This was a skit from the 26 November '98 Late Night with Conan O'Brien (Thanksgiving).

Transcribed via microcassette and VCR tape.

[The band continues playing and AUDIENCE is applauding the return from commercial.]

CONAN
All right, everybody, uh.
[serious] As you all know, it's, it's Thanksgiving tonight.
An' that means that all across the country, thousands, of college freshmen are coming home for the first time, since leaving for school in September. Well, we here at Late Night, also, have a young man, who's coming back to visit us for the first time, since he went off to college: please welcome back, to the Late Night family, our boy, Ricky.

[AUDIENCE applauds as RICKY comes in with his travel bag. He hardly acknowledges CONAN and ANDY. They are proudly standing, smiling, glad to see him, patting his back and head. He just passes by them and sits on the couch, throwing his bag on the couch, too.]

ANDY
[patting his back] Ricky!

CONAN
[pats his head] Ricky.

ANDY
Hi-ii, Ricky. How are ya?

[CONAN and ANDY sit, too, proudly looking at RICKY, who is cool and resentful or upset. He has short brown hair, wears a leather jacket, shirttails are out, crew cut. It's almost as if the AUDIENCE isn't there. The entire scene is very domestic: a palpable air of drama bubbling under an almost scripted, strict code of control for everyone, except RICKY is hardly playing along, is silent, avoids eye contact.]

ANDY
[proud, pleased to see him] Ohhh! Conan! Look at him! He is so much more mature now!

CONAN
[friendly] Yeah. How's the studyin' goin' there, Rick? Are you workin' hard? Or hardly working? Ha, ha.

RICKY
Yeah. There -- there's a new one, right? Yeah.

[Awkward pause. ANDY's leaning forward, smiling with pleasure.]

RICKY
What?

ANDY
[pleased] Just lookin' at ya.
What? I mean, I, I can't look at you anymore--

RICKY
--No, you can't, you're..

ANDY
--{mister} college boy?

RICKY
Creepin' me out.
[casually stands, looking around] Oo -- place looks a lot smaller than I remember it.. Oh, an' look at old Max.. Jeez, he seems so weak an' mangy..

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

CONAN
Well, he, he hasn't gotten any younger since you left..

ANDY
Yeah, every night, he whimpers an' cries himself to sleep, he misses you so much..

CONAN
You know that -- uh -- slobbery old ball that you an' Max used to play catch with? Now he brings it to me..

RICKY
Yeah. Well, listen -- uh -- I gotta borrow the car. I gotta pick up Lisa from the train station.

CONAN
Hey! No problem, I'll drive.

ANDY
Yeah, I'll, I'll fix up the guest room.

RICKY
[pause] What'd ya mean? No no no -- she's staying in my room.

ANDY
Ha ha! Oh, no mister, that is Not goin' on in this house.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

RICKY
[objecting] We do it all, we do it all the time at school!

CONAN
[disbelieving outrage] You do what!?

ANDY
[stern, calm] Look. School is one thing but, when you are under our roof, you will Abide by Our Rules.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

RICKY
[disgusted, grows angry] You know, you guys are such hypocrites. You're just, you're so hopelessly bourgeois! I mean when was the last time anything real even happened under this roof?

I mean look at you two -- you're pathetic! You're stuck in a loveless relationship.. When was the last time you two even had a real conversation together?
Huh?

[ANDY and CONAN were awkward but now ANDY becomes indignant.]

ANDY
So that's why we worked all these years, so hard, to send you to college. So you could come back home an', feel you're better than us, Mr. Big Shot.

CONAN
[stiff, embarrassed] Listen, could. Could we not talk about this.. right now? In, in front of..

ANDY
Oh..

RICKY
Who. [starts slowly walking around to the desk, leaning forward, waving CONAN on]
Come on, say it. Who? Come on, let me hear it. Who? Who can't we say it in front o'. Come on.. [is daring him] Let me hear it..

CONAN
[not ashamed] The Audience..

RICKY
[resentful] Yeah. The Audience. Isn't it always the Audience!
[very upset, venting but still in control] You always cared more about the Audience than you did about me!

[AUDIENCE loves it, starts clapping.]

RICKY
[helpless rage, slapping down on the desk] I hate the Audience! I hate 'em! I hate 'em! I hate 'em! I--

[CONAN gets up, slaps RICKY! CONAN and RICKY are standing looking at each other in an awesome moment! AUDIENCE roars and whistles and applauds in glee and approval!]

CONAN
[furious, offended, shouts] Don't you ever, talk about the Audience that way again!
[AUDIENCE is cheering!]
They are Family, Buddy-Boy! They pay the bills around here! They are Family!

RICKY
[angry disappointment] I am sooo outta here!

[Leaving, he angrily points at CONAN. He opens the door, is breathing heavy with upset.]

ANDY
[stern, calm] Ricky.
You walk out that door now, don't you bother comin' back.

RICKY
[bitterly disappointed, mocking] Have a Great Thanksgiving everybody.

[He angrily leaves. The door slams shut. ANDY and CONAN are stunned, sad, brave. The AUDIENCE is quiet except for a several, "Ohhhh"s. There's a moment of watching them. AUDIENCE laughs because MAX stiffly walks up, a red ball in his mouth, squeaking it quietly but with hope.]

CONAN
Not now, Max!

[AUDIENCE erupts in laughter and cheers!]

CONAN
[brave] We'll take a break, folks. We'll be right back with Mike {Royce.} Stick around. We'll see ya in a second.

[BAND plays and AUDIENCE cheers. CONAN apologetically pats ANDY as they argue, sad and upset, as the show goes to commercial.]

Last Updated: 1 Dec 1999