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RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY
BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and
stare.
DOORS 
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To
get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to
use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about
several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito
season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you must gack up a hairball, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to
an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good.
When gacking on the carpet, make sure you back
up so the gacked hair is as precisely as long
as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for hampering.
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the
left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and
thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between his eyes and book, unless you can actually
lie across the book.
For paperwork, lie on the papers in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of
the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every
so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
For people paying bills or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim
-- to hamper! First, sit on the articles being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the
side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to
the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at
a time. Lick your paw as if you weren't paying
attention.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front
of him, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love that.
When your human is working at his computer,
jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at
mouse pointer on the screen and then lie in the
human's lap or across his arms, hampering typing
in progress.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close
as possible in front of the humans, especially
on stairs, when they have something in their arms,
in the dark and when they first get up in the
morning.
BEDTIME
After kneading his stomach for 10 minutes, always
sleep directly on the human so he cannot move
around.
LITTER BOX When using the litter box, be sure
to kick as much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans love the feel of cat litter between their
toes.
HIDING From time to time, hide in a place where
the humans cannot find you. Way back in the linen
closet behind the toilet paper is a good place.
Do not come out for three or four hours under
any circumstances. This will cause the humans
to panic (which they love) thinking that you have
run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and
you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face; turn around and present your posterior
to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests. It's a special way
to say, "Welcome to our home."
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