CONAN
All right, everybody, we are back, and uh, you know somethin'? I was thinking during the uh, commercial break, that as, as fine as tonight's show is, uh we've got some great shows comin' up next week, that you're gonna wanna check out. Some really good guests are gonna be here, and uh--hey Andy! Andy? Did you see that?

[The AUDIENCE was laughing, a black-hooded, wide-eyed guy had just silently peered out from the lower right corner of the screen. Only his head. When CONAN noticed him, he ducked back away. It was JEREMY, from several nights ago. He'd done the same thing then.]

ANDY
No, what.

CONAN
It was one o' those, crazy-lookin' guys that uh, appeared on the screen a couple o' weeks ago. Do you remember that?

ANDY
Oh! Yeah--yeah, uhhh, they were like.. Well, they were like from a, different dimension or planet or somethin'.

CONAN
Yeah, I don't know where they're from an' I--look! Look! There he is--right there!

ANDY
Yeah--yeah--yeah! That's him!

CONAN
--There he is! Right there!--

ANDY
--That's him. Right there--

CONAN
Yeah--that's the guy! You see him?

ANDY
Yeah--yeah--yeah.

CONAN
No, no, no! Wait! Wait! Come back! Come back! Come on!
Come back! Yeah!

ANDY
Hi! There he his.

[JEREMY poked his head back out, left, and is back and stays. He seems very accepting and reassuring, but curious, kind of like a stuffed animal.]

CONAN
[relaxed now] Andy? Didn't he have a name?

ANDY
Uhhhh.. Eh--yeah, I think it was Jason, some'in' like..

[JEREMY shakes head no over and over, same expression.]

CONAN
Jeremy?

[JEREMY pleasantly and vigorously nods.]

ANDY
[remembers] Yeah, right.

CONAN
--That's right. Yeah, Jeremy. An', and, Jeeremy, you had a friend, right?

[JEREMY pleasantly and vigorously nods.]

ANDY
Eh, and his name--uh--wasn't his name Ira?

[JEREMY pleasantly and vigorously nods.]

CONAN
Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah.

ANDY
Well, where's Ira?

[IRA's black-hooded head shows up in the lower left corner of the screen. He's got much the same attitude as JEREMY, just peering out from the screen.]

CONAN
[pleased] Yeah, there he is! There he is!

ANDY
[friendly, amused] Well, it, it's good to see you guys, there! You gonna be stickin' around earth for a little while?

[IRA and JEREMY equanimiously, vigorously nod.]

ANDY
Have you been havin' fun?

[They nod like before.]

CONAN
Www--ww--what, what have you guys been up to?

[IRA holds up a glossy pamphlet for Gyros.]

CONAN
Oh! Okay, so, you guys got some gyros?

[Both of them just look uncomprehending, shaking heads no.]

ANDY
Wait I, I think you pronounce it heros.

[They nod like before.]

CONAN
Oh, okay.

ANDY
Sticklers, I guess.

CONAN
Yeah. Kind o' picky about that. All right. Whatever.
Okay, so, so, what else have you guys done? Anything else?

[JEREMY picks up an adorable little golden retriever pup. The AUDIENCE goes, "Awwww!" The pup is very young, mellow, and cute.]

ANDY
Oh! Look! He got a puppy!

CONAN
He is sooo cute! Did you also get a kitten?

[They shake heads no over and over like before.]

CONAN
Oh. Are you, allergic?

[They both nod yes over and over. (The puppy is out of view again.)]

ANDY
Well, if you weren't allergic, would you have gotten a kitten?

[They both nod yes like ever.]

CONAN
Would you have gotten ten kittens?

[Yes.]

ANDY
[amused with understanding] I know, I know what that's like.

CONAN
Yeah.

ANDY
Uh..[AUDIENCE is laughing]
You guys, you guys have animals where you come from?

[Yes.]

ANDY
Are they cute?

[No.]

CONAN
Do they eat you?

[Yes.]

ANDY
[concerned] Well, are ya, are ya able to defend yourselves at all..

[No.]

CONAN
Have you guys ever been almost eaten?

[Sad, disturbed yes.]

CONAN
Wow.. Did you get away?

[IRA and JEREMY exchange looks, JEREMY sort of rolling his eyes.]

CONAN
Was that a really.. Was that a really stupid question?

[Yes.]

CONAN
So, do you guys travel all around the universe together?

[Yes.]

CONAN
[friendly] Are you, best friends?

[Yes.]

ANDY
Is it platonic? [AUDIENCE laughs and a "Woo!"]

[Yes.]

CONAN
[curious] Did, one of you ever wanna be more than, just friends?

[IRA looks away and down, self-conscious. JEREMY looks at him, then nods yes. Audience laughs and "woo!"s.]

CONAN
Was it a really bad idea to bring that up?

[Yes.]

CONAN
Should we just say goodbye for now, do ya think?

[Yes.]

CONAN
Okay. I guess what we'll do is just go, we'll have the commercial break.

ANDY
[to the GUYS] --Sorry.-- [IRA is wistful, sadly petting the puppy, AUDIENCE is going, "Awww"]

CONAN
--I, it was very upsetting. We'll be rightt back with, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everybody. And uh, you're gonna like it--

[Band strikes up and AUDIENCE cheers. IRA is still with the dog. His friend JEREMY is looking on, not without concern. (Show goes to commercial break.)]

Last Updated: 1 Dec 1999