| Random Stupidity What happens when my friends and I try to carry on conversations “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you-ou! Happy birthday to you! Right about now I was throwing up.” - Thanks, Mom, for that happy little thought. “The horn is on the steering wheel and it makes the noise…” - Some doof in my Drivers Ed. Class “These are totally Steven Tyler pajamas!” – Brian enjoys his costume. “I need to go fix my makeup.” “But hon, if you fix it NOW, it’ll just smudge!” - Mark and Adam. Yes, it was Mark who was wearing makeup…(Okay, so it was stage makeup…but still) “…I look like a whore…” - Mark whines. Brandon: I got spaded. Adam: You got WHAT? Brandon: Spaded. Lisa: I’m from Cleveland. - This conversation took place at like, 9:01 in the morning…which was WAAAAYYY too early for us… Adam: I feel fletchlinged. Ameritus: FLETCHLINGED?! Adam: It was the only word I could think of that started with F and had multiple syllables. - Time of conversation: 9:04 a.m. “BUNT CAKE!!!!!” - Time of shouting: 9:06 a.m. “And everyone remember – Pop goes the weasel, because the Weasel goes pop.” - Moments of inspirational Zen with Josh. “Maybe a semi came barelling down the road, brakes unhinged –“ “Breaks unhinged?” - Adam tries to tell a story. “I like it when Golde says fuck.” - Mark muses on speech patterns. “Laura, would you excuse me while I grab my stickshift?” - Mark again. “He’s just tall enough for his feet to touch the ground.” - Adam explains why Golde keeps telling Mark ‘You’re not a very large man…’ Mark: I hope nobody was offended. Laura: No. Mark: Damn. Gotta try harder. Maybe if I curse more. - Good to know he has a goal. “Everything she said had fuck in it.” - Mark revisits Golde’s speech. Mark: Are you Miss Cleo? Laura: No. Mark: Are you sure? - Sometimes it can be hard to tell, I suppose… “She explained it to me as such. She said ‘Imagine your worst gas pain multiplied by ten. OR…Try and stretch your bottom lip over your forehead.’ I couldn’t get it past my nose.” - Mark tells us how his Mom described labour to him. “What’s a good, seductive song to sing while caressing my legs?” - Adam asks our opinion. Michelle: If you could take just one thing when you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be? Mark: A 2-litre of Pepsi Laura: My boyfriend. Kasey: Wait a minute – Mark, why not bring Jasmine? Mark: Jasmine, a 2-lire of Pepsi…at least the Pepsi would keep me a life a few days… Sarah: Unless…you could eat her… - Mark resorts to cannibalism ::singing:: Spiderman, Spiderman! He’s a spider, and a man! He’s a man that’s a spider! That’s why he’s called Spiderman! Look out! Here comes Spiderman! - Michelle thinks those are the actual words to the Spiderman theme song… “What’s up, Jerky?” - Brian calls to me. Laura: If you’re drinking from a straw, how do you do it to arouse a guy? Mark: Look at ‘im. Or actually…just exist. - Oh, the conversations that transpire during dinner at drama when we have nothing better to do… “I pride myself on my hand gestures.” - Brian. This is the NOT gay guy in drama! Kasey: What was THAT? Mark: My booty. Kasey: Why? Brian: The shimy-shake. Mark: See? All CULTURED people know. - And this is what I VOLUNTARILY put up with for four hours at a time… “Why are you staring at me like a goldfish?” - Golde, to Carrie…the modifier is dangling. Does she mean CARRIE was STARING like a goldfish, or that Carrie was staring AT HER like SHE was a goldfish??? “Your face is SO for radio, Mark!” - Laura in an uncharacteristically mean moment. “I want a hot tub full of Jello. It’d be like NaPalm.” - Mark discusses what he wants in his dream home. Michelle: Good morning, Charlie! To the Batmobile! Mark: Are you on crack? - This came just two minutes after the other remark, the one about Jello…Michelle really doesn’t know her Super Heroes Laura: What are you DOING? Mark: Imagining I’m walking down a modeling runway. - …and I was wondering why all the gay drama guys hit on Mark??? “Maybe just cruel and unhamsterish punishment” - I get the feeling I’m GLAD I missed the beginning of this conversation…Adam said this, BTW. Something about gerbils and hamsters and how hamsters were for little kids… “Where’s all my soul sister, soul sister, gotta get that flow, sister…Hey sister soul sister flow sister soul sister…Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” - Adam. This is wrong on so many levels! “’Cause most of the time when a guy pulls out his gun, he’s gonna use it. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!” - Mr. Abdul-Matin, our substitute driving instructor, tells us why we shouldn’t tailgate. “There is this place, this little happy place called ‘Squirly Heaven’ where they go when the do something freakin’ retarded!” - Mr. Abdul-Matin discusses compassion for animals. “And around this time…oh, fuck.” - It’s always interesting when people forget their lines during drama. “Some people do fuck. Some do not. All a matter of choice.” - Golde informs us of the ways of the world while giving acting notes. “So the snowball we’ll play with and fucking is good.” - Golde continues to give notes. “Okay, Kasey, no more excitement about having sound ‘cause you’re starting to scare me.” - Golde informs us that there are limits to excitement about sound. “Was it the gay pride song or the singing belly button that made you decide it wouldn’t be better to have two tongues?” - Okay, y’know what? You don’t even wanna know…’cept that it was the gay yet sweet guy at drama (Adam) talking to Mark (who is straight) “This is how my left brain works, left brain works, left brain works. This is how my left brain works, without it I’d be lost.” - Adam makes up a little song (To the tune of “Mary had a Little Lamb”) as he writes the drama schedule in his day planner. “Enter the Belly Buttons! - Adam again. “I create unition” “You create WHAT?!” “Unition.” “Meaning…” “A force that holds things together –“ “You mean ‘unity’?” “That’s what I said!” - Sarah and I have a typical conversation. “Okay. Two eyes are good. Two ears are good. Two arms, two legs are good.-“ “Two nuts are good.” “-Two boobs are good.” “Yeah, unless you have two nuts and two boobs, ‘cause that’s not good.” -Carrie and Adam discuss what parts it’s okay to have two of – tongues and noses didn’t end up on that list. “Okay, when a man and a woman are very much in love, Carrie –“ ::Singing:: “When a man loves a woman-!” ::hits Mark accidentally in the groin with her purse:: “you’re a woman, Mark.” “Now I am, yeah!” -Mark and Carrie discuss sex. “Here at Kate…” - Chris can’t say “Kent State” “I think Kate is a very nice play to go to school.” - Golde tries to joke about Chris’s inability to talk. “What do you think would happen if you downed the whole box?” “Convulsions – EEEEEEEEETwitchTwitch!” - Carrie and Laurel discuss high-powered mints. “Kasey, you hit high C on that ‘nice!’ right there…” - Golde acts like that’s a bad thing…nevermind that it’s not a musical. “No, no, you can’t use ‘bonnito’ for men!” - The fruity Spanish teacher. “If he’d had Fidel Castro, he would’ve been a much happier man.” - I speculate while doing my French homework. “I would’ve selected JPEG, but it only gave me three options…or four-…or maybe six…They gave me some number of options and the number was more than one.” - My mother shows her computer literacy. “I want to vosotros!” - Sarah becomes frustrated with the Spanish pronoun “Usted” “THIS – El – means “the” in Spanish. THIS – Le – does NOT mean “the” in Spanish.” - Poor Sarah. Spanish is just enough different from French to be strange… “Qui portait le lamé d’orrée, comme le frère de Kasey!” - Le chanson de Jake…He wears Gold Lame, okay? “”Kasey, are you STONED?” - THIS from the guy who barks like a dog and bites me – literally! “The first three presidents were Jefferson, Jefferson, and Jefferson.” - Sarah’s altered day-dream induced version of history. “Okay…I’m hallucinating. Everyone I see is dressed like a priest…” - Sarah becomes paranoid. “Priest! Priest! Priest!” - I’m not even gonna offer an explanation…read above. “You teach a child to read and him or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” - Yep, dat be our president, yep yep! “And people say I’m evil for raping Sam! – Wait, that came out wrong…” - Amanda discusses fanfiction. “’The President works in the White House’…let’s see…uh…” “El presidente trabaja en la casa blanca.” “Wait – you mean ‘el presidente’ actually MEANS ‘the president?’ I thought we just called Dan that for fun!” - Kim proves she knows Spanish. "They can't suspend you for being stupid!" -Said by an LD student to the valedictorian "What were you girls thinking? Toilets aren't made to hold 400 pounds of weight!" "Then where do 500-pound people go to the bathroom?" -My cousin's friend to her father after they had broken the toilet by having three of them stand on top of it to hide from a teacher during a fire drill. The response to my cousin was the previous remark to this one. "Okay! I take it back! Stop trying to impress the boys!" -My father, after telling Kim that the way to impress guys was to throw a football...and then seeing her throw. "I'm very into current music. I like Sniff Doggy Doo and Cool Mio and LL Hot James..." -My fifth grade music teacher. "I just wanna be sure there's no one in there and going to the bathroom..." -Kim as she knocks on the refrigerator door in the RV. "Where'd you get this, Kim?" "From the homeless shelter." -Kim knows how to give my mother presents. "Mr. Dunton, you kick." "Kick what, Adrianne?" "Um...stuff." -Adrianne tries not to swear. "You're all in the top 10th of your class. And you can't figure out better than to put the ice in a COOLER, rather than set it on the table and stare at it?!" -My uncle teaches his daughter and three of her friends about camping. "Nathaniel? What's that short for?" -Some random person at Forensics. "I mean, if Al Gore and the rest of the Republican Party..." -Another random Forensics person. "But if Sam and Mallory are married and so are Dana and Joe and Dana and Sam are bro and sis and so are Joe and Mallory...then I'm my own grandpa!" -Me. Who knew you shouldn't RPG at 1:30 a.m.? "Who said that one? " -Kerry, as I sent her the quote from me above. Including the line after the quote. "Including Alaska and Hawaii, there are 52 states! Duh!" -A cheerleader from a neighboring school district. "Before Germany was formed, there were many principalities or kingdoms which made it up, the largest being Austria and Hungary." "But which one was Germany?" “There was no Germany yet.” “But if there was no Germany, then where did the German people live?” -Amy, a girl from my history class, shows her superior knowledge which got her into Honours World History. "But if Grant beat Washington in the Battle of the Bulge...how did Abe Lincoln get shot?" -Me, cramming for a history midterm. "The three states of matter are igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary." -Someone in my Honours Earth Science class. "And the three types of rock are solid, liquid, and gas." -Same person as above. "And that began World War I." "But...WHY was World War I bad?" -Amy again, Honours World History, about two days after the other stupid quote. "She's had too many martinis to get on a tricycle." -Meagan describes a drunk. "So there are the lowermost who live just under bridges, then the middle class, who live in cardboard, then the upper middle class, who live in like tupperware, then the upper class who live in U-Hauls." -Meagan's take on the Boxpeople Inner Culture "And then the nuclear waste made the ants turn neon green..." -Meagan on nuclear warfare and its affects. "You might recognize me – I’m Jimmy Hoffa" -Nat reveals his secret identity. "If everyone calls you by a different name, does that mean you have NO name or you have MANY names?" -Edd gets philosophical. “What? Doing where?” -Dan practices his line from the play: “Where? Doing what?” “But Mark is mine!” -Sarah and I had a constant argument about the play. “Why would that be bad?” “Because then you’d be married to your sister.” -Bill watches Sarah and I make a family tree of the characters of the play. “I’m sorry you have post-gay Mark…” -I apologize to Kim for the family tree of the play. “The allumeurs sont…” -Le Petit Cartier forgets not to use franglaise in his French Project. “Et c’etait quand ce happened.” -Le Petit Cartier’s next sentence. “I think I just landed on Jesus!…No…just a sheep.” -Jake falls on a nativity scene. “I’m on the back of Jesus…I’m on Jesus’s buttocks…I think I killed ‘im.” -Jake falls again. “Listen to me, the silent snake slithering through the grass….” -Jake role-plays. “The greatest thing ever made was putting peanut butter and jelly in the same bar!” -Johnny-Fred screwed up his piece at forensics. “LORD, THIS WORLD OF YOURS SUCKS HIPPODICK!!!” -Sebastian recites “A Sermon” by David Mamet. “See, if you hit me and I hit you back, it’s revenge. But if I hit Nat and then you hit me, it’s justice.” -Somewhere in Max’s mind, that made sense! “It’s America’s favourite sport! 9 out of 10 people polled said their favourite sport was kicking Nat in the crotch!” “How many did you poll, exactly?” “Well…there was me, and -…and-…well, just me.” “How were you 9 out of 10 people?” -Max argues with me about his love of kicking Nat. “Have you been taking Sophomore-Speak?” -Max is interested in my class schedule. “Andrew, Kasey’s body is the world – she isn’t shaped like it, but just…pretend. So her waist is the equator…DO NOT TOUCH the Tropic of Cancer or the Tropic of Capricorn.” -Kim gives Andrew a geography lesson. “Andrew, Kim’s body is the world – her waist is the Equator. DO NOT TOUCH the Tropic of Cancer or the Tropic of Capricorn.” - I give Andrew a geography lesson. Turnabout’s fair play! “You can say it, y’know. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before.” “You’ve got a great rack, Mrs. Bartlet.” - Brad Whitford of “The West Wing” has some fun with Stockard Channing. “Can I get you anything to drink before you order your meals?” “Yes, but first could you please get us our checks?” - Kim tries to do what she was told – get the checks as soon as we get our food. “I thought it was a sandwich!” - Dan’s BLT pizza. The menu said “If you like the sandwich, you’ll love this pizza!” And this is our future president of the United States! “Fuck me softly in the ass!” - Kristin has…uh…interesting dreams which cause her talk to in her sleep… “It’s the well-traveled cat!” - See, everyone’s just jealous ‘cause I have a good-luck kitty and they don’t… “Yup, yup, I’m gonna form the red party…teehee…communism…” - Me, after seeing Ralph Nader, thinking about Nat our Comrade. “I’d give anything to be a lesbian.” - Aaron Sorkin. The guy may be a genius, but he’s a bit scary… “What do you have to drink?” “Coke products-“ “Then I’ll take a Pepsi, please.” - I forget who this was, it was at the Mexican Restaurant of the Endless Chips and Political Parties! “Yeah, Dan declared his candidacy for God today…” - Me. He promptly tried to hit me from the other side of the SUV…hey! He DID declare his candidacy for master of the universe! “I’m flinging blacks!” - This really WAS talking about me throwing my dark-coloured clothing into the laundry pile…I’m not racist, it just sounded funny the way I said it…Please don’t hurt me! “’Allo, Weedy? ‘Allo? Pick up de phone!” - “Other Kim” has fun talking on the hotel phone in DC. “Why is there a phone in the bathroom?” “Maybe in case you fall?” “And the first thing I do when I fall and hit my head on the toilet is pick up the phone?” - Kim and I discuss the phone in the bathroom of the hotel. |