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> I Will Never Be the Same
> By: Jenn Nistor
> 
> 
> 
> REVISED VERSION: Disclaimer: This is just a short
> story based on Chris Carter's characters; Fox Mulder,
> Dana Scully, and Walter Skinner. No copyright
> infringement is intended. Also this story is based on
> Melissa Etheridge's song "I Will Never be the Same" I
> used that with out permission and I feel really bad,
> but it's such a great song......I think that song
> really fits the needs of this story.
> 
> Note: This is a Mulder and Scully romance, well
> actually there really isn't very much of that. This is
> mostly a what if? 
> 
> Summery: It's been two years since the mysterious
> disappearance of Mulder and it's also been two years
> since Scully has been able to grasp the fact that
> maybe Mulder is never coming back. But when the night
> comes that she finally finds the truth, she's not sure
> of how to grasp it.
> 
> *******~~~~~********
> I Will Never be the Same 1/2
> By: Jenn Nistor
> Jenn1013X@aol.com or Jenn6092@aol.com 
> *******~~~~~********
> 
> November 15, 1998
> Cook County Hospital
> Chicago Illinois
> 11:21 P.M.
> 
> Dana Scully waited patiently outside the hospital
> entrance for her brother. She couldn't remember the
> last time he had been on time. Half of the time he
> never even showed up, but tonight was supposed to be
> different. They were supposed to pick their mother up
> at the airport.
> 
> She jumped as she heard the sliding hospital doors
> open up from behind her. Turning she smiled to face
> her friend Paige Haberman. "Did my brother call?" she
> asked.
> 
> Paige nodded and handed her a message. "He said that
> he wanted to pick up your mother on his own. Sorry
> Dana."
> 
> Scully shrugged and tucked the note into her pocket.
> "I guess I'll work another shift." she started to walk
> towards the doors when Paige stopped her.
> 
> "Oh, no you don't. You've worked both shifts for the
> last three weeks. When the hell do you sleep." 
> 
> "Listen." Scully turned so that she was eye to eye
> with her friend. "I really don't sleep that much. I
> don't think it's worth it. Besides, every time I sleep
> more than a couple of hours I get really restless and
> it's just not worth it." she smiled. "I'm fine,
> really."
> 
> Paige shook her head. "You and I both know that living
> on only a couple of hours of sleep isn't healthy in
> our profession. When you are tired you get careless
> and carelessness leads to malpractice." she paused.
> "If this is about that guy you keep talking about,
> it's a really stupid reason. You have to get over him,
> he's not worth the sleepless nights."
> 
> "It has nothing to do with Mulder." Scully lied and
> pulled her jacket tighter around her chest. "I just
> don't like sleeping. I have nightmares about the men
> who used to torment me through my work with the FBI. I
> just can't let my self be tormented any longer, it was
> so long ago." 
> 
> Even though it was true that she had nightmares, they
> weren't her real problems. She hated to admit it but
> her friend was right. Mulder was the cause of her
> sleepless nights. Every time she closed her eyes she
> saw Mulder's image sprawled on the concrete; broken
> and bloody. She would then see him in the hospital
> bed, wrapped in bandages and hooked up to monitors. It
> had all scared her so much then......she had known
> that nothing would ever be the same.
> 
> "You aren't lying to me are you?" Paige asked. She
> glanced at her watch. "Actually we can talk about that
> on the way to your office." she pushed her friends
> forward. "We need to get started on our rounds."
> 
> Scully nodded and led the way to her office. "I'm not
> lying." she said once they had reached her door. "But
> sometimes I just can't help thinking that maybe if
> things had been different......" she shuttered
> remembering the day he had disappeared. 
> 
> He had just been in a terrible shooting. The doctors
> at the time had told her that Mulder was going to be
> all right, but then one night he had just disappeared.
> Skinner had told her that he had been sent to another
> hospital and would be back in a couple of weeks. She
> had waited nearly six months and when no word had come
> to neither her nor Skinner the X-Files division was
> closed down and she found that she was to be sent to
> the Memphis Bureau. 
> 
> Not liking the idea of working with out her partner,
> Scully resigned and just weeks later she had landed a
> job at Cook County Hospital in Chicago. The job had
> drastically turned her life around. She hadn't
> realized what she had been missing while working with
> the FBI. She never knew how much she had missed
> working with the people, or with the children. 
> 
> "You never told him how you felt?" Paige asked,
> interrupting her thoughts.
> 
> Scully shook her head, clearing away her sudden
> feeling of uneasiness. "I was too ashamed. I guess I
> figured that he didn't feel the same way and I didn't
> want to ruin our partnership or friendship."
> 
> Paige shook her head and leaned against the door frame
> of Scully's office. "Sometimes I wonder about you. I
> mean your gorgeous and smart, I'm surprised that you
> haven't gone out and gotten a social life." she
> glanced at the picture of Mulder on Scully's desk. 
> 
> He was handsome, she realized. But there was something
> about him that scared here. Had Dana truly loved this
> man. He seemed so lost and untrusting, the total
> opposite of Dana. She just couldn't see the passion,
> but she could see the betrayal. Tearing her eyes away
> from the picture, she turned back to her friend. 
> 
> "You need a life Dana." 
> 
> "How many woman doctors do you know that actually have
> social lives?" she raised her eyes brows. "If I
> recall, you don't have one either. . . . that is,
> unless your not telling me something."
> 
> "I'm just saying that you need to forget about him.
> He's not coming back, Dana."
> 
> Scully sighed. "I know. I just wish I knew what
> happened to him." she laughed. "We have this same
> conversation every night, and each time I tell you
> 'he's out there, Paige.' Let's try talking about
> something else for once, please. I'm starting to think
> that. . . ." she was about to say something else, but
> she was cut off by the ringing of the intercom and the
> buzzing of her pager.
> 
> "Dr. Haberman and Dr. Scully.......Please report to ER
> STAT. Dr. Haberman and Dr. Scully please report to ER
> STAT."
> 
> Paige laughed. "I don't remember telling them that you
> were working tonight."
> 
> Scully shrugged. "See what I mean. The hospital
> doesn't think that we have social lives either."
> 
> "Code FOUR, Dr. Scully and Dr. Haberman, you are
> needed. Code FOUR.
> 
> "Shit, We better get on the move. They must be
> understaffed." she through Scully a pair of scrubs and
> through her purse on the chair.
> 
> Scully accepted the shirt and pants and followed her
> friend down the hallway. Just as they turned the
> corner they hit a wall of doctors and nurses. They
> were rushing around, wheeling people in on stretchers.
> 
> 
> "What happened." Scully asked one of the nurses who
> was leaning over a small child.
> 
> "There was an accident involving three cars. Two were
> involved in a high speed chase and the other was just
> in the wrong place at the wrong time." she motioned to
> an ambulance just pulling into the small circle. "You
> better get out there Dr. Scully, that one apparently
> needs the most attention and the best doctor."
> 
> Scully smiled at the nurses comment then headed
> towards the door. This was the kind of night usually
> drained her emotions down to a bloody pulp, but they
> needed her and she couldn't let them down..
> 
> Paige rushed to the victim on the stretcher that had
> just been rolled in and turned to the EMT. "What's the
> status on this one?" she quickly took the mans pulse.
> It was weak, but there.
> 
> "Head injuries, internal bleeding, we're guessing that
> he has a couple of crushed ribs and possible neck
> injuries. He was bleeding so much that we weren't
> concerned with other injuries we were trying to stop
> the blood flow." he handed the ventilator to a nurse
> passing by and rushed back out to help the other
> patients.
> 
> Paige quickly shoved a clip board under the stretcher
> and quickly joined the other doctors in wheeling him
> into the hospital. "Dana!" she called. "Dr. Scully I
> need your help with this one."
> 
> Scully quickly left the small child that she was
> examining and rushed over to join her friend. "What do
> we have here?" she asked, trying not to sound too
> panicked. 
> 
> Paige shrugged and pushed the doors to the operating
> room open. "We need to stop the bleeding." she yelled
> over the roar of voices. She though Scully a gown and
> motioned to the scrub room. "Get dressed for surgery.
> He's not going to make it if we don't get him open
> soon."
> 
> "Okay let me....." she was reaching for her clip board
> when she caught sight of the mans face. A wave of
> nausea suddenly washed over her. She gripped the side
> of the table to steady herself. 'This isn't
> happening.' she told herself. 'This isn't real, it's
> not.'
> 
> "Dana!" Paige screamed, feeling the mans pulse drop
> lower. "Dana, damn it! What's wrong?" she watched as
> her friend rushed out of the room.
> 
> Paige glanced down at the man and gasped. Why hadn't
> she seen it earlier? She shook her head trying to
> clear away the shock. She wasn't sure of what to do.
> She couldn't leave the man for Dana's sake, but then
> she was worried about her friend. 
> 
> Pushing away the fear, she turn to another doctor who
> had just entered. "Get ready for surgery. We have to
> stop this mans bleeding." she glanced back over at the
> forms laying on the table and picked them up.
> 
> Name__________ 
> 
> Paige picked up the pen and quickly filled in the
> blanks. "Name." she mumbled. "Fox Mulder."
> 
> ****************
> 
> Scully rushed out into the waiting room and glanced
> around. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion.
> She wasn't sure how long she had been standing in the
> room before she decided that she couldn't handle the
> pain any longer. 
> 
> Taking a deep breath she slid into one of the chairs
> and pulled her knees to her chest. Tears stung her
> eyes. 'How can this be?' she thought. It seemed like
> just yesterday when she had seen him in the exact same
> place. On the operating table.
> 
> "Mulder." she whispered. 'He's probably married.' she
> realized. 'He probably has a family and a child. I
> won't let him see me. I just won't let him know that
> I'm here.'
> 
> She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Not now."
> she whispered. "I refuse to fall apart now." But she
> couldn't help it. She and Paige had just been speaking
> of him, things like this just didn't happen in *real*
> life. 
> 
> "Dr. Scully." nurse Benson said approaching from the
> far west corridor of the room. "Are you all right. Do
> you need me to call someone?" 
> 
> Scully shook her head slightly and buried her head in
> her hands. "I want to be left alone." she cried. "Just
> leave me alone." a sob shook her body. Nothing
> mattered anymore. She knew the truth.
> 
> "If you need anything......" the nurse began, but
> stopped. "I'll see you around." she quickly headed
> towards the doors afraid that she'd be getting in too
> deep.
> 
> Time passed slowly. The minutes seemed like hours and
> the hours seemed to have been ticking away as if they
> were days. She had lost all aspects of time, and had
> noticed nothing in her surroundings. She wasn't sure
> of how long she had been sitting there when Paige
> finally came out of surgery. She glanced up at her
> friend, praying for good news.
> 
> "He'll be all right." she said, afraid to say anything
> else. "It wasn't as bad as it looked, Dana. He did
> have some internal bleeding but we managed to stop it
> before it got really serious."
> 
> "Can I see him?" she asked.
> 
> Paige shook her head. "I don't think that it would be
> such a good idea. Seeing you may put him into shock."
> she paused. "Actually, Dana, he's still with the FBI.
> When we were checking his identification we found his
> badge amongst a few other personal things that I doubt
> you would be away of.."
> 
> "What!" Scully couldn't believe what she had just
> heard. "Are you sure he's still with the FBI?" she
> hadn't even heard the last part of Paige's sentence.
> 
> Paige nodded. "I'll let you go see him, but please,
> please don't hurt him. It's obvious that he didn't
> want you to find him if he's been in the FBI all this
> time and never contacted you."
> 
> "I don't believe this......why?" she shook her head in
> disbelief. "I just don't understand what I did wrong
> to deserve all this." she stood up and headed towards
> the recovery room.
> 
> Paige sighed and watched her friend leave. 'She's in
> for a shock.' she thought. 'A very big shock.'
> 
> ***************
> Recovery Room #8 
> 4:38 A.M.
> 
> Scully paused outside of Mulders room. 'I can't.' she
> thought, but went in any way. 
> 
> She nearlly cried out when she saw him hooked up to a
> bunch of machines. She couldn't ignore them, but
> slowly made her way over to his side. "Hello Mulder."
> she whispered. He did not respond or even move. She
> reached for his hand, but a glint of gold metal
> stopped her.
> 
> Moving closer she saw that it was a wedding ring. Her
> heart sank. 'Mulder, Married?' she shook her head. The
> thought was nauseating. She backed away towards the
> door. The sudden urge to escape washed over her.
> 
> "Good-bye, Mulder." She whispered. "Maybe if things
> had been different." she turned and walked back down
> the hall and out the doors. 
> 
> ***************
> 5:13 A.M.
> 
> Scully flipped on the radio. She wasn't really in the
> mood for music, but she needed something to keep her
> mind off Mulder. 
> 
> News......she turned the knob. Classical.....'No' she
> thought and turned it again. Finally she settled on a
> song.
> 
> "So you walked with for awhile.
> Bared your naked soul
> And you told me of your plan
> How you would never let them know.
> In the morning of the night
> You cried a long lost child
> And I tried oh I tried to hold you
> But you were young 
> and you were wild."
> 
> Scully sniffed. She couldn't take it anymore. She
> didn't want to go back to the hospital, but she didn't
> want to go home either. She pulled onto the shoulder
> of the road and put the car into park. Then burying
> her head in her hands she cried. Letting the music
> surround her.
> 
> "But I, I will never be the same
> Oh I, I will never be the same
> Caught in your eyes
> Lost in your name
> I will never be the same."
> 
> Mulder opened his eyes and looked around the hospital
> room. 'It was a dream.' he decided. He was almost sure
> he had heard Scully, but she wasn't there. He wasn't
> even sure where *there* was.
> 
> He groaned as a pain shot through his back and into
> his chest. The last thing he remembered was turning
> onto a dark road, then waking up in the emergency
> room. Some woman doctor had asked him a ton of
> questions, then had given him some sort of pain shot.
> Which had knocked him out like a light.
> 
> "Scully." he whispered and quickly drifted off to
> sleep.
> 
> "Secrets of your life
> I never wanted for myself
> But you guarded them like a lie
> Placed up on the highest shelf
> In the morning of the night
> When woke to find you gone
> I knew your distant devil
> Must be draggin' you along.
> 
> But I, I will never be the same
> Oh I, I will never be the same
> Caught in your eyes
> Lost in your name
> I Will never be the same."
> 
> Paige glanced in on Mulder. She expected to find
> Scully holding his hand, but when she saw that her
> friend was no where in sight, she became worried. Just
> as she was about to enter, Mulder opened his eyes.
> 
> "What happened?" he asked.
> 
> "You were in a car accident." Paige replied and was
> quickly at his side. "I'm Dr. Habermen." 
> 
> Mulder groaned. "Nice to meet you. Under normal
> circumstances I would be thrilled, but you can kind of
> understand why I'm not to enthusiastic."
> 
> Paige smiled. She could finally see what Dana saw in
> him. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of hazel
> she had ever seen and his smile . . . . well it was
> indescribable. "Yes, well I've heard a lot about
> y....." she let her voice trailed off. 'What the hell
> am I doing?' she wondered. 'If Dana didn't talk to
> him, I'm not about to tell him she's here.'
> 
> "Ugh-- do you have any family you'd like us to call?"
> 
> Mulder shook his head and glanced down at his hand.
> His first thought was of Scully, but he had no idea
> where she was. "No." he finally replied pulling off
> his ring. "Would you throw this away or put it
> somewhere for me? It was part of the last case I was
> working on and I don't really want to wear it." he
> smiled thinking about Scully. He wanted so much to
> call her.
> 
> "Are you sure there's no one I can call?" she asked
> taking the ring. "I mean your mother, a brother or
> sister." she paused. "A girlfriend."
> 
> "And you swore that you were bound
> for glory
> And for wanting you had no shame
> But I loved you
> Then I lost you
> And I will never be the same.
> 
> And I, I will never be the same
> Oh I, I will never be the same.
> Caught in your eyes
> Lost in your name
> I will never be the same."
> 
> Scully pulled back on to the road. She had to talk to
> Mulder. She didn't care if he was married. At least he
> was happy, that was all that mattered at the moment.
> She flashed her turn signal; and turned back into the
> hospital parking lot.
> 
> "I'm coming, Mulder." she whispered. "I'm coming." she
> pulled the hospital doors open and rushed in. She ran
> through the halls and to the elevator. There was just
> enough room for her to squeeze in. She pushed floor
> three and leaned back against the wall.
> 
> After about a minute the doors opened and she hurried
> out and down the hall to Mulder's room. She has known
> from the moment she first walked into Mulder's office
> that she would never be the same and now was the
> chance to make everything the way she wanted it.
> 
> Holding her breath she walked into Mulder's room.
> Paige was sitting there, talking. 
> 
> "Are you sure you don't want me to call someone." she
> asked again.
> 
> "Yes, I said that there is no one."
> 
> "Paige." Scully whispered.
> 
> Both Paige and Mulder turned to look at her. The shock
> was evident in Mulder's eyes, but he didn't seem that
> unhappy to see her.
> 
> Scully walked further into the room and paused at the
> foot of the room. "Hello, Agent Mulder." she turned to
> Paige. "Would you mind leaving us alone. There are a
> couple of things I have to say to him."
> 
> Paige nodded and left with out another word. 
> 
> "Hello, Scully." Mulder whispered. He couldn't believe
> his luck. After two years of searching for her he had
> finally found her. 
> 
> "Mulder, I don't know why you left and sometimes I
> don't think I really want to know, but for the moment
> would you ease my curiosity and tell me." she sat
> down. 
> 
> "I didn't leave, Scully. They wouldn't tell me where
> you were. I got out of the hospital and went by your
> place and you were gone."
> 
> Scully shook her head. "Mulder, I waited six months. I
> waited six months for you to return and when you
> didn't I went on with my life. The FBI wasn't my job
> anymore. And I knew that it would never be again." she
> paused. "The only reason I stuck around was because of
> you."
> 
> She was on the verge of tears. It was just too much
> for her.
> 
> "Scully, I never meant to hurt you. I have been
> looking for you, I tried everything in my power to
> find you. Honestly. I did. Please don't be like this.
> Not now."
> 
> "Your married, Mulder. How can you possibly get
> married and leave me." tears rushed down her cheeks as
> she spoke. "I'm only going to tell you this because I
> probably won't ever see you again, but, I. . . . I
> loved you. You were everything to me and it hurts to
> have this empty feeling inside of me. Now that I've
> seen you it's suddenly become even more empty. It's
> not fair."
> 
> Mulder shook his head. "I'm not married Scully. That
> was part of my case I was working on." he held up his
> hand. "See."
> 
> "Your not?" Scully asked hopefully. Suddenly feeling
> rather embarrassed.
> 
> "Not unless you and I got married with out my
> knowing." he grinned again. "Scully you said you loved
> me. You don't anymore?"
> 
> Scully sighed and took his hand. "I don't know. I'll
> have to think about that." she paused. "You never told
> me how you feel."
> 
> "I wouldn't have been searching for you if I didn't
> feel the same way." he whispered. He reached out for
> her hand and she grasped it firmly. "I do love you,
> Scully. I always have."
> 
> Scully stood up and gently brushed her lips against
> his. "Now what?" she asked.
> 
> "I don't know......You tell me Dr. Scully." he brought
> his hand to the back of her neck. 
> 
> She smiled against his lips. "Think Skinner's still
> around?" she asked.
> 
> Mulder laughed and nodded. "I'll call him first thing
> this morning." and with that, he pulled her closer,
> savoring her smell. "I love you." he whispered again,
> and drifted off to sleep.
> 
> **************
> Out in the door way, Paige stood, watching, and
> smiling. Her work was done. Taking one last glance at
> Mulder and Scully, she disappereaded into the halls.
> With knowledge that it wasn't over yet.
> **************
> 
> The End......
> 
> (Just recently I've been swamped with requests for a
> sequel so stay turned for "I've Been Talking to My Angel")