hand after right hand....finally he tires of the pounding and drags DH's lifeless body up to the ropes. As Velocity tries to dump him though, Hollywood's eyes spring open! Lifting his legs he grips Velocity in a headscissor and dumps him over the top!
KYLE VELOCITY HAS BEEN EL....
Amazingly enough though Velocity manages to end up sitting on the ring apron, clinging to the bottom rope. After he regains his balance, he reaches up, grabs Hollywood and powerbombs him to the concrete floor with a splat!
AHEM....DAN HOLLYWOOD HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Dave: What a move!
Jeff: What a goddamn boring match!
Clyde: Yeah....let's pick things up a little. Thug Roc, Phoenix, come on down!
Back in Shanghai, the tired editor pops when he sees multiple men coming down at once!
Steven: Not as much as I would pop for multiple men GOING down at much.
Dave: Ok, enough of the Wonder Years commentary.
Steven: Every day is still a wonder for me.
At the behest of the burned man, a very confused technician backstage begins to play both "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park and "Quiet Storm" by M.O.B.B. at the same time, resulting in a horrible mishmash of noise. Walking out at the same time, Phoenix and Roc eye each other warily....step around Seraph who's taking his good sweet time coming to the ring....and erupt in a flurry of punches as they fight into the ring.
Dave: For a cruiserweight battle this thing has degenerated into quite the slugfest.
Jeff: Nothing wrong with that. Just as long as it ends quickly
Steven: (Far away) I know all about fisting....
Dave, Jeff & Clyde: SHUT UP!
Meanwhile inside Bo Raider shows Miyagawa a shocking display of technical skill. An arm wringer into a hammerlock, then Raider places a foot in front of the goggle wearer, tripping him and causing him to fall on his face.
Jeff: Heh heh....
The technical stuff stops, though, as Raider resorts to sitting on Miyagawa's back and slapping him repeatedly in the back of the head.
Clyde: Heh heh....
Dave: You two are something else.
Jeff: Ain't we though?
Phoenix, having gained a slight advantage over Thug Roc, notices his partner in peril. Sneaking up with both arms raised, he grips both of Raider's ears and leads him to the ropes.
Jeff: Dirty cheater!
Miyagawa rises, takes hold of Bo's feet and the team dumps him headfirst over the top.
BO RAIDER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Smiling, Phoenix points down at Roc and laughs....his laughter turns to a shout of surprise though as he finds himself dumped over by Miyagawa!
PHOENIX HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Holding the back of his head, Phoenix looks up to his partner, who stares back with a "what me?" smile on his face.
Clyde: Dumbass.
And in the meantime Seraph STILL hasn't gotten to the ring. Sauntering his way down, he takes the time to waltz entirily around the squared circle before finally rolling in....and being locked in Therapy by Miyagawa! Soon out go the lights....with a mighty effort the goggle wearing Jap/Paki/British whatever hurls him up and over!
SERAPH HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Dave: So it's come down to it....
Jeff: Loser, loser....and loser. I'm gonna bet we see a loser win tonight.
Dave: (Smirking) I think we saw that during the Clyde/TCM match....
The sounds of a scuffle lead us to the ring, where Thug Roc is peppering Velocity with right bands. Roc backs him to the ropes, whips him off....rushes, rolls and pops up with a clothesline. Velocity ducks, stops, grabs Roc by the head, races to the corner and hits Speed Kills!
Dave: My God, what a move! Roc is down and out!
As Velocity celebrates, Miyagawa sneaks up and locks on Therapy! Kyle can't seem to decide whether he wants to scream in pain or pass out....finally Miya begins slowly climbing the ropes with Velocity still in his grasp.
Dave: We've seen this before....he's gonna plant Kyle Velocity's head into the mat, just like he did to Stewart Hix not too long ago!
Clyde: Actually he drove him into a chair....pardon me a minute....
Up stands the burned man....distracting Miyagawa just long enough for Velocity to step forward, leading to a piggyback situation.
Clyde: (Sitting back down) Now where were we....
Velocity stumbles around the ring, the insane goggle wearing man still on his back and still with his arms wrapped around his head. Kyle blindly looks for a way out....and finds it in an unlikely place as he trips over the out cold Thug Roc, sending Miya flying to the opposite corner.
Jeff: Ha ha!
Dave: All three men are down....but all are rising, Miya on the left, Velocity on the right and Thug Roc in the middle. Both Miya and Kyle seem to have the same idea....they charge at Roc. Luckily he has enough sense to duck....just as it looks like a collision will occur between Velocity and Miya though the goggle wearer slides between his legs, stands and locks on THERAPY again!
Growling and frothing at the mouth, Miya tightens his stranglehold. Velocity falters....falters....then is driven back as Thug Roc finds the fire extinguisher, rears and smashes it dead on into his face!
Dave: Oh my God!
Amazingly enough Miya STILL has not let go of the submission hold. Seeing both men standing near the ropes, Roc charges with a clothesline....that nails Miyagawa as Kyle slips free of the tazmission. With one motion Velocity uses all his remaining strength to duck, lift up Thug Roc and dump both he and Miya over the top rope!
In a tangle both Roc and Miyagawa fall to the concrete, both of their feet touching down at the exact same time as Velocity falls on his face in exaustion.
THUG ROC AND MIYAGAWA HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED!
YOUR WINNER OF THE MATCH....KYLE VELOCITY!
Crowd: PCW! PCW! PCW! PCW!
Dave: What an amazing win for the kid from Middletown, New Jersey!
Jeff: Perhaps the WORST PLACE in New Jersey.
Dave: As if there is any good place in New Jersey.
Jeff: Touche'
Dave: We need to mercifully head to a commercial. We'll be right back!
Click HERE For Part Two