Lyric Wheel: Home Again
by nona

All he could think of was how cold it was. Snow was everywhere and there didn't seem to be any relief from the wintry weather in sight.

Ray Vecchio tramped out of the nighttime woods with an armload of hastily chopped wood and he was feeling cold. Even through the layers of clothing that encased his sweating body, he could feel the icy fingers of the wind as it sailed about him. He hadn't listened to his friend, the experienced woodsman, when he'd told him not to work up a sweat while gathering wood, that a wet body would only lose heat to the frigid elements. But Ray wanted to get the wood cut as quickly as possible and he didn't bother to stop when he'd gotten overheated. Ray dumped the kindling beside the small clearing he'd stamped out in the snow and set to outlining the circle with the irregularly shaped rocks he'd managed to find. Ray paused after a moment and clapped his hands together. Even beneath this thick woolen glove/mitten combination, his fingers failed to get warm. He pressed his hands together, palm to palm and put his lips against the tent of his fingertips and blew hot moist air onto them.

Ray couldn't resist the groan of pleasure that bit of warmth brought to his lips. He then immediately balled his fists, flexed his fingers and rubbed them vigorously together to get a spark going in his circulation, which had obviously slowed to an icy crawl. Heat leeched out from his slender hands as quickly as he had tried to instill it and his fingers felt colder than they did when he started. Ray cursed softly and lifted his head to look towards the gleaming surface of the lake twenty meters away. He could barely make out the hunched figure that crouched at the water's edge.

What the hell is Fraser doing? He asked himself.

Ben Fraser had taken it upon himself to secure a decent hot meal for the two of them, and he'd gone fishing. The fishing part was easy. The lake was ripe with trout and grouper and Ben's fishing luck was strong. He'd been plucking them out of the lake like an aquatic pied piper. The problem was; wrestling a catch away from a hungry soulful eyed wolf that sat at his feet and whimpered piteously for a morsel of food.

"Diefenbaker," Fraser said sternly, warningly, as the wolf nosed about the tail of the fourth fish he'd landed.

Ben sliced open the belly of the fish and while he worked, he continued, "You've had enough. I've already given you the first three, you should be satisfied by now."

The wolf whimpered hopefully and seeing that the Mountie was not budging, he sat down and leaned heavily against Fraser's flank. Ben sighed softly and gave the wolf a playful nudge.

"Hopeless," he teased and went back to gutting the trout.

Ben lifted his gore slick wet hands and stared down at them. He was cold and his hands were even colder, but he was happier at that moment than he had been in the months before a fateful phone call he'd received in the middle of the night, changed his whole life.

Six months earlier, on an indefinitely long assignment in the frozen wasteland of northern Manitoba, Benton Fraser had once again been separated from what he'd come to know and love. His superior officer, Inspector Thatcher, had given him that open-ended assignment once she was fed up with seeing his face day in and day out. Fraser wasn't sure whether she'd done it out of spite, or whether she thought he was the best man for the job. But he hung his head and mutely accepted the position.

On long cold days, when the wind would not let up and he was feeling like he was made more of ice than he was of flesh, he began to guess it was the former reason. She was tired of him and his performance. But he hadn't complained. He took it like the Mountie that he was. As a solitary man by nature, he should have relished the isolation, the unending hours to himself in the out of the way post office with only a potbellied stove and a dozing wolf to keep him company. He should have, but… he didn't. He was lonely and for the first time in maybe a long time, he missed the noise of a family around him.

A month into his shift came the phone call.

As a part of his rations, he'd been given a cellular phone in case of emergencies, in case someone needed to reach him. And in the middle of a frozen November night, three a.m. Chicago time, that cellular phone rang. Fraser had fumbled for it and still blank with sleep, his mouth worked to say his name. On the other end was a heartbreakingly familiar voice and within weeks, Benton Fraser's request to transfer back to Chicago had been approved and he was on his way home.

Home.

A distinctive whine brought him back to the present and Dief shifted against his side again.

"All right," he said to the wolf. "I'm hurrying."

Ben caught and gutted five more trout and carried his bounty back to Ray who was just finishing setting up the fire. Ray looked up as he heard the crunching approach of Fraser's boots on the snow. He couldn't suppress the smile that crept across his lips at the sight of the fresh meat in Fraser's hands.

His voice was light when he asked,

"For as long as you took, I thought you'd have more than that."

Fraser looked down at him and then fell into a crouch beside the frying pan Ray had also set out.

"Well, Ray, they don't look like neat packets of fillets when they come out of the water, and I know how much you don't like to see what I do with them…" he shrugged and returned his smile.

Ray shivered a little at the idea of the gasping and flopping fish right before Fraser decapitated them and cut their guts out.

"Well…yea, thanks," Ray said, kindly.

Ray rummaged through his pack and brought of a square package covered in butcher's paper. He unwrapped it and pulled out the lump of lard. Carefully, Ben flicked out his clean knife, sliced off the top layer and dropped the white mass into the frying pan. Ray put back the lard and Ben lay the pan over the rocks that were roasting merrily in the fire.

"It's a good fire," he said to Ray, who then beamed to himself.

"Thanks."

They sat in silence, watching the white chunk of fat swirl around and around as it melted beneath the hot tongue of the fire. Ray stripped off his gloves and held his naked hands out towards the flames trying to rub the warmth back into his fingers. But he was still so very cold.

Ben the lay out the two halves of the meticulously cleaned fish onto the bottom of the oily skillet and both men sighed as they took in their first breath of pan-fried fish. Ray wriggled a bit to make himself more comfortable on the log and his heart leapt a bit when Ben came to sit next to him.

A familiar surge of anxiety washed over him. He'd been feeling rather… anxious when, a few weeks back and out of the blue, Ben suggested that they go camping. And leave it up to the Mountie to find the backwoods of Chicago to do it in. Ray didn't think that Chicago even had trees, outside of the scraggly potted ones that lined the streets. The first thought that came to mind was that Fraser wanted to get him alone to kill him, or something, and not that Fraser had been itching to get out into the elements and commune with nature.

Dief stretched his back a little, circled and then flopped himself down on the snow across the fire from the two men. Ben and Ray watched Dief and Ray asked after a moment,

"Why do dogs do that?"

"Do what, Ray?"

"Walk around in a circle before they lie down."

To his surprised Ben burst out laughing and Ray couldn't help joining him.

"Honestly, Ray," he said as his laugh dwindled to a chuckle. "I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

Ray rubbed his cold nose and reached down to poke at the sizzling meat.

"It smells good," he commented, absently, wanting to say more.

"Mmmhmm… it does."

They were silent again.

Ben looked at Ray out of the corners of his eyes. He wanted to talk to him about something that had been burning on his mind for a long time, but he couldn't seem to find the words. So, he kept quiet and cooked their dinner. They ate the tasty fish and shared the last of Ray's loaf of bread. Ben even cooked Diefenbaker another portion, which the wolf gladly consumed. After dinner they both stared at the fire while sipping nearly scalding hot coffee.

"I can't think of a better way to spend my time," Ray said suddenly, cradling the coffee mug in his hand. "It would be better if it wasn't so damn cold!"

Taken aback, Ben looked directly at Ray.

"Why, Ray. I'm glad you said that. I… well, frankly, I was a little worried that you weren't taking this whole… excursion well."

"Oh, I don't have a problem with being out here, Benny. Especially since I'm out here with you."

Ben froze and his breath rushed out of him. Had Ray just made the second move? It had, in fact been the slender handsome Chicago cop that had called him in the middle of the night all those months ago and professed his desire.

"Ray," Ben began tentatively, feeling his way blindly with his words. "That's something that I wanted to talk with you about."

Ray brought his knees together and nodded.

"Yea, I figured as much. I figured you didn't drag me out here for nothing."

"Ray… I didn't drag you anywhere… it's my recollection that you readily agree--"

Ray cut him off with a laugh.

"Sheesh, Benny… give it up. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Ben hung his head a bit and stared down at the flickering fire. He lifted his eyes slightly to find curious wolfish eyes pinned to him. He looked away and towards the glistening waters of the lake. If he listened passed the sound of the nightjars and the crickets, he could hear the soft sensual lapping of the water against the strip of sandy shore. Ben closed his eyes.

"That night… when you called me… when I was in Manitoba. I…" he paused and desperately groped for the right words. "I didn't quite…"

Ray's sigh silenced him like a slap to the face.

"I told you that I loved you, Benny. What's there to be confused about?"

Ben put the cup down into the tightly packed snow and spread his hands before him.

"That's just it, Ray. You phoned me in the middle of the night. I'd been gone almost a month on assignment and … and… you told me that you loved me."

Ben felt his lips moving, but heard nothing else come out of him. Just speaking those words aloud made his skin tingle. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant sensation, as it was an unfamiliar one. Ray Vecchio loved him. He let his mind toy with it, as he had for weeks upon end.

"But… why didn't you want to talk about it, when I returned from my post?"

Ray shrugged and sipped at the hot black liquid. He let it roll over his tongue for a long while, cooling in his mouth, before he swallowed it down.

"D-did you change your mind about me?" Ben asked a little meekly as if he hadn't wanted to hear Ray's answer.

"You took me all the way out here to ask me that?" Ray asked, his mellifluous voice quiet in the night air.

"Yes, Ray," he admitted. "Back in Chicago, you seemed so distracted and I… just didn't want to bother you with it."

Fraser took in a long cleansing breath.

"Out here I guess, I could have your undivided attention."

"You never answered me, Benny," Ray said suddenly.

"Excuse me?"

"When I called you and told you, you never answered me. I heard you say something about polenta, then you thanked me for calling and then you hung up."

Ben tried to remember his conversation with Ray that night, but couldn't. Then as the realization of what he'd done dawned on him, he felt ill.

"I hadn't realized, Ray!" he said vehemently. "You have to believe me… that I was… sound asleep, and when I finally came to myself, I was sitting upright in bed, with the phone pressed to my ear, but there was no one on the other end. I thought I'd been dreaming. But when I checked the number from which I'd received the call, I knew it was you, I'd remembered what you'd said to me. "

Ray drank more coffee.

"Ray, I'm sorry. Please, I… I'm sorry. I didn't have the nerve to call you back and…"

Ray finally turned towards the chagrined Mountie.

"I kinda figured as much, Benny," he said.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his generous mouth and he shook his head a little.

"But, I…"

"You were afraid that I'd rejected you?" Ben interrupted quickly.

Ray nodded feeling uncomfortably foolish at the revelation.

"I hadn't, Ray. You were all I thought about. You are all I think about. 'Crashing into love', I believe is what you told me."

Ben gave Ray a smile that lit his face all the way up to his eyes.

"Crashing into love, Ray," he repeated, letting his tongue play over the words. "I couldn't have put it better."

Ray's emerald eyes widened in the approaching darkness as he looked at the smiling Mountie.

"You mean…?"

Ben merely gazed at him and for a moment of wanton impulse, he leaned across that small space that separated them and very gently kissed Ray's lips.

"Yes, Ray," he whispered and sat back again.

Ray's grin split his face nearly in two and he picked up his coffee mug again. Rocking it back and forth between his hands he gleefully pondered the turn of events. Then to his surprise, he started to warm up considerably. It started first at his cold and frozen toes and spread like liquid fire up through his thighs, into his belly and chest and finally into his face. He reached up and pulled a bit at his collar to release some of that heat, but it was no use. He was overloaded.

"Good," he said finally. "Good. That's good. I'm glad, Benny."

The Mountie chuckled in the flickering darkness.

"As am I, Ray."

Across the fire from the two lovers, Dief put his head down on his paws and snorted. He was glad that they'd finally come to terms with their mutual desire, which was plainly evident to everyone else around them. They waste so much precious time, he thought and then warmed himself with the thought that they were now together. He was happy because wherever Ray was, there were doughnuts. Life couldn't be better.

--end.

"you sang to me"

i just wanted you to comfort me
when I called you late last night you see i was fallin' into love
oh yes, i was crashin' into love
oh of all the words you sang to me
about life, the truth and bein' free yea you sang to me, oh how you sang to me
girl i live off how you make me feel
so i question all this bein' real
cuz i'm not afraid to love
for the first time i'm not afraid of love oh, this day seems made for you and me
and you showed me what life needs to be yea you sang to me, oh you sang to me
all the while you were in front of me i never realized i jus' can't believe i didn't see it in your eyes i didn't see it, i can't believe it
oh but i feel it
when you sing to me
how i long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies
and i promise you this time i'll see it in your eyes i didn't see it, i can't believe it
oh but i feel it
when u sing to me
just to think you live inside of me
i had no idea how this could be
now i'm crazy for your love
can't believe i'm crazy for your love
the words you said you sang to me
and you showed me where i wanna be
yea you sang to me, oh you sang to me