Nine Months: Month One
AloneCategory: Story, Angst, Post Episode story
Keyword: MSR
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: BIG ones for "Requiem"
Archive: Anywhere is fine. Please keep headers attached.
Feedback: Sure! makolane@aol.com
Summary: A post-"Requiem" reflection.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Nine Months
Month One: "Alone"
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
The pine needles stung her palms, pricked her knees through the
thin linen of her slacks and one heaving retch later, Dana
Scully suddenly wanted nothing more than a large glass of ice
water and the comfort of her own tiny, prissy pink bathroom.
She drew in a shuddering breath, wondering if that were the last
of it when her stomach again roiled and rejected the modest
lunch of chips and lemonade she'd eaten on the drive over.
Thank God it had been a small bag, she thought wearily as she
sat back on her haunches, hiccoughing violently.
Potato chips and lemonade. A surefire cure for morning
sickness, that's what the book said.
Morons.
Scully rose shakily, knees wobbling, swollen feet already
protesting her unwise choice of shoes. The uneven forest floor
didn't help and she stumbled her way to a dead tree before
sitting down heavily as the sky spun and she retched for what
she prayed was the last time.
The vertigo slowed and then it was head between the knees, deep
breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth and she'd be
damned if she suddenly didn't want something to eat. Scully
groped for the roll of mints she carried in her jacket pocket
and popped one into her mouth, glad for the sugary chill that
quickly washed all the bitterness away.
Almost all of it.
"Damn it to hell, Mulder," she whispered hoarsely. "Damn it."
It was hard to understand, hard to accept even after the passing
of what felt like years. Mulder was gone without a trace,
claimed by these same innocent looking woods, taken to points
unknown. Maybe he'd leapt into that ray of light, his faith and
deadly curiosity getting the better of him, Scully thought
miserably.
Or maybe time bent and enfolded him within its warp and he'll
just come walking out of the surrounding woods any minute now,
not unlike other abductees, asking how long he'd been gone this
time and smiling dazedly as he stumbled back into reality.
Or ... maybe he was taken to a freezing train car, strapped to
one of *their* tables and ...
Another violent heave, but dry this time, and the last bit of
mint flew from Scully's mouth. She watched through watery eyes
as ants quickly covered and devoured the tiny piece of candy,
leaving behind no trace in their hungry wake.
Oh, those bastards were going to pay, Scully swore silently,
angry tears slipping down her cheeks, they will pay and more.
She was going to devour them, devour them with a wrathful hunger
that would defy their cruelest logic. She would tear away
their falsehoods, rip them from their lofty perches and show
them to the world for what they really were: murderers, liars
..... and thieves.
But first, she was going to find Mulder.
He'd been gone for only six weeks and already she'd broken her
way into hidden Pentagon vaults, stormed through dozens of
evidence boxes in search of clues. She'd reduced the vision of
more than one Bureau superior, ignored countless rules, even
shattered laws in her single-minded pursuit of answers.
So far, she'd found nothing. Nothing but lies atop falsehoods,
discovering wicked smiles usually hid nothing but small minds
and Scully began to seriously wonder if they'd wasted their time
attributing to malice what could have just been as easily
explained by sheer stupidity -- a frightening thought that ate
at her as she continued the hunt for her partner, best friend
..... her lover.
It wasn't easy, trying to concentrate on the cold facts while
every moment the memory of his head upon her chest, eyes closed,
listening to her heartbeat and smiling, haunted her. While the
ghosts of his kisses, still new, still wondrous, made their way
down her neck while she slept, causing uproarious dreams that
made her blush to remember them. She'd never known anything
like it, the passion and the peace she knew while in his arms
and she wondered why the hell they had waited so damned long to
succumb to it.
For what was between them could only have been fated from the
start. They'd been lovers for less than three months and yet,
they could have been lovers since the day they met for all the
difference it made between them. It both amused and frightened
Scully, that something could be so right, so inevitable, and
that the physical culmination of their bond really didn't make
that much of a difference.
Except for one infinitesimal, infinitely important, detail.
The fact that she was pregnant. Two lives were now suddenly
three and the terror mixed with gladness in Scully's heart.
Gladness for the blessing of love, for the miracle of life, the
goodness and generosity of God -- and terror she'd never see her
child's father again.
She shut her eyes tightly and fought against another wave of
dizziness.
Damn it, Mulder.
"We don't have any indicators in this sector." Frohike's voice
shook Scully out of her reverie. He peered at the strange
electronic device clutched in his short fingers and fiddled with
another knob as he crunched through a dense bit of forest toward
her. "No unusual electromagnetic activity and radiation levels
appear normal."
Scully sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I guess we can safely
say there's nothing here then."
Frohike bit his lip and shrugged. "You never know. If these
things were laying around in plain sight we'd have a hard time
selling Bullet copies."
She shook her head. "No, there's nothing. I can feel it. He's
not here."
Tremulous voice, and Frohike looked at her with concern. "Um,"
he hesitated. "I hate asking this, Agent Scully, but are
you..."
"I'm fine." Automatic answer, and she almost had to smile at
the sound of it. She was fine, in some ways better than fine,
but in other ways, she was utterly lost. The other half of her
soul was missing and it left her unbalanced, veering off course,
struggling to stay afloat.
But stay afloat she would. Survival had become a necessary
fight, if not for her ... then for the innocent life inside,
whom she now protected with a fierceness she didn't know she was
capable of.
Woe betide those who stood in her way now, she thought with a
bitter grin.
Woe betide them.
"Good, good," answered Frohike quickly, looking relieved as
Langley and Byers trundled toward them, Langley's ridiculous
plaid hunting cap hanging askew atop scraggly bits of blonde
hair.
Scully rose, somewhat painfully, ignoring the numbing pinpricks
between her swollen toes. She leaned up and absentmindedly
straightened Langley's cap, pulling the earflap strings down and
tying them together in a neat bow beneath his chin as his
roommates goggled at her in wonder.
"There," she said, with a tired smile at her own newfound
maternal instinct. "All better now."
Langley flushed scarlet straight to the roots of his fair hair.
"Um ... thanks Agent Scully." He hesitated. "I think."
Frohike and Byers exchanged glances. "Maybe we should get
going," said Byers carefully. "It's getting close to nightfall
and we can't be *sure* there aren't things out here to worry
about."
Scully nodded. "Right," she sighed. She took a long look back
at the place where Mulder was taken and had to swallow hard past
the choking lump in her throat, suddenly blinking back tears.
So far, she thought, as she swayed on uncooperative legs, her
entire being off-kilter. "So far, Mulder," she whispered
blearily, as a warm, supportive hand squeezed her elbow.
It was Langley's. "You're looking pale, you know that."
Concerned, and Scully gave him a watery smile. "Come on,
there's a diner on the south end of this hole. You can probably
get a salad there."
"Salad?" Scully snorted, linking her arm with Langley's,
allowing him to lead her out of the woods. "I don't want a
salad. I want a burger, no, a cheeseburger, a vanilla
milkshake, two orders of fries, a crock of chili, extra sour
cream ..."
Another wide-eyed glance shared by Frohike and Byers and Scully
chuckled as they made their way back to the road, wiping her
eyes with trembling fingers. She resisted the urge to glance
back, from now on there was only forward motion and once they'd
found Mulder, then she could take her rest.
Before the new, miraculous phase of their lives began.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"This gel might feel a little cool."
The technician smiled at Scully who grinned thinly in reply
during the preparations for her sonogram. The examining table
was uncomfortable and she grimaced, feeling bloated enough to
pop and hungry enough to eat a horse.
This was her second test of this nature, the first one she'd had
in the hospital immediately after Mulder's disappearance. The
baby had been little more than a fuzzy dot back then, but now,
at twelve weeks, a clearer picture should emerge.
The static screen came to life and a sudden flare of panic
gripped Scully's heart.
What in the devil's name was she doing?
She wasn't supposed to be here. After her abduction she knew
for a fact that she was absolutely, unequivocally, infertile.
The multiple tests she'd taken over the years were completely
conclusive. She had no ovum left, all production had ceased
long before without a chance of renewal, leaving her without the
slightest hope of conception and she'd long ago accepted the
fact that she was an empty vessel, not meant to be a mother.
Ever.
This was ... wrong, outrageously wrong. Mulder couldn't have
gotten her pregnant, no matter how many times they'd made love.
She was a doctor, human reproduction was no great mystery to her
and how the hell could she possibly think that anything natural
was happening to her body when ...
She gripped the sides of the examination table, her knuckles
whitening. "Do you see it?" she rasped at the technician.
"Yes, I think so, but let me clear up this picture for you."
Blood pounded in her ears as the awful memories flooded back.
Memories of her captors and their cold, inhuman gaze peering at
her over surgical masks, of laughing men with cigarettes hanging
from their dry lips ...
Of little gray creatures with eyes like none found on Earth.
Scully's stomach lurched violently and she fought the impulse to
get up and run. God only knew what sort of monster was
developing inside of her, what alien creation was nesting
within, waiting for its chance to burst out and wreak havoc.
God ... God, how could she have been so blind?
"There," said the technician with a flourish. She pulled her
pen out from behind her ear and tapped it against the screen.
"There's the legs..."
Scully stared at the monitor, her heart thumping dolefully. "Is
it ... is it ..." She bit her lip, unable to complete the
terrible question.
"There's the heart ... " The technician smiled sunnily at her.
"Oh, it looks fine. See? You can see the arm here and look, a
little hand. It's a bit early for the sex, shall we look for
that next time?"
Scully wiped away the sweat that dotted her upper lip. "No."
Hoarsely, and she shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I
mean ... not ... not yet. Maybe when the ..."
"When the baby's father is here?" The technician nodded and
jotted a quick note in Scully's chart. "There's no law that
says you have to find out beforehand, you know. I enjoyed the
surprise myself last time."
Scully drew in a shuddering breath. "I ... I don't want any
surprises."
The technician absently patted her shoulder, before smartly
clipping Scully's chart shut. "We'll check next time then.
Okay ... see you in four weeks?"
"Yes. Four weeks." Scully swung her legs over the side of the
exam table and waited for her heart to slow as the technician
left the room, gently shutting the door behind her.
Four weeks ... followed by four more, over again and again until
thirty-six in all have passed, Scully thought, struggling
against the cold weight of dread that was settling over her.
And she would be waiting all those months, alone, gripping the
sides of that same table, gripping desperately onto her
tottering soul, with so many questions gone by unanswered ...
along with a few she didn't dare ask.
Scully shut her eyes tightly, ignoring the dull pain within her
chest. This is what "alone" truly meant -- she'd never
understood it before and wished she'd never gotten a chance to.
Alone.
Alone was sitting in a crowded room, choked and aching, not
hearing a word anyone said, your mouth hurting from smiling so
senselessly at no one or nothing in particular.
Alone was watching the morning news and wondering why the
anchors weren't crying with you.
Alone was seeing the world go on, listening to laughter, hearing
the endless click of shoes against the pavement, feeling the
press of people all around you while holding back the screams of
outrage that threaten. How dare they go to work, read the
paper, laugh at a joke, walk their dog, change a tire, or shop
at the store. How dare they walk past you without a word of
sympathy or a mourning look.
How dare they live their lives while inside you feel nothing ...
nothing at all.
Scully glanced back at the monitor and with trembling fingers,
reached out and traced the outline that still lingered there.
She wasn't alone ... no, there was someone, something, else
that depended on her. Two lives utterly entwined and she now
ate, breathed ... and lived for them both. It was a life that
defined, adorned and demanded her own.
Just as hers demanded Mulder's to make it complete.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
//She was back in the forest again, watching patterns of
sunlight play through the trees. Shadows of leaves, dancing
over the pine needle floor and her seat was mossy soft. She
could smell the clean scent of trees, the earthy smell of
natural decay ... the acrid odor of fire.
"Our creation, our preservation and all the blessings of this
life."
It was Mulder's voice that suddenly beckoned and a great hope
rose in Scully's heart. She leapt up and spun around, calling
his name, joyfully. Mulder, Mulder, I'm here, she cried
frantically ... *we're* here, waiting for you. Come home, come
home, my love, I have such amazing news. You'll never believe
it, you couldn't imagine it, it's the greatest of all our mysteries.
Come see the miracle we've wrought.
"But it's not worth it, Scully. It's not ... "
Mulder ... no, it's worth it. It's worth everything if you'd
only come back. Together, we have made something, something as
great and wonderful as life itself and together we'll stay, all
of us. Don't leave me here with nothing but the echo of your
voice, with nothing but the memories of your touch.
Don't leave me. Don't leave *us* ... alone.
"Scully, please, don't ... "//
She awoke with a start, her heart pounding. She blinked, then
stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, awash with fear, confusion
and a strange sense of hope. Her hand instinctively went to her
stomach and there was amazement at the motion she felt, wonder
at the minuscule kicks attesting to the life growing within.
Where there was life, there was hope, this much she knew.
//Our creation ... our preservation ... all the blessings of this
life.//
The sun was rising outside of her window and she shut her eyes,
letting the warm tears fall. The baby kicked again and she
couldn't help but smile. The time for mourning was over, a
birthday was approaching and Mulder *would* be found, it was all
together only a matter of time.
A matter of hope.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and went to window,
pulling up the shade to let the sun in. It fell on her, warm
against her face, warm against her belly which was beginning to
show the signs of her condition. She smiled and held her hand
over her navel, where the lifeline between her and the future
began, no longer feeling alone.
For now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
makolane@aol.com
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