WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR INTREPID HEROES,
BATGIRL WAS FACED WITH THE NOZZLE OF THE RIDDLER’S AND CATWOMAN’S GIANT WHIPPING-CREAM DISPENSER,
FLOWING SUPER-HARDENING WHIPPING CREAM OVER HER SUPERHEROINE BODY!

UNAWARE OF HER WHEREABOUTS, BATMAN AND ROBIN CAN ONLY WATCH FROM THE BATCAVE VIA THE VILLAINY CHANNEL ON LATE-NIGHT CABLE!

Batman and Robin remain fixated on the scene on the television monitor: the writhing figure of Batgirl bound to a wall in some forgotten warehouse, her legs already encased in Super-Hardening Whipping Cream. With inhuman efficiency, the dispenser inches upward on its pivot, slathering mounds of gooey cream higher and higher on Batgirl’s form.

Riddler: “In under a quarter of an hour, Creped Crusaders, Batgirl will be finished! That gives you less than fifteen tantalizing minutes to detect our location and save her! Hee-hee-hee!! . . . and you’ll never find us down here!”

Catwoman [under her cat’s-breath]: “Shush, you green giggler!”

Suddenly, the picture disappears, to be replaced by static, and then the Villainy Channel test pattern.

Robin: “Batman! We’ve got to do something! They’re turning her into a giant human éclair!”

Batman: “Keep a cool head, old chum! I-- actually, an éclair has cream on the inside. Here they have cream on the outside, and Batgirl on the inside.”

Robin: “Gosh, yes, Batman . . . but what are we going to do?”

Batman: “That mad miscreant may have accidentally slipped us a clue. What were his last words?”

Robin: “'You’ll never find us down here'?”

Batman: “Right! Implying an underground location!”

Robin: “Unless he meant downtown.”

Batman: “Hmm. What sorts of locations are underground?”

Robin: “Subways, basements . . . wine cellars. Of course! -- the Mysterious Labyrinthine Wine Cellar of the Duke of Slamshire!”

Batman: “No, no. That’s being refurbished due to the rising damp. Also, it’s in Londinium, and Riddler and Catwoman couldn’t have taken Batgirl that far in such a short time. No, concentrate on the theme of the villains’ scheme this go-round.”

Robin: “Fashion designers, bikinis, lingerie, fabrics… spandex, Lurex… Lurex! That’s it!!”

SO THE DYNAMIC DUO RACE ACROSS TOWN TO REACH THE IMPRISONED BATGIRL . . .

BUT CAN THEY ARRIVE IN TIME?

Batgirl is covered up to her neck in the immobilizing whipping cream, and the dispenser, still flowing out its gooey product, slowly, slowly takes aim at her face…

Riddler: “Why is your fate like your face, Batgirl? Because they’re both… about to be sealed! . . . and Batman and Robin have yet to show their ugly masks around here!”

Batgirl: “My fate is unimportant, Riddler, but your end will be coming soon, or at least, the end to this little caper . . . in a prison cell! When Batman gets here--”

Catwoman: “When Batman gets here, he’ll walk strrraight into our trrrap . . . and then we’ll have another plaything to paw arrround.”

Riddler: “Don’t forget Robin and Batwoman, Catwoman.”

Catwoman: “I’m counting on them, Riddler. In fact, we should conceal ourselves. The rest of the fantastic foursome should be assembling soon to rrrescue our purrrple prrrey.”

Sure enough, Batman and Robin have already entered the Lurex Underground, and struggle their way through the mass of dancing youths clad in clingy club wear. They find the door labeled ‘Little Used Storage Room,’ open it, and dash inside.

Batgirl: “Batman! Hurry! In my utility belt--over there hanging on the wall--a vial of industrial-strength makeup remover! The cream is about to cover my mmmpgh! Mmmgh!!”

Is it too late? The Giant Whipping Cream Dispenser has filled Batgirl’s mouth!

As Robin deactivates the Dispenser, Batman quickly finds the vial in Batgirl’s belt, and begins using the liquid to dissolve the whipped cream concoction. Soon, she is free.

Batgirl: “Bleaughh!! Whew! I was afraid for a moment that you wouldn’t make it in time!”

Batman: “Perish the thought, Batgirl. We couldn’t let our trusted ally in the War on Crime come to such a sticky end.”

Batgirl: “Watch it, Batman! Riddler and the Catwoman are still lurking around here somewhere. I overheard their plans; they want to capture you two and Batwoman.”

Batman smiles, then snickers a bit. “Their egos are getting the best of them if they think they can capture all of us.”

Robin: “Shh! Batman! I hear Catwoman coming!”

The telltale tap-tap-tap of lightweight boots gives away the approach of a woman… Batman and Robin position themselves on either side of the door, and Batman prepares the Bat-Blinding Flash unit from his utility belt. The door swings open, and…

Batgirl: “Wait! That’s not--”

Batgirl’s warning comes an instant too late, as Batman’s flash unit goes off in Batwoman’s face, momentarily blinding her!

Batwoman: “Whoa! Can’t see!”

Robin: “Holy Misdirected Attack!”

Riddler [from behind an urn]: "You can say that again, Boy Blunder! It’s a wrap, boys!”

With lightning speed, giant spindles of cloth emerge from the walls, reeling out fabric while circling and entangling the Dynamic Duo and Batwoman. A robotic roll goes after Batgirl, but she is prepared for the attack. The precision sharpened edge of her custom Batfile slices through the many layers of fabric.

Batgirl: “You’ll have to do better than that, Riddler!”

Catwoman: “Oh, we intend to!”

With that, Catwoman rises from behind Batgirl, bringing a dart gun to bear. With a burst of compressed air, the dart filled with Catalepsy drug penetrates Batgirl’s cape and lodges in her shapely posterior.

Catwoman: “Sorry, sweetie. Couldn’t rrresist such a tempting tarrrget.”

So Catwoman, the Riddler and their gang survey their accomplishments: Batgirl stiffly collapsed on the floor, and Batman, Robin and Batwoman wrapped up like mummies in 50% cotton/lurex. Can it be that their plan is unfolding perfectly?

******************

Our Fearless Foursome soon find themselves chained in a large warehouse buzzing with activity. Fashion designers scrawl notes and drawings, confer, scratch their heads, argue, then crumple the pages and start the whole process again.

Vera Dang: “I cannot work under these conditions. Where is my latte??”

The Catwoman cracks her Cat-O-Nine-Tails in the air above the frantic designers.

Catwoman: “Keep focused, my designing divas! If you cannot deal with the task at hand, you’ll feel the sting of my whip on your backsides!”

Interestingly, one of the Riddler’s henchmen approaches Catwoman with questions.

One of the Riddler’s henchmen: “Gee, Catwoman, since we’re putting new masks and costumes on Batman and the others, did anyone look to see who they are?”

Catwoman: “Their true identities are henceforth unimportant, Ben. If they don’t perish in this little adventure, they’ll be so completely humiliated, all of the Caped Crusaders will have to hang up their cowls and masks for good.”

Ben: “Oh, okay . . . and when you removed their costumes to put on those diabolically tiny lurex bikini parody-costumes on Batgirl and Batwoman, did you get to see them naked?”

The African-American woman glares at the inquisitive underling, momentarily at a loss for words.

Catwoman: “Fool! I am a super-criminal, not a super-degenerate! I . . . I may have taken High-Definition video of those events, but strictly for documentary purposes . . .”

Ben: “Right.”

Catwoman: “Quiet! They’re coming out of their cat-tharsis.”

Vera Dang: “Oh, I simply cannot do this. Batman’s new cowl is just not right. I wanted more of a 19^th Century 'Carnivale' look. Now, it simply looks 'side show.' Let me fix it, Catwoman.”

Catwoman: “It will do.”

Vera Dang: “. . . but I need to make the giant nose curve upward, instead of downward!”

Catwoman: “IT WILL DO! Fashion designers have no sense of urgency. The imperatives of arch-criminal schema are lost on you.”

Miss Vera Dang looks sympathetically at the speedo-clad, parody-Batman.

Van Dang: “I’m sorry, Batman. You know I’m working under duress.”

Batman: “You don’t have to take such a keen interest in this perverted project, then!”

Vera Dang: “Batman! You wouldn’t want me to compromise my professional work ethic, would you?”

Meanwhile, Batgirl’s new costume appears complete. Although her cowl and mask are untouched, she now wears elbow-length black gloves and knee-high black boots. Batgirl wears nothing else, save for a purple lurex Bat-Micro-Kini top that exposes most of the lower half of her breasts and a matching bikini bottom with her Batgirl symbol affixed to it.

Batgirl: “Do your worst, Catwoman! Our self-images are stronger than any of this nonsense you and Riddler can throw at us!”

Riddler: “We’ll see about that, Batgirl. For at this very moment, Batwoman is being placed in the Giant Man-Made Fiber vat upstairs--about to be drawn into an extremely long strand of Dacron-Polyester!!”

Batgirl: "You monster!"

Batgirl struggles to escape her bonds, but her captors have wisely ensnared her in cold steel--completely inescapable!

Catwoman: “Purr-haps Batwoman's life is valuable to you in some way. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe… maybe you’d be willing to exchange … something for it.”

Batgirl knows they have her exactly where they want her. “What do you want from me?”

Catwoman: “Well, since you seem to be volunteerrring . . . Robin’s new costume is not quite complete. The designers were thinking of a green rubber diaperrr… Would you be so kind?”

Robin: “NO!! Aaugh! Can’t break . . . free!!”

Batgirl: “Promise you’ll release Batwoman.”

Catwoman: “I swear on my honor as a thief. There is the diaper, on the mannequin in the spotlight.”

Batgirl’s crestfallen expression is all the language needed to tell Catwoman that she’s won. The Riddler’s henchmen unlock Batgirl’s bonds with silvery keys, allowing her to do the Feline Felon’s bidding.

Batgirl: “Robin, try to think about something else… Remember, Batwoman’s life is in jeopardy!”

Robin: “Yes… yes… I’ll think of something…”

Batgirl removes the diaper from the mannequin.

Robin: “Baseball! Paul Diamante had a great season . . . and his wife just had a baby-- Baby? Diapers?? Aaugh!!”

Batgirl approaches the fettered young man.

Robin: “Something else… umm… Foreign affairs! The European Union -- France, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands-- Low-lying country . . . Always on guard against the sea… dikes . . . water . . . Protected from leaks… Aaugh!!”

Batgirl snaps Robin’s diaper in place. Catwoman orders her back into her corner.

Batgirl: “All right, Catwoman. Now bring Batwoman back down here!”

Catwoman: “With pleasurrre, Batgirrrl!”

A few moments later, Batwoman emerges from a small freight elevator, flanked by the Riddler’s henchmen. Batman, Batgirl and Robin are stunned by what they see.

A giant bow upon her cowl, with huge, curving bat-ears, and a Bat-Mini-Kini of yellow lurex, do little to hide Batwoman’s curvaceous physicality. The stunning heroine is shackled hand and foot with metal chains, making walking difficult.

Catwoman: “Now it’s yourrr turn, Batwoman!! Watch carefully as Batman is strapped down into the rrrolling fabric press. This machine is normally used to print stylish designs on fabric… but now we’ll see it make a great impression on Batman… one he’ll never forget!”

As Batman is strapped in place on the conveyor belt leading to the fabric press of death, it seems Batwoman will be faced with the next challenge…

Batwoman: “Stop this madness!!”

Catwoman: “Why, yes, my pulchritudinous prrrisoner! I’ll do as you say . . . but I must ask this of you in return: You see, the lurex bikini our designers have dressed Batgirl in seems a little loose.”

Batgirl gasps. As it is, her swimsuit is barely covering anything at all! Any tighter, and her Bat-Micro-Kini will be exposing more than her tan lines!!

Riddler: “All you need do, Batwoman, is adjust the tightening fixtures on the back of Batgirl’s new costume straps. Then she’ll be right as rain. Men, release the Batwoman.”

Batgirl braces herself. Batwoman, upon having her shackles removed, can not help but do as the Riddler commands. Batgirl raises her hands over her head and closes her eyes in resignation.

Batwoman reaches for the steel ratcheting tabs on Batgirl’s bondage lingerie straps. *Click*! Her bra is tightened one notch. *Click!* Another. Batgirl finds it difficult to breathe in the cinched lurex… and then Batwoman goes for her bottoms…

Batwoman speaks breathlessly into Batgirl’s ear . . .

Batwoman: “Forgive me, Batgirl. I must do this, to save Batman.”

*Click!* Batwoman tightens Batgirl's panties. *Click!* In further. *Click!* The lurex rides up uncomfortably. Batgirl can only imagine how she looks to the others.

The Riddler’s henchmen giggle like schoolchildren, while Robin is silent, embarrassed by his body's reaction to the diaper and the scene.

Riddler: “I'm bored!"

Catwoman: "I'm not!" Catwoman licks her lips salaciously.

Riddler: "Let’s just kill them all.”

Catwoman: "Not yet!"

Riddler: "Riddle me this, Catwoman -- Who makes the rules?"

Catwoman, in no mood for guessing games, turns her paws up and looks skyward.

Riddler: "Answer -- The one with the gold! . . . and since you had me hire the henchmen, they obey me! Men, take them!"

The Riddler’s henchmen unchain Robin, then march him, Batgirl and Batwoman over to the fabric press machine.

Riddler: “Stop the presses! Batman will now have company on his journey into the next world!!”

The Riddler’s henchmen add the other crimefighters to the belt. Batgirl, Robin and Batwoman are tied down with heavy rope, just like Batman.

Riddler (between maniacal giggles): "Goodbye, Batman . . . Robin . . . Batgirl . . . Batwoman! You all should have a good . . . rest . . . in . . . here!"

The Riddler and his men depart. Catwoman follows, but not without one last regretful look back.

WITH ALL OF THEM LEFT TO THE SAME FATE,
(and with Flamebird still in upstate Gotham at the annual PVC and Latex Convention)
WHO CAN SAVE THEM NOW?

THE POWER OF THE PRESS IS SOON TO BE EXPERIENCED!
BATMAN, THEN BATGIRL, ROBIN AND BATWOMAN, ARE ABOUT TO FEEL THE PINCH!!

COULD IT BE THAT THE RIDDLER HAS FINALLY FOUND THE PATTERN OF DOOM FOR OUR HEROES?

Batgirl: “Batman! The rollers are only inches from your body!”

Batman springs into action. With incredible athleticism, he stretches his body to roll back on the belt, finding himself prone atop the micro-bikini-clad, Dominoed Dare-Doll, Batgirl.

Batman: “Quickly, Batgirl! The edges on my chrome/moly parody Bat-ears are razor-sharp--the costumers didn’t have time to grind them smooth. Use the surface to cut through your bonds!!”

Batgirl does as he says, rubbing her rope bindings against Batman’s ‘ears,’ breaking free in a matter of seconds! She quickly removes her and Batman’s ropes, enabling them to jump off the belt.

Batgirl: “You’ve saved us all, Batman. I’ve always been awed and fascinated by you.”

Batman: “. . . and I by you, Batgirl.”

Batwoman: "A little help here!"

Robin: “The rollers have cinched onto my cape!”

With haste, Batman and Batgirl stop the conveyor, and free Robin and Batwoman in the nick of time.

Robin: “Holy Squeeze Play, Batman!”

Batman: “Yes, Robin, it’s lucky Batgirl and I were able to save Batwoman and yourself in time.”

Batwoman: “No kidding! Don't you think you two could have given us more of a margin of safety?”

Batgirl: “No time to worry about that! Riddler and Catwoman are still on the loose! Oh, could you undo me a little, Batwoman?”

Batwoman: “Certainly, Batgirl. There you are. Now, assuming they don't kill each other, where do you think those two will strike next?”

Batman: “No question about it, Batwoman. Their next target will be the Anaerobic Workout Wear Celebration, at Dally’s Fitness Center in downtown Gotham.”

Batgirl: "How do you know that?"

Robin: "The Riddler told us, right before he left."

Batwoman: "What?"

Robin: "Riddler emphasized that we should have a good rest in here. The opposite of rest is work; of in, out; and if it's not here, it's--"

Batgirl: "Where! . . . Work-out Wear!!"

Batwoman: “Of course! Logically completing the spandex triad: swimwear, lingerie, workout wear. Leave it to the World’s Greatest Detective.”

Batman: “Your flattery is unnecessary, Batwoman. The deduction was… elementary? Lead on.”

Robin: “Oh, Batman . . ?”

Batman: “Yes, Robin?”

Robin: “Do you think we could find our real costumes, first? This rubber diaper is kind of . . . chafing.”

Batgirl: “Yes, and that mask with the huge nose, Batman, isn’t likely to inspire much fear in the hearts of criminals.”

Batman: “Hmm. Yes.”

Robin (to himself): 'Did I detect a twinge of sadness in Batman’s voice? Could Batman be regretting the fact that Batgirl and Batwoman will be changing out of their racy, miniscule parody-costumes??'

LATER, VIA BATMOBILE AND BAT-GYRO, OUR QUINTESSENTIAL QUARTET OF JUSTICE SPEEDS TO DALLY’S FITNESS CENTER, HOSTING THE ANAEROBIC WORKOUT WEAR CELEBRATION, WHERE…

Sure enough, the Riddler and Catwoman have ‘stolen the show,’ in a manner of speaking . . . but as they prepare to leave the exercise floor with more kidnapped fashion designers in tow, they find their way blocked by first one, then two, then three and finally four superheroes!

Riddler: “Batman! Robin! et. al.! You’re not dead!”

Batman: “Very -- much -- ALIVE! No thanks to your fiendish fabric press!”

Robin: “. . . and now it’s our pressing business to take you two in!”

Batgirl: “Such a shame you didn’t feel it necessary to bring your gang of hoodlums along. This will hardly be a challenge.”

Catwoman: “Guess again, you blithering bats! Ladies!”

From behind a makeshift stage emerge ten female bodybuilders in tiger-print leotards and catsuits… and do they look ready for a fight!

--Three bodybuilders square off against Batman. He parries their blows!--

**SHUNK!!**

--Batgirl high-kicks one in the face!--

**PANG!**

--A pair of the women go for Batwoman, only to be met with fist and boot simultaneously!--

**FWUMP!!!**

--Batman starts a heavy barbell rolling toward his three attackers, bowling them over like nine-pins!--

**STRIKE!!**

--Three bodybuilders descend upon Robin. One manages to catch him in a headlock!--

**SQUEEZE!!**

--Elsewhere, Batgirl dodges the final bodybuilder to one side, and then the other, of a lat-exercise machine. Finally, she swings the arm out in a smashing blow against her opponent!--

**CRUNK-KKK!**

--Robin still caught in a headlock, forces the woman around in a circle, so that she absorbs the blows intended for him, rained down by her two cohorts. Still, she manages to maintain the hold. Robin, seeing Batwoman approach from behind, stops and . . .

**THAKK!!**

--Batwoman kicks the bodybuilder's derriere, finally jolting Robin loose.--

--The bodybuilder, enraged, flings herself at Batwoman.--

--Batwoman darts aside, and the she-hulk careens into a row of exercise bikes!--

**OW--TCHH!!!!**

--Robin sweeps a leg underneath the remaining two henchwomen. They fall hard, hitting their heads on the floor!--

**CRACK!!**

The Riddler, having dropped his kidnapee, flees for an exit, but is caught by a gleeful Batgirl, who Batarangs him on the head.

**BOP!**

The Catwoman disappears down the hallway, running at full speed round the corner, making it to the lobby of Dally’s, and…

…is intercepted by the Batman, who anticipated her escape, and stands ready to capture her!

Catwoman: “Quadruple-DRAT! There’re too many of you!”

Batman: “Quite correct, Catwoman. I’ve learned it’s not wise to keep the crimefighting spotlight all to myself.”

Catwoman preens as best she can, under the circumstances: “There was a time, Batman, when you considered sharing the spotlight with me…”

Batman (coldly): "I thought you were only interested in other women when you were in that body?"

Catwoman (looking hurt as she rubs her right shoulder up against Batman's chest): "Why, Batman, nothing could ever change the way I feel about you."

Batman’s tone softens: “I won’t lie to you, Catwoman. The thought was not altogether unpleasing, but as I recall, on more than one occasion you've suggested that we deal with Robin by putting him to death!”

Catwoman: “Painlessly, of course.”

Batman: “So you see, Catwoman, I could hardly believe that you would ever reform just for me!”

Catwoman: “Oh, but I could try! Rrreally, I could. Hmmph! . . . but now you’ve got those other two kitties, Batgirl and Batwoman. Although…”

Catwoman pauses, placing a gloved paw on Batman’s chest, then continues: “We might be able to make them all into our mindless servants! Listen, honey, I’ve been working on this new drug…”

Batman: “This is pointless, Catwoman. How can there be any future for us together?”

Catwoman: “You’ll be waiting for me, Batman.”

Batman stiffens: “I don’t think so.”

Catwoman: “No, I mean it. I’ve just applied a dose of Catalepsy drug through your costume. You’ll be unable to move yourrr limbs forrr fourrr minutes. Sorry, Batman. I know men hate it when a woman makes them wait.”

With that, Catwoman vanishes through the corridors.

Chief O’Hara and his force arrive, moments too late. “Batman! Batman! Are you all right?”

Batman, stiff as a board, teeters over into O’Hara’s arms. Even his jaw is tightened by the sinister drug.

Batman: “Rrrr…”

*************************

LATER, SAFELY BACK AT STATELY WAYNE MANOR:

Aunt Harriet: “Oh, I just adore those models in Illustrated Sports! They’re all so svelte and carefree!”

Dick Grayson: “Yes, Batman and Robin freed those swimsuit designers just in time to produce new suits for this year’s issue.”

Bruce Wayne: “Well, I heard Batgirl and Batwoman proved themselves invaluable, as usual.”

Alfred peruses a two-page spread in the magazine, with some fascination: “Indeed.”

Aunt Harriet: “Alfred! You’re looking at those photographs as though you had some--some prurient interest!”

Alfred: “*Ahem* Not at all, madam. As you may well recall, I was president of the Gotham City Shutterbug Club from 1958 to 1964. I was simply admiring the excellent photographic styling.”

Bruce Wayne: “Well, I for one think the magazine’s decision to run Batgirl and Batwoman on the cover was a fitting tribute.”

Dick Grayson: “Which one inspires you more, Bruce? Batgirl?? Batwoman???”

Bruce Wayne: “Oh, you might be surprised, Dick. I’d have to answer, the Catwoman!”

Aunt Harriet: “Bruce!”

Bruce Wayne: “Well, the question was which inspires me most… not which one I admire!” With that, Bruce kisses Aunt Harriet on the forehead, and he and Dick retire to the study. Alfred and Aunt Harriet take a moment to confer.

Aunt Harriet: “The Catwoman! What if Batman were so cavalier about having an arch-criminal like the Catwoman on the loose?!”

Alfred: “One can only imagine, madam.”

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