Title: Heart and Shoulder
Author: pale the chicken slayer
Rating: PG-13 for themes and slight language
Category: MSR, Angst, Fluff
Spoilers: None. Takes place between Fight the Future
and season 6.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own these characters. Nor do I
own 'Fade into You' or
'Here's to the Night'.
All of the following belong to their respective
copyright owners.
Summary: Love is the greatest sadness...
Notes: I haven't written any fan fic in ages. Really.
I just had inspiration tonight
and this short little piece took a little over an hour
to write. My characterization
is a little off, I know and it's not my typical piece.
I'm trying something new. I'm
happier with my life now so maybe my writing will get
happier...hmm..intruging
thought.
Thank Yous: Dina, as always :), and those that I love
more than life itself-you
know who you are.
-=-=-
"put your name on the line
along with place and time
want to stay, not to go,
i want to ditch the logical.
here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well.
here's to the night we felt alive.
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's going to come to soon."
-'Here's to the Night' by Eve 6
-=-=-
By
pale the chicken slayer
-=-=-
"If I sink this basket, Scully, you marry me." Mulder
said playfully from the foul line.
I watched him smile and then I saw his eyes, realizing
he was serious. Grinning slyly,
I agreed. He was good at basketball, yes, even I could
admit that, but he wouldn't
sink a shot with the rest of our lives riding on it.
Could he?
He smiled like a 16 year old boy right before he
picked up his prom date. I could sense
his fear, perhaps it was more nervousness. The ball
trembled in his hands as he made
an attempt to dribble it before taking his
'Millon-Dollar Shot', as Frohike would have
called it.
He turned to me and threw a slick shot that sailed
gracefully through the air and through
the hoop. Nothing but pure net. He turned, expecting
his throw to be off and somewhere
along the right or left side of the court, and his
mouth dropped open when he saw it
dance through the net.
I was at a loss for words. He was smiling so brightly,
even in the dark light I could see
him light up half of DC. Who would have known he could
make a shot as nervous as
he was? If I knew, would I have agreed to it? Maybe.
But maybe not.
"I...guess we're getting married." Mulder said,
turning to me, freezing and not knowing
what to do. I knew what to do. Run up to him and fling
my arms around him like some
romance film. Instead, I stood there like he had
caught me naked in the shower.
Not that that was a bad thing...
"Yes. We are." I said, not thinking, being
unprofessional. Maybe not questioning every
word I was going to say was a good thing. Maybe. Too
many maybe's are involved with
Mulder and I, I sometimes think. I love him like no
one else. But not like you'd typically
consider a romantic relationship. Not a 'oh I met him
in high school, he saved my ass when
I fell off the top of the cheerleading pyramid' but
something new...something...different.
He slowly, carefully, delicately walked over to me and
stood beside me as I gazed, my
eyes absent in the sky, my thoughts absent in my
heart, and took my hand. I looked up
at him, or maybe I could have been looking down
because I felt like I was on some cloud
far far away, and saw the happiest eyes I have ever
seen.
"You're going to marry me, Scully."
-=-=-
I always wondered what brought about the change in
character in me when that night
came. Why did I let him take me out for a game of
basketball? I'm short, well, personally
I think shortness is a virtue, but that doesn't help
me when playing sports. Why did
I let him bet that? It's not something I normally
would have done...right?? Well, the
more I pondered and thought about it, I realized that
it wasn't nesscesarly an ordinary
situation. Who gets bet to be wed over a foul shot
during a 'game' of basketball? Not
normal women, I can say.
I never had much luck with relationships. That's
possibly why I never felt a possibility
of persuing one with Mulder. Well, maybe I did want to
a little...but not enough so that
I'd risk everything to go after that one little ray of
light. I think I wanted him to make the
first move...yes. In fact, I needed him to make the
first move. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't
be happy. No...maybe I would be but I wouldn't be
happy like this.
-=-=-
"Great occassions scare me." I said, thinking aloud to
any object that would listen.
"No...they don't. You've just never had the right
one." Mulder says with a sweet wink.
Guys and winking. I don't get it. What is the
sugnificance of that? I don't care. I love him
too much to let an eye-motion get to me.
"Right one? You're probably right about that.
Considering how most of our 'great
occassions' are usually funerals." I say, playing with
a napkin on the kitchen table and
biting my lip in thought.
Mulder looks at me with that serious look I do not
want to see right now. "People die.
We know that. But, I really don't want to dwell on the
past because," he moves closer
to me and his voice lowers, as if about to tell me a
secret, "I'm happy right now."
I smile and bring him closer to me. I could cry right
now, I tell myself. But I won't.
Tears are best saved for movies and sadness.
-=-=-
The wedding came and went and I'll spare you details
of the wedding night. I remember just
watching him as he came down the aisle and realizing
that I could never love anyone more
than I loved him.
When I began to think about that, as I have done a lot
in these past few days or weeks or
months or maybe even years-time tends to trickle
together when you can't imagine the
morning breaking anymore, I started to be a little
frightened. How could my mind and my
body agree to being completely vulnerable? I felt
naked and exposed. My soul felt like
it was trembling from some sort of evil chill but I
knew I had to let go of some things. I
knew these things and yet, I couldn't let myself let
go. Yet, at least.
Time and time again I had felt hurt, burned, abused,
exposed, all of those fearful words but
yet I never told anyone. Except the stars sometimes.
Lately, they don't seem to work. I try
and try to make them twinkle again, thinking as a
dreamer-something I never would have
done if it had not been for Mulder 'stripping' me of
some of my scientific illusions and
realities. I knew that he would not hurt me, not run
away and hide, he wouldn't do any of
those deliberate and savage things to a woman, but
somehow I couldn't get over some
of those 'hurts'. I felt that he could be my healing.
My antibotic. Something to take away
all of this.
And yet, this was all in pure vanity, because I knew
that he had his own wounds to heal.
So why bother him with mine?
Still, in these days gone by, I know I was wrong to
set all my hurts on him and I regret that
every single day. But that didn't stop him from loving
me. I don't believe.
-=-=-
Our marriage was less than perfect but it was
beautiful nonetheless. A lot of people
experience love, or the feeling of love but not
nessecarily the 'existence' of love, as
young teenagers working their way into the world.
Then, it's like an addiction for some.
For others, it's a pain and a pair of shakles you no
one must share. I never had an
experience of 'love' when I was a teenager. I have
only had one true experience with it.
The one I thought would last forever.
It has so far. I just don't know how forever will hold
out for me, if it will wait for me to
catch up to it or if it will decide that, no, there
are too many people in this world claiming
'forever' as their own. I don't know...hell, I don't
know a lot of things. Forever seemed
permanent enough when we promised each other it. Now,
it seems short. Like it'll stop
soon and all these things I've bled and cried for will
be nothing. You hear about stories
like that on the news. How people bleed and die for
things, only to find their efforts be
wiped out in a cruel twist of reality. Well, I want to
say something and, at this point, what
you think about what I say doesn't matter because I
have discovered it as a truth. MY
truth.
Reality really has a sense of cruel and sick humor.
She brings you happiness and joy only
to bring you suffering and death when she wants.
Fuck her.
So much for thinking before I say things. My
logicalness and rationality decides to leave me
sometimes. I'm old now so I tend to factor things like
that to my age. I just don't believe that
all your life should be spent dwelling on the ills and
devistating things about life. They
shouldn't.
-=-=-
"My lips cannot form words that express what fear and
sadness I have in me now. Believe
me, for they have tried endlessly and yet, nothing
seems to capture this feeling. You never
realize what you have until it's gone, as I am told.
Sometimes you do, I think in contrast
to their words. Sometimes you realize what you have
and you try to desparately to hold on
to it that you cannot see that it is already gone. You
can't let that stop you from loving,
though. For I have loved, and I have lost. I've seen
the best, and the worst, of both worlds.
"Tonight, it is my greatest regret to say, we are here
to mourn, or perhaps celebrate-maybe
he would have liked it better, the passing of my
husband. Well, I shouldn't call it a passing..."
I sniff and tears trickle down my cheeks. "I...I
shouldn't call it a passing. He didn't pass on
by like many of us will. He made an impact. Perhaps
not on you...but he did on me."
I look up and see all the solemn and mourning faces.
Everything is dark and misty, the
springtime rains have begun to fall and the mist is in
everyones eyes. I can't help it when my
tears explode and swim down, down into my shirt and
down my hands, down the podeum,
down the stairs, and down...down into the earth.
"I think I'm supposed to say something about his
greatest accomplishment." I cover my eyes
and cry for a moment. "His..his greatest
accomplishment was..."
I wipe my eyes, preparing myself.
"Loving me." My voice says, in a hoarse, tired
whisper. "His greatest accomplishment was
loving me."
-=-=-
I know I'm dying.
I know I'm going away.
I feel it so clear now. All my memories are flooding
back and...I am taken back in time.
Back to the greatest day of my life. . .
-=-=-
"Hey, Scully?" Mulder says, taking my hand in his and
I can feel his warmth, and his sweat,
upon my skin. He is scared, I can sense. But I won't
say anything. I'll just let this moment
be.
"Yes?" I say, turning my gaze from the stars and onto
his face. He's beautiful. More beautiful
than the oceans that I will cry. He's amazing. He's
mine.
"I won." He says, grinning slyly.
"You won what, Mulder?" I say, curious.
He smiles that smile, you know, the one right before
he says something a little corny but
funny. "I won the game." He drops the basketball to
his side and it bounces discreetly
across the court
I smile and fade into the warmth of his embrace and
kiss. This is more than I could have ever
asked for...Someday, he'll know I love him more than
anything. Right now, all it is is a feeling
we both know is there but dare not to speak.
All is fair in love and basketball. Yes...that's how
he got me to marry him.
"All is fair in love and basketball." I say and smile.
He takes my hand and we walk off into
the impending morning sunshine. The sky is a velvet
colour with streaks of light purple
sunshine breaking though. . .
-=-=-
-end-
-=-=-
Fade Into You
by
Mazzy Star
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew
(
geocities.com/txfssgfic)