Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

"If I ever start to tell the story of my life, it will interrupted by the blowing of a million police whistles."

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Life

• Born May 19, 1876 ito a wealthy family in Benicia, California.
• Friend to Wyatt Earp, whom he met during the Alaskan Gold Rush (ca. 1897).
• Manager of Rand Hotel in New Yorkin 1907, where he felt the need to post the following signs:
• NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS and
• PLEASE CARRY OUT YOUR OWN DEAD
• Made and lost a fortune speculating in the Florida Land Boom (ca. 1925).
• Co-owner of Brown Derby Restaurant in Hollywood.

Family

• Son to Lansing Bond Mizner,— lawyer, land speculator, “permanent” state senator, close friend of President Benjamin Harrison. and later Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to Central America in 1889.
• Brother to Addison Mizner, the flamboyant society architect and promoter of the South Florida Land Boom in the 20's.
• Great-great nephew of Sir Joshua Reynolds.
• On receiving one too many telegraphic requests for money, Wilson's mother wired back "I did not receive you telegram."

Aphorisms

• I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
• I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.
• I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.
• If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; If you steal from many, it's research. [1]
• The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
• I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
• A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while knows something.
• God help those who do not help themselves.
• Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.
• Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
• The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
• A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
• The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
• The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
• The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
• Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
• When a woman tells you her age, it's all right to look surprised, but don't scowl.
• Most open minds should be closed for repair.
• The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat thrown over him.

Quips

• I hate careless flattery- the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it.
• To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Insults

• You sparkle with larceny.
• He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.
• You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
• [Hollywood is] a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.
• Working for Warner Brothers is like f---ing a porcupine: it's a hundred pricks against one.
• Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.
• [On his deathbed, to a priest:] Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

Plays by Wilson Mizner

• The Only Law, 1909
• The Deep Purple, 1910
• The Greyhound, 1912

Books about Wilson Mizner

• Rogue's Progress, John Burke, New York, 1975
• The Legendary Mizners, Alva Johnston, New York, 1953

Footnotes

1. This is often recorded as "When you take stuff from one author, it's plagiarism; if you take it from many writers, it's research." and sometimes as "Steal from one person and it's plagiarism; steal from four people and it's scholarship." The form I quote above is the one that seems to be correct. In any case, it's an awfully appropriate remark for this page...