TOM PETTY
[calm] There's too many singers Artie, there's three people here already that think they're singing, goodbye to Larry.

ARTIE
Yeah?

CLINT BLACK
[approaches] Hey, I don't know what you're tellin' him but you told me, that I was doing the goodbye song.

TOM PETTY
Quiet down cowpoke, I'm talkin' to Artie--

CLINT BLACK
--Hey, those were your exact words---

ARTIE
[calm, admitting] Well, that's right, I guess I didn't--

TOM PETTY
Look, I thought I was your Bette Midler. This is bullshit.

GREG KINNEAR
Hey you guys, let's -- let's not forget why we're here, all right? It's Larry's final show.

TOM PETTY
Was I talking to you?

GREG KINNEAR
Well, you are now..

CLINT BLACK
Hey look, this guy's nominated for an Oscar, all right?

TOM PETTY
For what, "Talk Soup"?

[KINNEAR grabs PETTY's lapel! BRUNO, ARTIE, and CLINT get in and separate them.]

BRUNO KIRBY
--Hey! Wait! Take it easy! Greg! Coome on.--

ARTIE
--Whoa! Hey! Guys, hey! Whoa! Boy! Oh!--
> [separated] Boy. I haven't seen such a rumble since {Stalls played Altimont}..

TOM PETTY
Well, then you don't need me.

ARTIE
Aw, come on, Tom.

TOM PETTY
[leaving] You already got Roy Rogers.

CLINT BLACK
[grabbing him] Hey, man, wait! Come here! Come here a sec!

[ARTIE, BRUNO, and KINNEAR dive in to break it up!]

ARTIE
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

KINNEAR
Kick his ass!

ARTIE
Watch the hat!

BRUNO KIRBY
Crap! It's like a rodeo in here!

LARRY
Welcome back, my goodness. This is a really fantastic night.
My, uh.. [the AUDIENCE is still cheering]
next guest, I have to tell you folks, uh, honestly,
[cheering is subsiding] when I -- uh -- knew that I was goin' to be doing this last -- uh -- farewell show, uh the First Person, that I asked for is this, uh, next guest who, is, in my opinion, if I may say, the uh, First lady of American, comedy, Miss Carol Burnett. Carol Burnett!

[BAND plays as CAROL BURNETT comes out, AUDIENCE happily applauds. She is wearing a red jacket, black skirt, high heels. They hug, grinning and sit. They lean forward talking at the beginning.]

LARRY
I, I, I.. The -- w -- The audience loves you, I love you. What an honor to have you here on uh, my, my last uh, night.

BURNETT
[has been saying "thank you" and "Aw"] Thank you. Thank you.

LARRY
Thank you.

BURNETT
An' thank you for that, that beautiful introduction.

LARRY
Oh, well, I meant it. Honestly, from,

BURNETT
--Yeah--

LARRY
from my heart, it's--

BURNETT
--So, I--

LARRY
You were the first person that I called to, have on the show. Thank you for, for being here.

BURNETT
[disbelieving, flattered] What do you -- I -- I really was the First Person you called--

LARRY
You were the literally, the first -- honestly -- the first person that I called when I said, "Ya know what--

BURNETT
Really?

LARRY
--I think it's over--

BURNETT
--Uh-huh--

LARRY
--I want, Carol Burnett."

BURNETT
And I was the--
[AUDIENCE laughs]
To be on the show?

LARRY
To be--

BURNETT
Yeah.

[AUDIENCE and HANK are amused.]

LARRY
There was that, too.

BURNETT
There was that, too. But you know, uh!

LARRY
The first.

BURNETT
I. I don't, I don't believe you.

LARRY
You should believe me.

BURNETT
I, I -- no, ah -- I don't believe you because I know, I was not, the first person you called.

LARRY
[sigh] You were the first.. Wasn't she the first person we called?

HANK
You're -- you're -- you -- no, he's speaking the truth.

BURNETT
-- No. No. No, no no. No, no no.--
I know I wa -- uh.
[looking off stage, calling over] Ellen.
Ellen?

[ELLEN DEGENERES comes out from off stage to surprised, enthusiastic applause! She's wearing a gray pants suit. HANK and LARRY are amused, ELLEN and CAROL hug and HANK moves over so ELLEN can sit next to CAROL.]

LARRY
What a nice surprise..

ELLEN
[a little awkward] Yeah.

CAROL
Ellen? Uh.. When, did, he call you?

ELLEN
Umm, Tuesday morning..

LARRY
Ohhh..

CAROL
[to LARRY, you're busted] You called me on Wednesday..

LARRY
[pause, headache] Don't do this to me.. I called you.. [clears throat]

CAROL
Wednesday.

LARRY
But did -- I called you..

CAROL
Her, Tuesday.

ELLEN
[echoing] Tuesday.

LARRY
Please, this is my last night.

[AUDIENCE has been amused, laughs.]

ELLEN
[amused, to CAROL] Speakin' of last shows, your show--

CAROL
-- {That was} I saw your, I saw your last shhow.

ELLEN
Well. Yeah, let's just talk about you first, because I am [C:"Okay."] just such a huge fan, an' I just, your last show, was just so moving, and so touching.

CAROL
Well, I loved, I loved what you did on yours. I had no idea. I, I -- I mean, I love your work, but I had no idea that you were that, versatile.

[While they have a low key talk show of their own, the AUDIENCE laughs at LARRY's awkward reaction.]

ELLEN
Yeah!

CAROL
But I mean with the -- all the stuff that you did on it.

ELLEN
A lot o' people don't know I started out as a plate spinner, but it -- it -- it's just the stuff that uh--
[HANK and CAROL are laughing] It -- people will catch up eventually.

CAROL
You know what I wish?
I wish, that, I still had my show, so that we could, work together and we could do, sketches, and {the whole nine yards}--

ELLEN
I wish that -- we -- that would be so great to work with you, because I just think you're the most brilliant.

CAROL
Well, maybe we should do it.

[AUDIENCE applauds enthusiastically!]

ELLEN
[during applause] Wow.. They want us to do it.. I, I, I wish that I still had my show so I could have you on. Actually, so--

LARRY
[a little put out] This is my, this is my last night..

[AUDIENCE laughs. CAROL and ELLEN just pleasantly, briefly, look at him and return to their conversation. AUDIENCE laughs at his look at being left out.]

BURNETT
I understand that sometimes you do questions and answers on your show.

ELLEN
--Yeah! I--

BURNETT
--That you, that you talk to the audience, aan' you--

ELLEN
I used to talk to the audience every night before the show.

[As they continue, LARRY stands, looking at the backdrop, then finds his way behind their chairs and crouches between them.]

BURNETT
That is so much fun.

ELLEN
Yeah, I love that, I miss that. That's what I'm gonna miss.

BURNETT
Yeah, you know what I'm doing now. I go out, I go out on--

LARRY
You know, this is my last night. And it would really mean a lot to me if you guys could, just -- I'm over there.

ELLEN
[nonplused] Well, what, what's a Shame is that you would, go out like this as a Liar. But anyway, so you -- you --

[AUDIENCE reacts with "Oooo!"s.]

LARRY
[to camera] Why don't we take a little break? An' let me try to figure this out.

ELLEN
Sure. But anyway, I -- the -- but you do the question an' answer thing now--

BURNETT
I go out on tour--

ELLEN
--Right?--

BURNETT
--and I go -- Yeah, I go on tour annd I do "Q & A"s and it's wonderful 'cause you -- like fly by the seat of the pants -- it's not written like some of this stuff.

ELLEN
Yeah. Some of this, stuff--

[LARRY's been looking pricelessly out of his depth at the camera. The AUDIENCE laughs.]

LARRY
[to camera] We'll be right back, no flipping.

[AUDIENCE applauds to commercial.]

LARRY
Our next guest. You're not gonna believe it. We've, dreamed of having him on.. He's probably, never dreamed of being here but we have him tonight, it's a rare occasion, one of the finest actors alive, ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't be a bigger fan. Mr. Sean Penn. Mr. Sean Penn!

[AUDIENCE applauds long as SEAN comes out! He wears a casual jacket, open shirt.]

LARRY
[while applause goes on] You know, first of all.. look at this. Huh?
Now let me ask you this. You live, you do not live in L.A. Am I correct?

SEAN
No, I live up in -- uh -- Northern California.

LARRY
Well, thank you for coming.

SEAN
Sure.

[AUDIENCE applauds and whistles in appreciation.]

LARRY
[during applause] Well, let's not.. I wanna -- let's not make a big deal about it. It's not that long a flight. I mean, everyone's like "Wow, he flew all the way from Northern California!"

SEAN
Oh, it can be a long flight. It can -- I had a, a stewardess, tell me as we were landing -- I had a script I was looking at.

LARRY
Right.

SEAN
She said uh, that I had to put it away, for landing. This was a script.

LARRY
A script.

SEAN
Yeah. And I, y -- y -- you know -- you have a magazine on your lap, they don't say anyth'n'. [L: "Right."] But I think she -- she ah-ah-ah -- had it in for me.
[AUDIENCE laughs]
And, and I could see she had that nasty, thing coming up an' I just decided "No." And I said -- d-you, "No."
[AUDIENCE laughs]
She said, "You're gonna have to, give me that script, sir" -- an' I -- I said, "No." It (she called it a script).
And uh. So she goes, an' talks to the pilot, she comes back and says, "Sir, I have to tell you that you are in violation of a F.A.R."

LARRY
Of afar.

SEAN
Which I figure is Federal aviation regulations.

LARRY
That you're not allowed to have a script.

SEAN
Right. So why don't they-- marshals could come in here right now 'cause I violated a F.A.R.

LARRY
[amused] Was the script that Bad?

[SEAN is amused, AUDIENCE is laughing.]

LARRY
Well. What was the script, if I may ask? What was the story line of the script?

SEAN
Uh. I didn't get that far because I wasn't really reading it, I was just wanting to try an' annoy her.

LARRY
Just trying to annoy the stewardess--

[AUDIENCE is applauding.]

LARRY
Well, you did the job. Let me ask you this, what, what is coming up next?

SEAN
Uhh, well, I just finished a movie called -- uh -- "Hurlyburly."

LARRY
Ah! That's was a -- uh -- that was a play, wasn't it?

SEAN
Right. David Rabe.

LARRY
David Rabe. Yes.

SEAN
Right. Yeah, an' great cast. So..

LARRY
Who's in the cast.

SEAN
Uh, Kevin Spacey. Anna Paquin. My wife, Robin, Garry Shandling.

LARRY
Wow!

SEAN
Chazz Palminteri.. an'..

LARRY
What a fantastic cast, huh?

SEAN
Yeah, good, good group.

LARRY
Fantastic cast.

SEAN
Yeah, sort of the, the spectrum of acting ability. Huh! Ha ha.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

LARRY
Who's on the low end of the uh, ability there?

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

SEAN
Oh the low, I'm not gonna go, you know, There. Ha ha.

[LARRY laughs nervously with him as AUDIENCE laughs.]

SEAN
But we made a great movie I think.

LARRY
Well, good luck with it. Why don't we take a break and we'll come right back. No flipping! We'll be right back.

[As the AUDIENCE applauds to commercial and the BAND plays, LARRY quietly thanks him.]

FLOOR DIRECTOR
[off camera] Clear!

LARRY
That was fantastic.

SEAN
Oh, thanks.
[bored, gossipy, leans to him, quiet] I'll tell you who. It was Shandling.

LARRY
Really.

SEAN
This guy, unbelievable. The most insecure man I ever met in my life. Had no focus at all..
He, before our director, Tony Drazan, would even say "cut," he'd look at me an' say, "How was I?"

LARRY
Really?

SEAN
Relentless.

LARRY
Wow.

SEAN
[is getting a cigarette] Yeah, an' it didn't stop there. You know, then -- I don't know, if he knew, that my wife an' I were together or.. [lights cigarette] or what it was, but, he was um, constantly after her trying to get in her trailer.. And then he's got like 200, Acting coaches around. An' I got on the set the first day an' I thought they were extras! You know, it's, it's..

LARRY
Wow.

LARRY
You know him from his, hugely successful television show, and from his many, movies, please welcome: Tim Allen! Tim Allen!

[The AUDIENCE cheers loudly as TIM ALLEN comes out, waving at them. He passes LARRY, does a double take and shakes LARRY's hand.]

[We see that the TV set we're watching is in the agency conference room with the marble table. STEVIE is sitting watching the show, but is more focused on the two lines of cocaine on the table in front of him. Another AGENT comes in.]

STEVIE
Hey! Close the fuckin' door!

AGENT
I heard the news about Jon Stewart. What, he's leaving the Agency?

STEVIE
[stands, distraught] Yeah! You know why? He says he caught me in a lie. [sniff] Right. "Oh my god, I told a fuckin' lie!" Yeah, I told him his fuckin' show would run for twenty years! He didn't seem to mind that lie!

AGENT
Look, can I be honest with you? He's got Nothing. Now, I'm telling you. I took a shit this morning with more talent.

STEVIE
Fuckin' Artists. They're all Crazy, neurotic.. babies!
[snorts a line]
You want? Uh!

AGENT
[taking the straw] Where'd you get it?

STEVIE
Jimmy Fedderson. [(AGENT is snorting the line)] He gave it to me at the Simon Weisenthal dinner. [sniff] Uuuh! God damm it -- fuck! I can't tell you how easy our job would be if we didn't have to deal with Talent.

[They both watch the show. LARRY is interviewing TIM ALLEN.]

TIM
--but none of us are happy.

LARRY
You--

TIM
Ten years.

LARRY
Yes, ten years.

TIM
Ten years -- a big deal.

LARRY
Well, I appreciate it.

TIM
Everybody in the business is gonna Miss you so much.

LARRY
That's so kind of you.

TIM
No, no, I'm -- that's serious.

[STEVIE and the other AGENT are at the door, leaving.]

STEVIE
[looking back at the TV show] Fuckin' celebrity circle jerks!

[The show continues. The AUDIENCE is applauding the sentiment.]

LARRY
I have some free time, well let's get together. I look forward to that. An' I mean it. You got me.

TIM
[agrees] Mmm. Ten years, can I say it: ten years.

[AUDIENCE cheers and applauds.]

LARRY
We'll be right back. No flipping. We'll be right back.

[AUDIENCE is cheering and applauding to commercial as the BAND plays. LARRY leans to TIM to speak confidentially.]

LARRY
That was fantastic, thank you.

TIM
You're welcome.

LARRY
You want to get together next week, maybe, an' do something?

TIM
My kids are coming to see me.

LARRY
--Your kids.--

TIM
[getting up] Anyway, I gotta, split. Uh.. I got stuff to do-- [stands]

LARRY
Well, thanks for coming by.

TIM
--Ten years--

LARRY
You want my home number?--

TIM
[backing away] --I got your home number. It's been great -- fabulous stuff, fabulous stuff. [is leaving]

HANK
[quietly calling] Hey, Tim, Tim.
[(TIM stops)] "Jungle to Jungle"?
[two thumbs up, in all seriousness] Underrated.

LARRY
[during applause] We're back, and.. Welcome back, now, before..
[applause settles] Uh, weee, uh.. bring out our next guest, I guess this is where we're goin' to take a moment to, uh, hear from uh, Hank. I understand you've got something you would like to..

HANK
A little something I'd like to say.

LARRY
--to say.

HANK
Thank you. I -- I've been waiting, uh, for this. Uh, I uh, I just want to say, in a very heartfelt an', an' deeply sincere, way -- ah -- for the--

LARRY
[looking up, heard a small noise] Oh my god, Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry Seinfeld! [stands to greet him]

[AUDIENCE cheers, whistles, and applauds! JERRY is grinning, nicely dressed, and calm. HANK gets up, shakes his hand, and motions he's giving him his seat. JERRY and LARRY shake hands and briefly hug across the desk. During this, LARRY's saying: "Very Nice. Let Jerry sit here, let Jerry sit here. Oh my god, thanks for coming by."]

[JERRY sits, the AUDIENCE is still whistling and cheering!]

LARRY
[about the applause] My god..
What a..
[as applause dies down] What an unexpected.. what a pleasant surprise for you to come by!

JERRY
Well, Larry, I just wanted to come by, and let you know that.. we're gonna miss you and to say goodbye, an', I think you're really doing the right thing.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

LARRY
Thank you, that means so much to me, thank you so much.

JERRY
[calmly to HANK] And that was very touching, by the way, what you were saying.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

HANK
Thank you. Uh -- that was just the first part. I wasn't, I wasn't finished.

JERRY
Oh. Well. If that was jus' the first part, then it was fantastic.

[AUDIENCE and LARRY laugh as JERRY nonchalantly turns back to LARRY, an inside joke at HANK's expense.]

JERRY
But uh. Anyway, Larry, uh, we're certainly gonna enjoy, watching you in syndication.

LARRY
--Oh. No--

JERRY
--After this.

LARRY
This show isn't gonna be syndicated, but--

JERRY
Oh, that's right, that's me. [AUDIENCE chuckles]

LARRY
That's.. That is you. You're thinking of you.

HANK
[stressed out, serious, to camera] The last ten Years,
[(J and L stop and look)] have been your gift to the people of this country. But they've also been a gift to, a man who goes by the name of Hank Kingsley.

[JERRY has been holding back from saying anything.]

JERRY
[quiet, to LARRY] Every night?

LARRY
[quiet] Every night.

JERRY
[quiet] Well, you're definitely doing the right thing.

[The AUDIENCE and HANK can hear. HANK is stoic, the AUDIENCE awkwardly laughs.]

LARRY
[amused] Why don't we take a break? No flipping, we'll be right back.

[The BAND plays and the AUDIENCE is applauding as they go to commercial. ARTIE is waving the AUDIENCE on.]

LARRY
My next guest uh, is -- an' we're so lucky to have him. He's a fantastic singer. He's a friend and he's uh, been on the show many times over the years. We're lucky to have him, Clint Black! Clint Black, ladies and gentlemen!

[The AUDIENCE enthusiastically applauds as BLACK comes out and shakes hands with and hugs LARRY. BLACK and HANK shake hands. They all sit.]

LARRY
Well. This is a, a terrific crowd. Thank you for participating in this, in this evening.

BLACK
An' this is a night, night to be on. They said if I, did real well you'd, have me back, again. [AUDIENCE laughs]

LARRY
[encouraging] Let's see, let's see how it goes.

BLACK
You know, I had a surprise for you.

LARRY
What would that be?

BLACK
It was a surprise for me an' they forgot to tell me what it was, so..

LARRY
So it's a surprise for everybody.

BLACK
For both of us.

LARRY
[indicating behind BLACK's chair] Now I see that there was a, if I may say..

BLACK
Can you say?

LARRY
A guitar back there.

[AUDIENCE chuckles, then enthusiastically applauds as BLACK pulls it out and plugs it in.]

LARRY
[grinning during applause] What is that? Oh my goodness.

BLACK
See, I was hopin' they would say that.

LARRY
I think that we would all love to hear you, sing. What are you goin' to, what--

BLACK
Well, I'm such a huge fan. We all, I -- I think I can, speak for everybody, not just here in the audience, but at home, that we hate to see you go. An' we uh--

LARRY
[appreciative] Thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE applauds in agreement.]

BLACK
[while casually strumming] So I uh, I wanted to think of something that would be uh, appropriate, that I might sing to uh, kind of maybe embody what we all feel an' uh, an' maybe a little of what, you feel, although, without talking to your shrink--

LARRY
Play the damn song.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

BLACK
I'm not sure..
Anyway, this is uh, this is a song that uh, I think will, really say it all--

LARRY
[terse] Thank you.

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

BLACK
[grinning in amusement] But uh..
Now I have to get sentimental. [AUDIENCE laughs.]

[CLINT strums to set the tone, a sad mellow tune.]

CLINT
[sings] "I've been bound, to leeeeave you.. We'd been on that foo-oor a while.. I'm sure it's somethinnn' I can't do, if I can't, leave you wiiiith a smile.. I don't know how far.. I'll have to go 'til I'm sure those eyes wooon't cry. And in my mind I've left eeee-nough to know that I can't leave you.. With a bad goodbye. Goodbye. Easier said--"

[Off stage, BRIAN and MARYLOU are looking on, disappointed, sadly musing about life as CLINT sings.]

MARYLOU
[quiet aside to BRIAN] I got another job.

BRIAN
[interested] Oh! Great, tell me.

MARYLOU
[resentful] It sucks. I'm gonna be the contestant coordinator for "Jeopardy".

BRIAN
[being nice] Oh! I like, l like that show!

MARYLOU
[bitter] Yeah, right. I get to spend all day asking a bunch of fucking eggheads if they know anything about the Monroe doctrine!

BRIAN
Huh! Well, get this. Hank offered me, a job. 300 dollars a week with no benefits.

MARYLOU
[regretful] I'm sorry..

BRIAN
I'm thinkin' of takin' it.

[CLINT's song has gone on, an ironic accompaniment for them.]

CLINT
"I'm still bound.. to leeeeave you.. I surely don't know how.. My heart won't let meeee puu-uut you through--"

[Elsewhere off stage, BRUNO KIRBY approaches ARTIE at his post.]

BRUNO
[quiet] Artie.

ARTIE
[ready to shake hands] Hey Bruno! How you doin'?

BRUNO
[hands up, quiet] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're bumping me?

ARTIE
What?

BRUNO
[quiet] The man is singing, the fucking goodbye song. I can't believe this shit!

ARTIE
[looking at his monitor] We'll, have you on another time..

BRUNO
Did you just hear what you said? There is no, "another time." The party is over, this is it!

CLINT
[singing] "There is no wayyyy to, flyyyy."

ARTIE
[subdued, quiet] Excuse me. Thank you.

[BRUNO waits, is watching CLINT sing.]

CLINT
"But a man just makes it all too clear, I can't leeeeave you--"

BRUNO
[to self] A man singing to a man.. How fucking sick is that? [leaves]

CLINT
[is still singing] "..goodbye, gooooodbye. Easier saiiid than done.. Goodbye.. There's no goooood when you're the one whose goodbyyyyye you swoooorrree would never come, an' myyyy.. goodbye you're finding how can I be, so far between where we are and one moooore try. And any wayyyy I look, I've oo-oonly seen, that I can't leave you, with a bad.. goodbye.."
[to LARRY, as AUDIENCE applauds] Goodbye Larry, we'll miss you.

[They shake hands.]

LARRY
[quiet, to CLINT, pats his back] Thank you, Clint.
[to AUDIENCE] We'll be right back. No flipping, we'll be right back.

[AUDIENCE applauds appreciatively as BAND plays to commercial.]

LARRY
[during applause] Well, welcome back.
I'm uh, thrilled to have had the people on tonight that have come here, to uh, say goodnight. You know, television is a uh, risky business. And uh.. you uh, you want to entertain, you want to try and do something new every night. Wanna say something fresh. Uh, nine times out of ten you end up with "The Ropers."
[AUDIENCE chuckles] But.. hopefully.. uh occasionally, uh, there are nights, when we're not.. uh, one of those Nine. And, I have many, many, many talented people to thank for, uh, making this show, uh Work, the way it does every night. Artie, who uh, of course uh, the most talented television producer uh, around and -- uh -- without whom I could not have done, the last ten years. It's an honor, sir, thank you so much.
[pointed at ARTIE and saluted him -- ARTIE salutes back, more nobly, and nods, waves, acknowledging the loud applause] And..
Of course, Hank Kingsley, who.. I joke about every night, but.. besides the fact that he is Such a talented man, he's a good Friend, and I, thank you.
[HANK understatedly appreciates LARRY and the applause from his chair]
And, my assistant, uh.. my assistant Beverly, who I could not do the show -- uh -- without, and, all of the writers and staff and crew, thank you so much. And, uh -- to you at home, thank you so much..
[stops, looks over toward the desk, sad, touched]
For letting Us be in your, house every night to entertain you. It's an honor and, uh -- to tell you the truth? I don't know exactly what I'm going to do without you. Thank you so much.
God bless you, and you may now flip. [restrainedly upset]

[The AUDIENCE cheers and applauds loudly, "Wooooo!"s. Long standing ovation! ARTIE is enthusiastically gesturing to AUDIENCE in agreement: big mouth open, arm up waving them on. Then, still during the applause, ARTIE comes over to LARRY, still on the high stool. (Note: the 'Y' is back.)]

ARTIE
[touched, happy] Well, Buddy, you did it. It was great. It was a great show.

LARRY
Really?

ARTIE
Yeah.. {Absolutely} Heh heh!

[LARRY's upset, ARTIE hugs him, patting his back. The applause is ending as the AUDIENCE quickly is heading out. ARTIE's patting LARRY on the back in congratulation when LARRY looks up at him.]

LARRY
[quiet, sort of desperate] I can't get off o' the stool..

[ARTIE thinks he's joking, thinks that's great, chuckles.]

LARRY
[whispering] I can't move my legs. [ARTIE still thinks it's a joke]
[more normal voice, very serious] I can't get off the stool.

ARTIE
What?

LARRY
[earnest, quiet] I can't get off the stool.

ARTIE
Yeah? [looks down at the stool]
[sees he's serious] Well, here, let me help you. [arm around him, helps him off, the applause renews]
[an arm around LARRY, walks him to the curtain] Yeah..

[Behind the curtain (ARTIE still supporting him) BEVERLY, who's already upset without this, grabs LARRY's free arm.]

ARTIE
Larry sprained his ankle.

[LARRY's trying to be dignified, looks quietly desperate.]

LARRY
I should have waited another six months.

BEVERLY
[weepy, reassuring] --Oh, no. No Larry, it's all over--

LARRY
--I should have dragged it out a liittle bit--

BEVERLY
--You did good, you did good--

[The rest of the staff (PHIL, on a cell phone, and BRIAN, and MARYLOU) is there applauding as they pass.]

LARRY
[starts moaning] Oh god. Ooooh, god.
[aside] I hope we beat Leno.
[as the three go into his office] Oo-ooooh, God.

ARTIE
Hello, Stranger!

LARRY
Well, well, well..
What are you doin' here?

ARTIE
I want to be in a.. Just bein' a sad and pathetic shithead, like you -- Huh! Sit down.

LARRY
[mellowly amused] Really.
[sitting on a step by him, sighs]
You know, now that I see the desk like that..
I don't know why we didn't try it before..

ARTIE
Oh hell, if we'd.. done it that way, we'd probably still be on the air. Listen, I'm not gonna get all uh.. Gooey kiddo, but.. I'm sure as hell gonna miss ya. You're a very clever man.. an' in spite of all the daily.. "this an' that," the -- your constant, whining about the size of your ass, all the shit I -- you made me clean up because o' you were too much of a pussy to do it yourself, uh.. Anytime I came down here, I always forgot all that because.. you made me laugh.. And that's what I'm gonna miss.. Oh oh! I'm gonna miss those laughs!

LARRY
[pause, looks up] An' the part about the, whining about my ass, you're gonna miss that a little bit, aren't you?

ARTIE
Ah Ha!

LARRY
[leaning to him, quietly teasing] 'Cause who else is gonna whine about their ass if it wasn't for me? Come on!

ARTIE
[tickled] --Hee hee hee hee-hee! Ooooh! He knows me all too well!
[hailing HANK] Hey! Here we are, the happy trio! What -- havin', a last look-see, Hank? Before, it all goes the way of: television.

[HANK has wandered to the stage and sees them.]

HANK
[loud irony, a bit drunk] Thank you! [heading up to them]
Thank you, for not letting, me say my Thank You. I mean I knew you guys were pieces of shit, but I, you know. I had no idea.

ARTIE
[regarding him as a fool] Ha ha. Weeeell, try not to be such an asshole, will ya?

HANK
[quickly approaches, testy] Hey, don't tell me what to do, okay? You're not my Boss anymore. That is, Over.

LARRY
What is your problem?

HANK
[testy, about to grab LARRY] What is my problem!

ARTIE
[stands] Hey!

HANK
[righteous rage and irony] What is my problem?! I spent the last ten years, being the butt of your jokes, the little, the little, little fucking dog at the end -- at the end of the couch? [suddenly self-loathing, less upset] But, you know -- huh-uh -- it's My fault because I smiled and I let it happen, I -- because this face was being seen by, Millions of People every, every, every night, and there was lots o' money, and there was lots o' pussy--

[LARRY and ARTIE have sat back down.]

LARRY
Well. More.. money than pussy..

[HANK rushes at LARRY, who stands, alarmed, but ARTIE quickly intervenes!]

ARTIE
[roars] Grrrr! Oooo-oooo-oooohh..

LARRY
--What is wrong with you?--

HANK
[testy rage] No more, no more! I swear to god no more! One more -- one more remark an' I -- I -- I -- I swear, I -- I -- I'll fuckin' choke you, with my hands!
[breathing heavy, sees they've stopped laughing at him yet are apparently pointless to talk to, he is walking away] I'm sorry, muh -- I'm just sorry.
[turning to them] I mean -- uh but -- there is a -- There Is A Book Called "Hank,
[indignantly gestures up and down his body] Kingsley." But there's a new Chapter, and you! sir, are not In it. And you! Sir. Are Not In it. [turns completely around once, stops]
An' all I gotta say, is, "Fuck You."
Fuck you. Fuck You for the way you've, for the way you treated me, and the Joke, the Joke you made me out to be.
[calm, waves index finger 'no'] Fuck you. [dignified, calm, walks away]

[ARTIE had been silently big mouth laughing at him but got serious faced on the "Joke" part. He and LARRY smile.]

ARTIE
He's such a goddamn idiot but I truly love him. Ha ha ha. Well.. [sitting] this is a nice, way ta.. bring down the Curtain on a long career..

LARRY
[seated] You retiring?

ARTIE
Absolutely. Shit yeah. I'm just sssick an' tired of all the bullshit.. Scraping an', Bowing.. fuckin'.. executives who think that.. creativity is nothing but a.. a counting problem.. So, I'm, had it, an'.. that's it for me, and I ain't never comin' back.. [serious]

LARRY
[pause] I thought you uh, took the job on "Roseanne"..

ARTIE
Oh, that's just a consulting gig! You know. That doe'n't count.. Rosie wants to come back, nice this time so, she wants to have me come around one day a week to scare the, shit out of her staff.. Money's good, so I couldn't turn it down..
[There's banging noise in the distance.]
What the hell was that?

[It was HANK, now returning, oddly still somewhat dignified as he comes back in, helplessly about to cry, shaking his hands as if they're wet and as if he is symbolically ridding himself of what he'd said: picture of regret.]

ARTIE
What is it.
[sympathetic] Oh ho ho ho.

[ARTIE and LARRY are coming down to meet him. They both hug him, sympathetically and with amusement like brothers, pat his back.]

HANK
[still crying, into their hug] I'm sorry.. I'm sorry, I..

ARTIE
Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha.. Ah, come on.. Ah ha-uh!

HANK
[helpless crying into their hug] Oh, it's such a bad day.. Could you..

LARRY
[pause, ever the funny man] You can have the couch.

HANK
[calms, still helpless, on verge of crying again] Ah, great, oh, great, great.. Could you give me a hand? I thought I had the car in reverse an', I ran into the fucking dump-ster.. it's, it's Hooked on my bump-er!

ARTIE
[amused, sympathetic] Ha! Come on, Lawrence, let's help our brother here. He's aaall, hooked up on the dumpster.. [arm in arm with HANK]

HANK
Ohhh. Yes..
[lighter, turning to them] Hey, what are you guys do -- uh -- doin' tomorrow? You want to -- you wanna like -- get together..

LARRY
[hands up, false regret] I've got a date with Illeana Douglas..

ARTIE
Oh, good for you.. I guess it's us!

HANK
[to HANK] I love you--

ARTIE
[amused] --Oh -- Ha ha ha ha!--

HANK
[turning to LARRY, going to kiss him] --I Love you, I love you, mmm..

LARRY
[leaning back] -- No, don't -- don't, don't, don't..

[HANK kisses LARRY's cheek and turns to ARTIE.]

ARTIE
Oh--ho -- please! Ha -- {sa,} will ya--

HANK
--I'm such a--

ARTIE
[affable, arm in arm with HANK] Let's -- Hank -- let's go, let's -- let's, let's go to the smokehousse an' uh, we'll think this over first.

HANK
[upset, self-loathing] I'm such a prick.. Uh!

[ARTIE gleefully chuckles as he leaves with HANK, arm around him. LARRY stops at the "STAGE 11" podium off stage, looks back, then follows them out with his hand up in the air.]

SHAWN COLVIN
"Tonight you're mine,
completely
you give your love,
so sweetly..
Tonight, the liiiight of love is in your eyes..
But will you Love me tomorrowwwww?
Will you still Love me,
tomoooorrowwwww.."

 
 
 
[The End - time: 54:10]

Last Updated: 10 Jan 2002