Return of the Funny

I've been reading the blog, and I've noticed a distinctive lack of humor, since dad went into the hospital...well, I've been thinking that it's time to get back on the horse, and give up the funny. So today I give to you, the story of Iron Chef and the Mullet.

My wife works in a salon. She does haircuts, special occasion hairdos (she had hairstyles at the Grammys this year- cool!), manicures, pedicures, sensual massage...okay, not sensual massage, but the rest of the stuff is true. She gets to see all kinds of interesting people, like the guy who came in, and tried to get my wife to wax his chest and back, or the woman who fainted.

My favorite, of all the people she's told me about, is Iron Chef.

You guys know Iron Chef, right? it's the most amazing show on the Food Network. It's sort of like Julia Child meets WWF, and it's all in Japanese. They have these two chefs "battle" in kitchen stadium, to make the best dish, using a theme ingredient (tofu, octopus, gamera). They then present their meals to judges, who tell them things like, "I thought I wouldn't like this, because it was too angry, but one it got into my mouth, it turned me happy!" and "I think he was trying to make me shiver, but this made me think of a disrespectful runner."

One of the judges is always a Japanese teenage girl, who is usually an actress or singer, and she is always a complete dipshit. She just giggles and says the most inane things, ever.

Well, there's this young Japanese girl who comes into my wife's salon, and Anne calls her "Iron Chef" because she is super quiet, very timid, and giggles like the girl on Iron Chef. Anne says that she's really nice, and always tips well, but she's exactly like the Iron Chef stereotype.

So now you know Iron Chef. Notw it's time to in troduce you to The Mullet.

A few weeks ago, Anne came to see the final show of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sunday Show".(A show so acclaimed, Lara Mansell came all the way from the East Coast, where she is a happily living in New Hampshire, to see it. Really)

After the show, Anne comes running up to me backstage and she says, "Holy shit, you're never giong to believe what happened at work today! I cut my first mullet!"

It turns out that this middle-aged guy with longish hair comes into the salon, and asks him for a haircut. Anne takes him as a client, and, as he is describing how he wants his hair cut, it becomes clear to Anne that he wants a mullet. So she gives him a mullet.

The next day, this guy who is one of her regular clients comes in, and, while she's cutting his hair, somehow the mullet comes up. Anne tells him that she cut her first mullet yesterday, and they talk a little bit longer, and it turns out that The Mullet is married to Iron Chef!!! And he says, "They're my freaky neighbors!"

It's a small world, gang. You never know when your neighbor is going to get a mail order bride and a mullet. So be careful out there, for the love of god.

Vacation

I know this is going to upset you, but somehow I know you'll find a way to struggle through... your Uncle Willie is heading out of town for a week, and won't have net access.

Okay, okay, stop your cryin', or I'll give you something to cry about!

It's Mrs. Uncle Willie's birthday, and we're heading up to fabulous Lake Tahoe with the kids and the dog. Sounds great, right?
Hold on a sec...we're going up there in ...a minivan.

That's right. A mini-van. We had to rent a bigger car, so we could fit all our crap and the Ferris' crate...and rather than get something sort of cool like a lame SUV, we got a mini-van. I'm driving for 8 hours in a minivan.

I am so lame.

Let's talk about minivans for a second, shall we? Is there another mode of transportation, not regularly used by the Amish, that is more lame? When I see a minivan, I think, "That person's just given up. they've reached their goal in life of having the 3.5 kids, the dog and the coveted PTA membership."

There's nothing more sad to me than seeing some dude, who you can tell used to be cool, or some woman, who was probably a hottie at one time, behind the wheel of a Ford Aerostar, the bumper covered with a protective layer of "my kid was the student of the month" bumper stickers, the windows smeared with greasy little kid handprints, and the sad, mournful sound of "Radio Disney" blaring out of the open windows.

The mini-van that we got is the Dodge Caravan. It's the one with the easily removable seats. Last night, Anne and I were moving the seats out, and it was much easier than I thought it would be, and I caught myself thinking "This is kinda cool"....suddenly, and without warning, I screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" My wife looked at me, terror in her eyes, and asked what was wrong.
"I thought, for a millisecond, that there was something cool about this van."
My wife walked around the minivan, came close to me, and punched me full in the mouth.
"Don't ever think something like that again."
"Thank you."

So I won't be able to update the site, obviously, and all that stuff that I wanted to do before I left town, like get the new site up and running, and opening the store and all that won't happen until I get home.

But! Have no fear! I have a cool site for you to check out until I get back. It's called "Killoggs". It's a very cool blogging site, created by the amazing bendependent and loren

Have a great weekend and week, and play nice. Don't make me turn this minivan around, because I'll do it.

posted by wil on 8/4/2001 10:15:33 AM

Comments!

Hey kids. I am working really hard on getting the new site up, but it's a lot harder than I thought.
Just part of being lame, I guess. But have no fear! I'm off the the book store to get a new HTML book. Hopefully, one which will actually help, rather than confuse.

Failing that, I'm gonna bite the bullet and resort to using frontpage.

Relax, Mae Ling...

But here is some cool news! I think I've gotten it set up so anyone can comment on my ramblings here.

Have fun, kids.

Wil
posted by wil on 8/3/2001 11:47:36 AM

Screenshots

You must go here. Right now.
posted by wil on 8/2/2001 01:19:19 PM

Auditions

Tuesday was my step-son's 12th birthday.

It was also the first time in 3 months that I'd had an audition. (Apparently, a bunch of jackass producers, working for vertically integrated, multi-national media conglomerates were afraid that the writer's guild and the screen actor's guild may want to stop work, so that we can all make a living wage, so they didn't "green light" any new projects. Go figure.

So, things have been tough the past few months. Money has been tight, and I've been super bored. If I hadn't had my kick ass sketch comedy show to look forward to, I probably would have ended up on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room.

Just kidding. Jeeze, lighten up.

So the first call is at 11:15 am, to be a regular on this WB show called "The Young Person's Guide To Being A Rockstar". It's to play a gay drummer. (Why does everyone think I'm gay?). The second call is at 4:45 pm, for a movie called "waiting...", that is just about the funniest ^%$#ing script I've read in over a year.

So, I'm completely excited, but I'm torn, too, since I have way too much free time right now, and I would like to work. (You know, actors are the only people who are unhappy when they're not working. Unlike most "normal" people, who can't wait for a break from work...) The only problem was, Tuesday was Ryan's birthday, and I was really torn about what to do. I need to work, and I really like both of these projects, but I really wanted to be part of Ryan's 12th birthday party, which was a trip to the beach with some of his friends.

So I went over and over it, and made the tough choice to take the auditions, and see Ryan that evening.
Well, on my way to the first audition, I got a call from my agent, and she told me that the afternoon session was cancelled! So I went from my first audition (Where I kicked ass, thank you very much- I'm told that I'm "in the mix" which is hollywoodspeak for "we're considering you") to the beach. I must have been quite the vision in my jeans, skechers and black socks, walking down the sand.

Long story short, it was awesome. We skim boarded, played football and wiffleball, and barbecued hot dogs in the parking lot, which was majorly against the beach parking lot rules (yes! breakin' the law! breakin' the law!).

When we got back, I had email waiting for me from my friend Roger Avary. Roger is one of the coolest people on earth, and a fucking rad writer and director. (yes, that's right, I have a potty mouth. Deal.) Roger won an Academy Award for writing "Pulp Fiction", and is pretty much responsible for everything good the Tarantino has ever taken credit for. Roger also wrote and directed my absolute favorite movie that I've ever worked on, Mr. Stitch. So to get back to my point: I emailed Roger, because he's doing a new movie, and I asked him if I could be in it, because he is the most fun director EVER, and always makes good movies. So he emails me back, and tells me, "of course" and sends me the script (which ^%$@*ing ROCKS, by the way) and we're hooking up this week.

So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

That's all for right now, kids. I'm going back to work on the new, improved, easy-to-remember website!

How about some email for your uncle willy?
posted by wil on 8/2/2001 01:14:11 PM

Conventions

Okay, some of you aren't Star Trek fans, and you guys must think Star Trek Cons are uber-geek-fests. Well, you're right.

But they're cool, too, believe it or not. I think it's super cool that there's a place for any subculture, be it hackers, soap opera nuts, gamers, drama geeks, or whatever to hang out. Not that I'm in a huge rush to run out and buy a space suit, you understand...

Well, I do some conventions from time to time. It's really fun to have an audience to entertain, and most of the audience is really cool. Of course, some people just aren't going to be happy with me, no matter what, but what are you gonna do?

Well, I recently did this convention in Waturbury, CT. It was the first convention I'd done in close to 7 years, and I was REALLY nervous about not sucking. I even did something I never do: I did it sober.

Just kidding. I just wanted to see if you were still with me. Anyway, I did something that I never do: I prepared a little list of "stuff I want to talk about", so if I lost the audience I knew that I had a place to pick them back up...but it turned out that I didn't need it, because they liked me! They really liked me!

Okay, enough of this stupid preamble...here is the point of this post: I found a review of my appearence on USENet, and it made me feel really good about myself. So I wanted to share it with all of you:

From: Shammie (shamtrek@aol.comharemgrl)
Subject: The best part of the Con
Newsgroups: alt.tv.star-trek.next-gen
Date: 2001-03-04 08:24:54 PST

By far the most stand-out, entertaining, enjoyable section of the entire event
that I attended yesterday at http://www.sfedora.com/waterbur.htm
I am not makiing this up, I am not trolling, I am not kidding:
Wil Wheaton!!! OMG, he RULES as a speaker/guest!

Before he even got on stage, the director of the event introduced him and
actually warned us, as if we were little children, now please be polite and
remember that this is Wil's first con appearance in 8 years because of bad
experiences of people not separating him from the Wesley Crusher character.
(Later on we found out that 8 years ago, he was not only booed on stage, but he
actually had death threats!!)

Well, there was no need for this warning whatsoever, because from the moment
this vivacious, hilarious, charismatic, 28-year-old cutie bounded on stage, he
had us in the palm of his hand!! I cannot begin to describe how absolutely
captured every single one of us was, we were laughing every other minute and he
was so engaging even when he wasn't being funny!! I am now a huge Wil Wheaton
fan and so are 300 other Trekkers that were there. We gave him a loud standing
ovation.

OK, just a few things that he talked about, but I can't possibly begin to
capture the wonderful energy that exuded from him. Well, after he left TNG, he
left acting and moved to Kansas. "Not a good idea" he says. He said going from
LA, a 24-hour-a-day city to Topeka was like moving to a 78-minute city. He was
in the computer industry. "I am a geek. I'm extremely proud of that fact."
Well, then he left the computer business and went to drama school. He is
married about a year now with 2 step-kids (children of his wife), back in
entertainment, performing "sketch comedy" with a group. He is HiLARious.

He left Star Trek on what he thought were good terms, but he found out later
that apparently that wasn't the case. When he mentioned Rick Berman's name, he
stuck his finger down his throat in a gag-me gesture. He said it is very
unlikely that he'll be involved in any Star Trek ever again. He was not
satisfied with how they wrote him out, though. Said he wished he had gone out
in some shuttlecraft explosion. [pause] "Because it would have ensured my
return." LOL!

He talked about an Outer Limits ep that he did where he plays a bad guy and
drops a doomsday bomb on the world and destroys all of humanity. He said that
he thought that really balanced out all the times that Wesley saved the ship.
"So get off my back, huh?" We all cracked up big time.

He said he would have LOVED to have had a cameo in Galaxy Quest as a crazed fan
being right in the face of the kid telling him how much he hated him on the
show! ROFL! Man we laughed for several minutes.

Then he said, ooh, they should have had me back as the Traveler so I could go
to DS9 and make it interesting. hahaha we laughed, but some fan in a wheelchair
said hey for some of us who can't get out, DS9 was very comforting, or some
mumbo jumbo like that. Wil mumbles (so we can all hear him). "Note to self - no
more jokes about DS9, could get ugly."

When asked about all the negative letters etc against Wesley, he told us quite
frankly that it hurt a lot and he took it personally. He said he made the
mistake of trying to reason with people and get them to understand. He said
people would blame him, a 14-year-old, for some of his lines and actions,
instead of going to the writers. One time, he had some really pompous-sounding,
major technobabble stuff he had to say, and he actually called up TPTB asking
them please, PLEASE don't make me say that. I can only imagine the torment the
poor kid must have had to endure. :-((((( It just really struck me.

He talked about River Phoenix and what a junkie he was and got on a small soap
box about how any one of the people surrounding him could have saved him by
getting him go into rehab, but that they are all such ass-kissers in Hollywood
and *everything* but everything is about money.

Then he felt bad that he brought us all down, so he closed by telling us of his
fondest memory on TNG. They were all on the bridge shooting a scene where they
are getting bonked by the Borg. They were preparing to do the biggest "shake"
they had ever done, they were calling it an "eleven." Picard was supposed to
fall down. Wil was like No he's the captain, he can't fall down! And Stewart
didn't like it either. Anyway, the director yelled action and everyone started
shaking, Frakes falls out of his seat, Wil crashes into his console, Spiner is
jerking around, etc. Stewart apparently decides to have some fun and totally
spazzes out, crashing into everything, falling down, getting back up, crashing
into something else, spinning around, crashing into yet something else, falling
again, getting back up, etc etc, until finally he crashes into a wall that
falls down! Suddenly everyone is hushed because they all know it's gonna be at
least a four thousand dollar delay. So Wil quickly improvises with "Captain, we
have a hull breach!"
"AND I SAVED THE DAY," announces Wil with his arms up in a victory post.
ROFLMAO. That was the end of his talk and we all jumped up to give him a
standing O.

posted by wil on 8/1/2001 04:06:17 PM

X-E

One of my favorite sites on the entire internet is X-Entertainment. I would hang out with these guys if they would let me, but the truth is, I am *SO* too lame to hang with them.

Nevertheless, when I was wasting three days at Comic-con, I saw one of their authors, this guy named Robert, and I kinda geeked out at him about how much I love their site, and how I bet he was never last picked for dodgeball and how my mom said she'll drive us to the mall if his mom picks up.

Well, he did a little write up about the celebrities at Comic-con, and it's REALLY funny. He even said I was "the best celebrity of all"! No shit! How cool is that?! Go here to read the story. Then visit the rest of the site and laugh yourself silly.
posted by wil on 7/31/2001 12:59:51 AM

Love Day

My cool Simpson's desk calendar says that today is "love day". What the hell is that? Anybody know?

New Site Is Up! (sort of)

wilwheaton.net is finally up, but there's just a boring place holder page there. Hopefully, I'll have some time tonight to move stuff over there, but don't hold your breath.

Dad Is Home And Doing Great!

My dad came home yesterday. It turns out that he had blood poisoning. What happened was, when he was in Indonesia, he banged his toe on a boat anchor, and the resulting wound became infected, and the infection spread into his blood stream. We're really lucky that dad was home when it happened. If he had been in Indonesia, he most certainly would have died. That's a horrible thought, you know? To think that your dad came this close to dying.

But I saw him last night at my mom and dad's house, and he was himself again, making lots of lame jokes, and stuff.

Birthday

A HUGE "Thank you, Mask Man" to all my friends who came on Saturday night. Did anyone see us on the webcam? Some of my friends got pretty crazy with it...I'm glad I don't archive any images!
I did take some pictures with my brother's digital camera, and I'll be uploading them RSN.

Well, tomorrow is my step-son's birthday, so I'm off to get him some birthday schwag.

Email Lag

Lots of you have emailed me, and I haven't responding, but the responses are on the way, I promise. I've just been busy with birthday stuff and my dad. I'm sure you all understand, because each and every one of you is such a wonderful, caring, understanding person. *gag*

-wil

posted by wil on 7/30/2001 12:35:27 PM

It's My Birthday!!

My yahoo says "Happy Birthday, tvswilwheaton!"

So I click it, and I get a list of things that happened on this day in history, and a list of celebrity birthdays.

Guess who's number three?!

YEAH!!!
Today's Birthdays
July 29th
· Actor Stephen Dorff is 28.
· Rhythm-and-blues singer Wanya Morris (Boyz II Men) is 28.
· Actor Wil Wheaton is 29.
· Actor Rodney Allen Rippy is 33.
· Rock musician Chris Gorman is 34.
· Country singer Martina McBride is 35.
· Actress Alexandra Paul is 38.
· Rock singer Patti Scialfa (Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) is 48.
· Rock singer-musician Geddy Lee (Rush) is 48.
· Documentary maker Ken Burns is 48.
· Actor Mike Starr (``Ed'') is 51.
· Rock musician Simon Kirke (Bad Company) is 52.
· Marilyn Tucker Quayle, wife of former Vice President Dan Quayle, is 52.
· Rock musician Neal Doughty (REO Speedwagon) is 55.
· Actor David Warner is 60.
· ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings is 63.
· Former Transportation and Labor Secretary Elizabeth H. Dole is 65.
· Actor Robert Fuller is 67.
· Former Sen. Nancy Kassebaum-Baker, R-Kan., is 69.
· Actor Robert Horton is 77.
· Actor Lloyd Bochner is 77.

Dad Update

Dad is doing much much better. He's responding to the antibiotics, and he's coming home today.
posted by wil on 7/29/2001 10:35:56 AM