notes/disclaimers
Ray woke up and looked at the clock in confusion. It
was only 3:15, what had woken him up? The wind that
had been howling earlier had died down, but he could
see the snow still falling outside the window.
Ray frowned as he sensed what must have awakened him.
He couldn’t feel Benny next to him in the bed. Ray
turned on the light and rolled over; and just as he
had thought, the spot next to him was empty.
He tossed the covers aside and got out of bed,
slipping into his bathrobe and wrapping it around
himself. He went into the bathroom, but Benny wasn’t
in there. His frown deepening, Ray walked into the
living room, and found Benny sitting in a chair by the
window, staring outside.
“Benny?” He asked quietly.
Ben looked up at him. “Ray, what are you doing up?”
“That’s what I was just about to ask you.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong?” Ray asked, concerned.
“Nothing much, Ray. I just had a bad dream.”
Ray sat down on the arm of the chair. “Why didn’t you
wake me up?”
Ben just shrugged.
“I could have made you feel better.”
“You did make me feel better,” Benny smiled at him.
“I watched you sleeping, and you looked so peaceful
and beautiful it made me feel better. It’s also why I
didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Yeah? So if watching me made you feel better, how
come you’re out here?”
“The snow makes me feel better, too,” Ben said,
looking back out the window with a small smile.
“Forget about the snow,” Ray said quietly. “Come back
to bed with me.”
He took Benny by the hand, and Ben willingly followed
him back to the bedroom, where the two men slipped
into bed next to each other. Ray reached out and
pulled Benny into his arms. “All right, Benny, now
tell me. What was the dream about?”
“It...” Ben sighed and shook his head. “In the
dream, I was a little boy again; probably 8 or 9 years
old. Dad was leaving to go on patrol, and I was
crying and begging him not to go.
“And that’s really odd, because I never cried when Dad
left. I always tried to be a little man, like I
thought he wanted me to be.”
Ray tightened an arm around Benny’s waist and began
gently rubbing his back.
“But in my dream, I was crying and crying, asking him
not to go. He told me he had to go, he was a Mountie
and that his job was to go and help other people.
“And then he told me ‘If you don’t stop crying and
carrying on like that, Ben, I won’t be coming back.’
And he left the cabin and closed the door behind him.”
“God,” Ray whispered.
“I know now that Dad would never have said that to me,
but for a long time, I thought that’s the way things
were.”
“You did? Really?”
Ben nodded against his shoulder. “Yes. I remember
when Mom was sick. I knew something was wrong, but I
didn’t know how bad it was. I kept hoping and praying
that Dad would come back. I knew that if he would
only come back, he would make everything better.
“And he did come home, and I was so happy and
relieved. But Mom didn’t get better, she just kept
getting worse and worse. And then I was sent away to
my grandparents. I was so upset and confused; I had
no idea what was going on, and no one would tell me.
“Then one day, Dad showed up at my grandparent’s
cabin, and he took me aside and told me that Mom had
died. And at first I didn’t even feel sad. I felt
angry. I felt very, very angry at Dad. He was
supposed to come back and make everything better- he
was supposed to make Mom better- and he didn’t.
“I was so angry with Dad, even in the midst of my
sadness. I thought that it was all his fault that Mom
had died and gone away, that he hadn’t done his job;
made her better like he was supposed to. Not that I
ever let Dad know I was angry with him. I never told
anyone.”
“I know you didn’t Benny,” Ray whispered.
“Just a couple weeks later, Dad left to go out on
patrol again. I was very surprised. I had thought
that after what happened, with Mom being gone, that he
would stay. Maybe we would have to move to a village,
or even a small city, but I thought Dad would be
staying with me.
“And when he left, I thought it was my fault. I
thought maybe he knew I had been so angry at him, or
maybe God knew, and he was punishing me by sending my
father away.
“After that, I always tried to be extra-good for my
grandparents. I tried to always do what they said,
and anticipate what they might want from me and do it
before they could ask.
“And if I was upset or angry or sad, I tried to never
let it show. I didn’t want my grandparents to be
taken away from me, too. I was so scared to be left
all alone; and I would have done anything to prevent
that from happening.”
Ray hugged Benny even tighter, feeling dangerously
close to tears. He knew that had been the start of a
life-long habit for Benny, one that he had yet to
break. Not only had Benny gotten very good at hiding
his emotions over the years, he had trained himself to
experience as little emotion as he could.
Ray had seen it happen many times. Some emotion or
other would rise to the surface, and Benny would
quickly and viciously clamp down on it, sending it
safely to whatever box he kept his feelings in; before
actually feeling something could get him into trouble.
And the really sad part was that Benny didn’t even
know he was doing it. After so many years of burying
his emotions, it had become second nature to Benny,
something he did without even thinking about it or
noticing it.
Ray was trying to get Benny to change in this area;
for both their sakes. It was incredibly hard for Ray
sometimes, dealing with a man who seemed to have such
perfect control over his emotions. For thing, it made
arguing no fun at all.
But mostly, he was worried about Benny. It couldn’t
be healthy for him to always keep his feelings locked
up inside- either emotionally or physically.
Choosing his words carefully, Ray took a deep breath
and started to speak. “You know Benny, emotions aren’t
bad, or something to be afraid of.”
“I know,” Ben answered quietly.
“Look at me,” Ray grinned, “I’m not afraid of my
emotions at all.”
“I know,” Benny said again. “In fact, that’s one of
the things that drew me to you.”
“Really?”
Ben sat up and leaned back against the headboard,
looking down at Ray. “Yes. You are very healthy that
way, Ray. When you have an emotion, you just have
it. You don’t stop to analyze it, or look at it from
ten different angles, you just feel it, without
hesitation or fear. I envy that.”
“Oh, Benny,” Ray said. “You don’t have to be afraid
of your emotions. Not with me.”
Ben wouldn’t meet his eye, so Ray turned Benny’s face
to his and waited until Benny looked at him. “You’re
already good with the positive emotions- you tell me
you love me, you let me know when you’re happy- and
that’s great, Benny. But I want to know about
everything you’re feeling, not just the good stuff.”
Benny’s gaze faltered, then returned to Ray’s face.
“If you’re in a bad mood, or you’ve had a bad day at
work, or you’re just feeling down, tell me about it.
And if you’re angry with me, tell me that, too. Let
me have it. I know there are times I annoy the hell
out of you, Benny.”
“Ray...”
“No, Benny. You tell me. Don’t you know? There is
nothing you can say to me, no emotion you can express
to me, no matter how bad you might think it is, that
will make me go away. I’m not going to leave you.”
Benny’s gaze fell away from Ray’s again, and Ray felt
his heart sink. “You do know that, don’t you Benny?”
Ben forced himself to meet Ray’s eyes again, and his
expression was troubled as he struggled with what he
wanted to say. “I do know it, Ray. But believing it
and trusting in it are what I have a hard time with.”
“Oh, Benny,” Ray whispered.
“I’m sorry,” Benny said miserably.
“Don’t, Benny. Don’t. Don’t...” Ray pulled Ben into
his arms again and held him even more tightly than
before. “I didn’t mean to imply that I’m upset with
you, or that you’re doing anything wrong. You’re not,
Benny. You’re doing great. It’s just that I want you
to be happy. And I want you to feel safe with me.”
“I do, Ray. I feel completely safe with you.”
“You do? Really?”
“Yes.” Ben nodded, then shifted slightly so he could
look up into Ray’s face.
“I feel safer than I have since...” He paused for a
minute, thinking. “Since Mom.”
Ray closed his eyes and buried his face in Benny’s
hair. If this conversation didn’t end soon, he was
going to wind up bawling like a baby. Finally he
pulled away and smiled at Benny.
“Well that’s a damn good thing, Benny. Because it
just so happens that I am in love with you. With
you Benny. Not the picture-perfect, stoic Mountie
the rest of the world sees, but the man. Benton
Fraser. I love you; flaws, imperfections and all.”
As Ray watched, a slow, beautiful smile spread over
Benny’s face. “I know you want me to work on
expressing my darker emotions, Ray; and I promise I
will try very hard to do so.
“But I have to tell you that right now it feels like I
will never have another negative emotion in my life.”
THE END