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Reference: The Mikado Web page - (complete lyrics, dialogue, and music available here).
Notation: songs marked with an * contain only minor changes from the original.
Time Frame: Unohoo’s vision of Season 3 final four episodes.
Spoilers: Only if you believe this.
Location: Planet Titipu, Gammak Base Titipu
Dramatis Personae:
Scorpius [Mikado] – Lord High Commander (Command includes Titipu)
Crichton [Nanki-Poo] (Scorpius’ elusive prize, and in love with Aeryn Sun)
Crais [Ko-Ko] (Aurora Chair Captain)
Braca [Pooh-Bah] (Captain of everything else)
D’Argo [Pish-Tush] (High ranking PK)
Aeryn Sun [Yum-Yum] (Bound to Crais)
Chiana [Pitti-Sing] (friend of Aeryn)
Jool [Peep-Bo] (friend of Aeryn)
Furlow [Katisha} (Chief technician, in love with Crichton)
Chorus of PKs, Officers, Guards, and lackies
Crais's Garden
Trapped in his lie, Crais goes to John for help. John sees the answer to his own dilemma and will only help save Crais if Crais will agree to marry Furlow, thus allowing John and Aeryn to get married. Then and only then will John reveal himself to Scorpius. Crais agrees and all ends happily for our heroes (well, nearly if you don’t count that Crais has to marry Furlow).
-------------------------------------
Braid the Raven Hair
Chorus:
Braid the raven hair –
Weave the supple tress –
Arm the PK fair
In her fight readiness –
See the radiant health –
With weapon on hip –
Emphasize the stealth
Of her PK-ship!
Art and training, thus allied,
Go to make a lethal bride.
Art and training, thus allied,
Go to make a lethal bride.
Solo – Chiana:
Sit with weapon at hand
Be ready for the fray--
Here you’ll take your stand--
We will not go away.
When you're summoned, start
Like a PK soldier--
Beat strong your brave heart,
Let it give you color!
Bravery at marriage-tide
Well becomes a lethal bride!
Bravery at marriage-tide
Well becomes a lethal bride!
Chorus: refrain
The Wormhole whose field
Aeryn Sun
The wormhole whose field
Does not yield
Light or living matter
Does not deny
The scientist –
He must pursue the latter!
He won’t explain,
“Do not remain,
For forces which are relentless.”
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
His glories are but endless.
I mean to rule the world,
As he the sky –
We will not be unfurled,
My love and I!
I mean to rule the world,
As he the sky –
We will not be unfurled,
My love and I!
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The field’s Celestial Highness:
There’s not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
To keep in sight
That all may acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don’t blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We’re very wide-awake,
This field and I!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We’re very wide-awake,
This field and I!
Brightly Dawns Our Wedding Day *
Aeryn Sun:
Brightly dawns our wedding day;
All:
Joyous arn, we give thee greeting!
Wither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
D’Argo:
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Chiana:
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow.
Here’s a Howdy Do *
Aeryn Sun
Here’s a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When it’s time for your turn in chair,
Then the soldier for whom you care
Must be interrogated too!
Here’s a how-de-do!
Here’s a how-de-do!
John Crichton:
Here’s a pretty mess!
In a monen or less,
To the chair without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I’m shedding
Witness my distress,
Here’s a pretty mess!
Here’s a pretty mess!
Crais:
Here’s a state of things
To her mind she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn’t seem to suit her notion –
Mind probe it brings!
Here’s a state of things!
Here’s a state of things!
ALL.
With a passion that's intense
I worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense
We oughtn't to ignore.
If what he says is true,
It’s living death to marry you!
Here's a pretty state of things!
Here's a pretty how-de-do!
Here's a pretty state of things!
A pretty state of things!
Aeryn Sun.
Here's a how-de-do!
John Crichton.
Here's a how-de-do!
Crais.
Here's a how-de-do!
AL:
For if what he says is true,
I cannot, cannot marry you!
Here's a pretty, pretty state of things!
ALL (spoken)
Here's a pretty how-do-do!
Crais, Aeryn Sun, Chiana, Jool, D’Argo, and John Crichton leave before the Lord High Commander enters.
Scorpius, The Lord High Commander and Furlow enter and present their case to the rest of PK’s.
Scorpius:
From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the leader of space and land--
Furlow:
And I'm his science partner!
He'll marry his prime scientist
(He's only got one)
To his science!
Scorpius:
My morals have been declared
Particularly correct;
Furlow:
But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his science partner!
Bow--Bow--
To his science partner!
ALL:
Bow--Bow--
To his science partner!
High Commander:
In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway--
Furlow:
Except his science partner!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his science partner!
Scorpius:
My nature is love and light--
My freedom from all defect--
Furlow:
Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his science partner!
Bow--Bow--
To his science partner!
ALL:
Bow--Bow--
To his science partner!
A more reasonable Commander
Scorpius:
A more reasonable Commander never
Did in PK history reside,
To nobody Second,
I’m certainly reckoned
The best officer, their pride.
It is my most reasoned endeavor
To exact intelligence
And let my aurora chair
Which is impartial and fair
To collect all wormhole sense.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time-
To make the wormhole knowledge mine
The wormhole knowledge mine.
And from John Crichton’s skull,
I successfully have culled
A myriad of formulae
A variety of formulae!
And if you think my face
Belongs to the Scarran race
You are only partially right
Are only partially right.
For I have sworn allegiance to,
The Peacekeepers, I give them my due,
Don’t let my appearance fool you
My appearance fool you.
And if to get that knowledge
I must in the chair encourage
A litany of small offences
To delve the truth in all senses
Then the aurora chair it will be
Oh, the chair it will be.
Chorus:
His object and intent
To wrest from this innocent
The secrets of the ancients
The secrets of the ancients
And if in doing so
He takes from our hero
A way to defeat the foe
Then he happily makes his goal.
Crais is summoned and assumes he needs to explain what he has done with the Aurora Chair to date. He brings Chiana, Jool, and D’Argo with him to corroborate his story.
The criminal cried
Crais:
The criminal cried, as we put him in, in a benumbed state,
He braced himself for the Aurora Chair, I fear it was too late,
For all he did was drool while I seized him by his pate,
And fell on his knees to avoid the chair,
And gasped into the empty air
To proclaim his innocence
Surprised at his struggle
He did gurgle and guggle
When to the chair I strapped him
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that pierced the air,
Oh so I swear
When I activated the chair.
Chorus:
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales –
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he failes.
Chiana:
He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the probe he didn’t deserve:
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve:
For he nodded his head and winked his eye,
And he whistled an air, did her,
As the probe it was true
Pierced his mind cleanly through
His lifelong memories!
When a man’s afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see:
And it’s oh, I glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by the sight of me!
Chorus:
Her terrible tale
You can’t assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
D’Argo:
Now though you’d have said this man is gone
For his memories were ripped
A soft smile he displayed
When his body was laid
Prostrate in front of me
And as well as it could be said
That he knew not where he be
He clearly showed to all instead
The deference due to me
And it’s oh, I know
Through mind-ripping blow
Was a touching sight to see
He couldn’t forget
The deference due to me.
Chorus:
This haughty youth
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
All:
Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly as he says!
See how the Fates their gifts allot *
Scorpius:
See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy--B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
Crais, Braca, and Chiana:
Is B more worthy?
Furlow:
I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
Chorus & Lackies:
Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
Crais, Braca, and Chiana:
If I were
Fortune--which I'm not--
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in misery--
That is, assuming I am B.
Scorpius and Furlow:
But should A perish?
Crais, Braca, and Chiana:.
That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).
Chorus and Lackys:
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
The Flowers That Bloom in the Spring *
John Crichton.
The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine.
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that's what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la,
Tra la la la la,
The flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la,
Tra la la la la,
Tra la la la la la!
Crais.
The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I’ve got to take under my wing,
Tra-la
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra-la,
With a caricature of a face,
With a caricature of a face;
And that’s what I mean when I say or I sing,
“Oh bother the flowers that bloom in the spring.”
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la
Oh bother the flowers of spring.
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la la”
There is Beauty in the Wormhole ere it does wane
Furlow.
There is beauty in the wormhole ere it does wane
There is grandeur when fighting to maintain,
Time distortion may be eloquent
When everything that is subsequent
Gives you déjà vu again and again
Crais.
Yes, I like to see a wormhole
Form around me, sears my soul,
And especially when time distortion does reign!
Furlow.
Black holes have a splendor that is grim,
And super novas only terrify the dolts,
But to him who's scientific
There's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of pulsar bolts!
Crais.
Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of pulsar bolts!
BOTH.
If that is so,
Sing and be merry!
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry,
Till day is done!
For He’s Gone and Married Aeryn Sun *
Chiana
For he's gone and married Aeryn Sun--
CHORUS.
Aeryn Sun!
Chiana:
Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb—
CHORUS.
Cumb--cumb!
Chiana.
And join our expressions of glee!
Crais.
On this subject I pray you be dumb—
CHORUS.
Dumb--dumb.
Crais.
Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is "Mum"—
CHORUS.
Mum--mum!
Crais.
You've a very good bargain in me.
Crais and CHORUS.
On this subject we pray you be dumb--
Dumb--dumb.
We think you had better succumb--
Cumb--cumb!
You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny--
Who'll wed for a penny!
There are lots of good fish in the sea!
There are lots of good fish in the sea!
There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea!
There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea, in the sea, in the sea, in the sea, in the sea!
John Crichton
The threatened cloud has passed away,
Aeryn Sun
And fairly shines the dawning day,
John Crichton
What tho’ the night may come too soon,
Aeryn Sun:
We’ve cycles and cycles of afternoon!