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In case you haven’t guessed by now Professor Xavier didn’t actually write this, Acetal did. People’s names have been changed to protect their identities. The above is a series of gross over-generalizations,distortions and exaggerations intended to be funny. If you don’t find it funny then why are you still reading this? None of it is meant to be taken seriously. It was written just after I realized that I have no life.

I take no responsibility for anyone who actually follows this advice and winds up being dumped, slapped, shot, or even gets married. The X-Men belong to Marvel, yada yada yada.

Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Shi'ar.

by Acetal

Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Shi'ar.

By Professor Charles Xavier

a book for relationships in the '90's

 Introduction

Imagine that men are from Earth and women are from Shi’ar. Now one day long ago a man had a dream. A dream about a woman who was much bigger and stronger than he was who wore leather and ruled an Empire. Then the man woke up and felt decidedly embarrassed.

Then one day the dream became reality. The man from Earth and the woman from Shi’ar met and fell in love. But they both realized they had responsibilities that kept them apart, so they decided to try to have a long distance relationship.

Rule One:

Long distance relationships work if you let them.
The further apart the better.

Their relationship went fairy smoothly until the man found another even more powerful woman who lived on Earth. The woman who lived on Shi’ar found out about this and felt betrayed. She was just getting drunk enough to do something about it when she looked through her telescope at the woman who lived on Earth. She realized that it was actually a man (let’s call him Bobby) in disguise and had a good laugh.

Rule Two:

Men and women like to make each other jealous to test how strong the other's commitment is.
The normal response to this is to get really drunk, then have a giggle, then fall over.

The man from Earth by this time felt he had gotten to know the woman from Shi’ar fairly well (actually it only took him until he noticed that she had a face too; you can’t be too careful you know.) and told her he wanted to take their relationship to the ‘next level’. At first she thought he meant he wanted to commit, then she realized he was talking about sex. He pressured her and pressured her until finally she put out just to get him to shut up. This of course was a total flop. The woman from Shi’ar felt oddly disappointed about this. But instead of keeping a stiff upper lip she told him how she felt.

Rule Three:

If he can't get it up don't put him down.

The woman from Shi’ar wondered why the man from Earth had such problems staying erect. Then she realized, the wheelchair might have something to do with it! Later she found out that an ex-girlfriend of his was dying of a rather nasty virus. She confronted him with this and made him take a test. The results came back negative but her trust in him was damaged and she decided she wasn’t talking to him any more because he wouldn’t tell her things. Of course he claimed that he hadn’t told her because he was afraid of how she would react but she knew that wasn’t the real reason.

Rule Four:

If you don't tell your partner things they will stop talking to you... This is usually a bad thing.

The woman from Shi’ar was looking through her telescope at the man from Earth (carefully because the last time she had been arrested.) when she noticed that he was with a beautiful redhead who was even more powerful than she was and wore even less. But, she remembered what had happened last time, (and besides he’d already proved to her that he couldn’t keep anything up for long.) so she had a good laugh.

Then she sobered up and realized that no way was that a man! She sent the men who for some reason were always hanging around her; Gladiator, Pounce and Surge, to get rid of the two timer and the tramp. The woman from Shi’ar then decided have a bubble bath because even she needed to pamper herself occasionally. When she got out, she noticed that her men weren’t back yet. She looked through her telescope and saw them with the red-head!

Rule Five:

If you want a job done right you have to do it yourself, because the man will never do it the right way.

The woman from Shi’ar then aimed an ion cannon at the red-head and blew her away.

Despite all of this the woman from Shi’ar decided to marry the man from Earth, because he was the only man she could find who didn’t wear spandex and besides she had terrible taste in hair styles. She told him she wanted greater commitment. The man promptly went insane and destroyed most of New York, but nobody noticed because they were more concerned with their own problems.

Rule Six:

When women say 'commitment' men hear 'marriage'. To a man this is the scariest word in the world. Even scarier than 'shopping', 'housework' and 'Mother-in-Law'.

The man from Earth was introduced to another man from Earth whom we shall call Sebastion. Sebastion put the man in a nice cell. It was padded so that no-one else was disturbed by the man giggling and raving about a ‘Dream’ he had had. The man from Earth thanked Sebastion and decided to write his memoirs.

Rule Seven:

Despite the stories, padded cells can spice up your love life even
more than the ones with chains and leather straps.

Testimonials from people who all sound strangely alike:

A couple, let’s call them Jane and Scout from Phoenix, once came to me for some advice about a difficult situation. Jane asked me "What should I do if I have an identical sister and she locks me up at the bottom of New York Harbour, then marries my fiancee by pretending to be me?"

I told them first of all, sell your story to the press. Then kick your sister’s butt, take everything she has and get all your friends to snub her.

Rule Eight:

A cup of tea never solves problems... Use strychnine.

Jean took my advice. This is what she had to say: "Professor Xavier is the best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks to him I may have lost a sister, but I gained a son."

Another couple, let’s call them Warrick and Betty from Los Angeles were arguing about the clothing that the other liked to wear. I advised them, "Warrick, if Betty likes to wear slightly skimpy clothing, let her. It’s her way of feeling feminine." and to Betty, "Betty, if Warrick likes wearing pink, whatever you do, don’t indulge him. He is sick, sick, sick! Lock him up, call the police!" I even offered to help her.

Rule Nine:

Double standards about clothing? What double standards?

Betty took my advice. Warrick was taken away, where they locked him in a pink cell with pink curtains as part of a colour psychology campaign intended to make prisoners less aggressive. For Christmas they sent each other crackers and pink butt-floss.

This is what Betty had to say: "I owe the Professor everything! Thanks to him I finally realized that Warrick was screwy, he had to be put away. And the Professor certainly kept his end up and let me wear all the skimpy outfits I wanted. The Professor is certainly a fine, upstanding member, of the medical community."

Rule Ten:

Reward yourself.

My book can even benefit people who are not in a relationship. For instance, Roger, a player for a major team told me that they had a problem with being touched. I told them to reconsider their career and gave them treatment for their condition.

Here’s what Roger had to say, "Thanks to Professor Xavier I now spontaneously touch people all the time. In fact I was recently named ‘most arrested player’. I have two boyfriends, and I will kill you if you ever tell anyone. I’m planning to come out in retirement."

Roger was subsequently named ‘the player I would least like to get in a huddle with’ by members of their team after frequent bruisings, and ‘the player I would most like to get in a huddle with’ by fans. Roger became one of the most popular players and launched their own line of products.

Rule Eleven:

Grab them by their balls and their wallets will follow.

What they say, and what they really mean

When a Woman says:
She means:

"Its so good to see you again."
"I hate your guts."

"We really must see each other again some time."
"I never want to see you again."

"For me? You shouldn’t have."
"You really shouldn’t have."

"We can still be friends."
"You’re not worth thinking up an original way of dumping."

"I’m not decent."
"I haven’t got my makeup on."

"It’s not you. It’s me."
"It’s you."

"Is it hot in here?"
"Make a move, dummy."

"Maybe you should ask for directions."
"I know that tree over there better than I know you."

"Its been a lovely evening."
"It was a disaster!"

"Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Wanna get naked?"

"You were great."
"For all of 30 seconds."  

When a Man says:
He means:

"Hi."
"I want to have sex with you."

"You have lovely eyes."
"You just caught me staring again."

"Would you like to have a cup of coffee some time?"
"All the blood has suddenly left my brain."

"Nice dress."
"I can’t think of anything to say."

"Great dress!"
"I can see your nipple."

"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I want to get you drunk, then have sex with you."

"I’m ready to go."
"I’m ready."

"You look just like your mother."
"I’m drunk and you’re ugly."

"You were great."
"I’m ready again."

"Could you move a bit to the right?"
"I don’t care if you’re naked, can’t you see I’m watching the super bowl?"

Rule Twelve:

Men are scum.

Clues that now would be a good time to run

She’s southern, wears gloves, and the last man she kneed ended up with a broken jaw.

He grabs your nipple, claiming to be worried about deflation.

He says he’s over 50, he only looks 30 and you think you’ve seen him on tv somewhere.

Black lipstick, claims to be over 5000 years old, and looks it.

She wears leather and claims to be a millionaire.

As they get into your car they rip the door off.

He tells you that you’re the first girlfriend who remained conscious for this long.

His name is Creed.

He claims to have X-ray vision and is looking at you strangely.

You’re conducting important research and she happens to be a reporter.

One word. Fangs.

He asks you if you really believe that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then tells you he wants to have your baby.

Your spider-sense is tingling.

He insists on taking a sample of your blood first, just in case.

"Hello Chere."

Asks if you’re one of Them, then insists on a body cavity search.

Invites you to join the 20 mile high club.

Claims to be an alien but looks strangely human.

One word. Spandex.

He looks better in your clothes than you do.

Claims that he’s a techno-organic alien and he wants to probe you, in the name of science of course.

He’s on a respirator and on the first date he just wants to hold your hand.

People keep dying in mysterious circumstances whenever you’re date.

The bulge in his pants is his gun.

Asks, just out of interest, if you’re wearing any underwear.

Their idea of a romantic weekend is one where when you get kidnapped, you get taken somewhere remote.

You keep getting interrupted by exploding Sentinels.

His father looks younger than he does.

They refer to themself in the third person.

Conclusion

While this guide is by no means comprehensive, it does point some of the major pitfalls in having a relationship. For a more comprehensive instruction in the errors of eros, courses can be taken at one of the many Xavier Schools for Higher Yearning around the country. Remember, if a relationship doesn’t work, it is never your fault. With ‘Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Shi’ar’ you can learn how to show your partner exactly how wrong they are.

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