notes/disclaimers
Ben looked around and smiled contentedly. He was in
the Vecchio living room, surrounded by Vecchios, his
stomach full of Rosa's delicious cooking. He felt
perfectly happy. He was in one of his favorite
places.In fact, the only place he would rather be was
lying warm and naked and drowsy in Ray's arms.
As his thoughts turned towards his lover, Ben frowned
slightly. Ray had left the room a few minutes ago. Ben
had assumed he was just going to the bathroom, but Ray
had been gone for longer than that should take.
Excusing himself to the rest of the family, Ben went
in search of Ray.
He went upstairs, but Ray was not in the bathroom or
his bedroom, nor did Ben find him in the kitchen. Ben
walked out into the backyard, and found Ray there,
sitting under one of the big shady maple trees, lost
in thought.
"Hello, Ray." Ben said, sitting down next to him.
"Hey, Benny."
"What are you doing out here?"
Ray shrugged. "That movie was stupid and boring, and I
just wanted to get a little fresh air."
Ben looked at his lover for a long minute. "Uh-huh.
Now why don't you tell me the real reason?"
Ray looked over at him. "Benny."
Ben just looked back at him patiently.
Ray sighed and shrugged. "I was just going a little
bit nuts, Benny, okay? I mean all those stupid
Father's Day commercials. 'Tell your Dad how much you
love him' 'Get a great gift for a great Dad'. You
know? What kind of store could I walk into to get a
gift that would be appropriate for Pop?
"I can see it now, me walking up the sales clerk
'Excuse me, but do you sell tickets to any rehab
centers here? No? Well how about books on how not to
treat your children?' That would be fantastic,
wouldn't it, Benny?"
Ben didn't answer, he just drew Ray into his arms and
held him tightly against his chest.
Ray sighed and shifted against Benny, laying his head
on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his
waist. "Oh, well. Pop's long dead, so it doesn't
matter anymore, right?"
"Of course it matters, Ray." Ben said quietly.
Ray shrugged again. "So I didn't have the best Pop in
the world. It could have been worse, you know?"
"Ray, don't." Ben said, his voice thick with emotion.
Every time he heard Ray defend his Father, heard Ray's
acceptance of the abuse he had suffered as a child,
his heart broke a little bit more.
"Look, Benny, of course I wish it could have been
different, but we don't always get what we want out of
life, you know?"
Ben was silent for a long time. "Do you know what I
wish, Ray?" He
asked finally.
"No, Benny. What?"
"Well, I wish two things actually. First and foremost,
I wish your Father was alive and here, so I could kick
the shit out of him."
Ray pulled away from Ben and stared at him in stunned
surprise. He very rarely heard Benny swear, and this
was probably the first time he had ever heard Ben
threaten anyone with physical violence. "Benny..."
"No, Ray! How dare he? How dare he do that to you, how
dare he treat you that way? How could any man abuse
his own child? When I think about what he did to you,
it makes me feel sick.
"The physical damage he did is bad enough, but the
emotional damage is even worse. He made you feel
worthless, like you're stupid and no good. You are
such a wonderful man, Ray, and to this day you can't
believe that. You doubt yourself and think you aren't
anything special. And you are Ray. You're the most
special person I have ever known."
"Benny, it's..."
"No, Ray!" Ben reached out and placed his fingers over
Ray's mouth, cutting off his sentence. "Don't say it's
okay. Don't you dare say that! Because it's not
okay. It's not."
Wordlessly, Ray pulled Benny into an embrace. Ray
could feel Ben shaking against him, and he leaned back
against the tree again, holding Ben until he had
calmed down.
The two men sat quietly for a long time, listening to
the soft breeze rustling the leaves on the trees and
the happy chirping of the birds.
"What else do you wish, Benny?" Ray asked finally.
"What?"
"You said you wished two things. What's the
second?"
Ben pulled away to look at Ray, and Ray noticed with
alarm that Ben's eyes had filled with tears.
"Oh, Ray. I wish that just once you could see yourself
the way that I see you."
"How do you see me, Benny?"
"I see you as you really are. I see a man who is smart
and caring and giving and loving, and very passionate
about the things he believes in. I see a man who would
do anything for the people he loves. I also see a man
who is very sexy, and is one hell of a lover."
Ray was smiling happily, and when he spoke, his voice
was full of wonder. "You really see all that in me,
Benny?"
"Of course I do, Ray. Because it's there. You are all
those things, and so much more."
Ray smiled at Ben again, then leaned forward and gave
him a kiss. "I
love you, Benny."
"I love you too, Ray."
The two men sat side by side, leaning back against the
tree and holding hands. Finally Ray broke the silence.
"You know what I wish, Benny?"
"What, love?"
"I wish I could just hate my Pop. Just hate him,
without all those other emotions being mixed up with
it. But I can't. I still love him, and I still wish he
could have been a good Father all the time.
He was sometimes, you know. He could be a great
Father, he'd have these moments where he'd show the
kind of Pop he could be. And that made it all that
much harder when he'd be... when he wasn't so great."
Ben's eyes were squeezed shut, and he was squeezing
Ray's hand. "I wish you didn't have to hate him at
all. I wish he could have been a good Father to you.
I'm glad you had whatever good moments you did have,
Ray."
"Yeah, me too, Benny." Ray gave the hand in his a
loving squeeze.
"I also wish you could have worked things out with
your Father before he died."
Ben's voice was full of sadness and longing, and Ray
looked at him carefully. "We're not just talking about
me anymore, are we Benny?"
Ben looked over at his lover.
"You had a lot of stuff you were never able to work
out with your Dad, either."
Ben shifted uncomfortably.
"He wasn't around for you that much, was he Benny?"
"Well, no, Ray. But he had to be away. It was part of
his assignments."
"Well you know, Benny, if he had really wanted to he
could have taken another assignment, been posted
somewhere he wouldn't have to be gone eight months of
every year. But that's not even what I was talking
about. Even when he was there, he wasn't really
there, was he?"
Ben just shrugged and looked down at his lap.
"Your Father never really understood you, did he
Benny? I think he just expected you to be some kind of
junior Mountie, and then forced you to fill that role.
You know I've read some of your Dad's journals, and
the way he talks about you makes me sad. I remember
that one entry when he was going away on assignment
and you were seven years old. He talks about how you
didn't cry or even seem upset. And he sounds so damn
proud and happy about that. He even says that you're a
man already.
But Benny, you were seven years old! You shouldn't
have had to be a man, you should have been allowed to
be a little boy."
Ben looked at him. "Things were different for me, Ray.
I was raised
differently."
"I'll say. Your Dad sure as hell had a different way
of teaching you to build a camp fire. Your old man
could really be a sick bastard, you know that, Benny?"
"Ray..."
"Really, Benny. I mean, even when Pop was at his worst
he probably never thought of abandoning me in the
woods."
"Ray, he didn't abandon me. He was trying to teach me
to be self-reliant. I'm sure he wasn't that far away,
hidden out of sight somewhere."
"I'm sure he was, Benny. But you didn't know that at
the time, did you?"
"No."
"No. And it didn't make you any less scared, did
it?"
"No."
"God!" Ray exclaimed, almost as angry as Ben had been
earlier, "What in the hell was he thinking?! Your Mom
had only been dead for what, three months at that
point? I'm sure what he did really helped you get over
your feelings of abandonment and insecurity."
The two men were silent again, Ray quietly fuming and
Ben deep in thought. After a minute or so, Ben spoke
again.
"Ray, remember how I told you that I had no memory of
the camp fire itself?"
Ray nodded.
"Well, that's not entirely true. I remember the fire,
but I don't remember any feeling of happiness or pride
or accomplishment. I just remember thinking that maybe
Dad would see the fire, and he would come back for
me."
Ray wasn't able to speak past the lump in his throat,
so he pulled Ben into his arms and held him against
his chest, burying his face against Benny's hair.
Ray started laughing suddenly, and Ben pulled away in
surprise. "What?"
Ray shook his head. "You know, it's probably a good
thing we can't have kids, Benny. We'd probably fall
into all the old traps and mess them up good."
"No you wouldn't, Ray."
Ray smiled at him. "Hell, you'd be a great Dad, Benny.
Maybe we both would. We'd learn from our Dads'
mistakes and not repeat them. Hell, just look at what
a great job we do with Dief."
Ben laughed. "Technically Ray, I think Dief is raising
us."
"Nah, we just let him think that."
"And I think my strictness is balanced rather nicely
by your indulgence, Ray."
"My indulgence? Well, Benny one of us was slipping
food to Dief under the dinner table today, and it sure
wasn't me."
Ben blushed. "Well, it's a special occasion, Ray."
Ray smiled sadly. "You don't have to make excuses for
spoiling someone once in a while, Benny. It's
perfectly okay. It's even healthy."
Ben gave him a mischievous grin. "That's why I spoil
you, Ray."
"And how do you spoil me?"
For an answer, Ben gave Ray a long kiss, running his
hand lightly up and down Ray's ribs.
Ray pulled away. "Oh, yeah. I like how you spoil me,
Benny."
Ben laughed, then turned serious. "You know, Ray. I
think both our Fathers were men trapped by their
circumstances, struggling to do the best they could.
I'm sure that they both wanted to be good Fathers, and
wanted us to grow up okay."
"Yeah." Ray nodded. "And we did grow up okay, Benny.
Both of us."
"You grew up more than okay, Ray."
"You're a hell of a lot better than okay yourself,
Benny."
Ben heard the tone of Ray's voice, and saw the glint
in his eye, and he grinned. "To what exactly are you
referring, Ray?"
"Why don't you let me take you home and I'll show
you?"
Ben laughed. "And what excuse will we give your
Mother?"
Ray's grin faded into a loving smile. "I'll just go
inside, thank her for a lovely dinner, and tell her
I'm going home to be with my family."
The two men rose to their feet and walked slowly into
the house.
THE END