HUMOUR

A man can kiss his wife goodbye,A flower can kiss a butterfly,Wine can kiss a frosted glass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!

Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep, Im not half as thunk as u drink, I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunnin,sexy,cute,beautiful &adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u, till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex,5 million people r drinking coffee,100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down*
HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!

The rain makes all things beautiful, The grass & flowers 2, If rain makes all things beautiful, Why doesn’t it rain on you?

This cat,is cat,a cat,good cat,way cat,to cat,keep cat,a cat,idiot cat,buzy cat,for cat,20 cat,seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

im at the police station. The police caught me & filed a case against me. "possession of good looks" i'm doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out;so hurry up!

i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me. U cry i cry. U lauf i lauf. U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again!

NEWSFLASH

*NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

*NEWFLASH* Snow white has been chucked out of Disney Land.She was reported to have pulled up her skirt,sat on Pinocchio's face & shouted "LIE BASTARD LIE!"

*NEWSFLASH* A lepor was reported to have visited a prostitute.On his way out he said "KEEP THE TIP!"

*NEWSFLASH* A woman was found dead in her home 2day!She was discoverd in her bath tub which was filled with milk & conflakes.the police suspect a cerial killer!

*NEWSFLASH* Police r lookin 4 a suspect whos smart,sexy,witty & very gorgeous- they've already eliminated u from the enquiry (where do you think i shood hide?)

MISCELLANEOUS

Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate,2 have & 2 hold,4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes,in text messaging & in poor signal,till low battery do us part?

A good friend is like a good bra... hard 2 find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight, and is always close 2 ur heart!

i once had a ONE-2-ONE night with a VIRGIN, she teased me till i got an ERICKSON, sucked me till till my face went ORANGE, till i busted my load of SEIMEN, over her NOKIAS.

I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving. Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample, they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

THE NHS REGRETS TO INFORM U THAT UR BIRTH WAS AN ACCIDENT,PLEASE REPORT TO UR NEAREST HOSPITAL TO BE PUT DOWN,WE APOLOGISE 4 ANY INCONVINIENCE!

Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?" So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!"

Last nite I lay in bed, looking at the stars, the beautiful sky and the endless horizon....and suddenly I thought...where the fuck is my roof?

If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT?

Smilin is infexous,u catch it lik d flu,wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin 2,now im infectd,iv sent it thru dis txt,so now ur smilin,who wil it go2 next?

God made butter,god made cheese,god made you for me to squeeze,god made whiskey,god made pepsi,and when he made you,he made you SEXY!

KISSING

A peach is a peach,a plum is a plum,a kiss aint a kiss,unless its wiv tongues,so open ur mouth,& close ur eyes,& give ur tongue some exercise

wot kisses mean!KISS ON HAND=i adore u KISS ON CHEEK=lets b friends KISS ON NECK=i want u KISS ON LIPS=i luv u KISS ANYWHERE ELSE=...lets not get carried away!

Kisses blown r kisses wasted,kisses rnt kisses unless they r tasted,kisses spread germs and germs r hated,but u can kiss me baby im vaccinated

WRONG PERSON

Ur cute,gorgeous,fine & dandy,really sexy,u make me randy,ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed, …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

You’re Attractive, Gorgeous, Sexy,Intelligent, Smart,Charming, Sophisticated, Fit,Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!

Uve got sex appeal,uve got style,uve got intelligence,uve got class,uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

MISLEADING

It goes in dry, it comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, we can have it in bed, just you and me...its not what you think;its a cup of tea!

Last nite i wantd u,needed u so badly dat it hurt,wantd 2 taste u,i wantd u in me so u could work ur magic on me...but i couldnt find u,u stupid.. PARACETAMOL!

At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick,i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?

Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam

Last nite i coodnt sleep,i wantd u warm against my skin,i wantd u on me,i wantd 2 feel u all over my body.. but i coodnt find u!Where did i put my PYJAMAS?

Im bout 6inches long,Wen used im inserted in2 a warm moist hole & thrust in & out repeatedly until i leave behind a sticky white substance!WOT AM I?A toothbrush!

come here,take off ur pants and get on top of me....enjoy me until ur totally satisfied lovingly urs TOILET!!!!

REASONS Y

4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds!

Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1,a better model cums on the market!

Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem!

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