I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is..
When you are down and out something always turns up—and it is usually the noses of your friends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Conserve energy... fart in a jar
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.
Smile, everyone loves a moron.
My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!.
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Drunk!...naught me - I'm Serfectly Pober Occifer!
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!
Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!
Not all men are fools...some are bachelors!
Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law. OUCH!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work!
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat."
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.".
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.".
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.".
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.".
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely..
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program..
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct the dumbest people on earth ??
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening..
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
If you're rich, I’m single!
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed
Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference