“My officers are among the best in the world, but they’re no match for the likes of Egghead!” replied O’Hara. As they had so many times before, the pair made their way to the red Bat-phone, resting under a small glass dome.

Unfortunately, the mysterious voice with the English accent on the other end of the line informed them that both Batman and Robin were unavailable. What Alfred knew, but could not disclose, was that Bruce Wayne was busy with Wayne Industries business, while Dick Grayson was immersed in the final months of his undergraduate work.

Not that long ago, discovering that the Dynamic Duo was beyond reach would have sent Gotham City’s police commissioner and police chief into a dither. Now, however, they had a contingent of female bats upon whom they could rely. The Commissioner e-mailed Batgirl.

Barbara Gordon’s pager alerted her that Gotham City once again required the Purple Paragon. She closed the door to her office at the Central Branch of the Gotham City Library and activated the Bat-anti-eavesdropping device in her telephone before dialing her father’s direct line. “Batgirl here, Commissioner,” she said in her slightly disguised voice. “I believe you are trying to reach me?”

“It’s distressing news, I’m afraid, Batgirl. Batman and Robin are unavailable and Egghead has just stolen a miniature replica Faberge egg from the Gotham City Museum.”

“One miniature replica Faberge egg is not much of a prize for a criminal like Egghead. This is probably just the first step in some larger scheme,” mused Batgirl. “I’ll get right on it.”

Barbara Gordon’s nearly photographic memory enabled her to power through a week’s worth of work in a relatively short time. She was well ahead of schedule, but still felt guilty when her crimefighting interrupted her duties as Gotham City's leading librarian. She was sure, however, that protecting the public from criminals such as Egghead was more important.

There was more than the usual amount of enmity between Batgirl and Egghead. He seemed to take particular delight in subjecting her to the most outlandish tortures and deathtraps. On the other hand, Batgirl had interfered with the Bald Blackguard’s plans on several occasions.

Barbara informed Myrtle that she would be out on errands for the rest of the afternoon. She was just about to leave when a woman dressed in a skin-tight, shiny purple outfit with white go-go boots and a chain draped around her hip walked into the library. “Are you Ms. Gordon, the chief librarian?”

Barbara managed to hold her surprise in check. “Yes, I am. May I help you?”

“My name is Mary Paltry. I’m a niece of farmer Peter Paltry. We’ve just opened a shop, ‘EGGS R US,’ and will be selling delicious, free-range eggs to the public. The shop opens in two days time. There will be a variety of egg dishes available for the public to try, plus everything will be heavily discounted.”

Barbara immediately recognized the woman as Cornelia, the Joker’s former henchwoman, but didn’t want to say or do anything that might jeopardize her secret identity as Batgirl. “That’s nice, but why are you telling me?”

“Oh, we consider you to be one of the leading citizens of Gotham City. We wanted to be sure you knew about our grand opening.” Cornelia leaned over conspiratorially. “You know, our eggs are egg-squisite.” Cornelia giggled, sending a strand of blonde hair cascading into her eyes. Barbara smiled wanly.

“I’ll leave you a pamphlet,” Cornelia concluded. “Hope to see you again in a couple of days!” The blonde turned to leave, but stopped to admire herself in a mirror hanging near the library’s entrance. Finally, she tore herself away from her own image and went out the double doors.

’So,’ thought Barbra as she observed Cornelia get behind the wheel of a white van and drive off, ’it looks like Egghead has acquired a new assistant. Perhaps Batgirl should pay EGGS R US a visit.’

Farm Fresh Eggs

Within half an hour, Barbara had returned to her apartment; made her tantalizing transformation into Batgirl; and had arrived just outside EGGS R US, situated on Omelette drive. She observed Chickadee come out of EGGS R US and get into Cornelia’s van, which promptly drove off.

She followed the henchwomen at a discreet distance. After twenty minutes, the van pulled into Peter Paltry’s Poultry farm. Batgirl parked her Batgirlcycle behind some bushes out back and approached the main building. Her approach led her directly past a large storehouse which contained several bags of chemicals and a makeshift laboratory. Entering a large barn, she heard voices just ahead. Edging past several crates of chicken feed, she saw the three conniving criminals seated around a table.

“We’ve both finished handing out those flyers for the opening of EGGS R US, Eggy baby,” said Chickadee “Don’t you think it’s about time you told us what you’re planning?”

“Yes,” agreed Cornelia. “We haven’t stolen anything yet. If I wanted a nine- to-five job, I would never have become a criminal in the first place.”

“Patience, Cornelia, patience. My plan requires some preliminary preparations before we can proceed; and I do not want to unnecessarily alert the Terrific Trio or that Distaff Duo . . . but perhaps it is time I gave you an egg-splanation.

“In eggs-change for my help in her most recent escape from Gotham State Penitentiary, Catwoman provided to me the formula for Cataphrenic, a drug that causes a person’s natural tendency towards either good or evil to be reversed. My egg-stra large brain has allowed me to conceive of a way to induce hens to lay eggs containing an egg-stremely large dose of Cataphrenic.”

“Ohh,” Chickadee remarked in her nasally voice, “so that’s why we’re putting all those chemicals in the chicken feed.”

“Egg-sactly, my egg-squisite assistant,” said Egghead, causing Chickadee to blush. “Since most people tend more towards good than evil, once we start selling those eggs to the public, the criminal population will egg-splode, causing crime to grow egg-sponentially.”

“That’s brilliant!” shouted Cornelia. “Why, eventually Gotham City will become a city of criminals!”

“Not only that, but our Bat-adversaries will be over egg-serted and over egg-stended trying to contain the largest crime wave the world has ever seen,” Egghead exalted, “unless or until they consume any of the eggs! Of course, we’ll have to spread the word to our friends not to eat any of the effected eggs. Once the criminal element seizes power in Gotham, it will acknowledge me as their leader and proclaim me the new Mayor of Gotham City!”

Batgirl had heard enough. “You’re deluded, Egghead!” she said, stepping into view and placing her hands on her hips in her classic Batgirl pose. “I’m going to stop your plan from hatching.”

The three crooks jumped up from the table as one. “Batgirl!” gasped Egghead. “What are you doing here?”

"I'm protecting the good citizens of Gotham from your nefarious schemes! I am hereby placing you all under arrest, so you might as well come quietly."

“Never! You’ve interfered with my plans for the last time! Girls, egg-sterminate her!”

Chickadee and Cornelia began to circle Batgirl, moving in on her from different directions, hoping their tandem assault would expose a chink in Batgirl’s armor they could exploit. As Chickadee threw a punch at Batgirl’s head, Cornelia launched a kick at her stomach.

Batgirl, however, had already swivelled out of the way of both blows. In the same motion, she grabbed Chickadee’s wrist and pulled her forward, right into Cornelia’s kick!

Cornelia stepped forward to continue her assault and buy her partner some time to recover. She forced the Delectable Detective onto the defensive with a series of lightning quick kicks which revealed she had been honing her fighting skills. Perhaps becoming overconfident at being able to hold her own against Batgirl, she tried even harder and fired another kick with a fraction more force than she should have. Batgirl stepped back, leaving Cornelia momentarily off-balance.

Batgirl seized Cornelia’s ankle in both hands and swung her hard into one of the numerous crates in the barn. Stunned by the impact, two clubbing fists from Batgirl took her out of the fight.

A shadow on the wall in front of Batgirl revealed that Chickadee had recovered and was trying to sneak up and waylay her from behind with a sack of chickenfeed. The Caped Crimefightress waited until the last second before delivering a vicious elbow to Chickadee’s mid-section, causing the henchwoman to drop the sack. As Chickadee straightened, a chorus-line kick ended her involvement in the proceedings. Looking around, Batgirl noticed Egghead had fled.

After Bat-cuffing the deposed delinquents, Batgirl raced outside. The white van was gone. She ran to her Batgirlcycle and was about to call the police to tell them to pick up Egghead’s assistants, when a young woman dressed in a Little Bo-Peep outfit and carrying a pale blue shepherd’s crook approached her. “Help me, help me, Batgirl!” the woman cried. “A bald man in white driving a white van nearly ran me over!”

“Egghead!” exclaimed Batgirl. “He has no regard for pedestrian safety! Did you see which way he went?”

“No,” the woman said, shaking her head sadly. “It happened too fast. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. I think I know where he’s heading. After I call the police to come and pick up his two assistants, I’ll get on his trail.”

Batgirl hopped on her Batgirlcycle and pulled out her Bat-cell phone. The woman moved behind her.

“My! How clever you are!” the woman exclaimed as she pointed her shepherd’s crook at the unsuspecting heroine’s face and pushed a button. Greenish gas shot out of the end of her shepherd’s crook and enveloped the hapless Batgirl. Caught off-guard, Batgirl inhaled the gas, coughed twice and then collapsed on top of the Batgirlcycle.

As always happened when recovering from knockout gas, Batgirl’s head throbbed intensely. It took her a few moments to clear her mind before she began to survey her surroundings. She tried to move her head, but found she was unable to do so.

Batgirl was sitting cross-legged on the ground. Her ankles had been bound together with several strands of rope. She could feel a metal stake running parallel to her spine from the top of the back of her cowl to the ground. Leather straps had been attached to this stake and wrapped around her face, which kept Batgirl’s head completely immobilized. Her hands and arms were behind her back, parallel to the stake, and had been tied expertly with rope at the wrists and elbows.

She couldn’t feel the familiar presence of her utility belt. This was becoming standard practice for the Shapely Sentinel. In addition, however, the rope was rubbing against her skin, which indicated that her gloves and boots had been removed.

'Does Egghead know I keep backups in there?' Batgirl wondered. The answer was moot. Whether by accident or design, Egghead had also deprived her of her hidden knives, lock picks and files.

Although Batgirl's equipment had saved her numerous times in the past, she took comfort in the belief that her most valuable tool was something they could not take away: her mind.

Or so she thought.

Further examination of her surroundings was interrupted by the return of Egghead, accompanied by Chickadee, Cornelia and the girl responsible for her capture.

“She’s awake, boss” said Cornelia.

“You’re not so tough now,” taunted Chickadee.

“Normally, you are someone I would rather not see, Batgirl, however, it’s always egg-squisite to see you like this,” said Egghead.

“You may have the upper hand now, but I will be victorious in the end!” declared Batgirl.

“Not this time you won’t,” Egghead said smugly. “Shortly I will egg-splain your fate, but first, allow me to introduce you to the newest member of my gang. This is Pauline,” he said, gesturing to the girl dressed like Little Bo Peep. She curtsied and flashed a smile at Batgirl, clearly enjoying seeing the heroine in peril.

“Pauline is one of Riddler’s former molls, but that was before you burst onto the scene in Gotham City, so I knew you wouldn’t recognize her,” Egghead continued. “Naturally, it took a criminal of my egg-streme intelligence to discover that fact and egg-sploit your willingness to help the innocent.”

Egghead assumed the tone of a close friend. “You know, Batgirl, you really are far too trusting. Now you are the one who is about to end up with egg on her face,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. His three assistants giggled knowingly at his last remark.

“What do you mean by that, Egghead?”

“You always were egg-stremely perceptive, Batgirl. Pauline, fetch the mirror.”

Pauline smiled as she retrieved a small mirror from the wall. Her return was interrupted by Cornelia. “Just a second,” Cornelia said as she primped in the mirror.

When Cornelia had finished, Pauline exaggeratedly sighed, then walked over and held the mirror up to Batgirl’s face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Batgirl,” she mocked.

This was Egghead’s moment of triumph. “If you’d be so good as to look into the mirror Pauline is holding, you will see that you have been positioned directly under an egg collecting machine. The tube generates a vacuum which collects the hen’s eggs and deposits them, one at a time, into trays on a conveyor belt. I have removed the belt and modified the collecting device so that you can experience my version of the torture devised by Hippolytus de Marsiliis in the sixteenth century. In place of water, I’ll be using . . . eggs.”

Batgirl gasped, which seem to please Egghead and his assistants enormously. She had nearly lost her mind to the similar Theban pebble torture at the hands of Chris Thomson, King Tut’s Chief Torturer.

Egghead smiled evilly. “I see you have some understand of what lies in store for you . . . but wait! There’s more, much more. I have recently acquired a collection of exotic eggs, specifically for this purpose. One egg will drop the five feet and impact upon the top of your head every five seconds. There are twelve dozen eggs per batch.”

“Ewww, gross!” said Chickadee with an impish grin.

Egghead glared at his Bronx-born henchwoman.

“Sorry, boss,” Chickadee said sheepishly.

It was Egghead’s turn to let out an exasperated sigh. “As I was saying, when a batch is finished, you will have a fifteen second respite while the next type of eggs are loaded.”

Batgirl’s eyes widened in horror. Egghead leaned into his victim’s face as he delivered the coup de grace. “This process will be repeated, with each successive batch of eggs increasing in size!"

Batgirl struggled frantically, but was unable to do more than move her body slightly. Her head remained absolutely motionless.

Egghead continued. “Your first . . . course . . . will be tiny quail’s eggs. That will be followed by chicken, duck, goose, pelican, swan, emu and finally . . . making a grand total of 1,152 eggs . . . ostrich!” Batgirl involuntarily shuddered upon hearing the word 'ostrich.'

The white-clad villain moved to the right side of Batgirl, as if to whisper into her ear. “Oh, and I know all about the various methods to resist this type of torture. That's why the eggs get progressively larger. Even the tiny quail's eggs are far larger than drops of water or pebbles, which is why I don't need nearly as many. The repetitive impacts will do their job on you, no matter how many multiplication tables you recite!”

Egghead returned to stand among his beautiful minions. “By the time the last ostrich egg has landed on your skull, your brains will be well and truly scrambled.” With that, Egghead and his associates all laughed. “Your crimefighting career will be over, my dear, but I guess you can take some small solace in the knowledge that at least you’ll still be alive.” He paused. “Or not. Perhaps your fate will be worse than death. You won’t remember that you were ever a crimefighter or that I was the one to end your career . . . or anything else, for that matter. I suppose your ignorance of my achievement is an egg-ceptable price to pay for egg-stinguishing your ability to cause me . . . or anyone else . . . any more trouble.

“Farewell, Batgirl!” Egghead concluded as he hit the “on” button. His three assistants smiled and simultaneously blew kisses at the Dominoed Daredoll before they followed their boss out the storehouse door.

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