May 3.......They say when someone looses a limb, that they can feel pain there even though the limb is no longer there. I know this to be true, because there is this great big lump of pain in my middle. They also say that time heals all wounds and that if you get on with life, things will get better. I know this to be true too, because it's what I told my son when he was in high school, and a girl friend broke up with him.
If,therefore, these things are all true, why am I going through the motions of living, and feeling nothing but pain and sorrow and hopelessness and loss. It's not as though I have known Rennie all my life and had any sort of history with him. It's not as though we were having this torrid love affair.....he's ever only taken my hand or touched me in passing or as we sat together. But for the first time in my life I felt at home in someone else's company and was truly,truly happy. I had met someone who believed the things that I do and who understood my feelings;who didn't laugh when I tried to explain about the spirits in trees and the earth. Who understood that when an animal dies there should be someone there to say thankyou for the life of the animal,and to send its spirit on its way to wherever the animals go.
May 6........This last week at work has been hell. Complete and absolute. I have managed to do my job and that is about all. My friends are concerned, I know , but what can I possibly say that would sound sensible? I am too old for romantic fancies and am working toward a comfortable retirement, and all I can think of is Rennie and how I've made a perfect mash of the whole thing.
I woke at 3 0'clock this morning,the first day of my holidays, and knew for certain that I must find him if I can. I need to make a list of the things I will need to take and a list of the things to do to settle things here. I shall tell people that I am going on a trip,which is in fact true,and I don't really give a rat's behind for what people will think. I'll leave instructions with Jill and Tony for what to do in the event that I have not returned in six months, and leave a letter for them to open then,explaining it all, and I know they will understand.
May 12.....I've been rushing around all week generally spending my meager savings and trying to think of everything at once. The main expenditure was a horse. Mr.Jamieson breeds big blond work horses on his farm just outside town, and agreed to sell me a young mare and saddle and all the things I will need to care for her.He also gave me a few lessons to brush up on things I've forgotten about horse care. I am not sure just what he thinks I am doing, but is supportive when I try to explain my wish "to wander for awhile". He has also sold me four bantam hens and a rooster....shades of my childhood, when I had a flock of the little birds. They can ride in wicker crates and during the day I have devised a sort of pen for them from an old patio umbrella. I removed the vinyl covering and replaced it with fruit bush netting and there's room for them to scratch around under it and they won't fly away.The umbrella actually has enough space for me to curl up under it at night and with a big army poncho from the surplus store over it I am dry and cozy.
During the week,I received a small box in the mail from Jill and inside was a lovely silver filigree locket and matching earrings. The locket has a picture of her and my son,Tony, in it. The only other thing in the box.....a note with the message...."Gypsies Wear Jewelry". I shed a few tears over that......I just knew she would understand. I wonder if I shall ever see them again.
May 14......I have everything I shall need, I hope, and anything else I will have to do without. The list includes .....a compass,ten boxes of waterproof matches,a sewing kit, a first aid kit with extra aspirin and penicillin tablets, a good knife and hatchet with a sharpening stone,a folding spade,two spools of 20lb fishing line, mess kit and canteen,poncho - army style, dehydrated food, clothing and blankets and personal stuff. A book on "Survival in the Wild" that has all kinds of helpful stuff in it. I bought two wicker hampers that are fitted to hang on either side behind the saddle and with the chickens' cages perched on top should make quite a sight.
One of the things I thought about longest was a small crate that will fit into the bottom of one of the big hampers. In this, I have put a few things that I don't need really, but that I do want to take "just in case". I've got a few of my very favorite books, and some supplies for lace making. A bobbin-lace kit that my cousin sent me from England, that I am learning how to use,as well as a tatting shuttle, and an assortment of crochet hooks.I think I shall probably be able to get cotton for these crafts there but to be on the safe side I put in four large balls of the yarn I like to use best.
I want to leave tomorrow......they are far enough ahead of me that it will take a while to catch up. I have an advantage in knowing what direction they are travelling from the news articles and being alone, can go faster than they can with the wagons. I am not afraid.....yet....but just anxious to start.I absolutely refuse to think that the way through might be closed or that I will not find them or not be welcome when I do. I shall spend the night at the farm so I can leave early in the morning before light, and that way will avoid people as much as possible .
May 15.......I've stopped a lot sooner than I planned, but I'm so tired. The first day on the road has been an education. The road is much better than I had anticipated but I have to admit that I am a little nervous after all. I need the time to unwind and update the journal in case I have no time later and I don't want to forget this day.
I packed everything on Nell last night to practice and then unloaded again so we could catch a few hours sleep. I wanted to leave while it was still dark so I piled up some bales in Nell's stall and tried to sleep. Amazingly I did for a bit, and when I woke,I packed again by lantern light. Though I tried not to make too much noise, Mr. Jamieson was waiting by the barn door as I left . "Good luck,Lass" he told me and I smiled and thanked him. I'll need every bit of his luck.
At the fair ground, I fastened my thoughts firmly on Rennie, and closing my eyes walked toward the camp fire in my mind.For one horrible minute, I hit a wall and thought all was lost , but I kept going and stepped clear. Nell was another matter altogether and half way through she stopped dead and no amount of tugging and talking to her would move her, so in desparation I went as far back as I dared and smacked her as hard as I could on her side and with a big jump she came through. Behind me I faintly heard the screech of tires, and pictured the headlines of the day......"Horse's A__ Disappears In Fair Grounds". That would pretty much describe both of us,I suppose.
I had to stop twice this morning to rearrange the packs and a peanut butter and jam sandwich with water at lunch wasn't very encouraging. I found a place to camp for the night away from the road and got us settled. The fire is such a comfort and the net umbrella for the hens is working very well. They're glad to get out of the carriers, and I'm glad to get off the horse, and Nell is glad to get all the stuff off her.This is a lot different from the camping I have done before....I can't run back home if the fire won't start or I get wet and cold. I am tired enough that I don't think I shall have any trouble sleeping.
May 17..... God,what a perfectly lousy day!!!It was cold and damp when I woke this morning,and just as I finished packing all the stuff on Nell, it started to rain. I was so tempted to just stay put by a fire, but I am far enough behind and if the Roma have stayed wherever they are, I can gain a day. The poncho, thank goodness, is big enough, if I arrange it properly, to cover all of us enough to keep most of the rain off.
I stopped when I thought it might be noonish and left the poncho on Nell to protect her and the chickens, and ended up wet and miserable myself. Not very smart for sure!!I did manage to get a fire started and heat a mug of soup. I'd have been lost without the waterproof matches.
After lunch, I lead Nell until I warmed up and then for the rest of the afternoon kept an eye out for a good camp. It only took a moment,when I found what I was looking for, to open the umbrella and put the poncho over it and propped up at the front with a couple of big sticks and a fire in front, I am positively cozy.
I wonder again if I am quite right in my mind. I am too old for this sort of thing. I am thinking about the things I do know about the Roma, and it really is not very much. The time I spent with Rennie,was mostly at night, and none of the others stopped by except to have a very quick word with Rennie. Certainly not enough time to meet any one. Even the girl Rosie, did not address me and though I know who she is from the news paper it isn't as though I know her.
At any rate this is enough for today. I have to get things dry and sorted tomorrow before setting out. There is just enough room for me and the hens' cages under the shelter if I curl up around the central pole, but at least I am dry and relatively warm.
May 18......Finally reached Lockwood just after noon today. I'm horrified that it has taken me this long to make a trip that takes only an hour or so in my time!!! I thought I would have caught up by now and upon inquiring in the village, find that the Roma have been and gone. The people there were not very friendly,but I expect they are no more glad to see the gypsies than anyone else in this time. I made the excuse that I am a reporter for the newspaper, and that my assignment is to follow their passage. I don't think that is particularly believable but in the news articles there was a lady from Toronto who sent back several reports to the papers,so maybe it will pass.
I've decided to stay in the village for the night. A warm bath went a very long way in making me feel better. The Inn here is quite comfortable and I expect the fact that I am sitting in the commom room and writing in this journal, is at least giving credence to the story I told about being a journalist for the paper. Tomorrow I can replenish my supplies a bit and be on my way by noon, I hope. Sleeping in a bed will be welcome after almost a week on the ground. I really hope I have not made a monumental mistake with this venture. I must put all thoughts like that behind me and just keep going.
May 21......Two days ago,just before first light, I woke from a sound sleep, to the baying of a wolf very close to camp. In terror, I scrambled from my blankets, feeling desparately for some kind of weapon. I had just located the folding spade, when I was knocked over by a tremendous beast. Nell was stamping around and I remember thinking that if she ran I would be in real trouble. No kidding!!! The bear or whatever paid no attention as I kicked and hit him and when he started trying to eat my face,I knew I was dead. An oldish lady in flannel jammies trying to fight a wild starving animal barehanded!!!
About the same time I realized that my hand was caught in something in the beast's fur, I realized that it was not in fact trying to eat me, but licking my face and whining, and through my terror recognized my old friend Badger. So, instead of struggling farther, I started to laugh hysterically, and grabbed him around the neck in a hug,whereupon, he immediately lay down across my legs, making it equally impossible for me to get up.
As I regained my composure, and called reassurance to Nell, I looked around for Rennie. Surely he could not be far if Badger was here, and at that moment he came running into the camp after the dog. The disbelief and joy on his face as he saw me was worth every minute of the pain and indecision of the last weeks. He hauled Badger off my legs, and helped me to my feet and as I felt his arms around me for the first time in a real and proper hug I knew I was home at last.
When everyone had calmed down, and been properly greeted......can't help a big grin at THAT thought.......I caught Rennie looking around the camp. He went over to the chickens' cages which I had got into the habit of hanging in a tree after the first night, when a racoon had tried to have a meal.They were a little ruffled after the commotion, but when I took them down and let them go under the netting, they settled into scratching around for food, much to Rennie's amusement. He wanted to see how the umbrella worked, but I made him wait until I packed them back in the cages for the night. I fixed up the fire and put on some water for tea. The hens had obligingly laid eggs, though, even with all four, the omlet was very small; and I added some carrots and chopped ham to the mix. It wasn't bad, but not exactly what I had planned for the first meal I cooked for him. After we had eaten though, he said it wasn't bad at all, and those words were music.
We decided to stay in the camp for the rest of the day, and Rennie went back to where he had left his things when he went chasing after Badger. He called the dog to go with him, but Badger was having none of it and crawled onto my pile of blankets and refused to move. He gave the dog a long look of disgust and left to collect his things. Nell was very uneasy having him so close, but to my amazement, he crept slowly closer to her until she reached down to sniff at him and then everything was fine. He is way too smart to be an ordinary dog.
When Rennie returned, I helped him sort things out, and we spent the rest of the day catching up on what had happened since I watched him ride away that awful morning..... Amongst other things!!!....'Nough said!!!
May 23.......We have set off after the rest of the Roma, and Rennie thinks we are probably about a week behind them. He does not seem in any rush to catch up and that is fine with me. I am not in a hurry to share him with anyone at the moment and would like to take as long as he wants. It gives us a chance to talk and really get to know each other. The amazing thing that I discovered, is that he was actually coming back to find me. He finds it equally amazing that I came to find him.
Rennie has told me about the other people in the band, so at least when we do meet them I will not feel a complete stranger. Rosie, who stopped by the fire that night, is actually his niece. His mother,Josephina, who is at the moment, the leader, is very old and is training Rosie to take her place. Perhaps that explains Rosie's abrupt attitude that night,when she came up to the fire back in town. I asked what the people did in the winter, as I cannot imagine wandering then, and he told me that they do actually have homes in Toronto. The travelling is only in the summer when they go around selling the things they make during the winter, and collecting things for sale in other towns. Most of the people have a skill that they use to bring in money at the markets in the towns they pass through. Rennie is a silversmith and when he shows me a few of the things he has with him I am very impressed. Tiny leaves and flowers in silver that dangle from a fine chain as well a bracelets and pins carved with flowers and designs.
As we travel, I am learning how to live off the land. I brought my "survival" book out to show Rennie and he thought it alright, but had me write in some corrections as well as additions. Useful things to be sure.The hens continue to lay and now that he is used to the way I keep them penned says it is something that the band will find useful. He is impressed with Nell too, and I am glad that I bought her instead of a finer riding horse.
May 25........We have developed a sort of routine to our days. Travel most of the day and then find a good place to camp, preferably near a river or water of some kind. I am sort of familiar with this road, as it is the same direction that I go when I am visiting Jill. Other than there being so much more forest, the travel is easier than I thought it would be. I keep watch for familiar places and do find them. Sometimes almost a hundred years is nothing.We seldom meet any other travellers, but when we do they are friendly and want to know where we are going and where we have come from. Everyone is hungry for news and there is not the terrible rush to get places that I am used to. It's very nice to be able to take time to look around and see new things.
When I woke this morning, Rennie was coming up the hill from the stream with a string of fish. That was a lovely change from the eggs and cured ham for breakfast.The sun was just coming up and the mist rising made everything pastel and peaceful.I watch him walk toward me and wonder what he would look like in an outfit from the Gap like in all those commercials with music from West Side Story. hhhhhhmmmmmm....very interesting thought!
Later.....I get the fish and filet them for the fry pan. I'm pleased that he notices that there are NO bones.....one of the things that I can do well!!!
May 27.......Rennie thinks we will catch up to the rest tomorrow. I am not sure how I feel about that really. A little nervous I guess. I wonder if they will ask where I have come from and if they do what I will say. Don't think about it.
Rennie loves music. I can't carry a tune in a bucket unless I am humming or whistling. Singing is definitely out....the times I have let go with a song, Badger very rudely let go with a howl!!!In deference to his tender ears, I will be content with humming. Rennie always asks what the song is and most of the time I am not sure. He plays the harmonica,and I notice that it is one of the kind that has a button on the side that allows for half notes. I have heard that this kind is fiendishly hard to play, though he seems to have no trouble. I whistle a few bars of Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue". I have(had) a tape of Larry Adler playing this on the same sort of harmonica,and wondered what Rennie could do with it. I am not disappointed.....move over Larry!!! It is odd hearing him play the tunes I know, as most of them have not been written yet. Gershwin won't write his "Rhapsody" for almost twenty years.
Tonight Rennie was carving something across the fire. I love watching his hands as he works. They are artist's hands.....long fingers and nicely shaped. He usually spends time in the evening carving or working at something. When he finally finished, he held up a wooden flute like a recorder, and gave it a try. A few minor adjustments and he handed it to me. Well if he wants to teach me to play it's fine....and it doesn't take me too long to figure out the fingering for the flute. He was surprised that I caught on so fast,and I didn't bother to tell him I had left a clarinet behind. A lady has to have a few secrets. For awhile we play the songs we both know and it sounds just fine to me. I want to think about the music we are making and not about joining the Roma tomorrow.
