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give me my fuckin life back [11 Jan 2004|2:32pm] [ mood | i dunno.. still.. ] [ music | coma white - marilyn manson ] sooo... just got back from st. louis like an hour or so ago... eerm, so bored, simsalabim got fifth in the welcome stakes on thursday, at the show that i went to [in st. louis... no shit] and then yesturday he couldnt go in the grand prix and kick everyone elses asses, as he had gotten into the limestone in the bottom of his stall, under his heeps of straw footing, and he is allergic to it, so his legs swelled up. horseland is being fuckin stupid, making the most fucked up new training crap. and then i am in NO mood for training the horses at the moment... but i suppose i shall have to. then, i am supposed to return to all of these rpgs today or tommorow, but right now, i friggin dont want to. when i was at the show, i got a reality check, i actually got to see what it was like to hang out with friends, to do the thing i love - be around horses, and to actually have a awsome time - without the computer. so i think i am gonna stop playing abunch of rpgs, so i can get my life back to how it once was. because of cancer, i have just retreated into my room, onto my computer. i have lost so many friends from this, and i want to get my life back in order! i mean, for pete sakes! i have a pony at the stables probably wondering where the fuck i am, and when i am there, he fuckin ignores me! i want him to actually like me again, not all the little bratty rich kids who ride him in walk trot lessons that he adores because they give him way to many treats, and now because of that he is so out of shape and chubby. then a girl i once knew when i was in the 1st-4th grade just changed barns, to ours, and we have become friends, and you know what, i actually have a chance to not fuck this friendship up! so i think i am going to limit the time i am on the computer. just during the night times, and to get to bed early enough that i will be able to go to school. soo, that means, i get up, go to school, go to the barn to whoop my pony's ass back into shape, aswell as get my legs back into shape for riding, then maybe hang out with my friends and do homework, then from like 7 or 8 to 10 or 10:30 be on the computer. so basically what i am saying is, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!

fun test [I] [11 Jan 2004|2:00pm] [ mood | i dunno.. ] [ music | hold on - good charlotte ] eerm.... interesting O.o Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

Come On Tommorow [07 Jan 2004|11:26pm] [ mood | excited/anxious/hellabored ] [ music | mobscene - marilyn manson ] Ok, ok, ok, v3.0... it's working... yes... three songs down.... how many thousands to go? [sniggers] anways, what the fuck is my GI doctor getting his head into? fuck him.... wanting to put me on merilax... within i have to put into a drink and chug... two times a day instead of pills to help me! fuck him! then... he is keeping me on my ulcer medicine, within i am fine with that... cant have a stomach ulcer commin back, eh? well anyways, i go to st. louis tommorow, so that'll be fun... i am there untill sunday, gonna see simsalabim van berkenbroeck, a stallion that i absoloutly love and know in real life... i'll post a picture of him and me in the above area and a picture of me and a foal of his i am hopefully getting so you all can see. it'll be a lil picture gallery. i will try to make an update while i am there... but me and mother will be in the same room so if she saw how her little girl was talking, damn she would be pissed off. tuesday is another exciting day, as the make-a-wish foundation volounteers come to see my wish and to hopefully make dante b... one of the horses i will put in the picture gallery, thats what i am asking for, to become the owner of dante b. hrmm... sorry folks... not the most interseting reading for today, sorry....

eer [05 Jan 2004|4:47 pm] [ mood | bleh ] [ music | sweet dreams - marilyn manson ] Thanks sooo much v3.0 and akatchi... lovely... i think you guys 'expanding my horizons in music' might work... bleh... i dont want it to.... but at this fucked up stage in my life.. the music surely is... eer... intersting, and not nearly as bad as i would have called it a year ago when i was listening to only hard core rap. but anyways, i continue to listen to manson's songs tainted love and sweet dreams.. intersting? maybe... plastic pink skirt interesting? ::cough::v3.0.. you should know what i mean::cough:: not that you wear that.. no you with your green hair, nope, that other person though O.o yea, it was fucked up shitz. yea, so i was listening to my music.. sweet dreams to be exact, and my mom gave me the strangest look, it was PRICELESS! cant wait till dad gets home, he listens to these songs. oh SHIT! i totally fucking forgot, when dad gets home i get a fucking shot... the serem its thick so it hurts ALOT more than your regular ol' flu shot within has saline in it making it thinner. fuck cancer, atleast after this shot i only get two more, wh00t! but then, i have to wait two weeks, get my central line takin' out, and then have some surgery on my pelvic area to get rid of some small tissue area, as they arn't sure if its cancer there, or scar tissue, but they aint takin the risk. i am wondering if it goes away at my last scan... and it is gone, if they wont do that surgery, then everything would be alright and un-painful. because they would have to give me painkillers.. and that would be fentynal, and well.. as some of you might know i got addicted to that, and still crave it sometimes, and so that wouldnt be good.

fights [04 Jan 2004|9:09 pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | headstrong - trapt ] Hmmm, interesting how it is when you get pissed off eh? A whirl of emotions, its so lovely - not. That bastard John, so he goes out with me, then with my best friend, then eer... me again, then dumps me for a girl named sarah b, then dumps her to as me out again i say no, so he goes out with my so called other 'best friend' bridgit. lovely how all this turns into a raging fight that makes me and him hate each other with a passion, eh? i think he needs to learn how immature he is, he goes and tells me all this shit about what he has done with girls - within was a fucking lie. then he acts like he wants to get into girls pants, and everyone in the whole damned school knows it, and denies it continuously. i shouldnt have to be going through all this shit at the age of 12, dont you agree? ok, enough about that, but let me tell you what put the cherry on top. my best friend who is a guy aims me all pissed off because his mom put a limit on how long he can be on aim, and all of his friends are turning against him, except me, but he doesnt realize that. so now he wants to die, i kinda feel like its my fault that he is now suicidal, he had an awsome life, and now it is ruined, and so then, we got in a fight about all this shit. and oh, all of this happened in what, maybe 15, 20, maybe even 30 minutes? Let me just shut my trap here, eh?

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