Synopsis: Conan learns that his "show" was all a sham to get his outlaw brother.

Transcribed via microcassette, good notes.

CONAN
Al right, everybody! We are back! Ladies and gentlemen, Flea will be out here in just a minute--uh--but first, there's someone in the audience tonight, who I wanted to introduce to all of you. He's sort of been, out of touch, with my whole family for the past several years now--but uh--this morning, I got a call--out of the blue--that he was in town, an' wanted to finally see his, famous little brother's show, in person. So--everybody, please welcome my older brother, Scott O'Brien. He's right here. [indicates he's in the audience]

[Audience cheers long as Scott waves. He's a serious guy, a little embarrassed, wears casual clothes and a jean jacket. He's sitting in the audience, low key.]

ANDY
[during cheering] Is that.. That's your uhhh..
[cheering has subsided] That's your older brother, Scott.

CONAN
Yeah. Yeah, no one's heard from uh Scott in uh, yeah--I don' know--like five years. An' then today I get this phone call--

ANDY
[serious] But wait, you're sure that's him, Scott Edward O'Brien.

CONAN
Yeah. Uh, uh--I'm sure, that's, my brother..

ANDY
[announcing] All right, that's our man, boys! Get him!

[Two men in suits efficiently rush up as Scott stands: they collar him! No violence.]

AGENT
[serious] F.B.I.! You're under arrest, mister! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. [leaving with Scott and other agent]

ANDY
[standing, serious announcing] All right! Nice take-down, fellas.
[clapping rhythmically for his orders] All right, let's break this place down! Let's go! Let's go! Let's move it, people!

CONAN
[now standing] Wait a minute! That's my brother! Come back with--

[But now about ten FBI agents (with jackets that say "FBI" on the backs) are taking away furniture! They are also taking the pictures, padded walls, and the background's fake roof border!]

CONAN
Hey, would you leave my set alone?! Hey.. Hey put that stuff back! What are you doing?! Hey! Andy, would ya stop them?

ANDY
[while putting badge on jacket, serious] Name's not Andy. 'S Cooperman. Nick Cooperman.

[Audience erupts in cheering and applause!]

ANDY
I'm F.B.I.

CONAN
[dismayed] F.B.I.?

ANDY
Yeah we're--we're all F.B.I., son uh.. The last four an' a half years this whole show's been a giant undercover operation with one purpose: to capture a fugitive from justice, Scott Edward O'Brien. [announcing to AGENTS] All right, let's pack this place up! An'--we'll want to have it out of here tonight!

[STAGEHAND (BOBBY) is shaking ANDY's hand now.]

CONAN
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
My, show, this whole time was just an undercover sting operation?

[BOBBY is chuckling at CONAN's dismay and gets it under control for politeness' sake. (Audience loves it.)]

ANDY
Yeah, I mean, you know, ah, d'you really think it could o', stayed on based on it's own merit?

[Audience claps. CONAN's dismayed! (Note: all the furniture is gone and the AGENTS are taking down the padded walls and rolling the carpet.)]

CONAN
Well wait a minute! I mean--I know I was a little shakey at first but I--I think I'm a pretty good host now. Wait--so you're not really a stagehand? I mean--are--are you in the F.B.I. too?

BOBBY
That's right, Einstein. Four friggin' years undercover an' now I can finally go home to my family. [audience starts screaming!] You clueless bastard.

[He just tore off the Late Night patch on his overalls--under it is "F.B.I." The audience continues in a roar! (Note: the three have had to step over the carpet as it's being rolled up under them.)]

[(I think BOBBY and "NICK" say well done or something, saying goodbye.) MAX comes over to shake ANDY's hand.]

MAX
Congratulations, Nick.

ANDY
You too, Randy. Nice work.

MAX
Thanks, you know, listen. The guys in the audience, they wanna know, if they can go home now.

ANDY
Oh, sure. Uhhh.. listen you guys, nice work. See you back at headquarters. Thanks a lot.

[The AUDIENCE gets up, shaking each other's hands, leaving!]

ANDY
Good teamwork, people.

[OLDIE comes up. He's got his left hand on his neck through this whole thing.]

ANDY
Ah, here we go. Congratulations. [shaking his right hand]

OLDIE
Well. It took long enough. But the bastard finally took the bait.

ANDY
Yep.
Couldn't resist dropping in on his Successful Brother.

OLDIE
Successful? Nnnnyyhahaha! [audience claps]

CONAN
Oldie! Would you just stop it! Don't let.. Oldie! What are you--Oldie!

[OLDIE is pulling off a rubber mask! (it's a closeup) He's a younger, taller guy, standing almost to Conan's height! Looks worn out but pleased.]

"OLDIE"
Ahhh! Ohh! Man that was tight. Special Operation Chief: William Wilderman. [shaking Conan's hand] The country, appreciates your help son.

ANDY
So uh boss, what's next.

[They're leaving without a second thought given to CONAN.]

"OLDIE"
Well, we're goin' down to Tuscon. We're goin'o infiltrate a big southwestern meth-amphetamine ring.

ANDY
Arizona. Good. I like the warm climates.

"OLDIE"
Yeah, you want dinner?

ANDY
Oh, sure!

CONAN
[dismayed] Hey--hey--wait, wait a minute! Where does that--

[Audience says "Awww" in sympathy. "NICK" and "OLDIE" turn around.]

CONAN
Where does that leave me? What am, what am I supposed to do now?

"OLDIE"
Well what did you do before this?

CONAN
[pause] I was, a writer..

"OLDIE"
Oh, this should make a, heck of a nice, Short Story, won't it?
[Audience laughs]
Come on, Nick. Let's go.

[They leave, slapping each other's backs. CONAN looks up at all the empty seats, he's still standing on his bare talk show platform. He goes to the phone, which is on the floor next to the rolled-up carpet. Crouching, he makes a call, waits for an answer.]

CONAN
Yeah. Hey Mom? Hi. It--it--it's me, Conan.
Yeah. Listen, Mom. Do you think I could have my old room back for a while?
Oh.
Yeah, your--your sewing equipment.
No. No I--I--I, I understand.
Thanks anyway.
Yeah--no problem. Yeah. Bye Mom.
[hangs up, sighing]

[He goes over to the stage, stands by his mark (a star), where a spotlight is shining.]

CONAN
[sad, accepting] Well folks. I guess this is it. I don't have any more jokes left to tell. But I do have my Memories. And I think we had a really good show for ya.. A really good show.. [looks down at the star, the spotlight has gotten smaller, focusing on the star, he wistfully side kicks it and the spotlight goes out.]

[Offscreen, someone shouts: "Hey look! The idiot still thinks he's a TV star!" Loud Endless-Nyah-Nyah laughter erupts from him and several other offscreen people! CONAN, confused and afraid, runs off the stage into the back, out of sight. This joyless laughter goes on and on in the dark studio!]

CONAN
All right, everybody, uh--we are back--uh. Hey!--uh--Nick an' the guys said I can keep doin' the talk show, so. I don't know, I feel sort of--

[Audience cheers!]

CONAN
Thanks: "Andy".

ANDY
[masterful] Ha ha. [big stage wink]

Last Updated: 31 March 1999