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Reference: The Mikado Web page - (complete lyrics, dialogue, and music available here).
Notation: songs marked with an * contain only minor changes from the original.
Time Frame: Unohoo’s vision of Season 3 final four episodes.
Spoilers: Only if you believe this.
Location: Planet Titipu, Gammak Base Titipu
Dramatis Personae:
Scorpius [Mikado] – Lord High Commander (Command includes Titipu)
Crichton [Nanki-Poo] (Scorpius’ elusive prize, and in love with Aeryn Sun)
Crais [Ko-Ko] (Aurora Chair Captain)
Braca [Pooh-Bah] (Captain of everything else)
D’Argo [Pish-Tush] (High ranking PK)
Aeryn Sun [Yum-Yum] (Bound to Crais)
Chiana [Pitti-Sing] (friend of Aeryn)
Jool [Peep-Bo] (friend of Aeryn)
Furlow [Katisha} (Chief technician, in love with Crichton)
Chorus of PKs, Officers, Guards, and lackies
Courtyard of Crais’ Official Residence
Summary of Act I: John Crichton wanders onto the Gammak Base, Titipu disguised as a roving scientist, one that you can find in any bar in the universe. He is seeking Aeryn Sun who he loves. He asks after her and is told that she is to be wed to Crais this very day. Crais is the lord high aurora chair operator and while he is preparing for his wedding to Aeryn Sun, they learn that Scorpius, the High Commander is on his way. Crais was put in charge of the Chair as he was to be the next victim, and it was reasoned that he couldn’t both operate the chair and be in it too. Fearful that Scorpius wants to find out how many victims Crais has placed in the chair, Crais makes a deal with Crichton that he can wed Aeryn and be with her for a month if he submits to the chair after. Crichton agrees. Meanwhile, Furlow shows up and claims Crichton as her lover and fellow scientist. She is told to go away, as Crichton is about to marry Aeryn Sun. Fulow tries to reveal Crichton’s true nature and that he is the coveted scientist Scorpius is after, and that she and Crichton together are to produce the wormhole. She is frustrated and John Crichton and Aeryn Sun slip away.
-------------------------------------------------------
If you want to know who we are
If you want to know who we are,
We are Peacekeepers of the Universe
On many a moon and star
On many an aimed prowler,
Our uniforms black leather;
Our attitude harsh and cruel –
Oh only if you knew – oh!
If you think we blindly obey
And are unthinkingly mean
You don’t know that we may
Find comfort in routine.
If you think that this throng
Can’t keep it up cycles long
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong, oh,oh!
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong.
If you want to know who we are,
We are Peacekeepers of the Universe
On moon and star
In prowler and black leather
On many, many, many, many, many
Many, many, many, a star,
oh! oh! oh! oh!
On moon and star,
In Prowler and Black Leather.
John Crichton
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a radiant Peacekeeper Dwelleth,
Named Aeryn Sun, in Crais’s command
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A PK of Rank
Why, who are you who ask this question?
John Crichton
Come gather round me, and I’ll tell you.
A Wandering Human
A wandering human I –
A thing of science and technology
Of wormholes and mythology
And frelling neural clones
My wormhole knowledge is unique
And prized like no other
Which makes me run for cover
And Scorpius is in a pique!
And Scorpius is in a pique!
Are you in need of cover?
I’ll stand by you,
Oh, frell and dren!
On assignments do you seek?
I’ll seek them too –
Oh, frell and dren, oh frell!
I’ll charm your willing ears
With tales of PK fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew!
Oh, frell and dren, oh frell!
But if military tactics are wanted,
I’ve complicated plans for you entail
For where’er you may be sent and counted
All the other plans lack my detail!
Peacekeeper warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail – or they conceal it if they do –
And I shouldn’t be surprised if planets trembled
Before the mighty troops, the troops of Titipu!
And if you long for a song of space,
We’ll heave the hetch drive round,
With a yeo-heave ho, for the space is steady,
Her position’s geo-synchronous and ready,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
To float adrift in a gravity well
May tickle a planetman’s taste,
But the happiest arn a PK sees
Is when he’s not far
From a space port bar,
With his Gilena on his knees, yeo ho!
And his arm around her waist!
A wandering human I –
A thing of science and technology
Of wormholes and mythology
And frelling neural, neural clones
Our Great Commander, Virtuous Man
D’Argo
Our great Commander, virtuous man,
When he to rule our base began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young PK’s might best be steadied,
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless ordered so by linked),
Should be in the Aurora Chair be headed, headed, headed
Should be in the Aurora Chair be headed.
And I expect you’ll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!
Chorus
And you are right.
And we are right,
And all is right, is right as right can be!
And all is right as right can be!
Right as right can be!
D’Argo
This stern decree, you will learn,
Caused great dismay throughout the Base!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected,
The youth who then caressed the hair
Or sang a ballad, a loving air
Found himself condemned to the chair
He usually objected, objected, objected,
He usually objected.
And you’ll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
Chorus
And you are right,
And we are right,
And everything is quite, is quite correct,
And everything is quite correct,
All is quite correct!
D’Argo
And so we found a renegade
Who on orders disobeyed,
Who was for the Aurora chair
And kept in Scorpius’ care
Condemned to be mind probed
And we made him chair operator
Once in that role, could not control
The chair, and be in it or
Be used on any other soul.
And we are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right--too-looral-lay!
Chorus
And I am right,
And you are right,
And you are right, -- too-looral-lay!
D’Argo and Chorus
And we are right,
And all is right,
And all is right!
Young Man, Despair *
Braca
Young man, Despair,
Likewise go to,
Aeryn Sun the fair
You must not woo,
It will not do:
I’m sorry for you,
Your very imperfect sub-executor!
This very day
From battle Aeryn sun
Will wend her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Chair Operator!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
John Crichton and Braca,
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
Braca
It’s a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I’d flee;
But don’t blame me—
I’m sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner,
They’ll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact,
This afternoon,
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven commences, so you shun her!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
All
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
And I have journeyed for a Monen
John Crichton:
And have I journeyed for a monen, or nearly,
To learn that Aeryn sun, whom I love so dearly,
This day to Crais is to be united!
Braca:
The fact appears to be as you’ve recited
But here he comes, equipped as suites his station,
He’ll give you any further information.
Behold the Lord High Chair Operator
Men:
Behold the Lord High Chair Operator!
A personage of noble rank and title—
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer,
To the noble Lord, to the noble Lord,
The Lord High Chair Operator!
Crais:
Taken from a waiting cell
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then, ah well,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favoring gale
As one sometimes is in dreams,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary schemes;
Surely, never had a male
Under such unlikely means
So adventurous a tale,
Which may scale heights unseen.
They’ll None of Them Be Missed
D’Argo
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of Society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
There’s the arrogant inferior who press for new assignments—
All techies who forever make refinements –
To systems that are working well and do not need alignments
All junior fliers moving up and dazzle you with skill
And all procurement officers who on tête-à-têtes insist –
They’d none of ‘em be missed – They’d none of ‘em be miss’d!
Chorus
He’s got ‘em on the list – he’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of ‘em be miss’d!
Comes a Squad of PK ladies *
Chorus of Girls
Comes a squad of PK ladies
From battles trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the Hezmana can be!
Is it but a universe of trouble –
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?
Are its carriers and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Shadow of a shade?
PK’s we, command and under,
From battles trammels free,
And we wonder—how we wonder!—
What in Hezmana the universe can be!
What in Hezmana the universe can be!
Three Tough Chicks from Battle Are We
The Three
Three tough chicks from battle are we,
Hardened as well as PK’s can be
Filled up to here with Raslac and we
Are three tough chicks from battle.
Aeryn Sun
Everything is for duty done *snort*
Chiana
Nobody’s safe, for we care for none! *snerk*
Jool
Command is a joke that’s just begun! *snerk*
The Three
Three tough chicks who, all quite weary,
Come from the battle tired and bleary
Freed from the combat which is scary
Three tough chicks from battle!
Three tough chicks from battle!
Aeryn Sun
One tough chick is the bride, Aeryn Sun—
Chiana
Two tough chicks in attendance come—
Jool
Three tough chicks is the total sum.
The Three
Three tough chicks from battle!
Three tough chicks from battle!
So Please You Sir, We Much Regret
Aeryn Sun, Chiana, and Jool:
So please you, Sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high--
We shall know better by and by.
Aeryn:
But battle weary chicks must have their fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
Jool:
And don’t because we are on leave we sing,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we’re inclined to drink and sing.
Tra la la la la, (Drinking.)
Aeryn Sun, Chiana, Chorous of Women
Tra la la
But chicks la la la,
of course, Tra la la la la la,
must have Tra la la la la la,
their fling, So par- Tra la la la la la,
don us, and don't Tra la la la la la,
because we Tra la la la la la,
are on Tra la la la la la,
leave, be hard Tra la la la la la!
on us.
But chicks, of course,
must have their fling,
So pardon us,
Were you not to Crais Plighted *
John:
Were you not to Crais plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
"Loved one, let us be united--
Let us be each other's own!"
I would merge all rank and station,
Worldly sneers are naught to us,
And, to mark my admiration,
I would kiss you fondly thus-- (Kisses her.)
And easily reveal the plain
Memory will not suffer pain
Oh please don’t sue
We think it’s true
Don’t you? Don’t You?
Crais:
And so,
Although I’m Ready to go,
Into the chair
I’m not aware
Of anyone
Who can direct
And be subject
So I object.
Braca:
And so,
Although I wish to go,
And greatly pine,
To brightly shine,
And take the line
Of a hero fine,
With grief condign
I must decline
D’Argo:
And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare.
To sit in the chair
It's your affair,
Yet I declare
I'd take your share,
But I don't much care.
Crais: Braca: D’Argo:
And so, And so, And go
Although I’m Ready to go, Although I wish to go, And show
Into the chair And greatly pine, Both friend and foe
I’m not aware To brightly shine, How much you dare.
Of anyone And take the line To sit in the chair
Who can direct Of a hero fine, It's your affair,
And be subject With grief condign Yet I declare
So I object. I must decline. But I don't much care.
With Aspect Stern and Gloomy Stride *
Chorus
With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don’t hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same.
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same.
Braca:
To ask you what you mean to do, we punctually appear.
Crais:
Congratulate me, officers, I’ve found a volunteer!
All:
The PK equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!
Crais (presenting him):
‘Tis John Crichton!
All:
Hail, John Crichton!
Crais:
I think he’ll do?
All:
Yes, yes, he’ll do!
Crais:
He yields to the chair if I’ll Aeryn Sun Surrender,
Now I adore that chick with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
(enter Aeryn Sun, Chiana, and Jool)
All:
Ah, yes!
He loves himself with passion tenderer still!
Crais:
Take her – she’s yours!
(exit Crais)
Chiana:
A day, a weeken, a monen, a cycle
Aeryn:
Or cycle or monen, or cycle or monen
Braca:
Life’s eventime comes much too soon,
Chiana:
You’ll live at least a honeymoon!
All:
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With laughing song
Solo – Braca:
So in a monen you’ve got until,
Into the chair, give up your will
This will be the end of you
The normal toast just will not do!
But as one monen you have be sane
As fellow PK, human,
This toast with three times three we’ll give –
“Good health, good health to you, good health to you,
good health to you – ‘til then!”
[exit Braca]
CHORUS:
May all good fortune, all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health, may you have health and riches, too,
Enter Furlow melodramatically
Furlow:
Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!
Chorus:
Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities?
Furlow:
I claim my perjured lover, John Crichton!
Oh, fool! To shun delights that never cloy!
Chorus:
Go leave thy deadly work undone!
Furlow:
Come back, oh, shallow fool, come back to joy!
Chorus:
Away, away! Ill-favored one!
John: (aside to Aeryn Sun):
Ah!
‘Tis Furlow
The maid of whom I told you (About to go.)
Furlow: (detaining him):
No!
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you!
Song - Furlow*
Furlow: (addressing John Crichton):
Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!
Thy heart unbind,
Give me my place,
Oh fool, oh blind,
Oh rash, oh base!
Thy heart unbind,
Give me, give me my place.
Chorus:
If she's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
Furlow: (addressing Aeryn Sun):
Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Rose lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Smooth tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh.
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose lip, smooth tongue!
Thy doom is nigh,
Thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye,
Rose lip, smooth tongue!
Thy doom is night,
Thy knell, thy knell is rung.
Chorus:
If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!
Furlow: Chorus:
Thy doom If true her tale, thy
is nigh, knell is rung
Thy knell If true her tale,
is rung, Thy knell, thy knell is rung,
Thy knell is rung! Thy knell is rung!
Chiana:
Away, nor prosecute your quest--
From our intention, well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us!
For he's going to marry Aeryn Sun—
All:
Aeryn Sun!
Chiana:
Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb—
All:
Cumb – cumb!
Chiana:
And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb –
All:
Dumb – dumb.
Chiana:
You’ll find many in the sector
Who’ll wed for Fellip Nectar –
The word for your guidance is “Mum” –
All:
Mum – mum!
Chiana:
There’s lots of good fish in the sea!
All:
On this subject we pray you be dumb--dumb--dumb,
We think you had better succumb--cumb--cumb!
You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny,
Who'll wed for a penny
There are lots of good fish in the sea!
There are lots of good fish in the sea!
There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea!
There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea,
in the sea, in the sea, in the sea!
Solo – Furlow:
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone;
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished, all has perished
Save love, which never dies!
Which never, never dies!
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from your disguising!
John: (aside):
Now comes the blow!
Fulow:
Prepare yourselves for news suprising!
John: (aside):
How foil my foe?
Furlow:
Now wanderer he, despite the candor
Aeryn (aside, struck by an idea):
Ha! Ha! I know
Furlow:
He is the scientist of your ---
(John, Aeryn, and Chorus, interrupting shout PK words to drown her voice.)
Raslak! Froomium! Ichtao konander
Furlow:
In vain you interrupt with this shout konander
He is the prime scientist of your –
All:
Raslak! Froomium! Ichtao konander
Furlow:
I’ll spoil –
All:
Raslak! Froomium! Ichtao konander!
General Dancing and Singing, ignoring Furlows protestations. She is never able to reveal that Crichton is The Scientist that has the elusive wormhole technology that Scorpy covets. Furlow rushes off, frustrated.
