MOUNT ARARAT HOSPITAL.

HERE, SERIOUSLY DISTURBED, FORMERLY CRIMINAL MINDS RECEIVE PERSONAL, INDIVIDUALIZED TREATMENT; INCLUDING PATIENT NUMBER 565113, KNOWN TO HIS CAREGIVERS AS EDDIE NIGMA...

Caregiver: “How do we feel today, Eddie?”

Eddie: “Oh, much better, doctor.”

Caregiver: “No more puzzles?”

Eddie: “Not at all! The world is one great big, open place to me now. My life has never been clearer, exposed to the light of day.”

Caregiver: “Sounds like you’ve learned something here, Eddie.”

Eddie responds sheepishly, as though prompted: “I--I’ve learned that… my obsession with riddles was due to a deep seated desire for self-deception . . . and that desire in turn comes from a… an over-inflated ego.” Eddie chuckles a bit.

Caregiver: “That’s very good, Eddie. It all seems so simple, now, doesn’t it?”

Eddie giggles. “Yes. It is simple. Silly, really. Moronic! Insanely simple!” The Doctor giggles along with him good-naturedly.

Unseen by the Doctor, the heavy steel door behind him slowly opens…

Eddie continues: “Tell me, Doc. In a nut house like this, how can you tell the patients from the caregivers?”

Caregiver: “Ha-ha! I don’t know. How?”

Suddenly, the short, lurex-clad Catwoman behind him clocks him over the head with a blackjack! Instantly the doctor slumps over, unconscious.

Catwoman: “The carrregivers are the ones with the keys.”

Eddie: “Welcome to my humble abode, Catwoman! Riddle me this--!”

Catwoman: “Save your riddles, Riddler! I think it’s time we found a new home for you . . . but we mustn't tarry; my new catalepsy drug will only keep the guards rigid for a few minutes. I’m breaking you out of here!”

Eddie/Riddler: “Excellent. I haven’t seen the light of day since… since… Actually, I don’t even know what season it is.”

Catwoman: “Why, my dear Riddler . . . it’s bikini season!”

SOME TIME LATER, IN THE STUDIO OF FAMED SWIMSUIT DESIGNER VERA DANG…

Vera is making adjustments to a diamond-studded bikini on a tall, lithe swimsuit model.

Vera: “Hold still.”

Model: “I’m sorry, Miss Dang.”

Vera: “There are over four hundred carats on your behind. Would you kindly hold still so I can keep them from riding up?”

Model: “I’m sorry, Miss Dang.”

Catwoman, the Riddler and a henchman emerge from behind a dressing barrier.

Catwoman: “Ah, my brilliant quarry. Riddler, bring the sack.”

Vera: “Who are you?”

Riddler: “Consider us your biggest fans, Ms. Vera Dang! We’re here for a pickup!”

Vera: “I’m sorry, the prototype of 'Bedazzled,' my latest diamond-bejeweled creation, is not yet available for purchase.”

Catwoman: “Catwoman does not purr-chase anything! but this glittering garrrment is not my vaunted prize.”

Vera: “Then..?”

The Riddler’s new henchman grabs a convenient leather bikini top from a nearby shelf and ties Vera Dang’s hands.

Riddler: “You are, my dear!”

The model, looking on, declares: “Oh, my.”

Vera: “Stop! Stop! You’re crushing the organza!”

The henchman ties Vera’s feet with matching bikini bottoms.

Model: “Please let her go! I’ll hand over this diamond-studded bikini; it’s worth tens of thousands!”

Catwoman looks the woman over appreciatively: “Chump change, slim. Sell it and buy yourself some rrreal fur.”

The Riddler sidles up to the model and whispers in her ear: “Remember, you’ll discover our hidden agenda by unveiling the queen’s.”

The Riddler’s henchmen put the bound designer in a large sack as Catwoman and the Riddler enjoy a laugh together.

Vera: “Oh, no! Not… not.. burlap!!”

Chief O’Hara leans in to try to hear part of Commissioner Gordon’s phone conversation.

Commissioner Gordon: “. . . and you say they didn’t take the diamond-studded Vera Dang original? Sergeant, we are talking about the same Riddler and Catwoman, are we not?”

After hanging up, Commissioner Gordon looks knowingly to Chief O’Hara. “That pugnacious puzzler has escaped Mount Ararat Hospital with the help of the purring Princess of Plunder. Now, one of Gotham City’s most prolific and gifted swimwear designer has been kidnapped! There’s only ONE mind who can figure out this crime-wave.”

Chief O’Hara: “Sure’n ye be referring to the Caped Crusaders, Batman and Robin . . . and Batgirl et cetera.”

Commissioner Gordon: “Right you are, Chief O’Hara. They are precisely the one to whom I refer.”

**************

In no time, the Terrific Trio has arrived at the Commissioner’s office.

Batman: “Batgirl, I don’t mean to insult you by saying that we prefer to fight crime alone--”

Batgirl: “Then please don’t. Any clues?”

Robin: “Just something the Riddler said to a model at the scene of the crime: ‘You’ll discover our hidden agenda by unveiling the queen’s.’”

Batgirl: “Concise, if not very poetic. I have an idea where we’ll discover what’s next on Catwoman’s agenda. Remember, I’ve been involved before in one of her fashion-related schemes. Today’s the annual Eenie-Meenie Micro-Bikini contest at Gotham State Beach, and the contestants will be wearing acres of Vera Dang originals. Well, square inches, anyway.”

Batman: “That’s a very well-founded theory, Batgirl.”

Batgirl: “Thank you.”

Batman: “Since you thought of it, we’ll leave it to you to investigate. Robin and I are still developing our own theories.”

Batgirl: “Well, goodbye for now, then.”

Batgirl exits.

Commissioner Gordon: “There goes a fine young woman.”

Batman: “ . . . and a redoubtable crime-fighteress. Robin, that riddle; How’s your English history? ‘The queen’s hidden agenda’..?”

Robin: “Well, there was Victoria; Mary, Queen of Scots; all six wives of Henry VIII…”

Suddenly the answer dawns on Robin: “Got it! Elizabeth! Elizabeth’s Enigma!!”

Batman: “’Unveiling a hidden agenda…’ The Riddler never ceases his wicked wordplay.”

Commissioner Gordon: “I don’t follow.”

Robin: “There’s a big lingerie show at the international headquarters of Elizabeth’s Enigma! It’s going to be broadcast all over the internet tonight!”

Commissioner Gordon: “Of course. Swimwear, lingerie… How is it that we didn’t think of that, O’Hara?”

Chief O’Hara: “Search me, Commissioner. It’s me wife’s subscription. I only flip through the catalog lookin’ fer bargains.”

Batman: “Until we meet again, gentlemen. Let’s go, Robin.”

After Batman and Robin have left, O’Hara confides with the Commissioner: “Sure’n it’ll be a dark day in these boroughs, should that man ever choose to retire.”

Commissioner Gordon: “Don’t even speak of such a thing, Chief! I get a cold chill down my spine.”

AND, AT THE ANNUAL EENIE-MEENIE MICRO-BIKINI CONTEST AT PICTURESQUE GOTHAM STATE BEACH…

Batgirl is watching the final round of competition. Contestants in various styles of bikinis strut from one side of the stage to the other, turn, and walk back. Nothing appears to be out of place, but for the winning contestant, in a fur bikini with cat’s ears adorning her poofy hair. As the newly crowned Miss Eenie-Meenie begins her acceptance speech, Batgirl appears to recognize the vixen.

Miss Eenie-Meenie: “I want to thank everyone who helped me along the way. I’d like to thank my surgeon, and the guys in the tanning salon, my dentist, and most of all, someone who has inspired me for years…”

She continues: “She’s a real hero, and someone we should all look up to, and someone who’s in really great shape, too. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Gotham City’s own Batgirl . . . and she’s right here today, in the audience!”

The audience spots the embarrassed Batgirl, and begins applauding.

Miss Eenie-Meenie: “Come on up here! Come on!”

Batgirl begrudgingly mounts the stage, and approaches the microphone amidst shouts of “Speech! Speech!”

Batgirl: “Thank you. Since I don't have any prepared remarks…”

Suddenly Miss Eenie-Meenie grabs Batgirl from behind, and forces a cloth soaked in chloroform over her nose and mouth. A few seconds of struggle, and it’s all over. There are screams from the audience as Batgirl is dragged backstage.

A few burly male audience members try to follow, but the other scantily-clad contestants close ranks, preventing them from doing so.

******************

WHILE, ACROSS TOWN AT THE SEXY ‘ELIZABETH’S ENIGMA’ LINGERIE SHOW, BATMAN AND ROBIN HAVE JUST BEGUN THEIR INVESTIGATION…

Robin: “Uhh, Batman, watching these models parading around in their underwear, I’m getting these strange feelings…”

Batman: “Only natural, Robin. The best of us have experienced some stirrings in our utility belts. Remember, fortune favors the pure of heart. I stave off the effects by reciting logarithmic tables to myself in Swahili.”

Robin: “Check.”

Batman: “Robin, do you see the model in the green spandex teddy?”

Robin swallows hard. “Yeah. She’s got great logarithms.”

Batman: “I mean, do all those question marks emblazoning her outfit remind you of anyone?”

Robin: “Holy Eats, Shoots & Leaves! The Riddler!!”

Batman: "Exactly Robin! And... eats . . . shoots and leaves?"

Robin: "You know, the British bestselling book on punctuation."

Batman: “Oh . . . Careful! I think she’s spotted us.”

The red-headed model gazes directly at the Dynamic Duo from the end of the runway, turns to walk back and, looking at them again over her shoulder, beckons them ’come hither’ with her finger before walking offstage.

Robin: “Did you see that? She wants us to follow her!”

Batman: “Don’t jump to conclusions, Robin. That may be part of her routine.”

Robin: “. . . but she looked straight at us!”

Batman: “You can’t judge the intentions of a woman so easily, Robin. You’ll learn that in a few years. Still, I think perhaps a visit backstage is called for in this case.”

Robin: “It’s gotta be a trap, Batman.”

Batman: “Sound thinking, Robin. We’ll be on our guard.”

Cautiously, the Darknight Detective and his youthful former ward creep into the backstage area, where world-class supermodels are donning suggestive civvies . . . but Batman and Robin find it hard to remain inconspicuous in a room full of half-naked women.

Model 1: “It’s Batman!”

Model 2: “. . . and Robin!”

Model 3: “Eeee! Let’s get their autographs!”

Batman and Robin are surrounded by giddy models, jumping and jiggling . . . but among the models, the question mark-covered model appears more sedate.

Batman: “Please, remain calm, citizens.”

Question mark-covered model: “Greetings, cowled crime-busters. I have a message from the Riddler!”

Batman: “You poor, deluded creature! What, another riddle?”

Riddler’s Mo[de]ll: “Nothing so ambiguous, Batman. Mister Riddler sends his regrets -- that he cannot be here for your ultimate, mind-killing obfuscation!”

Robin: “You’re in a lot of trouble, sister!”

In response, the young model reaches for a previously unseen cord extending from a trap-door in the ceiling and grabs hold tightly, to be lifted up through the portal, and spirited away from the Dynamic Duo.

Batman: “Quickly, Robin! Our Batarangs!”

It is, however, too late. From a large ventilation grating in the wall emerges a sinister-looking green gas.

Batman: “Great Scott! Some sort of… gas?”

Robin: “Batman! I--I-- I forgot what I was going to say!”

Batman: “Speak English, Robin. It will make our conversation more efficacious.”

Robin: “I am speaking English! I just… Why did you call me Rob-Hen?”

Batman: “Wait -- Do I know you?”

Suddenly, the exit doors close, and the backstage area is closed off. The models, too, are being effected by the Riddler’s evil green gas.

Model 1: “Why are we standing around here in our underwear?”

Model 2: “Hey, you’re wearing MY underwear!”

Model 1: “Am not!”

Model 2: “What?”

The voice of the Riddler’s Moll/Model echoes from an unseen loudspeaker, frightening the confused crimefighters. “The effects you’re feeling are courtesy of the Riddler’s patented riddle-N gas, a mind-mangling mixture guaranteed to keep you puzzling! Just a few more moments, Batman, and the process will become irreversible!!”

Batman: “Shmurgle?”

Wasting no time and wearing a Bat-Respirator, she swings down to the floor, brandishes the Bat-Pry bar from her Bat Kit, and wrenches the ventilation cover from the wall. Finding the source of the horrible gas behind it, Batwoman seals the metal tube with Bat-Putty.

She then pries opens the double doors, allowing the green gas to escape. In a few moments, the gas has all but dispersed, replaced by fresh air.

Batwoman: “It’s lucky I found you, Batman. Another minute, and the riddle-N gas would have claimed your mind forever!”

Batman: “Lamed urine mine for-ever?”

Batwoman: “Try to cough it out, Batman.” Batwoman slaps Batman and Robin forcefully on the back, encouraging them to expunge the gas from their lungs.

Robin: “Whoa! What a rush! My head be still swimming.”

Batman: “Yes, but I can feel the effects fading already. Thank you, young lady! You’ve certainly come to our rescue.”

Batwoman: “Glad to be of service. You do recognize me, don’t you, Batman?”

Batman: “Batman? Of course, you're Batman.”

Batwoman: “No, you’re Batman. I’m Batwoman, remember? Man, I really got here just in the nick of time.”

Batman: “Actually, we were never in any real jeopardy. Before you burst in, I was preparing to dispense my Bat-Toxic-Gas Neutralizing Powder from my utility belt…”

Robin: “Why are you wearing a yellow catsuit, lady?”

Batwoman: “You’ll be fine in a minute, Robin. Luckily I got a call from Kathy Kane that you two were mysteriously lured backstage. I’m afraid Flamebird won’t be joining us; she’s in upstate Gotham for the annual PVC and Latex Convention.”

Robin: “Holy Exotic Fabrics! The Riddler!”

Batman: “Yes, Robin. We can be sure that he’s used this opportunity to kidnap Elizabeth’s Enigma’s crack staff of lingerie designers.”

Batwoman: “The Riddler?”

Robin: “He’s escaped . . . and Catwoman is with him!”

Unfortunately, one of the models is still experiencing the residual effects of the riddle-N gas. Having removed her bra, she approaches the Dynamic Duo.

Model 3: “Excuse me, can you tell me what this is?”

Batman: “Quickly, Robin, avert your eyes!”

*************************

MEANWHILE, IN THEIR NEW-FOUND FASHIONABLE LAIR, THE RIDDLER AND CATWOMAN REGROUP TO DISCUSS NEW DEVELOPMENTS!

Riddler: “Without their swimsuit designers to design new swimsuits, Gotham City will suffer a paralyzing case of the drabs!! No swimsuit issue of Illustrated Sports, no late-night programming for Showbox!! The city will pay a queen’s ransom to get those designers back!”

Catwoman: “. . . but they won’t get them back! We keep the designerrrs, you and I . . . and with the help of Batman and Robin, force them to design devilishly skimpy Catwoman--”

Riddler: “…and Riddler!”

Catwoman: “--inspired designs.”

Riddler: “At inflated prices, of course. Oh, what a joy to gouge the citizenry! Especially while forcing them to wear Riddle-Me Panties!! Hee-hee! One thing bothers me though, Catwoman. Sure, we’ve captured Batgirl, but things have changed since the old days; now there’s a Batwoman, too. It’s like there’s a whole family of them!”

Catwoman: “I know that all too well, Riddler, but I have a suitably catty plan. Batgirl will be the bait to lure the others. Then, with them all together, we use their ever-present and undeniable goodness against them -- set up a lovely little ‘menage-a-CATtre’. Batgirl will do anything we say to prrrotect Batwoman. Batwoman will do anything we say to save Batman, and so on. Prrrrr?”

AT THE SAME TIME, DEEP BELOW WAYNE MANOR, BATMAN AND ROBIN HAVE FULLY RECOVERED FROM THE RIDDLER’S RIDDLE-N GAS!

Batman: “There’s no question they’ll try to use our ever-present and undeniable goodness against us. Now that they have Batgirl, it’s only a matter of time before she becomes a pawn in some diabolical and maniacal plot.”

Robin: “. . . and what about all those bikinis and lingerie?”

Batman: “What indeed, Robin? What indeed.”

Their musing is interrupted by the red Batphone. Commissioner Gordon explains: “Batman, we’ve been monitoring the Villainy Channel on cable just as you suggested . . . and we saw… We saw…”

Batman: “Yes, Commissioner?”

Commissioner Gordon: “Well, perhaps if you tuned in yourself. Words cannot describe.”

Batman engages the Universal Bat-Cable Receiver and Viewer, and turns on the Villainy Channel. On screen, a diabolical scene is revealed: The Riddler and Catwoman have immobilized Batgirl by binding her to a wall, and a giant metal tube seems to be leveled at her.

Riddler: “That’s right, Bat-brains! Our own Captive Crusader is about to be engulfed by the Super-Hardening Whipping Cream from this Giant Super-Hardening Whipping Cream Dispenser!”

Catwoman chimes in: “Yes, Batman. This cylinder functions as an orrrdinary, albeit enormous, whipped cream canister . . . but the cream [my own secret recipe] has a special, delicious hardening quality which, once Batgirrrl is completely coated, will suffocate her . . . and no doubt her final thoughts -- as she draws her last, dying breath -- will be of you, Batman!”

Robin: “Holy Deadly Dessert Toppings!”

Batgirl: “They’re trying to lure you into a trap, Batman! Don’t worry about me! You must stop their nefarious Spandex Scheme!!”

Catwoman throws the switch. The dispenser begins spurting the sticky cream on Batgirl’s feet. A pivot allows the devious machine to tilt up ever so slowly during the coating process. The Riddler and Catwoman cackle with delight at the televised scene.

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