As the argument went on, he said he has known for about 3 months that I had feelings for Randy, from a letter that Kath had wrote to me, and he found it. At that moment I thought my life was possibly over, because of something he told me earlier on in our relationship, "if you are ever with someone besides me, I will kill you first, then kill him". At that moment I just clammed up, and prayed for my life. Well God must have heard my feeble prayers, cause here I am today telling about it. The last he asked me was if I thought we could reconcile. And I knew honesty was my savior at that moment. I knew I no longer wanted to live the life I was living, I knew I wanted something better for my children, so I whispered "no". At that moment he got up, and started unpacking his clothes, and re packing them. Then he grabbed his bags and walked out the door. I guess I was kinda shocked at that moment, cause I couldn't move. I just sat there. And then the realization came to me that I was once again alone.

The crying started then. It was now roughly 4:30 am. My little girl then 9, came into my room and asked me what was wrong. I proceeded to tell her that daddy left. She teared up, I went to her, and hugged her with everything I had left in me. She just looked at me and told me everything would be okay. Then I knew she was going to be my strength through the next couple of days.

She proceeded to try and go back to sleep. I, on the other hand hadn't had any sleep all night long, and I knew now that I really could not sleep. So I booted up my computer, now about 5 am, in hopes of finding someone I could talk to. I knew Randy wouldn't be on, because of him having to work. I was online for a little while, and could not really find anyone to talk to. I then decided that I was in desperate need of sleep. When Amy had woke up again, she told me to go to bed and get some sleep. She that she would look after Derek, and explain to him for me what had happened. So off I went in seek of some much needed sleep.

I slept for a couple of hours, and then got up, one of my sisters came over, I believe it was Jackie, and I explained to her what happened. Well needless to say she was not happy with the situation, and was offering all that she could do for us. Thank God for sisters. At that time, the phone rang, it was Randy. He wanted to know when we were heading out to get there, so he could let his sister know when to expect us. She was our temporary storage, and living for the first couple of weeks, until we got on our feet. Well I told him, "he's gone". He didn't understand right away because his reply was "what, he went to the store, to work what?" I then told him no, that he left, gone, outta state. Randy grew very angry at the fact that a man could just up and leave his family like that. He said we would figure something out, at that point I wasn't too sure of that.

I also wished that I would have had Kath there with me at the time, someone to lean on. But she was not there. After my sister left I was alone again. I looked around, and saw everything packed as it was the night before when I so excitedly taped up boxes, with an actual smile on my face. And then in a split second, all that happiness gone. I knew I was alone. I didn't like that fact. I had already pulled my kids out of school, quit my job, no money, cause he took it all, and we were being evicted. Everything seem so hopeless. I remembered that I should have a check at work for the few last days I worked. Should have been about $80, and that would feed my kids for a couple of days. So we trooped off to get my check.

I had alot of thoughts going through my head as we took our morning walk, I thought about how he made it easy on me to end my nightmare of unhappiness, and the nightmare of my children, yet I was afraid of being alone. As I looked at my children and they looked at me, the faith they had in me, that I saw radiate from there hopeful eyes, was overwhelming. It was at that moment I knew I had to do something. I could not let them down. Not as a mother, provider, or woman. Well we got the check, got back home, and organized some more things. Around 1:45 pm that afternoon, I decided to jump online and catch Randy if possible. To see if he had any ideas as to what we could do. At that moment, Amy came and sat down on the floor beside me, since we had tore the desk down. She then looked at me and said "Mom, are we still going to Texas?" Well at that point I really didn't know what to tell her. So I just told her that there was a possibility that we wouldn't be going. Then she started to cry. I just hugged her and told her all would be okay, even though I wasn't sure that we would be at the moment.

Derek played quietly that day with his toys, in a kind of withdrawn way. But he was being good, so I left him be. I managed to get ahold of Randy online, and instant tears filled my eyes. He told me he was so sorry for everything we were going through. And that we would be okay. At that time noone could convince me of that. I just looked around my surroundings, an cried even more. He said he had to go for a bit, but he would be back. My heart sank

So I had to think about the kids too, now approaching 5 pm, they had to eat. We didn't have any groceries due to the move, and I really didn't really feel like going out into the cold to buy any. So I just ordered a pizza for them to be delivered. They were content with that. After we finished up, I washed whatever we used, and re packed them. I decided I would see if Randy was back online. And he showed up shortly after I did. An instant smile formed on my lips.

We talked for a long time, and finally figured out what we would do. We decided that I would condence everything down that I packed, and take only those things I would need. And Randy would come and rescue us from this mess. I instantly began to cry. This man who lived almost 1000 miles away was going to come save us, and take us to Texas. He was going to do something that my family couldn't offer me. That night my husband called. He said "I guess you probably know where I am". Of course I knew, he went back to his mom once again. All I could tell him was that I had nothing further to say. He pleaded for me to accept him back. I just couldn't do it, for some reason I could not agree. He only called one more time that night. And he never called there again. I spose he figured that I would just stay put, that I was too weak to make a life for my kids and I all by myself. Well once I thought about that, wasn't that what I had been doing all the years we were together?

Randy told me that he would leave Saturday after work. So I knew I had alot to do. So I grabbed Amy and told her we were going to Texas, and I would need her help. So we worked and packed, and repacked, until we had organized everything that we wanted to take. We were so tired at that time, we were ready for sleep. So we pulled a mattress into the livingroom, and we all slept together that night, reassured from the closeness.

The next day, I had all kinds of visitors. I guess God wanted me to at least see my family before I left. There really wasn't much support there. As a matter of fact I was not sure why they had showed up. Nothing was mentioned to me about moving, no special good byes, no nothing. I felt a little bit tense and uneasy, noone really had anything to say. Jackie backed me up 100% of the time through all of it. She was a rock. She was a strength and a support. She was my Angel in disguise. Well, after everyone left, it seemed kinda final, my heart sank, but my spirit didn't, not this time. I did a few other things, making sure that I had all I wanted to take. Well I wanted to be able to take it all, but there would not be room for everything. At that moment I felt such an immence hatred for my husband, that it overwhelmed me. Here I was doing the same thing again that he had me do so many years ago, when he walked out the first time, but this time, there would be no second chance for him. There would be no "taking him back", there would be no crawling back to me, until the fear overwhelmed me. All the doubts reared their ugly heads. What if he came back, and decided he wouldn't let me go, that he wanted to keep me, what if I wasn't making the right decision? Regardless of those fears, I could not let them get the better of me so instead, I prayed for the day to go by quickly, but my fears got worse. I sent the kids out to play, so they wouldn't sense my fears. Randy would be here sometime tomorrow, I kept telling myself that. Just to try and reassure myself a little.

I jumped online for bit after 1 pm. I was hoping maybe Randy would pop on before he took off. I remember him saying he wanted to take a short nap Saturday before he headed out. Well Randy wasn't online. Night quickly fell, and Amy went to go spend the night at her Aunt Jody's, cause she still wanted to go to church in the AM. So she stayed with her. Derek on the otherhand didn't want to go that night.

So I got online, it was around 7 or 8. Derek finally started to wind down some, and drifted off to sleep at about 8:30. I chatted with a few of my friends, they wanted to make sure I was doing okay. I told them as good as can be expected, but I knew we would be okay somehow, we would survive. So I finally got offline. And no sooner did I sign off, the phone rang. Instantly I thought my husband was calling, trying his begging tactics again, so I was rather reluctant to answer the phone. To my wonderful surprise it was Randy. Oh how the sound of voice was so reassuring. He told me it was about time I signed offline, he had already been on the road for about 4-5 hours. I know I must have squealed excitedly, and he noticed. *smiles* he would be there around 10 in the AM. Well after we hung up, I was so excited that I jumped back online to tell all my friends that he was really on his way. Everyone was so happy for me, but above all that, what counted was the fact that I was happy for me.

I guess I went to bed sometime around midnight that night. With hopeful thoughts flooding my head. And of course some of those "what if's" that we all torture ourselves with at one time or another. Well that was my time to do it. I finally drifted off, at what time I don't know. But I awoke with a start about 8 am. I figured I was either having a nightmare, or it was anticipation. Well I got up out of our makeshift bed, of a mattress and blankets. Derek woke shortly after, and of course was rearing and ready to go. So he played, and I asked if him if he wanted to go to church that morning, and he said no. So I made a call to Jody to let her know.

My excitement was growing steadily as 10:00 approached. And I was feeling a little anxious, in fear that my husband might show up too. I didn't know what to think, what not to think, how possitive I should be, how negative, nothing. I already let myself down for staying in this relationship as long as I did. Not only me, but my kids also. And I didn't really want to let them down again.

Finally around 10 am that morning, a green truck showed up out side my house. My heart was thumping so hard by that time, I thought it was lying on the floor *giggles*. Then before he could even knock, I swung open the door, and flung myself into his arms. We hugged what seemed to be an eternity, while the whole time I had tears clouding my eyes, and whispering a quiet thank you to God. At that point in time, my life changed. My old world as I knew it no longer existed, only this sweet moment that God chose to give to me.

Randy packed the truck up, after he slept for about 3 hours, cause he was exhausted. I would sit there and watch him sleep, wondering why God chose Randy to come into my life. I guess he knew that Randy was strong enough for the both of us. And he knew we needed each other. And at that moment I really knew that we would be okay. I am so thankful that God helped me find enough strength to save myself and my children, and do something about our situation.

We arrived in Texas about 10 am Monday morning. Where a whole new wonderous world would begin for all of us. Derek had stored alot of anger inside, and revealed that mostly to Randy. I knew that his dad had a huge impact on him, that it would be a long time before Derek would learn to trust another man. In his short life, he had been through so much. And to this day he still faces alot of fears. But we are working on those. Even at one point my ex had custody of them both, not sure if there were lies, or miscommunications, but that doesn't matter now. I fought for them with all that I had in me. Funny though, I fought for something that I already had, but they are worth it.

Randy and I got pregnant, and had a beautiful baby girl and named her Kayla Hope. It was a dream come true for Randy. He didn't have any children at all. Now he has this vibrant bouncing happy baby girl to call his own. We were married on March 26, 1999, after everything was overwith. My ex gets visitation with the kids 4 weeks out of the summer. I just have to pray that God keeps them safe. So far so good. I think he learned the valuble lesson of "You don't know what you've got until it is gone."

If you are in this type of relationship as I was, please get out, if not for you, for your kids. You never know when your life could stop, when things get too bad, find your own strength, and courage to save your life, your happiness, and the safety of your children.

Thank you for sharing my story. I knew it was time for all to be revealed. And I thank God that I finally found my courage, and my strength.

Please show your support for those who are suffering at this very moment, go visit my page No Where To Go
If you'd like to read a little about my hobbies, and my life as it is now, then you can go to my bio page. Thanx for stopping by.