FUNNIES


Number1

Bumper stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down,On A Jeep] Timed For 70mph. No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
With Bullets. -- George Carson Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Number 2

ALL THE THINGS THAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME....
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until we get home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE.. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you ...Then you'll see what it's like."

Number 3

What a Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

Number 4

The juggler
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Number5

*******The Top Ten Men!!********

{4 a woman}
1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice



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