Doug- Ah, I don’t know whether to take my date to the movies or take my date out to dinner. Did I mention I have a date?

Mickey- I’m taking my shorty out clubbing tonight, hah, what you doing Jerry?

Jerry- Ah, just going to Erin’s, probably staying having a lot of sex.

Mickey- That’ll work too.

Jerry- I thought you were doubling with QT?

Mickey- Nah, man his mom’s comin’ into town, their goin’ out for a late night dinner and possibly some cut late afterwards.

Doug- Ok lets do it, studs on the loose.

Mickey- Yeeaa. Chad what’s up with you dawg?

Chad- Have fun guys.

Doug- Oh man, I didn't realize, I’ll hang out here, I can buy a prostitute some other night.

Chad- Don’t worry about me, I’ve got someone.

Mickey- Yeeaa, I knew my boy was a player.

Chad- Here she is.

Mickey- Yo dawg, you better be careful when you take her to bed, she can cause some serious paper cuts.

Chad- She’s not a real girl, she’s my dream girl. I haven’t met her yet but I know exactly what she’s like. She loves kittens, and balloon rides, and water balloon fights, but she hates animal balloons. And sometimes when she cries, she licks her tears off, and sometimes she just lets them fall to the ground.

Jerry- What’s her name?

Chad- I didn't name her Jerry, That would be weird. Just go ahead guys, I’ll be cool.

All 3- See yah later.

Chad- One day I’ll find the real you. But for now it’s just you and me and no one else. Yah Hungary or anything?

Girl #1- He is so adorable, what’s he doing now?

Girl #2- (looking into a telescope) OMG he’s talking to some girl, but she looks really wasted.

Girl #1- (looking in tel.) Now he’s pouring his drink with his left hand but he’s eating with his right hand. You know what that means?

Girl#2- Yea, He’s in love with me.

Girl#1- Now, wait a second, Now he’s scratching his eye, you know what that means?

Girl#2- Yea, he’s in love with me.

Girl#1- No maybe its infected or something.

Rumor Spreader #1- My girlfriend told me that Chad Linus has an eye infection.

R.S #2- He was rushed to the emergency room.

R.S#3- It was like this massive tumor in his head and you could like see it coming out one of his ears and stuff, it was gross.

R.S#1- But then they found out there was something wrong with his spleen.

R.S#2- Then this doctor thought he was a different patient and amputated his leg.

R.S#3-And then he woke up and he got out of bed and he didn't know that he didn't have a leg right so then he feel out the window.

Reporter- And on a tragic note, Chad Linus the shy one in the boy band 2gether died today when a doctor mistakenly amputated his face.

Chad- What??

Reporter- He was 17 years old.

Mickey- He- He, well looks like you wont be needing that (takes cereal) yea.

Reporter- Fans across the country are stunned...

Chad- (on phone) Hello news room? My name is Chad Linus, I need to speak to someone about my death.

Reporter- Unfortunately, Chad was taken away from us before the world had a chance to forget him...

Doug- (on phone) Hello grandma? Its me Dougie, you know that rumor about Chad?

Mickey- Yo what the hell is a bisterd?

Jerry- What?

Mickey- I dunno man, QT’s sittin’ in his room all pissed off, said that he’s the dying one and that Chad stole his life, then he called him a bisterd.

Jerry- Oh, yea QT’s trying not to curse.

Mickey- OOHH, that explains why he gave Chad 1/2 the finger.

Chad (On phone)- What do you mean I need proof I’m Chad! I’m looking at me right now and it’s definitely me!

Doug (phone)- What do you mean you didn't hear about it grandma, he’s supposed to be dead, DEAD CHAD’S DEAD!!! No he’s not really... grandma?

Reporter-... He somehow combined sexual tension with puppy dog naive tay...

Chad- No it really is me, I’m Chad (reporter- the lyrics of I gave my 24/7 to you now...) Listen: The Hardest Part of bre... Hello? Hellooo?

Reporter- From this day on...

Doug- Hello 911? You might want to get to my grandma’s house.

Reporter-...We just had our 8th prank caller claiming to be Chad Linus, people please the news is a serious business. Coming up next a dog wearing a hat and cubberbun.

Chad- You know what’s the matter with this world? Nobody listens!

Doug- I think grandma had a heart attack.

Chad- What am I gonna do Doug?

Liz (walking in)- I came over as soon as I could don’t worry I’m already on it we’re gonna have this straightened up in a couple of weeks.

All- A couple of weeks!!!!

Mickey- That’s way too long!

Liz- Sales have gone up 14% since Chad’s untimely demise.

Jerry- Oh 14%?

Mickey- Oh, Rest in Peace Dawg.

Liz- So I thought maybe we should play this out for a while. Now don’t walk past any windows, don’t answer the phone, don’t write anybody, oh you’ve got to eat your garbage, don’t go to the movies, don’t go to the mall, don’t go outside at all. It’ll be fun!

Chad- Fun?

Jerry- (Walking in with flowers) There must be 300 fans out there.

Fans- (mourning and singing) If you didn't phone me you’ll see my sky turning black, I wish my mom would loan me, a couple of prosaic.

Mickey- Damn, those swinging betties need something suttle, Mickey P can turn the sympathy into exstacy. You know! (fans trying to get inside the house) Oh no you don’t girls!

Jerry- Man its amazing what one little rumor can do.

QT- Hi, is this the Rick Dee show? What’s this I hear about QT being dead? No THIS IS NOT QT AGAIN!!! Son of a blitch!!!

Doug- (walking in with flowers)

Fans- But I won’t let it get to me...

Doug- Chad! Those girls are going crazy for yah out there man.

Chad- How would I know? I can’t even go outside, I’m dead! They amputated my face Doug!

Jerry- Oh Chad look at this, your on A and E biography tonight.

Chad- Really?

Mickey- Yea man its dead rockers week on A & E, Yo dawg turn it on.

Jerry- (puts on A & E)

Speaker during the Chad memorabilia: Chad Linus was raised in upstate NY where he and his brother Doug loved to play sports and put on music shows. When he was young, Chad was a natural performer.

Jerry- He- He that’s you!

Speaker- However at the age of 10, Chad’s classmates gave him the unfortunate nickname of ugly ass donkey teeth face, Chad started to avoid people and developed a shyness problem, his only friend was his boa constrictor, Boa constrictor, Mr. Boa Constrictor. Chad’s parents became so concerned about his shyness that they contacted a psychologist.

Psychologist- I was supposed to talk to Chad about his shyness dysfunction, but he never showed up.

Speaker- As Chad turned 17, his fortunes changed dramatically, he became a member of 2gether.

Guys- Wahoo.

Jerry- That’s are boy right there Chad that’s you baby.

Speaker- And then tragedy struck, most people remember where they were when they heard the news of Chad’s death.

Some Girl- OMG I was at the most awesome rave! Heh!

Speaker- Of Course there were some who think that this tragedy was long in the making, noted rock expert Finus Fox.

Finus- If we study u+me=us numerically, then we study that Chad’s actually been dead for years and that he only released his excrement on Tuesdays.

Speaker- Indeed, there seems to be some suttle evidence of excrement withhodel, starting at an early age whatever the truth, Chad will never be forgotten by his fans. He was a spokesperson for his generation.

Guy Fan- Chad completed me, he completed all of us.

Jerry- See Chad, Now this is what I’m talking about your fans love you.

Mickey- Yea Man.

Chad- This is so Cool!

Dream girl- I love Chad, I dreamed of us being 2gether with our little kittens.

Chad- Tha, That’s my dream girl!!

Mickey- She’s fine!

Doug- WOW!

Dream Girl- Go on hay rids, and have water balloon fights and make fun of people make animal balloons, I miss him so much. I’m just gonna try to keep his memory alive... CHHHHAADDD!!!

Chad- Dream girl!!!!!!! I’ve gotta find her!! (tries to leave but the guys stop him)

Guys- NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jerry- Your not supposed to go out remember?

Chad- Being dead sucks!

QT- Maybe you should of left it to the experts!!! Grasshole!

Mickey- (On the phone) Just tell your readers that loosing Chad is puppy capping all of our hearts. (he he he) That boy’s all we think about, and you can quote Mickey P. on that. That’s uh M-i-c-k-e-y-- -P. You know just P. Ohhhman ooohh...

Doug- (walking in- singing fans- will you just phone me) Guys are album is number 15 on the charts!

Jerry- (on phone) Bye. We are so hot they’re all releasing all our songs from our back catalog, a ton of new remixes and a new album made up of just stage patterns and throat clearings.

Mickey- That’s some of my best work, he!

Doug- How you holding up?

Chad- I just want to find my dream girl.

Doug- I know what will cheer you up.

Chad- (talking to Doug who has his dream girl collage on his face) Doug it’s not working.

Doug- What else do you want me to do?

Chad- Its not your fault, it’s your hands, they’re just too big.

Doug- All those girls crying their eyes out chicks in mourning are hot.

Jerry- Lemme see, Ah I can’t believe it, its Chad’s dream girl!

Doug- What? Wait lemme see where? Omg it is her!

Chad- Did you say my dream girl’s out there?

Doug- Ah dream girl no no, we were just talking about the uh...

Jerry- Matrix, and if you take the right pill then you wake up from the dream.

Doug- Right and it was a girl that didn't take the pill or any pill.

Chad- That doesn't make any sense.

Jerry- And for good reason... Doug?

Doug- We suck at this, your dream girls out there.

Jerry- Nice save.

Chad- She is!!!

Doug- She's out there and your in here and that’s the way its gonna be.

Chad- Dream girl!!! (storms to his room)

Chad- (Falls out the window) AHHH.

Liz- (fans- ‘cuz girl your always...) How’s my favorite boy band?

Doug- Listen, we’re really worried about Chad, he’s really down.

Jerry- And, we wanna end this whole death thing starting tomorrow night at the record store gig.

Liz- Hey I mean you guys have had two breakthroughs in your career: hair gel and Chad’s death. You owe it to yourselves to keep this miracle going no matter what it takes.

Jerry- What are you suggesting that we kill Chad?

Liz- Uh hey I cant tell you to do that, I mean that’s a decision you’d have to make. Your adults.

Girl- OOOHH, Who are you?

Chad- It’s me Chad!

Girl- Chad, Omg! How could you be here?

Chad- I’m sorry I didn't mean to scare you, I just had to find you I saw you on TV. What’s your name?

Girl- Melissa.

Chad- I just knew it would be Melissa... or Melanie, or Melody, or Andrea...You know I made a collage of my dream girl and she looks exactly like you.

Girl- She does?

Chad- Well, except for you hands... would you mind getting a hand transplant?

Girl- I actually I, I kinda like my hands.

Chad- Really? Well, the important thing is that we’ve found each other.

Girl- Yea

Chad- And we can be 2gether...

Girl- Forever.

Doug- Liz I want you to leave... anyone that would suggest killing my brother shouldn't be in this house.

Liz- I was just brainstorming, oohh hey lets put him in a coma like Sting.

Jerry- Stings in a comma?

Liz- Have you heard his latest album?

Chad- This is so cool, you even have stuffed animals in here.

Girl- How did you do that, ghosts can’t move things.

Chad- I’m alive see, touch me, touch me. This means we can be 2gether for real!

Girl- (upset) Yea. Great.

Chad- ~confused~

Girl- Chad, uh I’m sorry but I loved you more when you were dead.

Chad- ~sad~ What are you saying?

Girl- When you were dead... you were, larger then life, you were ghoulish you were morbid you were exciting you were... romantic... now your just.... you...

Chad- Well isn’t that enough?

Girl- ~Shakes head no.~ Please don’t hate me.

Chad- I can hate your hands but I can never hate you.

Girl- Goodbye Chad.

Chad- Please don’t tell anybody I’m alive.

Girl- Don’t worry, you being dead works better for me.

Chad~walks out~ Fat hands!

Mickey- Chad’s in the band and that’s all there is to it!!!

Liz- Okay if that’s what you want that’s fine with me, I mean the only thing care about is the happiness of this band. (Mickey opens the door for her to leave, Liz yells at the singing fans:) shut up!!!!

Chad- Hey guys!

Doug- Chad, good news we stood up to the label.

Jerry- And your gonna sing with us tomorrow at the Virgin Megastore.

Chad- Oh thanks guys, but I’ve decided never to perform again.

Jerry- Say what?

Doug and Mickey- What?

Chad- Every bodies born to be something, and I was born to be dead.

Jerry- Come on Chad quit playing games, you gotta come with us.

Doug- Vamanos Muchachos!

Chad- No, I know what I’m doing, I’m staying.

Mickey- Don’t be moping man, don’t take down the world because you lost your dream squeeze.

Doug- Yea, At least Melissa liked you when you were dead, that’s more than I can say for some guys.

Chad- I’m not down, its just I owe it to my fans to be dead, its the only thing that makes them happy.

Doug- Okay fine, You don’t care about us anymore, well I guess there’s nothing more to say. But I’ll say this, you made a collage for that girl but if you want to know the truth we’re your real collage. We’re you nose and your ears and your lips and your mouth! Well lips and mouth might be consider just one I’m not sure but uh, but 2gether we’re beautiful... but if you wanna throw all that away, you don’t want to be with us anymore well I guess there is no more us.... And that would of been more dramatic if our mariachi hat didn't having dingle balls.

Jerry- Chad?

QT-I hate when he’s stubborn like that! That Mother Ducking Ducker!!!

Chad- It needs a nose, It needs my nose! We’re beautiful! Guys wait up your nose is coming!!!!

Chad- I’m Alive, I’m alive, I’m the nose the nose is alive!

Fans- ~Screaming~

Doug- Well I guess he’s not gonna come.

Chad- (running) I’m the Nose I’m the nose!

Mickey- Hey... my ma ma ma ma ooohhhh (Chad: I’m the nose, I’m the nose, I’m alive) Girl, I think you really know me, but your afraid to trust me stop doubting my intentions, Why? Why don’t you believe me, there must be something that you don’t wanna mention...

Chad- (outside the Virgin Megastore, very tired and out of breath) I’m the nose, I’m the...

QT- I ain’t goin’ no where, not if you wont be there, I ain’t goin’ no where without you!

Mickey- You.. Your my inspiration... ~Music stops, guard carries Chad in~

Girls- Omg omg, what happened, omg its Chad, its Chad.

Girl #1- OMG Its Chad!

Girl #2- But he’s been dead for weeks!

Girl #1- I’d still do him!

Fans- ~Scream~

All- When the sun don’t shine, and the moon wont glow, when the rain don’t fall when the wind don’t blow, when the Earth wont spin, and is standing still that’s when I’ll be gone. When the rivers dry and the oceans part.

Chad- Oceans Part!

All- When there's not one beat in a single heart...

Chad- Single heart...

Mickey- That’s when I will stop...

All- Stop!

Mickey- Stop lovin’ you!

All- That’s when I’ll be gone!!

QT- I ain’t goin’ no where, not if you wont be there, I ain’t goin’ no where without you!

Jerry- When the stars disappear, that’s when I wont be near, that’s when I wont be near, I knew the day I saw yah, I’d always be there for yah, make no mistake baby love is heeeerrreeee....

Doug- (Spanish). Querida, yo quiero seis tacos, tres con pollo, y tres con carne, y mi amor yo quiero tambien, un apetido tengo muy grande ay mi amor gracias.

Mickey- YYeeeaaa yyeeeaaa yyeeeaaaa!!!

All- When the sun don’t shine, and the moon wont glow (Chad: moon wont glow), when the rain don’t fall when the wind don’t blow (Chad: wind don’t blow.),

Mickey- That’s when I will stop...

All- Stop!

Mickey- Stop lovin’ you!

All- That’s when I’ll be gone!!