July 25, 2000
It is hard to write in this journal.  We miss our baby so much and it seems the grief and pain get worse as the weeks go by.  Coby would have been 9 months old this month.  There is a bag in Coby's room that is full of clothes he wore at the hospital and his diaper bag.  I can open the bag and smell my baby everytime.  I make sure I close the bag tight to keep his smell inside. 

My older son went to the grave site with his grandma and told stories into ballons. Once he was done telling the ballons stories, he sent the ballons to heaven for Coby to hear the stories.  He misses his brother very much.

Now that Coby's bench has been installed next to his grave, I can sit and have lunch with my baby.  We started a group therapy session which meets once a month.  I am not sure it will help but it is worth a try.

June 22, 2000
I still can not believe my Coby isn't here with me.  There are no words to describe the emptiness inside me.

People continue to tell me how strong I am.  What choice do I have but to be strong? 

My baby would be 8 months old now.  I wonder what he would be doing.  I bet he can roll over and crawl now.  I bet he finally likes solids.

Father's Day Sunday was very hard and we didn't celebrate Father's Day.  I woke up Sunday and I could smell my baby.  I hadn't smelled his formula since the day before he died and I feed him the last bottle. His formula was a special formula and had a distinctive odor. No matter what I did Sunday, that odor was around me.  I woke up Monday and there was no odor.  I believe Coby was with us on Father's Day to help us get through the day.

I still can not be around other children Coby's age.  It seems that the few times I venture into a store that everyone in the store has a baby. It is so painful to see other Mommy's loving on their babies.  It is even more painful to see Mommys getting agravated with their babies and/or children. I want to tell them - enjoy what you have and don't take them for granted.