SUFFERING

The stomach has a funny feeling, you find it hard to describe, almost empty and tightening. You suck in some air hoping it will let it relax and settle, but it doesn't. The pain is inside of you now. The fear that comes from the pain is also there, and then they produce the anger. The red hot burning desire to inflick pain in return. To hurt the way you have been hurt.
Soon the mind gets involved in the playing out of emotions. It conjures up images of what has brought about the feelings that started in the belly. You try to avoid the thoughts because they just twist and turn and make things turn ugly and black. The more the pain grows the more the thoughts grow.
The mind does not rest but continues in it's vain to create emotion, black, dark, hurting emotion. Love quickly turns to hate and you try to stop the thoughts and the emotions but nothing will work. You stop and try to catch your breath and slow down the anger before it spills out and devours you.
You are no longer yourself, all you see is red. All you see is the pain and all you feel is the need to strike back. Even the most calm and intelligent of person can and often do snap at these moments.
They can't believe that they can feel this emotion but it is there inside of us all. Waiting to be born and then once alive it wants to strike out and inflick. If you are pushed far enough, and if the pain is so engrossing that you can't control it, then you will lose over to it and hurt anyone. Especially the one that you love the most or the one that hurt you the worst and usually this is one and the same.
Because once you love with all your heart, that person is the only one that can really inflick that kind of all consuming pain, hurt and suffering. If you try to relax against it, to reason it out and stop your actions, it may work at first, but then the doubts that started the hurt in the first place will always be there just below the surface waiting to bring it all back to life.
The mind will not lay low during this time. It will always be ready to expect the worse and not care about reason. The one that did the injustice will always be untrustworthy in your eyes after that and you get to the point that you can almost see them doing anything so that you get that emotion back, the hurt and pain. It may not be reasonable to a rational person but who said hurt, pain, and suffering has a reason, it just is. If inflicked bad enough it can destroy lives and it can destroy relationships. It will and does eat away at all rational thought. You become a slave to the feelings, you find yourself doing things you never realized you had the capacity to do.
In your need and rush to inflick you strike out and hurt in the most selfish of ways. You turn your sarcasm to biting words of distrust. You say things that you do not mean or really feel in a calm moment but the need to see the pain in another's eyes is great.
In time you will bring yourself to stand in front of the person that has hurt you knowing that when you do you want to see them hurt and feel the pain in you. You have a great need to crush their spirit to make them as unattractive as possible, to show them how and what you feel. To have them see the black and uncoloured world they have created for you.
You wish for them to feel the bottom fall out of their stomach, the choking feeling as they try to breathe, the dry mouth, the inability to think clearly, the want to beat and rant and rave at the injustice of it all. You will get great enjoyment from this for about 1 second then you see them die a little in front of you and that will right your world but by then the worst has happened and you have lost anyway.
You will never again have what you had before. Because the pain and suffering is something that is always remembered the most. At every action of another it will surface it’s ugly head again, and you have to put it back down and take control, but with this comes the lacking of trust.
What you have to do is decide if you can win over it and get back to a calm happy place from before. It is hard to know if you can or will want to. I hope with all my heart that you do, that you accept the pain, learn from it and let it go. But that would require forgiveness and that may not be possible.
Well for me I hope it is, because the pictures in my mind are eating away at me and taking away rational thought. There are times they are very consuming, taking away every pleasant thought I have ever had. And I do not want to lost them. At this point in time I am not sure I want to forget the pain, it can be used as a guide to not allow yourself into that place again. To lock up your emotions and not feel at all. I hope I am wrong in this but having been through it twice now I am not sure I can. I am about to lose the woman I love and it is breaking my heart. She is all that I could have ever wanted but I was not enough for her. Maybe some day she will find her one and only and the thing is she may not be the one for her. Then will she feel the pain and anger and reflect back on the way with me. I am at two minds on this, I want her to feel the hell I have just gone through and I want her to be happy and not have it happen to her. But I guess we all will feel the same. I hope at times she will be very happy, and once in a while I wish her to feel what I have felt. The pain and suffering and hurt that causes us to lose control and hurt.

BY: Lee C.

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SassyGirl

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