Out of Context Quotes

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"What about China?" -Mike
"What do consultants do?" -Dan
"Companies hire you to… help them." -me
"Well, I knew that." -Dan
"Your tie doesn’t match your hat." -Caitrin
"Wash behind your ears." -Dan
"Work harder!" -me
"What’s your relationship between you and Mike?" -Dan
"Well, we’re not really friends, we’re more like… soul mates." -me
"What is with all of your jewish friends not liking me?" -Dan
"I guess I’m just bridging the gap between…" -me
"Jews and gentiles." -Dan
"Between Jews and Dan." -me
"I'm going to go into economics, and I'm going to redefine the field!" -Jeremy
"But if you redefine it, then you aren't really in it." -me
"All I need to be happy is an aerobie and my philosophy books. And maybe Catherine." -me
"And laser eyes." -Dan
"And piles of gold. And unlimited power." -me
"It's a good thing that calculus books do not include knives. Because then I would never get any work done, I would just stay up all night making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." -me
"How do you tell your friends that you couldn't make the swim meet because you were stoned?" -TV commercial
"Because you were stoned? Stone her, she's a witch!" -me
"What job were you best at?" -guy in zombie movie
"Being a dad." -Guy 2
"Being not dead?" -me
"Can zombies open doors?" -Alan
"No, that's why he's building a ram." -me
"He's building a ramp?" -Alan
"Actually, he's building 5 smaller ramps, and stacking them on top of each other." -me
"How do zombies attack?" -Guy in movie
"Well, what happens is you spot one in front of you, hunched in the bushes. You stare at him, and he stares right back at you. That's when the attack comes, not from the front, but from the sides..." -me
"Hello, this is the Chagrin Falls fire department. We have been made aware that there is a sizable conflagration on your property. We wanted to check whether you needed 2 or 3 fire trucks." -Answering Machine message from Alan's dad
"What is college like?" -Gerald
"It is like high school if you never left the campus. Actually, it's 3 hours of classes, and then the rest of the day I read" -me
"Oh my God..." -Tim, in horror
"Are there parties?" -Tim
"Well, there are cocktail parties..." -me
"Ah! There's a zombie behind that door!" -me
"And under the table!" -Alan
"And behind that picture-frame!" -me
"Don't go that way, it's filled with zombies." -guy in movie
"I have to go that way!" -Another guy
"I'm looking for gold! Now that everyone's a zombie, who is going to guard the gold?" -me, starting a long line of gold jokes
"Dad, you were supposed to meet me here in the bookstore, where were you?" -me, on phone
"I tried looking for you, but I gave up, bought iced cream, and went home." -dad
"Oh. Did you buy me any iced cream?" -me
"No, we ate it all." -dad
"Oh." -me
(Sorry, dad, but I just had to include this quote. You can rest assured that every other time in which you could have bought me iced cream, you did.)
"Those are some limber PhDs." -me, while watching Jurassic Park
"I wish girls were witty." -Sara
"What's wrong with your life? What are you afraid of?" -me
(looking up with tears in her eyes) "Organic Chemistry." -Catherine
"This little kid put his bare ass on my pillow. I can't allow that, one's pillow is one's most intimate object, and this kid put his naked ass on it. I told the kid that I was going to take a canoe paddle, shove it up his ass, spin it around so that it liquifies his organs, pull it out, and then beat him with it. My threat did not work as I had thought, since all of the kids would then compete to see who could get the most creative threats out of me. One kid told me he was going to sit on my pillow. I told him that I would beat his ass. He said, "That's it?"" -Andrew
"Catherine, since you don't want kids, you can give them all to Andrew." -me
"Yeah, bring on the little brats." -Andrew
"I wish I could have existential conflicts like Hamlet. That guy is so cool." me
"So, Joe, in 5 minutes you have put down my home town, my sports teams, Geoff's judaism, anything else?" -Catherine
"I'm Iago!" -me
"No, I'm Iago" -Joe
"They were working at a surgery kiosk in the mall." -me
"Dinner last night was good. There was fried shrimp and steak." -Andrew
"I was kind of upset because there was no waffle bar. Those are usually on Wednesdays." -Jesse
"I was so upset that I had to rush back to my dorm room and make my own waffles. I had to make them with flour, water, and a hot pot." -me
"So they were more like pancakes..." -Jesse
"Actually, they were more like paste." -me
"Can we play the Family Guy DVDs on your laptop?" -Catherine
"No, I don't own a laptop anymore. All I own is this 7-pound paper weight. But look how well it works! Geez, these papers aren't going anywhere." -me
"Is there tennis in Tennessee?" -me
"What do they do with the ice rink in the summer?" -Catherine
"Fill it with Jello." -me
"Feed children to it." -Dan
"Max, there's been a theft. Someone stole all of the tape off of my bike." -me
"God, I just love staring at walls." Samantha
"With Jeremy and I, one of us is the smart one, and the other's the funny one." -me
"You're jealous of ME?" -me
"Riding a bike is like flying on the ground." -me
"I have taken 2 bio electives. They're easy A's. I want to take another one next quarter." -Brian
"Next quarter I'm taking the mathematics elective Really Big Numbers." -me
"That sounds cool, what do you do?" -Ka
"Add them, multiply them, and enjoy the novelty of using such really big numbers." -me
“Hey, have you gotten to the part yet where Hamlet sees Fortinbras’ army and gets all inspired to go back and avenge his father?”-me
“Geoff, this is Dante’s Inferno.”-Joe
“What book am I thinking of?” -me
“Hamlet.” -Joe -Dinosaur-themed week-
“In Nepal, instead of cows, they had buffalo. They would milk buffalo, eat buffalo…” –Sara
“Did people go buffalo tipping?” –me
“What’s buffalo tipping?” –Anne
“Well, cow-tipping consists of pushing a cow over. The cow is then unable to get back up. I don’t know if people can actually tip a cow over.” –me
“It doesn’t seem like hurting a cow would be much of a challenge. You could probably kill one if you had a hammer…” –Jeremy
“If you could be any character in Jurassic Park, who would you be?” –me
“The paleontologist” –Mike
“The rich guy.” –Jeremy
“A raptor.” –Dan
“Hey guys, I figured out a way to move electricity up to 25 miles through the air!” –me
“Do you use wires?” –Jeremy
“No, I use airplanes.” –me
“We could put batteries in the airplanes and then catapult them 25 miles!” –Jeremy
“This is not necessary, there are other ways to Isengaard! There are other ways we could go!” –Boromir, from Lord of the Rings
“Monorail” –me
“tiiiiitrrrrraaaaate……reeeeaaaaactiiiioooon!” –Catherine, dubbing over the eye of Sauron’s scary mumbling
“The cave troll’s parents went to Yale and Princeton. They had high expectations for the boy, but they couldn’t keep him away from those paint chips.” –me
“I don’t patronize bunnies!” –dad in the movie Heather -The tour I gave of the Art Museum I work at-
“Here you’ll find the Frank Lloyd Wright Chairs where the guards take naps on regimented 15-minute increments. Here’s the Frank Lloyd Wright Table. It’s rumored that Frank carved this table on his death-bed, delivering the final cut upon his death. Here’s painting called: Homage to green squares. What’s unique about this painting is that there are in fact 4 squares. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, because they’re inside of each other. Here’s a painting of a whore. This is ancient Asian pottery. The arts of Asia are like the arts of the West except worse. Here’s a pot. The blue is supposed to represent dark blue. This gallery is sculpture with light! Here’s a blue and pink light. Stare at it for 30 seconds. Now look around, everything’s green! Isn’t art with light cool?” -me
“According to Freud, everything has meaning!” –me
“How about in the sky?” –Dan
“Of course. The sun represents sexual love for your mother. Now those clouds, they represent the repression of those sexual drives. It’ll probably result in hysterical rain.” –me
“We should go on a double date with you, Samantha, Catherine, and I. Except instead of Catherine I would take Joe, and instead of Samantha you would take Dan.” –Jeremy
“And instead of me there would be a dinosaur.” -me
“Do you know what freedom is, Geoff? Freedom is NOT WEARING ANY PANTS! Beautiful freedom!” –Mike Poetry duel: (to the best of my memory)
“Did you live near the Ohio river?” –me
“I lived in Toledo.” –Jeremy
“Once, in my youth, I sailed down the Ohio river. I came upon a field of gardenias. There was once a grove there, but the land was not tended to. It was as if, for a brief moment, heaven had come down to earth. We are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men, with heads made of straw, our voices like wind through dry grass..”
“Geoff is quite an accomplished memorizer of poetry.” –Jeremy
“And I can remember Apocalypse now after 3 days!” –me
“I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas.” –Jeremy
“This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.” –me
“I can recite all of Poe’s Anabelle Lee.” –Jeremy
“And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain, thrilled me, filled me, with fantastic terrors never felt before, so that now to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating, tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door…” –me
“(To Catherine) Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate….” –Jeremy
“Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor…. “ –me
“You can’t win, I’m an English major.” -Jeremy
“Tyger, tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night…” –me
“See the world in a grain of sand, and the heavens in a wildflower…”-Jeremy
“Neither borrower nor lender be..” -me
“by indirection my direction find…” -Jeremy
“Go thee to a nunnery” –me
“To sleep, but perchance to dream, for in that sleep of death what dreams might come…” –Jeremy
“Out, out, brief candle, for life is but a petty player…” –me
“Out, damned spot!” -Jeremy (It keeps going)
“So you’re a bio major. Good, I have a lot of random bio questions to ask you. What kind of DNA should I splice in with Dinosaur DNA if I want to engineer Dinosaurs?” –me
“Turkeys, they have the most similar DNA.” -Catherine
“Were there really dinosaurs that spit, like in Jurassic Park?” –me
“Yes.” –Catherine
“I don’t think I have any questions which are not related to dinosaurs.” –me
“Damn! Some guys get all the luck!” – random guy on street
“Life is full of suffering.” –Indian waiter
“Yesterday, when I worked in the art museum, we had the inner city 10-year-olds come through and make all of their dumbass comments. Today, the lab school kids came by. They’re the kids of the professors and other rich people. Man, they were discussing the focal points, the contexts of the paintings, it was a different as…. black and white….
“I have a horrible memory, I always forget the characters in books and movies.” –Colleen
“Whenever I watch a movie, I always put Jeremy into the role of the main character, so I can never remember who the actual character was. Like that time Jeremy killed all of the stormtroopers…”
“Oh my god, I was about to make a star wars allusion…” –Jeremy
“I was thinking about stormtroopers too.” –Colleen
“Jeremy, cast the ring into the fire! No, Jeremy , you can’t be dead, because I… I love you…” –me
“What’s that from?” –Colleen
“Matrix. You know, I once made a full-length parody of the matrix” –me
“Oh my God, one time I came home late from the reg, got off of the elevator, and saw 2 people dressed completely in tin foil! I didn’t ask questions, I just kept walking.” –Catherine
“I hope you all brought plates and forks!” –study break provider
“Hee hee!” –Jeremy and I, lifting our plates and forks at the exact same time
“What’s great about studying psychology is that whenever you have relationship issues, the other person automatically becomes a repressed neurotic!” –me
“Geoff, I stopped by your homophobic state last week…” –Mike
“I have to admit, I just hate all minorities!” –Joe
“What did you do for valentine’s day? Go on a date?” –Joe
“I read Freud’s theories on sexuality, so in a way, yeah.” –me
“It’s balls of sugar which are fried and then dipped in sugar.” –Mike
“Good, because my family has no history of diabetes.” –me
“What do you do if someone touches the artwork?” -Catherine
“I grab their wrist, twist their arm behind their back, and use my other arm to slam their face into the painting.” –me
“Who’s in the Arts of Asia gallery?” –Dan (walkie-talkie conversation)
“Just me.” –Travis
“Is there anyone else in there?” –Dan
“I’m the only person you need in here.” –Travis
“I mean are there any patrons?” –Dan
“Oh, good call. Yeah, there are 3.” –Travis
“When are you going to ask her out?” –Mike
“Right after my best friend stops dating her.” –me
“Geoff, do you want to go roll some big snow balls across the grass with me?” –Dan
“No thanks, I was planning on being chained to Rockefeller chapel, where vultures would constantly peck at my liver.” –me
“I’m reading over a screenplay for a play.” –Kara
“What’s it about?” –me
“Well, it’s about a man who rebels from a mechanistic society by having sex with monkeys.” –Kara
“Are there musical numbers?” –me
“No, it’s supposed to be a serious play.” –Kara
“Sex with a monkey tonight….” –me
“Atheists are sad, lonely people. If you see one, tell a parent or a priest immediately. DO NOT TALK TO THEM.” –christian website for kids
"It's really hard to eat skittles with chopsticks." -Andover girl
"Yeah, that's why I use a fork." -me
"How do you juice a pommegranite?" -Dan
"Pommegranite accelerators, they collide and make juice." -me
"What good is living if you're not alive to enjoy it?" -me
"It's hard to draw eyebrows." me
"Shit, Geoff, your father called. P.S. We need to talk" -Mike's dry erase board messsage
"How are you feeling?" -me
"Tired and full." -Jeremy
"I think you can express yourself at any point in terms of how tired and how hungry you are. 'Yeah, by girlfirend broke up with me. Classes didn't go well. I can't find meaning in my life. Overall, I'm hungry and sleepy.'" -me
"Being hungry and awake means that you're in love!" -Jeremy
"Can you be hungry and awake but not in love?" -Samantha
"I guess you can be hungry and really awake, which means you're suicidal." -Jeremy
"James' philosophy is the only non-arbitrary philosophy, but it explains why choice itself can and ought to be rather arbitrary." -me, in class
"I bet Freud's friends would sneak up to his bed at night and whisper, "This is your father, you're worthless! Heeheehee!" while he slept." -me
"I don't know how to express to this person the utter stupidity of this paragraph. I think I'll draw flames on it. There, now the paragraph's on fire." -me
"Cathrine, you 've been asked out by more guys then the rest of us combined!" -Abbey
"Yeah, but each of you has been asked out by more non-neurotic guys than I have." -Cathrine
"Are museum guards allowed to wear roller skates while they work?" -me
"I wonder if I can use Freud's theories to screw you up, maybe make subtle associations between your social and parental relationships. 'Hi mom... oh, I mean Cathrine...'" -me
"Let's build a leviathan out of snow! "me
"Ooh, I'm Geoff, I can ski without falling on my ass." -Candice
"Happiness is a thin line between of boredom and stress." -me
"When you buy a book, you make a covenant with the manufacturer. It's an emotional bond." -Jihan
"I don't know, I stole a few books about arbitrary romanticism, and they feel the same as the purchased books." -me
"Would you have sex with a guy if you got to see a dinosaur afterwards?" -Jeremy
"Sure!" -Joe
"Hey, Geoff, what if the man was Cathrine?" -Jeremy
"Let's see, how do I answer this question without wussing out or pissing anyone off..." -me
"Geoff 'Jee-off' Domoracki" -my soc essay name
"A World Breaking Apart. Is this about entropy?" -me
"No." -Paula
"According to this philosophy, we delineate between ourselves and the outer world by what we take care of and protect. If I take care of and protect you, then I don't simply own you, you are me." -me
"It's hard to deduce your mood from your statements, Geoff." -Dan
"Our snowball fight was deontologically immaculate. Except for Dan, he failed deontologically and teleologically." -me
"You guys want to go to medical school with me?" -Joe
"As long as I don't need to take any science classes." -me
"What is artificial brain juice made of?" -Jeremy
"Dopec, dopamine, cerebrospinal fluid..." -me
"Oh, I thought it was made of jelly or something." -Jeremy
"Yeah, well, jelly and sparkles." -me
"Outside... firework sticks!" -Mike's sleeping ramblings
"They were so good-natured and moral, it almost felt bad to blatantly lie to them." -me
"Wake meat 8:00" - my dry erase message to Mike, which was supposed to be, "Wake me at 8:00", resulting in my short-lived nickname of "meat".
"Sure, you can derive everything down to money. For example, the only reason we sleep is to avoid spending money on movies and food while awake." -me
"If God is in everything and I hate you then I hate God!" -Jeremy
"If God is in everything and you hate God then God is in you and God hates himself." -me
"Stupid philosophy majors." -Jeremy
"How can we make the world more colorful?" -Samantha
"Kaleidoscope contact lenses." -me
"No, you should really go running naked. It doesn't matter that people will be taking pictures of you." -Mike
"Socrates is a subject. An example of an accident would he hard, such as Socrates is hard. Hard as in buff.... not the beavis and butthead type. I meant that Socrates is hard-bodied... at least I think that's what I meant. I think I should just stop there. So let's say Socrates is blonde..." -Professor Stone
"The only reason I'm going to gymnastics is to learn high velocity summer salts." -me
"Calling morality instinctual is like pointing a gun at a man, throwing him a bullet-proof vest, safely shooting him, and calling it a crime." -me
"there is no better example of happiness than puppies, kittens, etc..." -Darwin's descent of man
"It is possible that men get graduate degrees, pursue art, debate, and fight each other all in an effort to demonstrate to women that they would make a suitable mate." -The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller
"It's hard to disprove the existence of God." Kara
"Knowledge is infinite because you can never know when you don't know something." -me
"If all Gods exist and there is a God, then he must exist." -me
"How far can the most powerful gun shoot?" -Adam
"Well an aerobie can be thrown 3000 feet, so probably farther than that." -me
"When I grow up, I want to be a philosophy professor-billionaire-unicorn." -me
"That post looks like the all-seeing eye of Sauron." -me
"Hey, do you want to go storm the black gates of mordor?" -Stu
"After dessert." -me
"Alan is like Chagrin Geoff, but all of the time!" -Dan
"Look, it's a white boy!" -South Chicago girl on bus
"I once knit my own boxers." -John
"I'm going to start my own circle of life and you guys aren't invited!" -me
"What would you do if you had a million dollars?" -Mike
"Buy candy and duct tape." -me
"I think you're dog's glad to see us." -Alan
"You think my dog's Odysseus?" -me
"I've never met a terrorist." -Dan
"What are you talking about? We're all terrorists except for you." -me
"Everyone has converted into terrorists" -Mini
"But if everyone's a terrorist, who are you going to terrorize?" -Dan
"We'll have terrorist cliques and the cool terrorists can pick on the nerdy ones." -me
"That's a common misconception among badgers." -Alan
"A communist conception?" -me
"Come back down in the cave with us, Geoff..." -me
"Kids, don't climb on the giant board of rusty nails." -me
"What's a construct buster? Is it some kind of water capacitor?" -Dan
"Can I have a donut?" -random homeless guy
"I guess we can derive the problem of whether or not the universe is infinite down to the question: Is this sentence false?" -me
"FIRE MY LOINS!" -Mike
"Nuke the vampires." -me
"Who was that kid who always talks about freedom and order?" -Mini
"It's like using a knife to destroy itself." -me
"If a man gives you a rock, give him your baby." -me
"I have this fear that Michael Jackson's hiding in my closet." -Dan
"Free Guam!" -Dan
"Freedom is adherence to the law." -John
"Back in high school this boy walked up to me, said, "Watch this!", and peed his pants." -Rose
"Don't touch me, jew!" -me
"We should start a company for people who want to be rich." -Dan
"They have one, it's called the young businessmans' club." -Catherine
"Fine, we'll start a club for people who want to be rich but don't want to work for it." -me
"Ok, so maybe we can use higher cognition to alter our lower cognition in how we perceive the world, but the nature of our lower perception cannot alter itself in how it percives the world." -Kara
"Of course, that's an inherent contradiction. It's like trying to throw this fork forward and trying to throw it backwards at the same time. Let me demonstrate." -me
"What's the difference in creativity between philosophizing and building a napkin fort?"
"Philosophizing is more complex, there's more satisfaction afterwards." -Kara
"Sorry, what did you say? I was too busy building this napkin fort." -me
"In Switzerland, we burn forests once a year. There are too many forests, and it's really fun." -Reuben
"What is remarkable to you about America?" -me
"You mean besides dwarf tossing?" -Dan
"I have some good books about triangle theory." -Kiren
"I want you to slowly lower your partner to the ground, and then punch him in the face!" -Dan, a 3rd degree blackbelt
"When I die, I want you guys to paint a violin with my blood." -Dan
"I want you guys to paint all the walls of this house with my blood." -Lola
"I don't know, we might need to kill a few more people in order to do that." -Dan
"I'm going to get freaky and do stuff to you." -Swiss kid playing Soul Calibur 2
"All the cool kids are eating me." -Evan
"Victim turns blue. Victim puts hands to throat. Victim starts countdown. 120, 119,..." -me
"I had a dream about milk last night. I drank it all. You asked why rich kids don't come to UChicago. I said that rich kids don't need to buy more milk." -Mike
"I wish I was an heir. Then I could sit around all day with my rich friends and play Russian Roulette." -Dan
"So that's what rich people do?" -me
"Well, that and tazer tag." -Dan
"There's a ban on smoking in public places. Do you think they'll enforce it?" -Joe
"Yeah, I heard they throw karosene at you if you smoke." -me
"I'd hate to have to explain to all my friends why my face is covered in 3rd degree burns." -Joe
"Truth, Justice, and the Athenian Way!" -Professor Brubaker
"I hate you!" -Mike
"Dudley House: Proving that 12-story falls can't kill you." -my inappropriate T-shirt idea
"I like Wasabi." -girl
"You like the Saudis?" -Joe
"Yeah, they give us oil and they repress their women." -Mike
"Where's my sweat shirt?" -Mike
"I gave it to the proletariat. They said you wouldn't mind." -me
"Before Matrix Reloaded came out, I didn't know that effects had causes. I just kinda thought that effects popped out of no where for no good reason." -me
"What, you don't memorize Marx?" -me
"Oh my God, so you sound like that in real life?" -Rose, to Alan
"The artist's nickname was elongated pine tree man." -Professor Yang
"That was my nickname in high school." -me
"I wish I was an idealist." -me
"Maybe some day, if you work really hard, Geoff." -Joe
"How did you fix the alarm clock?" -Mike
"Well, I figured if dropping it could break it, then dropping it could fix it too. I take that entropy. I kicked the second law of thermodynamics' ass!" -me
"I came home drunk and started to read Sartre and I was like, "What the hell?" -John
"I turned to her to tell her to shut up and her face started to melt." -Rose
"He gets emotionally attached to his pants." -Joe
"It's better to live in the external social world than it is a computer game because real objects have a metaphysical aura." -Mike
"Mike, I would be you for holloween, but no one would recognize that it's you because you don't have any distinguishing characteristics. How would you be me?" -me
"Well, first I'd smoke a lot of weed, and then I'd refer to everything as order and fredom." -Mike
"I'm nalgene man, your punches will bounce right off of me!" -me
"What's nalgene?" -person
"You should drop-kick that goose." -Rose
"There's a hole in that tree. I bet there's a beer can in it. Ah, yes, there is. Hahaha." -me
"This apple juice has fermented." -Mike
"This iced cream is very life-affirming." -girl
"You can't affirm life! But that would be really cool if you could." -me
"I don't know if there's anything in specific I hate. Except my enemies. They can burn in hell." -me
"Yeah, I hate my enemies too." -Joe
"Huh. I don't really mind your enemies." -me
"You lost your SOJs because they were duped." -Jihan
"I hope you won't mind being in a van full of eccentric girls." -Sabine
"You're weird." -1st grade girl
"You're really weird." -same girl
"Stop staring at your hands." -Ping
"Suppress that boy! Pile sheets on him!" -me
"I've been to Portabello road." -Josh
"I don't remember if the Swiss kid has an accent. We should knock on his door and tell him to start talking." -Dan
"That's a good way to start a conversation." -me
"I really liked space mountain." -Joe
"I have to disagree with you..." -Samantha
"So Joe didn't like space mountain?" -me
"Dear Gods, set me free from all the pains!" -Sentry in Aeschyles' Agamemnon
"If we do our calculations, we'll see that the king is 729 times happier than the tyrant." -Plato, The Republic
"I wouldn't much mind feeding them to the ferrets" -me
"This is like a 4-year summer camp." -Joe
"Do you want some flour?" -me
"We call that TA the crouching tiger!" -Ping
"I wish I was a private school jew who got a 1480 on my SAT's." -me
"Your presentation was really cool, even if it was completely wrong." -Ping
"Yeah, I dressed as the death star." -me
"Can I sing for you?" -1st grader
"Hey, I can move my hands faster than you can." -me
"This must be what Jesus feels like when he's eating iced cream." -me
"Why did you hit him?" -me
"Because he called me a bitch." -girl
"Did you hit him because it's offensive or because it's not true?" -me
"I didn't think that Kendo would be a real martial art. I just expected that we'd put armor on and hit each other with bamboo sticks." -me
"Your views are a bit simplistic and anti-romantic." -Professor
"I think I'm gonna have Lila over tomorrow night, I hope that won't bother you." -Mike
"No, not at all. You can use my legos. But don't touch my flour." -me
"What do you think of the new futon?" -Mike
"It's got a real "this futon is blocking the bathroom and hallway doors" feel to it." -me
"Personally, I would never take a spork. I can't eat cereal with a spork." -me
"Yeah, and even if I could, I still need 2 sporks to eat my cereal and my mashed potatoes." -Jihan
"You eat cereal with mashed potatoes..." -Jennifer
"Of course, it's like eating pork chops and licorice" -Jeremy
"Don't chase the squirrels." -person
"Get him, Sheeba!" -Jeremy
"The rackets are for swatting lady bugs." -me
"You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally." -me
"Apparently if you are assaulted and you blow the whistle, all of the UChicago staff and students will come running out to help you." -girl
"Yeah, but then he might hit his tambourine, and all his gangster pals will come to help him. Then there'd be a really cool UChicago vs. street gang fight. It could be done West Side Story style, with everyone hunched over and snapping their fingers." -me
"We had to argue about justice from the Greek perspective and it made me really fucking angry." -me
"Am I prettier than Mike?" -me
"Look, Mike, it's the central metaphor for freedom and order!" -me
"Oh god..." -Mike
"My new strategy is to lock my bike up next to a more valuable bike." -me
"Actually, bike thieves go more for accessibility than value." -Mike
"Oh, then I'll just have to lock my bike up next to an unlocked bike." -me
"I here this show is supposed to be good." -Josh
"Yeah, they have jugglers riding bears." -me
"Do the bears ride unicycles?" -Josh
"No, they ride regular bikes, but they ride them really fast!" -me
"If I didn't know you so well, I'd think that you were gay." -Alan's mom
"I didn't get into Yale." -kid
"That's ok, it's the Cornell of the Ivy League." -me
"Why did you bring so many backpacks?" -Mike
"Well there's the backpack for biking, the backpack for my laptop, and then there's the really big backpack. I could fit 8 puppies in there. At least, that's how the backpack was advertised." -me
"Well, that's good." -Mike
"Not if you're a puppy." -me
"You can use my USB cable. We'll just use it as a communal USB cable. Someone will borrow it from you, and so on and so forth." -Sam
"Not if I start hoarding them." -me
"Then we'll out you as a hoarder." -Sam
"We should have McCarthy-style round-table hoarder accusations." -me
"You know what's better than cell phones? Hands. You can play paddy-cake, or rock-paper-scissors, or thumb wars." -me I'm tired of all these choices and freedoms. Can you just arbitrarily choose a schedule for me? Oh, just don't tell me it's arbitrary." -me
"I have to go depurplize myself" -Mr. Toleson
"You never realize your apathy until people start talking to you about stuff" -me
"They could potentially be more minty than other people" -Josh Ewing
"Hideous control now!" -Adam Epstein
"The bidet sprayed me in the face!" -Gerald Abt
"Alright, who balanced this equation?" -Alan Barnes
"Your mom's piecewise-defined!" -Alan Barnes
"Stuart, you're damned!" -Chris McCall
"My name is Captain Chaos!" -Chris McCall
"From now on I am MacGeoff!" -me
"To be on the scuba squad, you gotta be smart!" -David Bruno
"You know what they say, everyone loves music!" -me
"Then there could be a bear on each street to maul people!" -Beth Gariepy
"Why don't you just go to hell already?" -Stuart Lange
"Go to hell!" -Stuart Lange
"Burn in- in- hell!" -Stuart Lange
"I think I'd rather be physically naked!" -Professor Miller
"There should be more capes in the world." -me
"Instead of getting drunk, just get really sleepy" -Rene Murray
"Is robot oppression a big problem nowadays?" -Jenny Thompson
"An apvector of hats?" -Stuart Lange
"Imagine you saw this fetus and it said, "can you pass the salt?"" -Professor Miller
"The game nazi told me that we shouldn't drag the little kids around the hallways on paper sleds anymore." -Stuart Lange "Go- It's the smart man's hot potato!" -me
"For her birthday I gave her a kickball with my name written really large on it." -me
"I'll give you States Avenue so you can have a monopoly- wait, you own States Avenue... and no one owns the other two." -me
"Drako Malfoy's so HOT!" -Abbey Koester
"Oh my god, Oliver Wood!" -Maggie O'Toole
"Your mom does it clock-wise!" -Alan Barnes
"Now according to relativity, if we ran in opposite directions at near the speed of light and you declared velocity to be relative to you and I declared velocity to be relative to me, who would be getting older?" -me
"You know, (nudge nudge), baking cookies...." -Stuart Lange
"For my birthday I want you guys to make me paper lightsabers." -me
"Do I have a match? Not since superman died." -Mr. Buckle
"I brought Clockwork Orange to Shanon's house and Adam got so disgusted by it he shattered the tape on the floor." -me
"No, put that down! Chocolate bars are not a good lunch!" -me
"If your parents loved you, they'd be here by now." me
"Hmmm, he smells nice." me
"Hey, little kid, go run up to Stu and say, "You're an ignorant dogmatic wuss!"" -me
"University of Chicago- where fun goes to die." -Alan Barnes
"Lakeland doesn't sell Lakeland logo sweaters. They sell Lakeland wife beaters and Lakeland tattered rags." -me
"I.... I didn't... I didn't want you to put my hotdog in a bun..." -Seth
"Domo, what do you want? It's 11:30 at night! I'm not going to find scrabble for you. No, I won't put it out on my front porch. Don't call me after 11:00. Please, don't call me this late." -someone
"Doesn't Geoff suck?" -people
"It's Ok if you're a bad driver. It just makes your passangers appreciate life that much more." -me
"It's all just neurons anyway." -me
"And that's me with my foot stuck in the existential void." -Alan Barnes
(flinging the Go board into the air) Dah, but my strategy was perfect!" -Matt Knauff
"I distinctly heard penguins." -Alan Barnes
"Write the balanced equation for the combusion of Gerald." -Alan Barnes
"Do you know the song Rocket man? Well it's you. You're the rocket man." Abbey Koester
"Boy will your face be red when it turns out that there's no God." -me
"Please don't eat the babies." -sign
"I'll slowly deprive Adam of everything he defines himself by. Hey Adam, Astrophysics sucks!" -me
"It's weird to walk into school and find posters with your face on them covering the halls." -Stuart Lange
"If I could choose from any psychological disorder, it would be that I could fly." -David Bruno
"Order is defined as a state of order" -Chris McCall
"that's 65, not 60! How the hell did you win that award?" -Mr. Ricci
"I'm taking my DNA over to a different table." -Chris McCall
"Give me the f*cking calculator back, Alan!" -me
"Here's your f*cking calculator, and I hope you f*cking choke on it" -Alan
"Stu's officially a pedophile." -Matt Knauff
"Die!"
"Death!"
"Just give up!"
"It's all over!" -Stuart Lange
"Sarcastic comment #53" -Stuart Lange
"Is it true that if you feed an ant baking soda, it will die because it can't burp?" -Gerald Abt
"You don't get it because your thought isn't God-based!" -me
"Why was the voice telling Harry to kill?" -me
"Lousy carbon (growl), if carbon were here right now I'd jack him in the face." -Alan Barnes
"I thought those were Alan's legs and I was like, Jesus!" -Matt Knauff
"Because it's so cute! Oh, aqueous redox, that's a good aqueous redox..." -Alan Barnes
"There's air underwater, you just gotta find it!" -me
"It's a big, fat molecule." -Mr. Buckle
"It's squishy! ....No, it's fluffy! ....No, it's squishy! ....No, it's fluffy!" -AP Chemistry argument
"The sunlight decomposes lead into carbon." -Mr. Buckle
"We weren't afraid of lead, we were tougher back then." -Mr. Buckle
"Do you want to jump on the band wagon?" -Stuart Lange
"I have my own band wagon, thank you very much." -me
"But everyone's on my band wagon!" -Stuart Lange
"Is there a difference between hot water and normal water?" -Chem student
"Today we still use coal tar as a sandwich spread." -Alan Barnes
"My shirt's still covered in TV shmutz!" -me
"You're getting an F? I'm getting a C and I'm.... God!" -random hallway kid
"Chemistry is violent." -Matt Knauff
"So are cock fights." -me
"Ha ha ha, Abbey got groped by the sticky hands!" -Emily Smith
"I play stop alot." -Dick Goddard
"This looks racist." -Dick Goddard
"If you eat a German, do you turn into a German?" -Maggie
"No, it's like eating chocolate" -Abbey
"Bake a pie, get a guy!" -Abbey
"I objectify guys often!" -Abbey
"Pi? Oh, that figures, you invited the math geeks to our house." -Abbey's mom
"Stuart's getting liberal hair." -me
"If I was hungry, I'd eat his flesh!" -Britton
"Pillows? That's how they punish people in Taiwan!" -me
"Yeah, I read a lot of books. I once read a book that derationalized the reading of that book. It wasn't a very good book." -me
"I think I'll just give up on University of Chicago and go somewhere warm and stupid." -me
"I need Tungsten to live." -robot on the Simpsons
"So, if you're in a lightning storm, can you just jump into a vat of distilled water?" - Josh
"No. Only if it's been only a few minutes since your last distilled water shower." - Mr. Buckle
"So, ideally you need two big vats of distilled water." -Alan
"The problem is we're being bottom up in our quest to be top down" -Stu
"Can you be bottom-down?" -Barnes
"I declare the two meter radius around me my own country" - Stu
"If malicious things can be malignant, can propitious things be propignant?" - me
"You remind me of a velociraptor" - Barnes
"Alan, sit back down" - Mrs. Petite
"Geoff, I've completed the AP memory leak class" - Josh
"Someone left their shovel at shovel club" - random middle school announcement
"He really knows his way around a watermelon" - me
"The p stands for jihad" - Stu
"It made sense in context" - Barnes
"But this is an out of context quote list!!" - me
"after this, can we watch 'Nerdy Dancing'" - me
"Chris, when you were in Hawaii, did you tandem surf with your Malibu friends while you beat back the sharks with a golf club?" - me
"Mr. Buckle, can we make a lightsaber too?" - Stu
"I think Descartes was right! (pelvic thrust)" - Barnes
"Have you ever tried sitting down with a pad of paper and writing down whatever came to your mind?" -parent
"I can't write that fast." -me
"It's hard to be imaginative when you're weighed down with arbitrary constructs!" -me
"There are advantages to having a small robot." -me
"Yeah, you can fit it in your sock drawer!" -Barnes
"What? Oh my god......" -Mrs. Petite
"Domo, only you could build an apathetic robot. It just gives up and whines." -Barnes
"Man, I'm like the best person ever." -me
"Hey, Josh, I wrote a song about you during English class. Oh wait, no I didn't." -me
"What time is it?" -random hallway kid
"We won't know until 3:00." -another random hallway kid
"You guys are awesome, wanna start a club?" -me
"My favorite rivers are the Mississippi and the Potomac Rivers. Once I saw a river and I was like, 'sweet jeses, a river!' But it was just a hill." -me
"Can you put the poster of the C++ external dependency folder next to the poster of me looking disapprovingly at you?" -Barnes
"I thought I should engage you intellectually so maybe you'd stop hating me." -Barnes
"Ok, Friday night we'll all watch fight club at my house and then the next day we can drive down to Ikea!" -me
"Don't hit Matt anymore, the principal is watching." -Gerald
"A definition is everything something is and nothing it is not, the verb 'is' meaning exists as. If a definition involves something's properties of existence, how do you define existence? God damn it." -me
"McCall, I wrote a song about you last period. I taught it to Adam. There's a dance to go along with it. Come on, Adam, I'll give you the tempo." -me
"Kalima! Kalima! Rip your heart out, show it to you, Kalima!" -me
"Adeeooken!" -McCall
"Don't need money....." -McCall
"Mrs. Petite, who do you hate more, me or Alan?" -Stu
"What's your position on pet rocks and cheese whiz?" -random debater
"Well, I like them more than I like you." -Barnes
"What would happen if you dropped a nalgene bottle onto another nalgene bottle?" -me
"I'm gonna invent a system of mathematics with a constant for every situation." -me
"Give me back my scrap paper you bastard!" -Barnes
"Mr. Toleson has your test scores in his room." -Mrs. Petite
"Let's storm his room with pitchforks and torches!" -Barnes
"How about if we go with pitchforks and snowcones?" -me
"You know what they say about guys with a lot of chi." -Barnes
"I think that every few questions on that math test should be things like "how much damage does the gavel of pain do?"" -Josh
"So there is a god!" -me
"I forgot how to multiply!" -Stu
"Just divide by the reciprocal!" -Barnes
"The future is a beautiful neural construct!" -me
"You're the apple in my back!" -Kris Magnuson
"Life is like a cigarette; it's short and it ends in fire." -me
"Will it fall?" -me
"Stop throwing the Tao at me, Geoff." -Stu
"Would you rather eat a pie or die?" -me
"Who would win in a fight, a cougar or a cyborg?" -me
"When I go to college I'm going to major in politics and poetry so I can hate life!" -me
"Evidently if you want to kill Satan you have to use a rocket launcher!" -me
"It's more efficient to divide the vector into two parts and sort each part." -mrs. petite
"Isn't that like saying 'If I cut my sandwich in half, I'll be able to eat it faster'?" -Barnes
"Ismar called me stupid!" -Emily
"Are you?" -me
"What do you do next, Mr. Domoracki? MR. DOMORACKI!" -Mr. Toleson
"Back in the medieval ages, your knighthood ranking was determined by the size of your forearms." -me
"Really?" -Chelsea
"But this is nothing but empty, meaningless, altruistic drivel! Won't the scholarship committee see right through it?" -me
"No, they're looking for that sort of stuff." -dad
"People have bad taste in quotes." -Barnes
"It's all bullsh*t!" -Stu
"Yeah, but it's the fun kind of bullsh*t! The kind that you and your friends get together and play in! Bullsh*t fight!" -me
(deep, heavy breathing) "You're poopy!" -me
"Is it a mushroom? Poke it!" -me
"Bear left. Well, I say we avoid the bear." -me
“What’s great about Chicago is that we have a money booth.” -me
“How does that work?” –girl at Chagrin wooden castle
“Well, you get inside, the wind blows the money around, and you have to catch it.” -me
“How much time do you get?” –girl at Chagrin wooden castle
“Well, how much money do you need.” -me
“Before I die, I want to kick someone in the nuts. If you really loved me, would you let me kick you in the nuts?” -girl2 at the castle
“Well, I guess it depends on what type of shoes you’re wearing.” –me
“How about barefoot?” -girl2 at the castle
“Oh, yeah, that’s fine.” –me
“Could I kick you now?” -girl2 at the castle
“You’re not barefoot.” -me
“They’re just sandals.” -girl2 at the castle
“It’s the principle.” –me
“She’s from Germany.” -girl1 at the castle
“Oh, no wonder she’s enjoying the tire swing.” -me
“Eh?” -girl1 at the castle
“They don’t have tire swings in Germany.” -me
“They don’t?” -girl1 at the castle
“No, they were associated with Nazism and banned after WW2.” -me
“She says that they have tire swings in Germany.” -girl1 at the castle
“Well I’d assume there’d be some kind of underground.” -me
"It's gutterrific!" -Seth