ANCIENT EVIL: SCREAM OF THE MUMMY To the Pile with you! I take notes when I watch movies, so I'll remember what to say when I sit down to write a review later. Here's the last thing I wrote before my viewing of this movie was mercifully interrupted by the timely arrival of some friends: "The downside of renting every damn movie I can find just for the joy of reviewing it later is that I have to reconsider what the worst movie I've ever seen is moreso than most people do." Later on, I steeled myself to finish watching it, and it didn't get any better. But it didn't get any worse, either. Dracula Rising retains, for now, the title of being the worst movie I've ever seen. But this definitely goes to the Pile. This horrible, horrible movie gives us a number of (blandly, N*Sync'ly attractive) college students holding an Aztec exhibit where the centerpiece is an ancient Aztec mummy. I didn't know Aztecs made mummies. Anyway, it turns out that one of the teens, the one that everybody picks on, is the latest in a long line of (apparently blonde) Aztec priests, who raises the mummy and sends it to kill everybody, though his real plan is to annihilate humankind, or something. Seems to me that this mummy would take a long time to do that. You can make a fun movie out of something like this, really you can. I liked The Outing. But this? I mean, we're given this guy I can only think of as Obnoxious Kid, who's truly one of the most obnoxious characters I've ever seen in a movie...and he's the only one who comes close to gettin' some. This stupid fucking mummy's been dead for, what, five thousand years, and all it wants to do now that he's back is run around and kill people. Mummies like this SUCK. And it understands English too. A McGyver reference? Fuck, kill me. "This place give me bad karma"? Does this person even know what karma is? Somebody calls the mummy "beef-jerky-face". Speaking of beef jerky, it looks like the mummy has been eating his share, since he looks way too chunky to have been entombed in withering desiccation for millennia. "I've watched too many goddamn movies; no way is this guy coming back." I don't even know what the hell this is supposed to mean, other than a pretty weak post-Scream stab at being "hip". The Aztec priest has a psychic link with the mummy. No shit. One girl makes a point of announcing that she's a virgin. If there's one thing I hate, it's people who are proud of their virginity, I mean, retaining one's virginity, compared to the many possibilities of human triumph, is a pretty sad excuse for an accomplishment. If there's another thing I hate, it's how obvious it is that there's gonna be a virgin sacrifice. One of the weirdest stupid things in this movie is when one character, obviously ill, says "I feel sick like I'm gonna throw up. Maybe I should go to the bathroom." The guy that's with him actually says "That's okay, I can help you." What the HELL does this mean? If you stay I will prevent you from vomiting? Fuck, you moron, just let the guy go the can and puke his guts out, he'll feel better afterward. No, I'm NOT going to keep drawing attention to this horrible movie by writing about it even more. Fuck it. It sucks. It's horrible. Everybody involved should be ashamed of themselves. You all just made the world suck a little more. Directed by David DeCoteau, who directs something like fifty-five movies a year. Written (if you can call it that) by Matthew Jason Walsh. Both of them, if they have any conscience at all, have probably cried themselves to sleep every night since this movie started production. And also known as Bram Stoker's Legend Of The Mummy 2, which maybe makes more sense, considering that this mummy does not, at any point in the movie, scream. BACK TO THE A's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE