Jerry- (directing to the music of 24/7) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... Rolling back bring your arms high! Wahoo! Lets do the show now! Where’s Kenny Craten?

Mickey- Ah yea Mr. Kenny Craten I’m gonna tear it up huh Liz?

Liz- Honesty time, one of you gave less than your contraction manned 110% in fact one of you...

Doug- Why don’t you just say it... Doug you sucked!

Doug- Oh man, I thought it was Chad.

Chad- Doug’s just a misunderstood genius like that guy BB MAC.

Liz- He also needs oodles of work so umm everyone why don’t you just go home while I straighten this out.

Mickey- Hang tough man, 5 as 1 man.

Doug- My spin move outta the bridge was off I know.

Liz- Its not just that one move Doug, its all your moves I mean you shoulders are wrong, your legs are always too close 2gether.

Doug- Well I’ve been trying too...

Liz- Hush! Your torso always sags, your focus is always off, your hats too low, your ears (kisses his ear) need work. And your pants are always much much too tight.

Doug- (Shocked) Oh sweet God!

Doug- Does she like me, does she not like me, is she screwing with me?

Jerry- Doug calm down, tell me exactly what happened between you and Liz.

Doug- I told you she kneeled down, and spread my legs apart.

Jerry- So she was showing you a dance move.

Doug- Yea but then she put her arms around me and pressed up against my back.

Jerry- Just a free feel.

Doug- Well, Then she stuck her hands down my pants.

Jerry- She did what?????

Doug- Well what does it mean, is it some kind of signal?

Jerry- That’s not a signal Doug, that was a woman yanking your Franklin.

Doug- Well nothing happened, I mean she just turned me on and left.

Jerry- Yea nothing happened, except for the Franklin’ yanking.

Doug- Well maybe she was just adjusting my crotch for the dance move, you know it always has been a few degrees off during that number.

Jerry- She didn’t adjust my crotch.

Doug- Shhesh so u think she likes me?

Jerry- She at least likes your crotch.

Doug- Well, maybe old Doug should finish would Old Lizzy started.

Jerry- Your turn.

Doug- Nah Man, I’m maxed out.

Kenny- SO listen Alasondra, Hamlet wow ambitious.

Girl- Yea

Kenny- You know when you commit suicide as Aphelia do you think you could work in a little bit of that Sharon Stone leg crossing thing, could you try it now, and maybe we’ll lift her up a little bit. What do you think folks huh?

Doug- HHAAA HA HA Where does that Kenny come up with these put downs man, he’s brilliant!

QT- I can’t wait to see how he mocks my liver disease.

Liz- (walking in) Knock Knock.

QT- Whoa, Nice breasts.

Doug- QT!

QT- Sorry when I said breasts, I meant your eyes, their huge!

Doug- Liz, uh its almost one in the morning.

Liz- Oh, sorry to disturb I just forgot something.

QT- Oh, like the rest of your dress?

Liz- Ah ah ah isn’t it past your bedtime?

QT- Am I supposed to go to my room?

Liz- Please

QT- I know what this is about the hair, the dress, sending me to my room (winks at Doug) I’ll be waiting for yah red!

Liz- He-He you do that. Oh so Doug, are you excited.

Doug- Part way.

Liz- About the show tomorrow night.

Doug- Oohhh Liz, that is good... your so funny... but seriously why don’t we uh finish what we started earlier.

Liz- Ah Ha ha Ha, what on earth are you talking about.

Doug- Um, You know that thing with the hands and stuff.

Liz- Oh well if I’m not mistaken I believe that was a dance rehearsal.

Doug- Oohhhh What did I do, I knew it I knew it I’m gonna kill Jerry!

Liz- Honestly I really don’t have....

Doug- Don’t mind me, I’m so ashamed and dirty.

Liz- You are dirty!!! Aren’t you?

Doug- I swear it’ll never happen again Mrs. Porter.

Liz- AHHH ha ha, go get us a room tiger!

Doug- huh?

Liz- Oh I do want to finish the dance rehearsal Doug, but I like to lead.

Doug- Right right, no problem.... Oh by dance rehearsal you mean sex right?

Liz- Lots.

Doug- Awesome! Oh, with me right?

Liz- yea.

Doug- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Liz me sex now.

Jerry- What are you talking about?

Doug- Need bed, explain later.

Jerry- Wait hold it hold it I can’t just can’t trade beds this is a customized sleeping environment.

Doug- Get out, Get out, now.

Jerry- Wait, what about my wave machine and my organomically chronic pillows.

Doug- Jerry listen to me, all my life I’ve been the one that didn’t get picked, passed over on the playground, alone at the dances, and finally here’s a women, an attractive women, who picked me!

Jerry- I hope Chad doesn’t mind.

Doug- Uh, Just don’t tell him I’m having an affair. It’ll remind him of mom and dad.

Chad- Doug? Whoa!! Those pajamas make you look exactly like Jerry.

Jerry- It is Jerry. Doug uh thinks he’s coming down with something, I gave him my bed so you wouldn’t catch it.

Chad- Is it rabies?

Jerry- He has a sore throat, some aches.

Chad- That’s rabies alright.

Jerry- Its not rabies.

Chad- That’s what my dad said about Trooper and then she started foaming at the mouth. So my dad said we had to end her nightmare, and he shot her in the back of the head but he missed and he hit my oldest brother Rich, and then Rich’s arm was bleeding everywhere. And he was swing around like oooohh!!! The blood was squirting everywhere it was like all over my eyes, my mouth...

Doug- Sorry, I had to straighten up here a little, Make everything look nice. Are you comfortable? Do you maybe wanna talk 1st?

Liz- HA HA You can talk if you want.

Doug- Well I was just thinking that you know maybe you and I should maybe promise each other right here that tonight will be the best night of our lives, and that no matter what happens... (shocked) so well that’s what you look like naked.

Chad- Doug getting rabies was no surprise, you know once he got kettle cough.

Jerry- Chad?

Chad- Yea Jer

Jerry- I don’t mean to be rude but I’m not used to noise when I’m trying to sleep, except for my wave machine.

Chad- I understand.

Jerry- Thanks.

Chad- Shhhh wwaoooohhh sshh

Jerry- What are you doing?

Chad- I’m the Atlantic ocean, or I can be a garbage truck backing up. Ber Ber Ber Ber Ber Ber.

Doug- What a minute, wait a minute don’t you think we should be prepared?

Liz- Oh I’m totally prepared I had a Cores Light on the way over.

Doug- Wait a minute, wait a minute hold it hold it... (goes to look for something) Oh please God help me out here (finds what he’s looking for) ... Oh owe you one.

Liz- Do you think that’s going to be enough?

Chad- (yelling and making weird noises)

Jerry- Chad cut it out!!!(silence and you here Liz and Doug in the backround)

Jerry- No more noises, I mean it!

Chad- I’m not making any noises. Jerry, I think there's a big animal in the house.

Jerry- Yea, I just hope he knows what he’s doing

QT- (coming out of his room in response to the noise) Liz? I’m ready Liz.

Mickey- Coffee.

Jerry- Help yourself. (Mickey eats the coffee grounds) I should probably try that too, this is my 3rd pot and I don’t feel anything. Even though I had 2 pots already, which I guess is obvious I had to have 2, for it to be my 3rd, I mean Its not only obvious, its repetitive and redundant. Lets rewire the house.

Mickey- I think it kicked in.

Jerry- Yea

Doug- Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep.

Chad- Feeling better Doug?

Doug- Well, you know your back tends to ache when you’ve been, well I really shouldn’t talk about it.

Jerry- Good idea.

Doug- Any of you guys have fun last night, you know like watch TV, nail any chicks anything like that?

Mickey- Mostly what I did was not get any damn sleep, maybe some raccoons got caught in the wall or something, weird.

Chad- Jerry said it was two giraffes.

Doug- You know Its funny you should bring up giraffes because when I was having sex with Liz last night, I had a feeling that, oh damn did I let that slip.

Mickey- Whoa how was it was it good?

Doug- Well what can I say me and Liz (bangs his fist against his palm).

Chad- You hit her!!! That is not cool man.

QT- I outta hit him.

Doug- What do you mean?

QT- Liz was gonna get next to me.

Chad- You were gonna hit Liz?

Jerry- Chad, Let me clear this up for you, Doug here had sex with our boss last night.

Chad- Is that good or bad?

Doug- Oh that’s good Chad.

Jerry- I’m sure it was good last night but uh now I’m thinking your gonna have to call it off.

Doug- Jerry, You can have your room back okay? Me and Liz will just use the

Mickey- No man, Yo Jerry’s right Dawg Liz is like our boss.

Jerry- Yea If things get messy for you two things it gets messy for all of us. If you sleep with her, we all sleep with her.

Mickey- Yea! huh?

Chad- I’m not prepared to do that.

QT- Okay I’ll do it, but only if Mickey washes his hands first.

Mickey- What?

Doug- Alright Everybody just keep their pants on, alright I know you might think this is dangerous but there's nobody’s feelings involved.

Jerry- Doug, Swear to us that this thing is not gonna effect our band.

Doug- I swear, it’s just a man enjoying his high sperm count years.

Abcd- Yo, D Linus of 2gether!

Doug- Abcd Of in Tune man, hi, how’s the band?

ABCD- You’re not going to believe this man, look you know we’re seriously keeping it real.

Doug- Yea right, yea, so you do anything cool last night like nail any chicks or anything like that?

ABCD- Nah, I have a girlfriend back home, you got anything special?

Doug- I’m in love, yea I really think this is the one this time, my kids are gonna love her too, we’re gonna be a family again.

ABCD- Yea you know I’m happy with my lady too its just too bad I gotta do this thing with Liz once a week.

Doug- What thing?

ABCD- You know Sexual intercourse, yea at 1st my girlfriend didn’t like it, then I told her, hey if its good enough for all the other guys...

Doug- Other guys?

ABCD- Yea Benny from Ratatone, Tongue from Kit Kats 2000...

Doug- Oh right...

ABCD- Yea well then there's Roy from Buddy Boys, Buddy the founder of Buddy boys, Jose from Uh..

Doug- Alright, alright I get the point!

Liz- Hey guys, Wanna come on in...

ABCD-You washed your hands right?

Doug- I can’t believe this, We shared something Liz, we shared the best 2 hours and 15 minutes of my whole life. I can’t do this; I just can’t do this.

Liz- Doug! Are you walking away from me?

Doug- I’m sorry!

ABCD- Damn I was looking forward to a little of that.

Jerry- Come on we have to be prepared for every insult.

Chad- Okay you be Kenny Craten, I’ll be Chad.

Jerry- Okay, So Chad, Doug! You Okay?

Doug- I did it guys, I broke it off with porter (Mickey's screams in the back) Yea she wanted some big serious relationship, And I was like see yah around lady, no big whoop.

Mickey- (on phone) NO NO NO NO NO!!! Damn!

Jerry- What’s wrong?

Chad- Did they shoot biggie again?

Mickey- No man, I just got off the phone with that damn Porter chick, they cancelled our Kenny Craten show tonight man, the whole show’s dead!

Guys- Yelling at Doug.

Jerry- So wait a minute, Just forget it forget it, so we get cancelled for the biggest late night talk show in America because you dumped Porter!!!!

Doug- Guys, the truth is I didn’t dump her, she didn’t want a relationship all she really wanted was sex.

Mickey- Weeelll, I’m gonna have to go over there and handle her.

Chad- No she wants Doug.

Doug- Its true she does want me, just like she wants every other guy.

Mickey- Huh?

Doug- Not you!

Jerry- Then you know what maybe you should just forget it.

Chad- Yea its not worth it if your gonna get hurt.

Doug- No, No No I have to do this, It’ll be painful but I’ve gotta give it to her, Yea I’ll hate it, I’ll hate every hour I spend in-twined in her arms, I’ll hate it again and again and again, I’ll despise every orgasm that ripples throughout my body. And when We’re done I’ll look in the mirror and vomit all over my disgusting self... AND I’LL DO IT FOR 2GETHER!!!!

Guys- Yea!!!!

Liz- Yes? Well, if it isn’t Mr. Dougland Linus.

Doug- I want you to call the Kenny Craten Show and get us back on!

Liz- And what’s in it for me?

Doug- I am, only not just for mindshattering sex, I wanna spend time with you, sing songs to you, maybe even marry you. And then we’ll adopt my kids and re-name them Liz and Elizabeth after you. But 1st I want you to drop ABCD and the other guys.

Liz- OOOHHH!! Sorry Doug! I just love humping far too much to do that.

Jerry- Where’s Doug? Are we going on or not?

Chad- I don’t know... I’m getting really nervous, I’m speed dialing him.

Jerry- Hello?

Chad- Doug its Chad, Are we on the show or what.

Jerry- Chad Its Jerry.

Chad- Jerry put Doug on.

Jerry- No you speed dialed the wrong number.

Chad- Jerry I have no time for your games just put Doug on.

Jerry- Sorry hold on...

Mickey- ARE WE ON THE DAMN SHOW OR DO I HAVE TO WHOOP DOUG’S ASS!

Chad- Just chill I’m straightening it out.

Doug- Dammit just give us the gig!!

Liz- Not unless you give me what I want.

Doug- I don’t get it, why do you want me so bad?

Liz- You’re the best.

Doug- I am?

Liz- Yea, and when I’m with other guys, I think of you.

Doug- Who do you think of when you’re with me?

Liz- You, and that’s never happened to me before, I mean your the kind of guy

Doug- So we won’t have a relationship?

Liz- Take it or leave it....

Kenny- Excellent. So where’s Doug?

Jerry- Uh Doug is coming.

Chad- OOHHHH, OOHHH OOHH.

All- You said jump I asked how high, you made the rules that we loved by, and now I find... I’ve made a Frankenstein.

Kenny- Hey How yah doing (to Doug) ginger spice.

All- I spoil you rotten, night and day. I always let you get your way, I did the crime

Mickey- Oh I did the crime

All- Now I’m doing time.

Mickey- I’m doing...

All- BBBAABByyy

QT- For showing you I care, I’m tearing out my hair.

All- BBBAABBBYY

QT-You never do your share, you know it isn’t fair...

All- I gave my 24/7 to you.

Chad- whoaaa

All- Doing everything you wanted to... I bought you Prada and Old Navy too.

Chad- OOHH..

All- You’d never wear em, now I’m feeling blue, girl you know that it’s true I gave my 24/7 to you. 24/7 to you....

Chad- 24/7 to you...

All- Doing everything you wanted to...

Chad- What’cha wanna do...

All-I bought you Britney and Limp Bizkit too, you sold them back all the money that I blew girl you know that its true I gave my 24/7 to you.

Chad- Whoooaa!!!!