| August 21, 2001 I just got back from a much-needed outing. I spent six days in Toronto (which I must say is a beautiful city) with a bunch of students from my Church. It was an amazing conference, but (there's always a "but") I cried a couple of times. This is actually good, since I'm now officially unmediated. It's good 'cause I didn't breakdown or have a panic attack or anything. The tears may not have been warranted, but it could have been a lot worse. What happened was this.........a couple of days into the conference, I went into a bookstore and was flipping through an interesting book about Chistian counseling. There was a section of depression, which I thought was exiting. I started to read and was more and more angry with every word I read. The author.........let's call him Dr. A. was basically saying that depression is the sufferers own fault! He clearly stated that depression (and manic depression, which he thought was also self induced) was the result of guilt and that it could be permanently eradicated with behavior modification. I was so angry, I almost cried in the middle of the bookstore! How could someone say this, and furthermore, how could someone write a book with these lies! I know that he's entitled to his own opinion and all that, but he was writing as a medical professional giving advice to people suffering and friends of theirs that was so wrong that it had potentially harmful ramifications. So then I found a shoulder to cry on and it took a while for her to calm me down and all the time I was like, "I am calm!" I am working on a letter that I'm writing to the book sellers. After that I got separated from my group and was scared and alone in another country. I cried a couple of times that night. I hitched a ride with three men who said they lived in the city. One of them asked me out, but thankfully I was leaving Toronto very soon. When I got back to my hotel, I let everyone know what had happened, I was only a little bitter. One of the girls was trying to calm talk me down from my angry ivory tower. I told her I wanted to sleep and since I couldn't walk through her, I'd appreciate it if she moved. She did. Sleep. Now for something I'd like to think is completely unrelated, I got my lip pierced the next day. I really like it, though I think it's about two millimeters off-center. September 9, 2001 My new roommate and I had our first fight, and secretly, I enjoyed it. I even laughed at one point. It kinda went like this: She "can't sleep with the light on" and I not only think that's childish and silly, but I have things to do at night and I can't walk around in the darkness. The part that makes me a bit upset is that these are her solutions to the problem: Either I leave the room and live elsewhere when she wants to go to sleep or I go to sleep when she does. For some reason, she swears that this is a compromise. Being the wonderful roommate I am, after much arguing and complaining, I relent. She can have the room and I'll study or do whatever outside these four walls to make her happy. I was obviously unhappy with the decision, so because I'm not happy with it she says she feels like "the bad guy" and she should. So I got so frustrated and I'm like, "You got what you wanted, you should be happy"; she's not. I gave up because it was starting to be a silly argument, but it looks like this will be an ongoing drama. October 15, 2001 A friend is one who sticks closer than a brother You were not this thing but something other You know the thing she fears and you manifest it You volunteered to be your brother's keeper; you were inadequate. October 17, 2001 I have no idea what just happened. Why do people have to be so difficult? So my roommate and I are having a difference of opinion, but ironically, she's the one who's mad at me! Basically, I was talking to her on Sunday and I became angry. She didn't think my response was appropriate...OK, did we forget that I have a few *emotional difficulties*? My reactions, especially emotionally, are not always going to be appropriate. I thought we got that straight when we decided to move in together. She's asked me over and over why I was so angry, and even though I've explained it, she doesn't understand. OK, here we go again: I was angry because she wouldn't help me when I needed her and there was (I thought) no good reason for it. That's it. And I'm not even angry anymore. This is sooooo aggravating. What the heck is her problem. there must be something else going on.... Oh, yeah, she thinks I treat her unfairly. According to her, I get angry at her more than anyone else. Which is true, and that's simply because she's the only one I live with. The spouses of people with Borderline Personality Disorder always get the worst of it. And I know that's it's not easy for her. I think that when we argue, she doesn't keep in mind that there is something wrong with me, that I am not normal, no matter how high functioning I am. Now the question is, how do I remind her of my illness without using it as an excuse? October 25, 2001 Yvette is wonderful and all's right with the world, well in my room at least...Across the hall however, is another story. It seems I just go from one bad situation to the next. I hardly get to enjoy the good times in between. Across the hall, my good friend was being just rude and I know that my anger is warranted in this situation. I was literally standing in front of her for ten minutes, periodically trying to ask her a question. I did note that she was on the phone and didn't want to interrupt her, but it was necessary, really. "Egondu, I know you're on the phone, but can I talk to you for a second?" She motions for me to wait a second. OK, this is fair; I can't expect her to stop mid-sentence. After five minutes... "Egondu..." She motions for me to wait a second. Five minutes later...I'm really upset. "Really, I just need to ask one question!" |