Put In Their Places

Batgirl could hear the soft sounds of her companions struggling against their bonds in the darkness as each waited for his or her body to be torn apart by flying, hot lead. She felt ropes drawn more tightly against her as she twisted again, doing her best to examine her surroundings in the dark. She could not know how successful her companions’ efforts to escape might be proceeding. So far, none of the straining against her bonds had seemed effective. Batgirl decided she had all night to struggle and decided to relax, conserving her strength.

Each of the heroines had heard how Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara fired loaded umbrella guns into Batman and Robin’s bulletproof boot soles when Penguin had placed them in a similar situation at the Gotham City Amusement Pier. Batgirl had also managed to hold herself above a fusillade of hot lead delivered by a Gatling gun Calamity Jan and Okie Annie had set up after they had ambushed her for Shame, their lover. Unfortunately, neither of those approaches would be possible with their bound ankles secured to the pedestals beneath them.

Drama Queen’s deadly arrangements were well thought out and Batgirl could tell by the regular breathing around her the others had also elected to rest. She wished they could speak to encourage one another, but the trap would have failed had they been able to cry out and alert the police cadets to their presence.

Yet, the darkness and the silence were not the worst psychological dimensions to the sinister situation. Before leaving them, Drama Queen had revealed her plan to commit one more robbery in the guise of her captives, so that their damaged reputations would be further assailed before they perished. Batgirl silently cursed her helplessness to stop that crime.

Meanwhile, Dawn Robbins had no idea she would have uninvited guests as she played hostess to a party in the penthouse of the Pelican Arms. The blonde starlet was dressed from head to toe in gold. Her short-sleeved top left her shoulders bare and her figure-hugging slacks showcased her lower body magnificently. The glittering jewelry on her wrists and fingers gave her every appearance of sophistication.

“Thank you for coming,” she said to her former employer, Ward Eagle, the film producer. She spread her arms and embraced him warmly.

“I wouldn’t have missed your party for the world, Dawn darling. It gives me a chance to beg you to come out of retirement. Funboy Magazine readers miss you and I’m casting another picture.”

“Oh,” the mogul’s hostess said, releasing him. “I really don’t miss the humdrum life of a rich movie star. The only exciting thing that ever happened to me was being kidnapped by the Penguin and rescued by Batman and Robin. Come to think of it, I haven’t been back to Gotham City since.”

“Well, Dawn darling, I know all of Gotham City is glad you’re back.”

“Thank you, Mr. Eagle.”

“Please, Dawn darling, call me Ward.”

“Certainly, Ward,” she smoothly said. “Have you met General MacGruder?”

The retired head of the Hexagon shook hands with the producer. “It’s a pleasure, Mr. Eagle. You know, I once had a producer suggest I could act.”

“Really?” Mr. Eagle asked. “Who might that have been?”

“The head of Penguin Productions himself,” the military man replied. “He offered me a five, and later, a ten-year contract. He said all generals act, but that my chin was remarkable.”

“I’ve never heard of Penguin Productions. What finally happened?”

“I don’t know. I would imagine the company went belly up.”

“Well,” the producer sympathetically said, “that’s show biz.”

As the men talked, Dawn Robbins retreated to mingle with her other guests. She chanced to pass the terrace as five clinks sounded from outside. She instinctively grabbed a fireplace poker with her right hand before watching with transfixed fascination as five caped figures climbed over the terrace rail. Two wore dark cowls over their eyes, two wore black masks, and the other had a pair of yellow goggles over her eyes. “Hey!” she exclaimed, pointing with an involuntary shriek. “Three of those spacemen are women!” Then she recognized the Dynamic Duo and laughed. “Oh, I am so silly sometimes. It’s Batman and Robin. The others must be Batgirl, Batwoman, and Flamebird. I wonder what they’re all doing here?”

Outside, as the newcomers traversed the terrace, they watched the occupants of the penthouse and quickly realized the party hostess was regarding them with wide eyes and a weapon in one hand as her face betrayed a wide array of mixed emotions.

“Well,” "Batman" began, “this must be the place.”

“Wow! It really is Dawn Robbins! Holy Sex Symbol! She’s gorgeous!”

“Shut up and hit them with the Bat-Gas,” "Batgirl" ordered.

The newcomers flung several exploding gas balls into the room when Dawn Robbins opened the door to the terrace. Gloved hands drew the surprised starlet outside, disarmed her, and held her while the gas did its work inside. Dawn Robbins watched, horrified, as her guests collapsed one by one and lay still, unconscious.

“What is the meaning of this?” Dawn Robbins demanded.

“We’ve never been properly compensated for protecting Gotham City,” "Batman" explained. “These jewels will do for a start.” Dawn Robbins felt the gold and precious stones removed from her wrists and fingers.

“Come on,” "Flamebird" said, opening the door. “There’s a lot more compensation in here.” "Batwoman," "Batgirl," and "Robin" followed her inside while "Batman" maintained his grip on the party hostess.

“I don’t understand,” the starlet said. “This isn’t like you at all. I’ve followed your careers since you saved me from that vile creature, the Penguin–”

“Batman” laughed. “Times change, babe.” His gloved hand slid down her side and stroked her hip lovingly.

“Why you!” his victim fumed. “You–! Don’t you dare touch me!”

“You’re so beautiful.”

“Leave me alone! You won’t get away with . . . whatever you’re trying to get away with . . . I’ll . . . I’ll report you to the police!”

“Go ahead,” “Batman” invited. “Even if my friend Commissioner Gordon believes you, we can handle the cops.” He laughed harshly and squeezed his captive’s hip, gripping the starlet more tightly with his other hand as she squirmed helplessly. “I can’t express how much I’m enjoying holding you.”

“Really!” Dawn Robbins fumed. “I never knew you were such a–”

The other costumed criminals’ return to the terrace interrupted the irate woman’s description. They all carried heavy loot bags. ”We’re done here,” “Robin” said. “Good night, Ms. Robbins. It’s been a pleasure.”

“You have no idea, chum,” “Batman” agreed, bending his mouth and pressing his lips hard against hers. Dawn Robbins squirmed in his grasp and spat in his face when he released her.

“How dare you?!” the starlet demanded. “Leave me alone!”

“You’re even more beautiful when you’re angry, Dawn. Good night.”

“Let me have a turn,” ‘Robin’ urged, exchanging his loot bag for the starlet ‘Batman’ held.

“Enjoy yourself, chum,” ‘Batman’ encouraged as his partner guided Dawn Robbins inside.

The starlet suddenly began to struggle in the young man’s grasp and felt herself swept literally off her feet. “Robin” lowered to the center of a circular rug and bent his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply. She moaned and glared angrily up at him as he released her. “You will all regret having robbed and assaulted me!” Dawn Robbins declared.

“I’m only sorry we couldn’t stay and get better acquainted,” ‘Robin’ replied. “It really is your loss.” Before his enraged victim could respond, a plume of colored gas rose from the closed, green fist he held near her face. The criminals’ victim slumped unconscious as the young man returned to his companions, laughing.

“Nicely done, my fellow fiends. I don’t think Ms. Robbins likes either of you any more.” “Batgirl” laughed and the other criminals joined in as she led the way across the terrace. “Soon the police cadets will do an invaluable service to Gotham City by blowing away the perpetrators of this horrible crime. Now,” she urged, “quickly, to the Bat-vehicles!”

Much later, the pale light of dawn began filtering into the Gotham City Police Department Gun Range as Robin turned his head and noted Batwoman was awake and struggling vainly against her bonds. The young Titan held her gaze for a moment before catching Batgirl’s eye.

The Curved Crusader acknowledged him and looked away so Robin realized Batman was also awake. The Dynamic Duo nodded to one another.

Robin felt another pair of eyes on him and turned to regard Flamebird. While both were helpless, the light glittering in her eyes behind her goggles cheered him enormously. Something must have shown, because Flamebird seemed to brighten the moment she realized he was aware of her. It was possible each of them felt their spirits buoyed by the knowledge the others were awake and aware, but for Robin and Flamebird, awareness of the other was a uniquely special comfort.

Batgirl followed Robin’s gaze to Batman and watched him intently. The Caped Crusader relaxed and sagged in his bonds. Slowly, Batman’s wrists began to slide down the poles to which he was bound. Batgirl seemed to brighten and relaxed, bending her legs to let her weight draw her body down toward her pedestal. ‘Will I be able to sink below the targets on the other side of the board behind me?’

Robin, Flamebird, and Batwoman watched and began to move their own bonds toward the floor. Batwoman soon discovered kneeling offered her an additional benefit. My Bat-Kit has moved much closer to my hand!’

The Dynamic Duo, Batgirl, and Flamebird all used utility belts to carry their crime fighting gear. The manner of their binding kept the astounding arrays of wonders the same relative distance from their hands, whether the victim stood or knelt. Batwoman, however, carried much of her equipment in her Bat-Kit, which was fastened to her belt, hanging vertically over her right thigh. As Batwoman tried to keep her body below the targets behind which they had been arranged, her fingers stretched for her Bat Kit, as it rested on a shelf formed by her thigh. ‘If I can open it and get my knife . . . !’

Just as Batwoman’s fingers reached the clasp of her Bat-Kit, the captives all blinked as the lights blazed above them.

“Okay, boys and girls, take your weapons, unload them, clean them, reload them, and take your places!” the officer in charge of the range bellowed. “I want all of you on that line in five minutes! Let’s go!”

The Bat-Kit opened and Batwoman’s aching fingers stretched further, moving toward the hilt of her blade. ‘Will I be able to free myself before the bullets start flying?’

Batgirl was aware of her rapid heartbeat as she watched Batwoman begin to extract her blade from its sheath. She glanced at the other intended victims. Batman and Batwoman were taller than the other captives and might not be able to keep their heads out of the line of the police cadets’ fire. Robin and Flamebird might survive. She estimated her own chances at about fifty-fifty.

“Okay, people, you’re all looking good!” the exercise leader bellowed.

Batwoman had worked the hilt of the blade from its sheath and began to move her fingers along the blade, moving the knife further from its sheath. ‘If the blade cuts me, it’s all over!’

“Prepare to fire!” the exercise leader continued.

Batwoman turned her blade toward the ropes binding her hand.

“Okay, Cadets. I see some of you favor a two-handed shooting stance, while others handle your guns like cowboys! I want precision, people! Holster your weapons!”

Batwoman’s sharp blade was slicing through the ropes binding her hand.

“We’ll begin with a two-handed shooting stance!”

Rope fibers parted as the weight of the blade brought it deeper into Batwoman’s bindings. ‘Can I free myself in time?’

“Ready!”

Clicks echoed over the gun range as the police cadets prepared their weapons. Batwoman tore her hand away from its severed bindings!

“Aim!”

Batwoman tore the duct tape from her mouth. “Don’t shoot!” she shouted.

One of the cadets began, “What the–”

“Cadets, be silent and hold your fire!” The discipline of the Police Academy compelled the eager marksmen to put up their guns. “Who just shouted?” the master of the gun range bellowed.

Batwoman’s knife was slashing through her remaining bindings as she yelled. “Batwoman! Someone left my colleagues and me here behind the targets to be shot by your cadets!”

A murmur of excited conversation broke out among the cadets.

“Silence!” the master of the gun range ordered.

Severed ropes fell away from Batwoman’s body and she stepped from behind the target into view.

The cadets began to murmur again.

“Silence and holster your weapons!”

As Batwoman approached the line of cadets, the targets turned and revealed the remaining bound captives. Almost immediately, the targets moved toward the cadets and eager hands freed Batman, Robin, Batgirl, and Flamebird.

“That was close!” Batgirl said.

“Thank you all,” Batman said. “I’m confident each and every one of you will be a credit to the police force.”

“Gosh, yes!” Robin agreed.

“It’s time we went after Drama Queen,” Flamebird said. “She told us she planned to commit another robbery before we died. Unfortunately, we’re probably too late to stop her.”

“I’m afraid the Commissioner has questions for all of you about some bank robberies that took place yesterday morning,” the master of the gun range said. “We’d also like to determine exactly what happened here.”

“We’ll be happy to cooperate in any way we can,” Batwoman said.

Commissioner Gordon stared as he set down his phone. “Chief, get a forensics team over to the Police Academy Gun Range. Someone tried to kill Batman and his caped colleagues there.”

“All of them, sir?”

“Yes, Chief.”

O’Hara saluted and picked up the phone. “Sir,” he began hesitantly, as he dialed, “Batman and everyone are all okay . . . aren’t they?”

“Oh yes, Chief. I’m sorry not to have made that clear. The attempted quintuple murder was not success– ”

At that moment, Dawn Robbins burst through the Commissioner’s double doors. “No!” she shouted. “I don’t have an appointment, but I’m seeing the Commissioner now!”

“What’s going on here?!” the Commissioner demanded, standing.

The Commissioner’s secretary, Bonnie, stepped into the office. “I’m sorry, Commissioner. This is Dawn Robbins, the actress, She absolutely insists on seeing you. I think it’s something to do with Batman and . . . pressing charges. I’m not sure. Regardless, I’ve summoned a couple of officers–”

The Commissioner raised a hand. “It’s all right, Bonnie. I’d be happy to see Ms. Robbins.” He gestured toward a chair as he sat down and Bonnie withdrew. “Now, Ms. Robbins, you have my complete attention. How can I help you?”

“I want you to arrest Batman and his criminal gang! They robbed everyone at a party I threw last night and the Dynamic Duo both practically molested me!”

“With all due respect, Ms. Robbins, molesting citizens is not the sort of behavior one associates with the Dynamic Duo. Nevertheless, your charge is very serious and I have no intention of ignoring it. You’re certain it was Batman and Robin who attacked you?”

“I’m not stupid, Commissioner!” Dawn Robbins exclaimed, exasperated. “I’m going to say this again. The Dynamic Duo, the Distaff Duo, and that hussy Batgirl showed up at my party and robbed my guests . . . and me!"

Commissioner Gordon flinched at the description of his daughter in such terms. He knew exactly what had happened, but realized Dawn Robbins would be as skeptical as the bankers of his explanation.

The actress continued her tirade. “We want action and we will put your department under the most intensive media microscope you could possibly imagine, if we don’t get it!” Her eyes narrowed. “I hope you understand the seriousness of this incident.”

“Please don’t take my hesitancy the wrong way, but are you absolutely certain the people you accuse are really the guilty parties, Ms. Robbins? You must admit, your description of their actions sounds so unlike them.”

Dawn Robbins stood up and leaned over the Commissioner’s desk, supporting herself with her arms. “I would have thought so, too,” the beautiful blonde paused, just for a second, “but now, I just want all of them thrown in jail! Their costumes are hard to miss!”

“Now wait just a minute!” Commissioner Gordon said, standing. “I don’t like being threatened, Ms. Robbins — by anyone, and we don’t respond to unsubstantiated accusations by throwing the accused in prison without due process and other formalities, such as a fair trial!”

“Excuse me, Commissioner,” Chief O’Hara, who had been speaking unobtrusively on the phone during the exchange, dared to interrupt.

“What is it?!” both participants in the argument asked, turning toward him angrily.

Chief O’Hara inhaled. “Well,” he said, “the Batmobile and the Batgirlcycle have been found abandoned in Derwin’s Alley.”

“You’d better have them both towed here, Chief,” the Commissioner decided. “Both vehicles were reported stolen shortly after dawn yesterday.”

Dawn Robbins turned, pacing the office and paused to lean beside the Commissioner’s fireplace. “Who reported those vehicles stolen?” she demanded.

“Batman and Batgirl!” The Commissioner sank back into his chair, visibly controlling himself. “Ms. Robbins, I want you to understand I take what happened to you very seriously. I only want to get some of the questions I have answered before I start having people arrested.”

“I don’t care!” Dawn Robbins fumed. “I’m not interested in your questions, and I want justice done. If you are unwilling to do your job, I will do everything in my power to get someone who will into this office!” Dawn Robbins turned on her heels and stalked from the room. The silence, following her exit, was deafening.

“Chief O’Hara,” Commissioner Gordon softly said, “we face a crisis I never thought we’d ever come up against. Dawn Robbins has demanded I arrest Batman and his colleagues, and it pains me to admit, even though I know they’re innocent, I’m obliged to do it.”

“You were able to put off those bankers, sir.”

“Yes, Chief,” the Commissioner agreed. “I’ll never be able to reason with Ms. Robbins, though, in her current frame of mind. Batman and the others are to be brought to Police Headquarters from the gun range. I want you and Lieutenant Mooney to meet them and bring them to this office.”

“Er, Commissioner, won’t they all come here on their own, anyway?”

“Almost certainly, but it will be better for all concerned if they are seen to be escorted.”

“You aren’t going to arrest them, sir!” Chief O’Hara declared, aghast. “As you said, you know they didn’t do it!”

“I’m going to discuss this situation with them. I hope we can find a way out of this problem together. If not . . . . in any event, we’ll let them keep their masks and avoid being fingerprinted.”

“It’s turned into a dark day, Commissioner.”

“Indeed it has, Chief,” the Commissioner agreed glumly. “Indeed it has.”

Lieutenant Mooney was waiting when the Batcycle and the stand-in Batgirlcycle pulled to the curb in front of Police Headquarters. Chief O’Hara was on the roof when the Bat Gyros landed.

“Good morning, Lieutenant,” Batgirl called.

Lieutenant Mooney ignored her friend and turned her attention to the Dynamic Duo. “Batman and Robin,” she said, “I have to ask you to come with me to the Commissioner’s office. We have to talk about some bank robberies and your unscheduled appearance at Dawn Robbins’ party last night.”

“What are you talking about, Diana?” Batgirl asked.

“Crimes, Batgirl,” her friend said. “A great deal of evidence has been gathered. I don’t want to have to do this formally, so please come with me, Batman and Robin.”

“Are you arresting us?” Robin asked.

“I think you and I should do as the Lieutenant says, Robin,” Batman said. “We should have a word with the Commissioner.” He dismounted the Batcycle, mounted the steps, and began to climb. Robin followed a moment later. Lieutenant Mooney began to follow them, turning her back on Batgirl.

Batgirl’s mind raced. Most of her friend’s remarks had been directed at the Dynamic Duo, and Batman had deliberately excluded her from the meeting about crimes in which she and the others had been implicated. ‘Was the scene that just played out designed to leave me at liberty to investigate?’ she silently wondered. “Probably,” she muttered and drove away on her rented bike. Lieutenant Mooney and the others did not look back.

Walter Klondike’s face wore a grave expression later as he stared at the camera and began his newscast. “Batman, Robin, Batwoman, and Flamebird turned themselves in to police today after being accused of multiple robberies.”

“They’re alive,” Drama Queen said, sinking thoughtfully into a comfortable, director’s chair she pulled from beside a mannequin on the illuminated stage of the abandoned Majestic Bard Repertory Studio. “I wouldn’t have thought the police cadets would miss their marks so badly.”

“If you would have just let us attend to them ourselves,” Scarlet said, “they would have all perished according to plan.”

“Now, we’ll just have to deal with them some other way,” Tawney said.

“You may be right,” Drama Queen philosophically said, “but the crowning feature of their end would have been the irony. That exquisite touch would have been lost had we all just blazed away at them ourselves. It’s all worked out, though. We have the fruits of our last few crimes to enjoy, while Gotham City’s crime fighting duos are locked up.”

“That’s true,” Topaz said. “Batman and his friends can’t interfere with our crowning crime from their jail cells.”

“What about Batgirl?” Cocoa asked. “The newscast didn’t say a thing about her.”

“Perhaps the newspaper?” Cathey suggested.

“Here it is,” Tawney said. “Batgirl arrived with the others, but the police allegedly could not catch her when they took Batman and Robin into custody.”

“That’s a likely story!” Ashley exclaimed. “They let her go. What rotten luck!”

“Maybe not,” Scarlet disagreed. “Batgirl’s reputation should be nearly shot. If she were to be seen taking some sort of revenge, she might be finished in Gotham City, perhaps forever.”

“Is there anything about public reaction to Batgirl’s being at large?” Drama Queen asked.

“Well, a Mrs. Harriet Cooper of Gotham City’s Film Decency League has contributed a number of anecdotes about how helpful Batgirl has been in the past, but columnist Jack O’Shea has described Batgirl’s forays into crime when she worked for Joker and took over Catwoman’s gang briefly. I’d call public reaction . . . mixed,” Cathey concluded.

“Doesn’t O’Shea have a dubious reputation of his own?” Drama Queen asked.

“Yes, he does, but he claimed his criminal association with Catwoman was fabricated and many of his fans believe him,” Cocoa answered. “Besides, he quoted Dawn Robbins extensively.”

“Oh. I’m sure she is quite vocal,” Drama Queen said, laughing. “Now, despite Ms. Robbins enthusiastic support and the timeliness of Batgirl’s potential revenge, we have to get on with our existing plans. Besides, we already gave back her Batgirlcycle." The villainess pondered the fact the loss of her vehicle had not seemed to slow down Batgirl at all and shrugged mentally.

“What exactly are ‘our’ existing plans?” Cathey asked.

“I’m afraid you and Cocoa won’t be part of them. I’d love to have you, but you’d stick out like sore thumbs as my bridesmaids.”

“Bridesmaids?” the avaricious African-American repeated. “You’re getting married?!”

“To a genius, Professor Avery Evans Charm of the Gotham City Science Institute, a close associate of multi-billionaire Bruce Wayne, of the Wayne Foundation ” Drama Queen said. “Afterwards, I will be able to coax Professor Charm into helping us with our crimes. The Professor will, in turn, suck money out of Mr. Wayne like a vampire. My plans are delicious in so many ways.”

“I don’t know, boss,” Topaz objected. “Bruce Wayne was very generous to him after some dealings he had with the Riddler. I remember reading how dismayed he was to learn Riddler threatened to make Police Headquarters disappear unless all of Gotham City’s laws were rescinded. Batman kept Riddler from carrying out the threat and his arrangement with Professor Charm came to light. The Professor may not willingly return to a life of crime.”

“I happen to know he recently aided the Siren, although perhaps unwillingly. In any event, once I’ve obtained his unwitting help on the first job, I can bully him into doing anything I want. Besides, the ability to control a scientifically gifted ally isn’t even the best part.”

“Oh? So what is the best part?” Ashley asked.

“I’ll fill in for Miss Caroline Williams on the honeymoon and be taken somewhere far from Gotham City.”

“Where?” Tawney asked.

“Who cares?” Scarlet interrupted, grinning wolfishly. “It’s the perfect getaway and provides other benefits as well. You’re brilliant, boss.”

The Drama Queen dipped her head in appreciation. “Thanks. Now, before we concern ourselves with the required formal wear, it’s time to distribute to each of you your earnings from the excellent work we’ve all done to date, so to speak.” Drama Queen indicated the money still improbably stacked on the tables. “My money is on the right. You may divide what’s on the left equally. We need to hurry. The cops will find out about this place all too soon and I don’t want to be here when they arrive.” All of them laughed delightedly as they gathered their ill-gotten gains.

Later that day, a tall, distinguished lawyer with a dark mustache and graying black hair arrived at Police Headquarters. His designer glasses made him vaguely resemble Eggbert, the night shift guard at the Gotham City Water Works.

“Good afternoon,” he said to the desk sergeant. “I am here to see about getting Batman, Robin, Batwoman, and Flamebird released on their own recognizance.” Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler, was justifiably proud of the pseudo-American accent he affected for the role he was playing, which was almost as impressive as his disguise. “Have they been charged?”

“I don’t know, sir. Who are you, may I ask?”

“Of course, I should have introduced myself immediately,” he said, smiling. “My name is Farthingale Stillwell of Soames, Stillwell & Thistlewaite. My card. As you probably know, our firm specializes in felonies, misdemeanors, and overtime parking tickets. Where did you say my clients were?” Alfred handed the sergeant a business card.

“Let me find someone who can help you, sir,” the sergeant said.

Frustration bubbled beneath the façade Barbara Gordon had worn at work as she followed the news of the Dynamic and Distaff Duo’s voluntary incarceration and its conclusion. She knew she had remained free to thwart Drama Queen’s plans, and her mood grew worse as she exhausted her available leads. When she visited Drama Queen’s hideout the abandoned Majestic Bard Repertory Studio, the theater was deserted once again. She tried unsuccessfully to form a plan of action while Barbara Wilson returned her rented motorcycle.

Upon returning to her eighth floor, midtown apartment, she picked up her unread newspaper and flung it aside so she could plop down on the couch. “There has to be an answer, Charlie,” she remarked to her pet parrot. “Drama Queen cleared out of her hideout, leaving no clues to her plans and it isn’t like she’s going to publish them for me.” Barbara frowned as she regarded the mess her newspaper had become. Rising, she began to pick it up, but stopped when she encountered a headline on the society page. ”Or did she?”

Charlie the parrot offered no assistance as Barbara began to read:

Professor Avery Evans Charm proudly announced yesterday his plans to marry his newest and most trusted assistant, Miss Caroline Williams, on Saturday.
“I am immensely pleased to report we met in my office and our relationship grew deeper after she persuaded me to work out with her,” Professor Charm said . . . .

Barbara replayed the scene in her mind, listening carefully. ‘With all of you out of the way, I’ll have no trouble bringing about the storybook ending I’ve planned for this little crime wave,’ the villainess had said. Then, there had been one more thing. ‘Come, my fairy princesses.’

Barbara realized the fairy princess reference had been to Drama Queen’s minions, who had used the names of characters from fairy tales when they had first encountered Batman. Drama Queen’s remark about a storybook ending had been a mystery until she saw the wedding announcements in the newspaper. “Charlie, fairy tale weddings always have Prince Charming as the groom . . . and Professor Avery Evans Charm will be married Saturday morning!

“I don’t have an invitation, but Batgirl will be there!”

After Farthingale Stillwell obtained Batman; Robin; Batwoman; and Flamebird’s freedom, pending charges, he insisted their vehicles be promptly released from police impound. Batgirl took possession of the genuine Batgirlcycle on Professor Charm’s wedding day and drove to the church well before the ceremony. She selected a concealed vantage point outside the building, from which she could monitor arrivals and began her vigil with a large, strong cup of coffee, remaining hidden in case she had misinterpreted Drama Queen’s intentions.

A few hours later, Batgirl allowed herself to smile when the young, brunette villainess and four accomplices entered the building shortly after Caroline Williams arrived with her bridesmaids. Drama Queen was dressed in white, while her henchwomen wore matching dresses. ‘She’s going to impersonate Miss Williams, the bride, unless I stop her!’ Batgirl thought, as she slipped into the church and followed them cautiously to the rooms where the bridal party would prepare for the ceremony. Finding them, Batgirl hid once again to gather evidence with her micro-tape recorder and a spy camera. ‘As long as I’m certain Drama Queen isn’t really hurting anyone, making sure of her conviction might well be my best course of action. After all, convicting a crook who habitually impersonates others could be tricky.’

Drama Queen knocked on the bridal chamber door while Scarlet and Ashley stationed themselves on either side with a bouquet of lavender flowers each.

“Hello,” the unsuspecting bridesmaid who opened the door said.

“Good morning, Miss,” Drama Queen said. Scarlet and Ashley held their flower arrangements out close to the woman.

“I’m sorry,” the bridesmaid said. “I was expecting the flower girls to be younger.” She raised a hand to her head and inhaled. “Hey, what’s happening? I suddenly don’t feel–” Scarlet caught the woman when she collapsed before completing her statement and led the way inside, kicking her flowers ahead of her and dragging her victim.

“What’s going on?” someone inside the room demanded.

“Who are you?” another voice queried.

“What do you want?”

“What the–”

Batgirl felt her muscles tense as the voices became quiet behind the closed door. The Dominoed Daredoll had recognized the flowers. ‘She’s using the Alba Bulgaria species of poisoned lilacs the way Louie the Lilac would!’ she thought. ‘Drama Queen isn’t even original committing her own crimes.’ The Curved Crusader slipped into an adjoining room and silently passed unnoticed through an open door before stepping behind a curtain that fell to the floor, carefully making sure her boots remained hidden.

“Will the bridesmaids give us any trouble?” Drama Queen asked.

“No,” Topaz answered. “Tawney and I tied them up.”

“We made sure they would keep quiet, too,” the brown-haired henchwoman reported.

“Excellent,” Drama Queen said. “I’ll need Miss Williams as a model. My look will require a few finishing touches and Professor Charm deserves nothing less than perfection from his new wife.”

Scarlet and Ashley carried Caroline Williams, who was gagged and bound to a straight-backed chair, across the room and placed her where Drama Queen could see her easily. Then, the quartet got to work on their mistress, making her look almost exactly like the bride.

“Professor Charm will be delighted, until his big surprise,” Tawney said, laughing, once they had finished.

“He’ll be pleased after my revelation, too,” Drama Queen confidently said. “I’m sure I can convince him he’s trading up. By the way, is the Professor, my future husband, here yet?”

“I’ll go watch for him,” Ashley volunteered. She and Topaz had posted themselves near the door inside the room once Drama Queen was ready for the ceremony.

Caroline Williams had been protesting vainly through her gag and squirming helplessly in her bonds throughout Pauline’s transformation.

“Don’t worry, dear,” Drama Queen said to the captive. “I’ll take good care of your fiancé’.” The disguised villainess turned to her henchwomen. “How do I look?”

“You’re smokin’ hot, boss.” Tawney said.

“She means the disguise,” Scarlet explained. “You look just like her.”

The look Caroline Williams gave her captors did not induce spontaneous human combustion, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

“Girls, we won’t need Miss Williams any more. Put her in the closet.”

“Boss, can I ask you something?” Tawney asked.

“Why not?”

“What made you decide to come after Professor Charm?”

“Remember Topaz mentioning he had some dealings with the Riddler?” Drama Queen asked.

“I do,” Ashley said. “Vaguely.”

“The way I heard it,” Topaz explained, “the Riddler spent three million dollars to purchase something called a demolecularizer.”

“Think of it,” Drama Queen said. “Professor Charm invented a small cylindrical beam projector capable of unraveling the structure of solid objects at the subatomic level. The demolecularizer will prove invaluable once our crime wave changes venues. We can use it to bust into anything.” All of the women laughed.

“That sounds like a pretty fancy pencil flashlight, boss,” Scarlet said.

“Indeed,” Drama Queen dreamily said. “If, as I suspect, the Professor has continued developmental work on his infamous demolecularizer, it will be even more powerful. I’ll be utterly unstoppable!”

A knock sounded at the door. Ashley spoke to the man at the door and announced the Professor and the groomsmen had arrived. “It won’t be long now,” Tawney said.

“Enough talk of business,” Drama Queen ordered. “We’ll put the finishing touches on your outfits, and then we’re on.”

The waiting was agony for the villainesses. Time might have seemed to crawl by even more slowly for Batgirl, who finally emerged from her hiding place after the faux bridal party had gone to take their places.

Batgirl opened the closet and put a gloved finger to her lips as she tore the gag from Caroline Williams’s mouth.

“Thank you, Batgirl,” the grateful woman said. The Curved Crusader slashed the bindings from her wrists and ankles. “Some woman is trying to take my place in my wedding!”

“You’re welcome, Miss Williams. I know all about Drama Queen’s plan. Now, I’ll need you to help me free your bridesmaids. Then, I’ll go after Drama Queen and stop her from marrying Professor Charm.”

“I’ll help you free my bridesmaids, Batgirl.” Caroline Williams said. “Then, before we stop my wedding, you’ll help me change out of this dress.”

“Once Drama Queen is exposed, there is nothing that will keep you from getting married,” Batgirl pointed out.

“Oh, I’m still getting married. I just don’t want the dress damaged when I have a short word with my counterpart.” Caroline Williams explained, as her eyes narrowed into a matching pair of slits. “There is no way she is going to get away with hijacking my wedding!”

Batgirl was no stranger to violence, but even she was taken aback by the menace in the woman’s voice. “Let’s get your bridesmaids free first,” Batgirl suggested. Caroline Williams nodded.

Reverend Hazlitt often considered writing a book about his adventures, but had determined he had not experienced enough material. So, instead, his fantastic stories had found their way into his sermons.

First, it had been the bravery of one of his parishioner’s employees, who had taken the reverend’s place when the Penguin had kidnapped him in order to marry Barbara Gordon. He spoke of the incident vaguely to avoid embarrassing Bruce Wayne or Alfred Pennyworth, the millionaire’s faithful butler, who was, if fact, the heroic subject of the story.

The next criminal to have brought him in to perform a wedding was Ma Legs Parker. She had threatened to have various citizens, whom she had previously kidnapped, tortured in front of him until he agreed to perform the ceremony. Batgirl’s intervention had thwarted the young villainess' elaborate plans.

On this day, the reverend began the wedding unaware the woman he believed to be Caroline Williams was an imposter. He was happy for the couple and delighted at how flawlessly the ceremony proceeded. The couple and their guests seemed to listen to his remarks, which he hoped were not too lengthy, as everyone waited expectantly for him to administer the exchange of vows.

“Before I make the pronouncement for which I know you are all waiting, I am required by the law of Gotham state to ask if anyone present objects to the union of this man and this woman on any grounds whatsoever,” he said quickly, yet formally, once Drama Queen wore the ring the Professor offered. “If so, please speak now or forever hold your peace."

Batgirl strode along the aisle and stopped in the center of the church, placing her hands on her shapely hips and letting her legs spread to shoulder width. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Reverend, but I am obligated to make an introduction before you continue.”

Drama Queen whirled to face the imposter. "What is the meaning of this?" she demanded. “She’s a criminal now. What’s she doing here?”

“Funny you should ask that,” Batgirl said, “since you left the real bride tied to a chair and gagged in the bridal chambers!”

The congregation stared, open-mouthed, as Professor Charm took a step back from the woman at the altar.

Drama Queen returned her gaze to the Reverend. "Finish it!" she ordered.

"I think I should wait to hear Batgirl try to back up her allegation," Reverend Hazlitt said quietly. “In my experience, she has always known what she was doing.”

“What are you talking about?” Drama Queen demanded. “Historically, Batgirl crashes weddings all the time!”

“Only when I have the opportunity to place members of the wedding party under arrest!" Batgirl shot back. “Are you willing to come quietly?”

“Reverend, I told you. She is a criminal!”

“Yes,” the Reverend agreed. "You did . . . and if so, I’m sure she will be arrested at the appropriate time. Meanwhile, I want to see what happens.”

“This is outrageous! I demand–”

“I demand that you get out of my wedding ceremony!” Caroline Williams said, striding purposefully into the church. She was not in her bridal gown now, but wore sweat pants and a t-shirt. “I sincerely hope you refuse, because I’m looking forward to personally removing you—bodily!” Batgirl made no move to obstruct the angry bride as she approached Drama Queen.

Drama Queen grabbed the Professor’s arm as she whirled to face the preacher. “Will you finish marrying us?”

“Certainly,” Reverend Hazlitt said, “as soon as this allegation is cleared up. I’m afraid it’s rather serious.”

“All right,” Drama Queen said. “If you won’t do something about this outrage, I will! Get them, girls!”

Hazlitt was about to protest that they were all in a House of God, but quickly realized his words would have been futile. ‘Ah, well,’ he rationalized, ‘perhaps this is more of an Old Testament situation.’

As Drama Queen’s ‘bridesmaids’ stood to block the aisle, Batgirl leaped and spun in midair, extending a leg that slammed into Scarlet’s shoulder and cut her down. Two purple fists slammed into Ashley with the force of driving pistons and the white-haired women slowly collapsed.

Topaz was Batgirl’s next target. A trademark, showgirl kick knocked her to the floor.

Caroline Williams prevented Tawney from seizing her throat in a death grip before wrapping the henchwoman’s hair around her hands. She wrenched violently forward and downward. Miss Williams held her opponent in a firm grip while raising a knee repeatedly into the woman’s midriff.

Batgirl’s quick action and Caroline Williams merciless punishment of Tawney startled Drama Queen. Suddenly, the situation hit home and she spun to flee.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Caroline Williams cried, flinging Tawney aside and charging in pursuit of the lead villainess. Drama Queen quickly learned what her helpers already knew. Their dresses and shoes did nothing to help rapid movement or fighting. Conversely, the women in the figure-hugging attire could pursue and attack without the slightest impediment.

Batgirl shackled Drama Queen’s captured, defeated henchwomen. The heroine then led them from the sanctuary.

The short parade found Caroline Williams breathing heavily and sitting atop the vainly struggling villainess. Pauline tried to keep the tatters to which her dress had been reduced in place.

“I didn’t think Drama Queen would get far in that dress and those high heels,” Batgirl said, smiling. “It took a lot of practice to learn how to run in these,” indicating her boots.

Professor Charm and Reverend Hazlitt joined Batgirl outside. “The police are on the way,” the Reverend said. “It’s been a much more eventful day than any of us imagined.”

“Indeed it has,” Professor Charm agreed. “You’ve done it again, Batgirl. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Professor. Why don’t I handcuff that imposter, so your future wife can get changed?”

“Good idea. I’m in the mood to get married.”

Drama Queen faced the watchers as Caroline Williams turned her over to Batgirl. "I’ll remember this, Batgirl. No one has ever thwarted one of my plans so completely and spectacularly.” The villainess voice became soft and deadly. “Not only have you not heard the last of me, when I return, you’re a dead woman.”

“And you.” She then turned to Professor Charm. “You have no idea what you’re missing,” Pauline said haughtily, as she then turned away, her nose upturned.

“Oh,” Professor Charm said. “I think I’d rather marry my fiancé, thank you.”

“Good choice, Professor,” Reverend Hazlitt complimented.

“I don’t suppose they ever really throw away the key after locking up someone like her,” Caroline Williams lamented, indicating Drama Queen with her chin. “Do they?”

“No,” Batgirl said. “She’ll be in jail for a long time, though. She has a lot for which to answer.”

“Would you stay for our wedding, Batgirl?” Professor Charm asked.

“I’d be honored–”

A discreet cough drew Batgirl’s attention to a lone male police officer, who had just arrived. “Excuse me, Batgirl, but if you’ll help me escort your prisoner to a changing room, I have a city jail-issue red V-neck outfit that might be more suitable for her.”

Batgirl glanced at the villainess in the tattered wedding dress. “That’s probably a good idea. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll see you all after the wedding.”

Professor Charm cleared his throat. “I hope you will not be needing that wedding ring as evidence,” he said, indicating the villainess finger.

“I think we can manage without it,” the officer said, turning it over to him before returning his attention to the villainess. “Let’s go!”

Shortly thereafter, Caroline Williams was changing and more police officers were guiding Drama Queen’s henchwomen to a nearby paddy wagon. Drama Queen watched, moving slowly as the officer escorted her through the throng of curious onlookers to the passenger side of a second paddy wagon.

“So, you’re taking me up the river separately?” Drama Queen asked. “I’d have thought you’d want me to ride in the back.”

“Not this time, Miss,” the officer replied. “I like to keep my eye on Gotham City’s super villainesses.”

“I’m sure you do,” she witheringly replied. She shrugged after a moment when her companion did not respond and climbed into the passenger seat. Seconds later, her private paddy wagon pulled away.

Batgirl stayed for the single-minded couple’s wedding after the police and the prisoners had been taken away. Afterwards, she helped shower the newlyweds with rice.

“Do you know where to send a ‘Thank You’ card that will reach Batgirl, Reverend?” Mrs. Charm asked, using her cell phone as a limousine carried them toward a venue where photographers waited.

“I’m afraid I really don’t,” Reverend Hazlitt answered.

“Maybe Commissioner Gordon can help us find her,” Professor Charm thoughtfully said after the call had ended. “I’m sure Batgirl is very modest.”

“Probably,” Caroline Charm agreed. “Nevertheless, we owe her a debt that can never be properly repaid.”

“Oh. Indeed, dear. I couldn’t agree more.”

Meanwhile, the paddy wagon Drama Queen occupied pulled to a stop in front of a Western-style sheriff’s office at the abandoned Biosphere Studios. “We’re here,” the officer announced.

”Well, this isn’t the jail to which I was expecting to be taken,” the prisoner said. “What’s going on? Who are you?”

“Don’t you know, Pauline?” the officer asked. “I’ve made myself at home in these crumbling old sets and behind these false fronts.” As he spoke, the officer tossed his cap and uniform coat aside. As he turned to regard her, the officer’s face was concealed behind a plastic mask.

“False Face!”

“I can still take you to jail and leave you behind, or we can step across the street to the hotel and talk. You’d be a lot more comfortable at the hotel.”

“What shall we talk about?” the girl coolly asked.

“The price of freedom, specifically yours,” the Master of Disguise replied. “You’ve made a lot of money impersonating certain members of the Gotham City underworld. Not all of them are happy about it. Since your performance was obviously inspired by me, I deserve a cut of your considerable profits.”

“If you only brought me here to blackmail me, I think I’ll take my chances in jail.”

False Face laughed. “Once we’ve settled on the price of my inspiration, we’ll have the future about which to think and the important part you may wish to play in it.”

“You’re going back into business?”

“I will soon, and I’ll need competent help when I do.”

“Maybe we do have something to discuss, after all,” the girl cautiously said.

“I’m glad you feel that way. Before we start negotiating, why don’t you do something about the appearance of my tricky truck? It looks conspicuous as a police paddy wagon.”

Pauline reached for a lever and pulled it before False Face helped her to the ground and began guiding her toward the hotel. By the time they had entered the building, the truck had transformed into a closed, grey vehicle bearing no markings whatsoever.

Like Drama Queen herself, it had vanished into thin air.

Back to Batgirl Bat-Trap stories

Back to the Batgirl Bat-Trap Homepage!