Home (You Are Here)Inside Jokes

Okay, this is the random fun stuff page. Not that the rest of the site isn't random and fun, but this is the shoutout/jokes/kooky stories/etc. page. And since I am against boring shoutouts (you know the generic boring ones: *giggle* hi to all of my friends!!! <list of names>), I am going to do mine differently so I am unique and not generically boring!!! (No offense to those with generic boring shoutouts!) So release yourself to total and funky (yes, funky) randomness!
p.s. Some of these are blond jokes, and while I know that some of you inner and outer blonds may take offense, just realize that I put them here just for the funniness, and not to prove that they're true, cuz they're (hopefully) not. If you wish, you may insert "brunette" or "redhead" into wherever it says "blond", or you may file a complaint.
p.p.s. Some of these are forwards that you may reconize, so thank you to those who started those forwards!

First of all, shalom to all the funkadelic/coolio Kadimaniks/Kadimers out there! Swig rocks! and also, hylow to Donny, Steroid Boy, Scotter , Clarence, Torrence, Bub, Mr. Saturn, Wassup to Moo Cow, Burly Man (you are NOT a man!), Slimey, Hootchiemama, Shmitty <Dingleberry!!!> <Bob the gas molecule!!!>, Whatever to Nallen , Serge, Cait, Frog, Brave, and HIHIHI all the other abnormal online people, Carrot, Femur, Krispidery, Hat Guy, Visor Guy, and Fringe Guy, etc. etc. etc....and especially all my dance buddies!

For the very serious ice cream lovers!!! (note: you may have to be Jewish or understand Hebrew and Yiddish to understand this!)

Ben & Jerry's has announced that if Gore/Lieberman are elected,
in a move of solidarity, their ice cream will be available in the following
flavors:

Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr! 'i Hagafen
and finally (drum roll,please).........
Simchas T'oreo.

It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen.

And if GW Bush is elected, it will be plain vanilla in a
plastic cup.

Pillsbury Dough-boy's Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was
an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Skippy.

The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much
he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him
up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A little tune was worked up over Thanksgiving
for the election situation!

Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things".

Some chads are dimpled, and some need correcting.
Some chads are dangling, and some are expecting.
Ballots allegedly chewed by a goat.
These are all part of the Florida vote...
Cheney and Baker and Poppy conspire,
Ruling out dimples 'til judges retire.
Payoffs to precincts, however remote.
These are all part of the Florida vote!

When Dan Rather,
When Tom Brokaw,
Make the final call,
We'll all wax nostalgic for President Bill
Who wasn't that bad...at all!

Check in the closets of Jeb and of Harris.
Absentee ballots and tickets to Paris--
Partisan trysts on a Miami boat--
These are all part of the Florida vote...

Butterfly ballots in post-larval stages,
Recounts in Broward, Republican rages,
Dubya and Al Gore at each other's throat
These are all part of the Florida vote!

When the chads fall,
When he's sworn in,
When it's fin'lly done,
We'll fondly remember the Bush-Gore campaign,
But won't really know...who won!!

SPELL CHECKER-

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

This is actually not that nice, but funny. So don't take this as a list of things to do!! Just laugh and move on!!

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents are
sleeping. (why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz. (alcohol last longer)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not help old ladies cross the
street. (just leave them in the middle)

I love this next one! Whoever's creation this is, THANK YOU!!!

1. Only in America.... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...... do people doublecheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...... do we use machines to screen calls and then have call waiting we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...... do we use word to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood sucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

In case you needed further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special.]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's just a suggestion.]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope.]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For or outdoor use only".[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".[NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!
15. On a Meridia weight loss commercial: "not for people with anorexia." [but they just wanna be skinny!!]
16. On a commercial for a pill to reduce the side effects of menopause: "Side effects may include hot flashes..." (the box did say reduce, right?

Thanks to BunchieCrunchies for most of these next ones...your constant emails really pay off!

51 Things To Do In a Store

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding
them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the
day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
got a Code 3 in House wares" and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
the volumes to "10".

Play with the automatic doors.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

Repeat in the jewelry department.

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
"test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
and
say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on lay away.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.

 

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

TP as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you
people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
any
in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if
he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"

 

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Fall on the floor laughing. Even better if you rant incoherently about
losing your musical toothbrush.

50 Ways to Confuse the Heck out of People in Dining Halls

Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils.
Inhale your food.

Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people
come
in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining
hall needs new ketchup.

Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your
food.

 

After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window.
Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name
of dish] fly like that before?"

Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is
introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot,
a
simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil
cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own
concoction.
When he or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal
yourself.

 

After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look
at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or
not.
Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china.
Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it
would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey
Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of
interest.
Then "involuntarily" drool.

Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your
body and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

(For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then
remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down.
Sit on your food and let out a loud sigh.

Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your
meat with them and pretend not to notice.

Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to
the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button.
Complain that it goes too fast.

If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food,
yell, "HEY!" and shake your head.

Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the
time
you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the
person next to you to be your Food Tester.

Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the
premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're
enjoying
their meal.

Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion,
shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they
have rights too?!"

Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into
your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.

Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice
you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done,
go
up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8
grains
and proceed to make a scene.

Same as above, but with burgers.

When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try
some."

Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably.
Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours
while
giving everyone an evil eye.

Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain,
weightlift them.

Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab your
knife
and start hacking at the meat.

Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall,
stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining
hall,
but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

Practice snarfing.

Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves the
same food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit
back on your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, "It
doesn't taste quite right the second time."

Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically.
Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will
have
some peanuts."

After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food
alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether
you should put orange juice under "o" or "j."

Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be
afraid to speak while your mouth is full.

Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the
cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get
too
much milk.

Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"

Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew
more.

Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser.
Then
announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot
Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Froot Loop
eaters.
Proceed to crush the green Froot Loops and sniff them.

Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything
unfinished.

"Pass the pepper and salt, please."

Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating.
Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: "I've got a large,
hard banana. Wanna piece?" For Women: "I've got a moist, wet fruit cake
(or cherry). Wanna indulge?"

During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with
your pet turtle.

Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup.
Comment
on how nice everyone's shoes look.

If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested,
complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a
look
of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit
back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.

Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then
pause for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some
napkins. Use them as toilet paper.

Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins.

If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then
say,
"These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador."

And, to thoroughly confuse people...

Comment on how GOOD the food is!

Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight
face! This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer
company to its employees in all seriousness...It went
to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note
last sentence.

 

" Replacement of Mouse Balls"
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse
balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Unit). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding,
determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal
procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of
the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using
the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually
static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each person have a pair of spare
balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the
local personnel in charge of removing and replacing
these necessary items.

Ways to Really Annoy People

{please, no one do these things!!}

WAYS TO REALLY ANNOY PEOPLE....

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing
its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to
your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier
at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you
what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock
loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw
him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

100 Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're
going with the lowest bidder.

Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and
ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master
of Puppets" CD.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Stutter on the letter "p."

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask
for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from
an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
Camp,
right?"

Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself
and
say "No, I don't."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

Rent a pizza.

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh
of
relief.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well,
so
is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
proof
that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know
what it's like to be lied to?"

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When
the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye
at
the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

Play a sitar in the background.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask to see a menu.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"

 

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was
I? Who are you?"

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these
be included in the pizza.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in
Tinsel Town."

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
by
your sweet words."

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

Try to talk while drinking something.

Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. .
..
action!"

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Be vague in your order.

When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
time."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be
my last entry."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
get.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
that.

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Put them on hold.

Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say
"I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say
"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it,
do
you?"

When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."

Haggle.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order term life insurance.

When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't
we?"

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
embarrassed.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Order a steamed pizza.

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your
(time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...
Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

101 Easy Ways To Say No

I'd love to, but...

I have to floss my cat.

I've dedicated my life to linguini.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

the President said he might drop in.

the man on television told me to say tuned.

I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

it's my parakeet's bowling night.

it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

there's a disturbance in the Force.

I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

My crayons all melted together.

I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

I'm in training to be a household pest.

I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

my patent is pending.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm sandblasting my oven.

I'm worried about my vertical hold.

I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

I'm being deported.

the grunion are running.

I'll be looking for a parking space.

my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

I have to fluff my shower cap.

I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

my plot to take over the world is thickening.

I have to fulfill my potential.

I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

it's too close to the turn of the century.

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

my subconscious says no.

I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

I left my body in my other clothes.

the last time I went, I never came back.

I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

none of my socks match.

I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

I'm having all my plants neutered.

people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."

I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

my yucca plant is feeling yucky.

I'm touring China with a wok band.

my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

I never go out on days that end in "Y."

my mother would never let me hear the end of it.

I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil
Metabolism.

I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it
down.

I'm too old/young for that stuff.

I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.

I have too much guilt.

there are important world issues that need worrying about.

I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

I feel a song coming on.

I'm trying to be less popular.

my bathroom tiles need grouting.

I have to bleach my hare.

I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
{o yeah!}

you know how we psychos are.

my favorite commercial is on TV.

I have to study for a blood test.

I'm going to be old someday.

I've been traded to Cincinnati.

I'm observing National Apathy Week.

I have to rotate my crops.

my uncle escaped again.

I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

I have to go to court for kitty littering.

I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

having fun gives me prickly heat.

I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for
me.

I have to jog my memory.

my palm reader advised against it.

my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

I have to stay home and see if I snore.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I think you want the OTHER [your name] .

I have to sit up with a sick ant.

I'm trying to cut down.

.. well, maybe.