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309 West 92 Street
New York, NY 10025-7213
Marlene Barron, Head of School
Dear Mr. Crichton,
It is with deepest regret that I inform you that your daughter Xhalax, is to be expelled from the Montessori School for exceptional children as of this day, May 22, 2012. It is the unanimous decision of the faculty, administration, custodial staff, and other ancillary staff, not to mention various school supply vendors, shop owners, residents, and three of the local homeless who courageously stepped forward, that your daughter is, to put it delicately, perhaps a little too exceptional for our staff to handle. Keep in mind Mr. Crichton, that we at the Montessori school pride ourselves on having the most qualified and gifted staff of any private school in the country. While we are aware that all children who attend our school are precocious, it certainly does not inspire teachers to impart knowledge when told by a child, and I quote, "No offense human, but what could I possibly learn from you?" Perhaps you might wish to curtail her television viewing. Cartoons do not substitute for education, nor will they sustain her in a life-threatening situation. This, however, is insignificant compared to other more alarming events, and the disheartening lack of cooperation we've received from Mrs.Crichton.
For example, Xhalax came to school in a uniform that is most certainly not school issue, carrying what looked to be a large water-rifle. When an attempt was made to confiscate it from her, the "water gun" discharged, leaving a rather massive hole in the wall of our teacher's lounge. We called Mrs. Crichton immediately, who upon hearing of the incident replied rather curtly, "I am not sending my daughter to school unarmed. It's as simple as that." Really, Mr. Crichton, we are all aware of the over-dramatization of violence in our schools by the press, and perhaps this is acceptable behavior in France, however, it is not acceptable here. (As an aside, our teacher of the romance languages, Mme. Bouchard assures us that the name 'Xhalax,' is not of French derivation, but I'm not here to quibble.) Another incident involves one of our male students, David Kemper jr., whose family is highly distraught by the interaction between his son and your daughter. Being from France, we assumed your wife would understand that when a boy teases a girl, it is not, as she says, being "ambushed," but rather a show of affection. Obviously, young Xhalax misunderstood the boy's intentions, and I will have him apologize to her once he regains consciousness. However, I do feel that the Kemper’s are deserving of an apology as well. Perhaps you will explain to me one day why she kept shouting "rank and regiment, now!" while she sat on the poor boy's chest pummeling him unmercifully. I don't have to tell you Mr. Crichton, that such an experience can be very confidence shattering for a boy, and certainly will not lead to any romantic life on your daughter's behalf if this behavior is allowed to continue.
Xhalax is not without gifts, her knack for understanding languages is nothing short of amazing, and her ability to speak backwards, while being quite challenging, has become disruptive as other children are now following her lead. She also has a talent for euphemism, and some of her phrases are quite inventive, such as, "frell me dead," "pile of dren," and my personal favorite, "kick you up the mivonks." We do appreciate the fact that you encourage her not to use foul language, however, we are not fools Mr. Crichton, we know what she means. Speaking as an educator, I am not comfortable with simply washing my hands of the problem, even though I was advised to do so, ".while I still had a working pair." The only suggestion that makes sense is that perhaps Xhalax's temperament might be more suited to a military academy. If nothing else, they may posses the requisite firepower necessary to contain her. The only other option available would be to hire a private tutor. (Perhaps Arnold Schwarzenegger is available.)
In closing, I sympathize with your problems, and I would be happy to discuss alternatives with you personally, in an open, public place, (Mrs. Crichton and Xhalax need not attend.) and perhaps you might answer a question I've had since Xhalax first graced our hallowed halls: What's a drannit?
Regretfully Yours,
Marlene Barron, Head of School
West Side Montessori School.
